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It's over and I am hurting. Spent the night at my friends house... Feelinglost
April 9, 2007
8:17 am
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Anonymous
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Well I think its finally over.I just can't take any more. This week has been horrible, my bf tells me he doesn't love me, my dad almost died, and my back is completely out. Well Easter morning I woke up and my bf had hid Easter eggs all over the yard. I was feeling hopeful. As the day progressed we had a few drinks and were having a great time with his family. By the time we got home he told me I embarrass him and my behavior is the reason he doesn't want to be with me. I don't think I did anything wrong. We got in to a huge fight last night and I told him he has managed to destroy all of my self confidence. We kept fighting and he said he would sleep on the couch. I told him not to bother I was going to stay at my girlfriends for the night. I haven't talked to him at all today. I honestly don't have any fight left.

April 9, 2007
9:50 am
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readyforachange
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((((feelinglost)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes, it seems like there is just so much to handle at once, and our emotions are out of control. I know I'm going through that right now, and it's hard to make decisions when so much is going on. Give yourself some time and space, and think carefully before you react. Maybe talk with your friend about how you feel, and get some of it out in the open. If you are feeling hurt, wait for him to contact you. Let time heal some things first. Take care of yourself right now, that's the most important thing.

April 9, 2007
10:33 am
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taj64
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I would like to know why you still feel hopeful over this? He planted easter eggs in the yard and that mean he loves you or what? I don't see this as a sign of love or proof he wants to continue. What other sign do you need that he wants to continue this relationship? Im sorry you go through this but ultimately it is you that puts you through this horrible ordeal as you deny yourself of moving forward. He has told you repeatedly through the past few years that he cannot commit. Somewhere along the lines you have to give up because you will spend the rest of your life hurting. Let it heal and time away from this. I think you keep finding ways to be hopeful about this relationship, reading into any signs that is readily available. How much more hurt can you bring onto yourself? How much can you really take? Only you know the answer. I seriously think you need extreme counseling. Have you been going to Jessica's? I think you need to go more than every few weeks and go daily as it is needed. This is emotional abuse on yourself; you will end up completely destroyed as a person. Easter egg hunting is not a sign of love or hope. It is activity that everyone does that celebrates easter. Also I noticed that drinking was involved at his family. Drinking is not good for you or to be around it. And you know this too. Nothing you ever do is ever going to be right with this man, nothing, because he doesn't want to be with you and time to face this cruel hard fact. To try to squeeze out any leftover drop from this man is only hurting you, there is nothing left. By staying in this, you are hurting yourself, nobody else.

April 9, 2007
10:44 am
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lettingo
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I totally agree with taj64! You are not a victim in this. You chose to continue to put yourself in a situation with someone who isn't good for you. Read some of your old posts. This guys is making you miserable but you keep looking for some shred of hope. Why? Have you tried counseling. It might help to find out why you hand onto someone who can't give you what you deserve and need. I know it is hard to let go off someone or something comfortable but only you can decide when enough is enough. Only you will know when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You need to make a decision if you want to keep putting yourself through this or you can go through temporary pain and get out.

April 9, 2007
10:53 am
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sad sack
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Just a very simple question.

Why would you want to be with someone who does not like the way that you behave?

Sad Sack

April 10, 2007
10:46 am
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Anonymous
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its over and i am upset. But I did spend the night at my girlfriends again and tried not to talk to him much. He doesn't love me and he can't make a commitment and the sooner i realize that the better I will be, Thank you so much for being here for me. It means the world to me.

April 10, 2007
10:47 am
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Taj I guess i am at the point where I take any scrap of love and that is not right! I am angry, I am sad, and I am so disappointed. The sooner I accept this the better I will be.

April 10, 2007
10:49 am
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lettinggo, why is that is so hard to let go? I know it may not seem like much but not spending the night there and keeping my distance is a huge step for me. My girlfriend said I can live here so I started bringing my stuff over. How do I stay strong when I feel like this.

