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Its not fair that my parents are gone
June 30, 2007
9:30 pm
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thewall
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Today I had a hard day. WE visited gpa which was nice but then he wanted to go to the cemetary to see gma and my mom. As I sat at my mom and dads grave I kept crying and thinking about how unfair it is for me to not have any parents. I was 12 when dad died and 35 when mom died. My sister moved to Texas and I have no idea where she is. Sometimes I feel so ripped off.

June 30, 2007
9:42 pm
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bevdee
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(((Miss Wall)))

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Graveyards really tear me up. Sometimes we make such strides, then it just takes a memory or some other little "jostling" to set it off, doesn't it? Yet still we rise?

I had a dream about my sister last night, and I have been very unsettled today, so I know how you feel.

Love you. (((Miss Wall)))

June 30, 2007
10:01 pm
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sad sack
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Hi TheWall,

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I understand completely the statement about feeling "ripped off." I feel that way also. Both my dad and my brother passed away at way too young an age.

I understand how some days are harder than others and how someimes the slightest thing will trigger a painful thought or memory.

I, too, am sorry about the disappearance of your sister. I can only imagine how painful that must be for you.

You will be in my thoughts. I basically just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having a difficult day.

Sad

June 30, 2007
11:42 pm
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soapy41
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I totally understand your pain. My mom passed away one year ago (May 24). I don't think that I will ever stop grieving that loss. I feel such a void without my mother. There are days when I feel so alone and hopeless! There has not been one day since she passed that I have not thought of her.

I don't fight those difficult days. I allow them and out of them comes the gift of my memory of her. Those days when I can't wrap my head around her not being here, I find myself looking in the mirror looking for her in me and I realize that she is alive and well in me and I have to live up to all that she instilled in me. My mother was the strongest person I knew and I think about all the people she lost to death- her mom, father, siblings, etc. and I think about how she must have grieved, but I also think about the strength and courage she displayed in spite of her losses and that is when I realize that she instilled that same strength and courage in me. This is the moment our parents was trying to prepare us for all their lives - "a time when they would not be with us". So we must live our lives in a way that affirms that their preparation was successful!

"Death helps us to appreciate Life!"
Anonymous

June 30, 2007
11:51 pm
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ggfred4
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(((the wall))) I am sorry you had a bad day. I know that had to be tough going to the graveyard. My thoughts are with you and I hope tomorrow will be a little better for you...Take care, gg

July 1, 2007
10:06 am
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bevdee
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(((Miss Wall)))

I wanted to give you another hug today. You doin ok?

July 1, 2007
1:30 pm
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thewall
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Hi all,

Thanks for the hugs and for your thoughts. Today is just another day. Some days are not "better" or "worse", just different. My reality is what it is and there is not a day when I can change that.

It was just really strange to be standing next to my 86 yr old gpa at the grave of my parents who were younger than him. Death has no age limit. I wish it did. It was equally strange and overwhelming to see my gpa's name and bday in stone on his grave sight. The reality of someday him being in the ground was too much for me. He's all I've got left and I dont think I can handle another major loss like that. It made me want to hold on to him and beg him not to die. But I think he's ready. He'll be going to see gma and 2 of his children, as well as 5 of his sisters. Theres more for him there than here. All day today I have been wanting to go back and get him and bring him here, 150 miles away. Its as if I subconsciously think that if I can see him everyday and care for him, then he wont die. If only I had that kind of control and power. But I dont. But the thought of him being gone forever......................

....forever is a very long time and feels more overwhelming as time passes from the death of my mother. The anniversary date is in Aug. I can not believe I have lived 5 yrs without any parents. Yet I'm not sure why that baffles me so much. I was on my own way before she died. Yet I guess subconsciously I knew that as long as mom was alive ........I dont know, as long as mom was alive I could run to her? No. That was never an option. Not since I left home at 17. As long as mom was alive I was rejected. But that wasnt something I wanted or enjoyed. So I am glad that is gone.

As long as mom was alive I held out hope that someday she would tell me she was sorry for all of the abuse and the lies. She would stop rejecting me blantatly as well as in subtle ways and our relationship would be restored. I think thats really the bottem line. Now without her here to tell me why I was so unloveable, I can never be 100% sure that I am and will never be able to fix whats wrong. Afterall, mother knows us best, right?
And what bothers me more is that she has the family convinced there is something wrong with me. I'm the happiest sanest family member in our bunch! Yes they still believe it and I'm the kid who left home at 17. Little do they know its bc mom was threatening to kill me and mom and her bf was wanting to have a 3-some.

As long as mom was alive there was HOPE that she would reveal the truth. Mom holds all the secrets, all the power, all of the truths. The truth about the abuse. The truth about whatever it was she told the family so that I looked like the bad guy and she looked like an innocent angel. The truth to my sister so that my sister could come running back into my arms, realizing that our sick mother told a bunch of lies bc she was jealous of my close relationship with my sister. As a result my sister has ran off to Texas alone, doing god knows what. I dont know if she is safe, sane or secure. All bc of my mother. ......

Anyway, I'm rambling.....no, more like spewing. Sorry. Sometimes when I start writing I have no idea what will come out. Its as if the fingers take over and reveal my emotions before i even consciously know what my feelings are.
I need to stop now though, before yall start charging me $100.00 an hr for our sessions. What a bill that would be.

Anyway, thanks for listening. And for the hugs. Sometimes even though I am surrounded by people, i feel so alone.

July 1, 2007
3:45 pm
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Hi, thewall,

I'm not sure that I've ever responded directly to you before now. Some things you are saying just struck a chord with me.

I was raised to think of a person no longer "in that shell" upon death. As a result, I tend not to go visiting gravesites, because it seems sort of ritualistic and does not mean alot to me. But I KNOW people who just need to go there regularly and mourn. We're all different. I get a great deal of comfort when I pray, because I have this image of all my loved ones who have passed on being able to "hear" my prayers, and I feel that now THEY all know and understand me completely and love me dearly.

I like to think that what was NOT understood in life becomes clear (I realize you might need to believe in the concept of Heaven for this :)).

I lost my mother at 17. The ONE most comforting thought anyone gave me then was....."You do not have to feel the loss of her love for you nor your love for her just because of death". That comfort...can transcend death.

No, it doesn't seem fair that you were left alone with so much grief. Too much "unfinished business". It's so neat you can love and enjoy your grandfather still. He can help you. Call him up and share all the good stuff in your life with him.

Protect yourself. Find some grief counseling groups so you can feel some support outside your family. Just reaching out a bit more will help.

Best wishes,

P.S. These suggestions are all things I think I SHOULD have done, not what I did!

July 1, 2007
5:07 pm
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The Wall

I read this "As long as mom was alive there was HOPE". My mom is still alive, and I know that she is not going to change for me. I'm still in this grieving process myself. Grieving that illusion. Because, in my case, with my mom, grieving the kind of mother she was (or wasn't) to me is kind of, I don't know, weird. Because she was mean, neglectful, and vindictive and spiteful. I kept hoping that she would someday see how wonderful I am. How lovable, how smart, how worthy. I tried really hard to make sure she saw how "good" I was.

Nothing works with our kind of moms, sugar. Your mom? She might not have changed before she died. I would be surprised if she did. (((Wall)))

July 1, 2007
5:08 pm
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bevdee
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I mean I would be surprised if my mom did. Oh well, you get another hug. (((Wall)))

July 1, 2007
8:25 pm
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thewall
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I'd be surprised if mine changed too Bevdee. Realistically. And if you would have asked me if I thought she would change, I would have said no way. But then when she died, everything changed inside of me. Its weird how much power a momma has over her kids. Unconscious psychological power. I dont like it.
I used to say I would never cry when she died bc she was so mean. Man that was a stupid comment. Sometimes the tears just overflow down my face even before I realize it.
Momma why did you do this to me? Why momma? Why?
And my biggest battle is not knowing which of her behaviors were caused by "mental illness" and which was caused by her just being mean. When she said xyz, was that bc she was being mean and meant it or was she maybe off her rocker that moment? When she did 123 was that mental illness or did she really hate me that much?????? How can anyone hate me that much?? or hate anyone that much???
Its a constant battle. One that I see no end in sight. And that drives me nuts.

Thanks for all of your replies and encouragement. Its so good to know that I am listened to.

July 1, 2007
10:48 pm
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soapy41
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My mom was a very strong and domineering woman and we had our differences, but what I have learned to understand is that I carry many of her traits because she was the first and greatest influence on me in my early formative years. For everything I did not understand or accept about her in life, I did in her death. Even when she did not act like it, she loved me. Plus, I look at it this way, she has paid the ultimate price for her sins toward me and others with her death!

We never stop wanting to please our parents and make them proud. I still want to make my mother proud in death! No matter what the conflicts are in a child/parent relationship, when you lose a parent you lose a very strong and powerful connection. That is the one person who knew you from the beginning and now she is gone?!!

Keep venting, it is healthy!!!