April 10, 2007
10:49 am
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sad sack, I don't i just thought he would change if I was good enough to him. I just want to be loved and I don't understand why he doesn't love me anymore

April 10, 2007
11:04 am
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lettingo
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feelinglost,
It is hard to let go because it is familar. As bad as something is if it is familar it is hard to give up. Also, you are giving up your hopes, your dreams of what you thought could be, NOT WHAT IS. This is going to take time. Don't be too hard on yourself but try to surround yourself with recovery and people who are nurturing. Can you see a counselor or a therapist? That would also help alot. There is no quick fix to this. Try reading books that might help and journaling has always been helpful for me. Personally, I think you need to get help with self esteem issues. Saying "i just thought he would change if I was good enough to him". When you read that does it even sound healthy? Do you think he is trying to be good enough for you? Doesn't it really matter "why" he doesn't love you? I know it hurts but for now maybe you should work on loving yourself.

April 10, 2007
11:09 am
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atalose
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But I did spend the night at my girlfriends again and tried not to talk to him much.

When you say tried not to talk to him much, do you mean you kept trying to call him? And if so for what?

Letting go isn’t easy but holding on like you have been is a form of self punishment.

You do deserve to be loved it’s just not with this man. There could be a number of reasons he no longer has those feelings for you, but does that really matter?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 10, 2007
11:29 am
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taj64
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It gets easier in time. The hard part is now. The even harder part was to live with a man who simply cannot love you the way you want. No amount of doing on your part. You cannot change this. You can only change yourself but you can only change yourself because you want to do it, not to change an outcome that you know deep down is not going to be change.

Why do you keep calling him? Why do you feel to punish yourself? Letting go is very difficult but you will never know how easier it will become if you don't cut the ties and break them all the way. Weaning yourself for over a year now since the time he told you back then that he was not sure he loved you has indeed prolong your pain and done you no good. At this point it does not matter why but that he doesn't.

This guy is and has not supported your emotional well being for a very long time. And no amount of calling him is going to convince him.

What you need to worry about now, is moving forward and letting go of this pain within you. Time is going to take care of that. Talking to people will help you. Going through the process of accepting this, and realizing I can do nothing though painful to accept it is what it is.

There are other things in life waiting for you. How will you ever experience these other things if you continue to focus on how to get this man to love you. HE doesn't. You cannot make someone love you.

Your goal is to take each day at a time. Your goal is to recover from this loss. Your goal is to change your priorities in life. And it is going to take effort and time. And allow it all to happen naturally.

You will never move foward until you stop calling and contacting. He doesn't want it. You have to get in your head that you are doing this for you, not for him. You are stopping contact for your own good and for your future. There is no future with him. None.

April 10, 2007
3:32 pm
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I think you wwould be proud of me, I moved a lot of my stuff to my girlfriends today. I cried a few times today but I am not as bad as I was being stuck in limbo. Strangley enough I feel a sense of relief!

April 10, 2007
3:52 pm
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taj64
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Hi. I have been reaching out to those a lot today.

First off I am proud that you are taking steps and that you do feel better. But you should be proud of yourself most of all. This is pretty brave step and I think it is the start of something really good. Keep your chin up, know that this is for the best, and that you won't have to endure this painful relationship again. I guarantee a year from now you will be wondering why the heck you made a fuss over him. At least that is what I predict. You are doing fine, you are looking out for #1 you. You said the key word here - relief. And on the way is more relief. Trust in that.

April 10, 2007
4:07 pm
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atalose
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Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders????

That was great you moved more stuff, good for you. I am glad you have a friend who can be there for you like this.

It can be a very good feeling when you move out of limbo, at least you are moving!!!! good for you. I think you'll realize it's not as hard as you thought in letting go, you'll look back and realize it was much harder holding on.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 10, 2007
7:54 pm
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((((taj)))) ((((atalose))))

I am sad tonight, Why is nightime so hard? I want to call him but I won't. :''-(

April 11, 2007
8:37 am
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taj64
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It is going to be tough for awhile ..expect it. Night time is hard because you wind down and you are resting and your mind is open to what is really bothering you and focuses on that. You will be sad for awhile. BUt it will fade, let it fade. Ride it out. And most of all, don't call. You will only hurt worse. This will all pass and will take a few weeks for this to feel bad like this, like withdrawal from a drug. It is no fun to be in this. But your future is awaiting you. Remember this. No pain, no gain.