July 2, 2007
12:10 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((The Wall))))

Death is such a difficult thing to deal with- but especially difficult when it is someone very close to you. It sounds like you are not only grieving the death of your parents, but also the anticipated death of your grandfather. Here is a website that has helped me cope with many deaths in my life.

http://www.griefhealing.com/

It is run by a grief counselor who has lost both her parents as well.

Sending hugs and comforting thoughts your way,
Chelonia

July 2, 2007
12:13 am
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thewall,

I'm going to try to say this better, hoping it means something more to you:

Your mother lacked understanding and knowledge and capabilities in life.

Hopefully, she gained that omnipotent knowledge upon her passing, so that you can feel like she has finally been given understanding and peace.

It's a really forgiving concept. It allows you to say to yourself, "Well, finally, she
knows how it was. She knows what she didn't do right. She understands me. And herself. And it's no longer an issue, because NOW I know she's seeing clearly."

It is a real way to let go of all the miserable wrongs. You KNOW the difference between right and wrong yourself now. You can choose to love what good there was, and let go of the wrongs.

July 2, 2007
6:34 am
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bevdee
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Miss W

I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you this morning. I read this - "But then when she died, everything changed inside of me.". Here's what I thought. Hope. You lost the last hope of having her love. I wonder if that is part of your pain. Hope still comes to me sometimes.

I believe my mother's mental illness caused her to be mean. I was something she could focus her rage on when my daddy was at work in the evening. I believe that as I got older and argued with her insanity, as I grew up and away from her, she hated me.

I hope you have a ...tolerable? day.

(((Wall)))

July 2, 2007
8:01 am
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thewall
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Thanks for the link to the grief board. I will definately check it out!! Loosing someone sucks. I'm tired of the pain. Just when I get all proud of myself for being done with it, it creeps up on me. Guess I better stop thinking all "high and mighty" of myself sometimes huh?

And you are exactly right. I am grieving already for my gpa. Anticipatory grief. I wish it was relastic to believe that I will be done with grief by the time he dies but I know thats not the case. I just dont want to go through it again. It hurt so bad phys and emotionally. Its like having surgery on something, then dreading it bc you have to have surgery on another part. I dont wanna!!!

And Bevdee,
Thats it!!! You hit the nail right on the head!! You said...

"I believe that as I got older and argued with her insanity, as I grew up and away from her, she hated me."

Thats when she started hating me the most..when I got old enough to challenge her way of thinking. Not so much with blantant words, since I was scared shi*less of her, but probably by my actions. She would suggest something and I would ask "why mom" or "can't I do it this way" or "are you sure?". Typical for a preteen/teenager but for my mother it was the kiss of death in our relationship. She just wanted me to lay there and take it, and sometimes I didnt. The beatings I did bc she told me if I cried or ran away from her, then she would beat my sister and I would have to watch (ha, like that got me somewhere with my relationship with my sister..little miss off to Texas somewhere). But the emotional stuff I learned to show no response and that drove her nuts. The sexual stuff I protested and said No to. She then began calling me "stuckup" and "better than she was".

Yes, I can see that pattern too. The more independant I got, the less she loved me and the more she beat me. She told me if I went away to college or ever moved out of the house EXCEPT FOR WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO DO, then she would kill herself.

Well, I did move away to college but she never killed herself (thank God) but I had to think about myself and fortunately my guidance counselor saw right through her manipulations.

She wanted me to join the army and would not approve of anything else. I got a masters degree and an associated degree and 2 careers to support myself just in case I needed to, and that wasnt good enough for her or my family, despite the fact that most of them did not go to college. I almost got a PhD but I figured that wouldnt please anyone either so I didnt. I did what I wanted to do. Screw them. But sometimes I miss them...some of them. I miss being with someone who knew me as a kid and knew my parents so that we can kid around and bring up the good times and laugh at the funny things momma used to do and say and look at pictures of us when we were younger and skinnier and hear their southern accent and eat southern food together and and .........and.................. I wish I had that. Then maybe I wouldnt still be grieving.

Gpa was talking about his last time seeing mom..every detail. Broke my heart. He was missing her too this w/e. Hes been giving stuff away to everyone. I think he knows his time is coming. I just want to beg him not to die. But what good would that do? So I dont. I just come here and whine about it.

I need to go. Ive got a 12 hr day today and will be brain dead by the time I get home tonite.

Thanks for listening.

thewall

July 2, 2007
10:01 am
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bevdee
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Wall-

I'll be thinking of you today. I wish I could fry up some chicken, devil some eggs and whip up some tater salad for ya!

If it's not too personal a question to ask - where ya from?

July 2, 2007
8:25 pm
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thewall
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lol. Im in Indiana. But my family is from West Virginia so I grew up southern in a midwest town. 😀

And we do fry up some chicken, devil some eggs, bake some cornbread and fix turnip greens for dinner. I gots da southern blood flowin thru my veins, foe shure!

July 2, 2007
8:28 pm
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(((Wall)))Im sorry youre in such pain over your dear ones. The good fellows and the bad fellows. To me it shows you have a big heart and a lot of wisdom to try and connect with famiily members, alive or not.

I had a similar relationship with my mother: competitive, challenging, stiffling, jeaulous, needy, almost opposite soul mate kind of relationship. I always wanted her approval and never got it. On top of that, she brain washed my older brother and sister against me, too. Then she separated from my adoring father, my soul mate according to him and the parent that made me feel special.

After the separation, my sieblings and I lived a very materialistic life if not for the church services I went to with my mother and her parents. My mom and I liked the same things but pursued it differently. She thought I was intellectual and therefore could read books for her, I mean, in her place!! She never finished a college degree or her Beaux Arts (piano) degree. She was very insecure. I used to be very confident and question her all the time. Exactly as you did with your mom! She saw it as me being defiant of her authority. I realized with time that I wrongly wanted and needed her approval. Now both my parents are dead, and I can´t concretely get their approval or support.

Its a shame you don´t feel the support of a friend, mentor or someone who passed away as I do with my father. Its not a crazy thing. I always question its validity b/c my father was the bad guy in the family... But then the feeling is so intense that I stop questioning it. As for my mother, I have no idea where in HP´s big scheme of things she´s at! And I dont care so much anymore. I figured HP made the right provisions for her.

One of the things that helped me - at church - was the story about the man who crossed Niagara Falls on a single cord. Imagine that! It took ability, training and concentration but most of all, a belief. The belief that it was possible, the belief that he could do it and most of all, the belief in himself. I wonder who his parents were and whether they were alive at the time...

The belief in myself is something I always wish to improve. Heres how that story translates practically for me after I did some cognitive therapy. In very rough form, I express the thought that occurs to me about my mother (for ex). Then the feeling associated with it. And then I write the valid reasons for that belief and the invalid reasons for the same. As I question and second guess myself a lot, usually I get an even number of valid and invalid reasons for my belief.

No matter how the bottom line turns out, all the "winning" reasoning starts sinking in and taking form by itself. I can no longer discount, deny, second guess or mistrust myself, no matter the extent of my mom´s persecution and lack of maternal knowhow haunts me. Shes somewhere where she cannot physically affect me. And emotionally it is up to me to bar her intrusion in MY life.

Yes, I wanted to please her which is what children and dependent persons do. In exchange, she competed with me for my dad´s love, she competed with me in every little way. As opposed to her, despite her, I finished college (she started three degrees and bailed out "b/c of the children"), I got a Master degree, I read a little (owning the knowledge I got), traveled some, etc.

Nevertheless, when my marriage ended in ´98, I thought I was nobody, life for me was over. My mom almost had her vengeance from her grave, so to say, for my accomplishments. Ive had severe depression for 8 years and attempted another unsuccessful suicide in May of 2006.

Now that Im recovering, with help from this forum, too, I am starting to see myself differently. I no longer attempt to discount and deny my accomplishments so much. I look less for support from sieblings who never had a deep and inquisitive conversation with themselves. Instead, I try to look for people like me, like you.

Your sharing prompted mine in a way I never did before in this forum. So that you know, you had the power to reach my soul with the life and pain of your words. And for that, my friend, I am thankful. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. Hope you are getting it via cyberspace.

Let me just ramble a little bit more. I think we weren´t given more than we can take. I believe the reason we were "chosen" as black sheep is b/c we were strong enough to take it. Perhaps a bit, no, a lot of a mother´s love is sparing her weak offsprings from her own claws. So if your mother had this love, you should feel proud of her and proud for being her daughter and taking love to wiser degree than your mother did.

May we grow from this experience and help others like you did me. Big hug,

July 3, 2007
6:06 pm
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thewall
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Sininho,

Thank you. Glad I could be of some help to you too, although I'm sorry that you had to suffer like you did. Why do our momma's have to be so difficult? :-S

Anyway, never stop believing in yourself. That alone will get you far.

hugs,

thwall

July 3, 2007
11:50 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Wall

Yes you have some southern in you if you like greens. I like them about twice a year - maybe.

I hope you have a good Fourth. From today's posts, I sense you are feeling better.

I'll just throw in a hug for good measure. (((Wall)))

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