April 11, 2007
9:46 am
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2shy
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Feelinglost,

I can understand what you are going through because I went through it a month ago---and a hundred times before that with the same ex.

A year ago I thought that I was going to die without him. I kept going back to him each time after we broke up. I figured it was less painful. I have learned a lot from going back to him-- 1) once they get to the point where they don't really want you anymore they never go back to they way they felt about you before....someone else on this site mentioned that too 2) men with bad addictions (my ex was a gambler) will just bring you down with him..financially & emotionally. 3) we are spending so much of our energy trying to fix them...we forget ourselves and we just focus on them 4) nothing we do will ever satisfy him--NOTHING....which only drives us to try harder to please him......I finally said ENOUGH!!!

I have shocked everyone from breaking free from him. Everyone thought that I was going to go back to him. Usually by this point I would have been back with him. I don't have any desire to go back to him now.

I have done a lot of reading...so I want to share some things you can do to help yourself from feeling anxious because you miss him.

1) write all the things he said or did to hurt you on a sheet of paper or in a booklet. (I have my booklet....now I don't have trouble remember the bad things he did, I have trouble remembering the good things)

2) keep yourself busy....pamper yourself...go out with friends.....call friends up.....read the threads on this site and keep posting.

3) when you are laying in bed thinking of him...close your eyes and focus on your breathing instead...think of how each part of your body feels. Listen to the sounds around you.

4) try visualization....pretend you have a ton of money...picture where you would live, decorate your house..just think of the great setting. Whenever you feel anxious during the day go to that place you visualize. Apparently, your thoughts control your feelings...hence good thoughts = good feelings.

5) read the book "the journey from abandonment to healing".

I think that you are doing great so far. Eventually you will think back and say "why did I stay with him for so long?" I am proof of that.

April 11, 2007
1:34 pm
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Thanks Taj 🙂 It does help having some one there with me.

April 11, 2007
1:35 pm
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2shy, Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I am going to try doing what you said and let you know the answers I came up with. Do you think its weird that I feel numb?

April 11, 2007
1:50 pm
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2shy
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Feelinglost, it isn't weird that you are feeling numb. That is part of the grieving process. I highly recommend you read the book I mentioned. It really helped me. Hopefully it will help you too. Stay strong and stay away from him.

April 11, 2007
2:21 pm
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lettingo
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I loved that book too!! I really helped comfort me in the thick of it all. Feelinglost, try to just let grief happen. It is hard but the quicker you feel it all and stand still the quicker it goes away. You won't always feel this way. Try to pick up that book.

April 11, 2007
2:23 pm
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taj64
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Feeling numb is better than feeling pain. Just means it is settling in. You'll feel happy again, you'll see. Just hang in there! All that stuff you guys went through, I have been there myself. It is very tough but somehow you make it. And your life will be manageable again.

April 11, 2007
2:39 pm
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nappy
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Feeling,
I am so proud of you. You have finally woke up. Don't you feel bless.
You are going to be hurting because you have lost someone but just walk through the pain so that you can get to the over side of joy and happiness.

Don't stay stuck, give yourself time to grieve and then rejoice for the simple fact that you are free of all the nonsense that went along with that relationship. Wish him well and go on with your life. God is opening up your doors for you and just maybe when the time is right. You will be able to help someone else that have went through the same things as you.
God loves you and he knows everything about you and he knows that you will get through this.
Nappy!

April 11, 2007
2:42 pm
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atalose
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I think the times of day or nights that you spent the most amount of your time with him is when it's the hardest. If you were used to being with him in the evenings then that is the time you will feel the biggest loss. As TAJ said feeling numb is better then feeling pain, it may not feel that way right now but in time you will feel happy again.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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