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It's my birthday - lonely gazelle.
February 16, 2006
9:42 am
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gazelle
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It's my birthday today. I'm alone, as usual, & feeling low. Teenage son out. Teenage daughter won't get up - it's 2.30pm! She was out half the night as usual. Ex-hb, their dad, at work. He gave me roses, chocs, a lovely present & card. Hoorah! He's a great friend, as I am for him 🙂

I'm feeling a bit miserable because although I got a few other cards, 0 from my mother. She stayed here for a week at Xmas & we showered her w gifts, food etc ... but she got nothing for my kids & me - not even a card. She's elderly but v intelligent & mentally astute. She lives alone by choice, hundreds of miles away ... has never shown any interest in my life at all, even when the children were little.

It still hurts that, although we haven't fallen out with her, my brother & I don't even get our birthdays acknowledged any more. Yes, we're grown-ups & it shouldn't matter. But I suppose I'm childish enough inside to want at least my existence acknowledged.

I remember everyone's birthdays & always put banners up, bake cakes, & make a big fuss of them. It's extremely pathetic & childish of me to crave just a little bit back, & I'm disgusted with myself for this self-pity as I sit at my pc alone. Time to grow up, at 44!

I'm lonely, & miss my late Dad SOooo much, who died nearly 15 years ago. He was caring & supportive & educated & romantic & funny - even after Mum ran away & divorced him simply because she doesn't like people. He was warm & friendly, & loved my brother & me unconditionally. Poor Dad 🙁

Blessings to all - gazelle.

0 from my ex-bf, despite him insisting he always wanted to stay friends 🙁

On the plus side, a chap I met at an Xmas party & then for lunch & coffee last week sent me a text saying "Happy Birthday & hope to c u soon x " A good sign.

February 16, 2006
9:52 am
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CAMER
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((((HAPPY BIRTHDAY))))) GAZELLE!!! I am glad your ex hub gave you what he did, and its good you are both still
getting along.

I feel the same way 40 yo...and me and my brother don't even acknolege our b'days anymore.....and my mom,
she may call me on my birthday, usually very late in the day...and hmmmm, i thought she would care more to call me earlier.

Try to enjoy your day & know you will get a lot of "happy b'day's" from all your cyber friends here.

Much love, Camer

February 16, 2006
10:01 am
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butterflybaby
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Happy Birthday Gazelle,

Try to focus on all of the postive things that you have in your life right now!! And hey having birthdays are a great thing...it means your still here...and we are all glad about that.

: )

Hugs

February 16, 2006
10:01 am
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whidbey
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Happy Birthday, Gazelle! It sounds like you've got some pluses and minuses with it, but definitely some pluses. Try to focus on those, if you can. Ouch. That's got to really hurt about your mom. I'm so sorry that's happening to you. I like the text message... 🙂

February 16, 2006
10:22 am
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nice guy
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Happy Birthday!!!!!!!
Everyone feels alone on their birthday if people forget about it or don't say happy birthday. The one thing that you have is children who love you. As a single person in my 40's I have never had children and I really think that people that have them are so lucky. I lost my mom 8 years ago and once in a while I have sad memories but I remember the good things and that makes me feel good. If people forget your birthday don't feel bad about it. As a guy I have forgot my brothers and sister birthdays all the time and they don't take offense to that. They forget mine also. Just look at what you have and you will realize that you have special people in your life that love you. Have a Very Happy Birthday.

February 16, 2006
10:29 am
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Notsure
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Best wishes on your birthday.

Regards. Notsure

February 16, 2006
10:32 am
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gettingthere
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE GT x

February 16, 2006
10:41 am
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hbdude2k
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Happy Birthday....very exciting day!! Your mom is not going to change so stop expecting her too. Move on and accept her unconditionally. Why beat yourself up over things. It's your birthday, enjoy it for who you are and have fun. If others want to join, then it will be a gift to you, but don't expect any gifts until one surprises you....I live my days for me and I know you should too. Turn your lonelyness into something productive. I know its easy to say, but worrying just brings you down to loneliness. Now have a wonderful day .......Happy birthday!!!!!

February 16, 2006
10:43 am
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Gazelle,

Personally, I wish we could STOP having birthdays after the age of 35!!! They are a huge waste of time! #1 we get OLDER, yuck! #2 we tend to look back and "evaluate" our lives (transations: dredge up the past), #3 we usually don't get the acknowledgement we WISH we'd get from those we care about, which is always disappointing and #4 WE GET OLDER! YUCK!!!

It's just a day, Gazelle. Try not to put too much emphasis on it, OK??? I agree with Whidbey and Butterflybaby, focus on the positives (there are MANY of them if you really think about it)...

I'm sorry you're missing your Dad!!
Why is it that all the warm and wonderful people die much too soon and the old, bitter crows last FOREVER???

Dont' mean to call your Mum names, I'm just pondering the unfairness of life. Sorry. This is supposed to be an uplifting message full of CHEER and BIRTHDAY WISHES!! So, here goes...

Happy birthday Gazelle and may you have a long and prosperous life, without turning into an old bitter crow!!!!

Love and Hugs!

TC

February 16, 2006
10:51 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Happy Birthday to You, Gazelle! I know the feeling of not being acknowledged as I used to be, but I am learning to make my special days special for me in some way. I either go out somewhere, buy flowers or some special treat or clothing item I want. For Valentine's I got a good haircut/style. Helped a lot.

February 16, 2006
11:43 am
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mj
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Happy Birthday Gazelle!

Seems like you are not as alone as you perceived. Thanks for reaching out and asking for support. Hope you enjoy your Day!

February 16, 2006
11:53 am
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lollipop3
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((((Gazelle))))

Happy Birthday!!!!!

I'm sorry that you are feeling down today. Perhaps you could do something nice for yourself. Example....I just bought myself two dozen roses...and they're lovely.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your special day.

Love,
Lolli

February 16, 2006
11:56 am
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guest_guest
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hi ((gazelle)), happy birthdey from me too. Have a good one, I hope that chap is a nice guy.

February 16, 2006
11:59 am
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kathygy
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gazelle,

I think your feeling are very natural. Birthdays bring up a lot of feelings. Of course it hurts when your own mother does not acknowledge your birthday. She was there afterall on day one.

The main person I always wanted to hear 'happy birthday' from was my mother when she was still alive.

It always felt very special to me when she called me on my birthday to say 'happy birthday'. It kind of felt like she was showing she was happy I was born, that she gave birth to me.

Also, it would feel very intimate between her and I because she was there when I was born and that's what celebrating a birthday is about, celebrating my birth.

I'm very sorry your mother has denied you of this among other things.

I think what might help is to be your inner parent to your inner child and give her everything that your birth mother does and did not.

Now that my mother is gone I am very sad on my birthday.

I celebrate my birthday for my inner child and give her everything she wants. I buy her balloons, cake with birthday candles and a present. Also, I read her John Bradshaw's affiramtions for the inner infant like, "welcome to the world, I have been waiting for you', God smiled when you were born' and such.

In other words I give my inner child all the attention she needs and wants from me.

In addition to that I do celebrate with friends and my sister.

Happy Birthday to you!

I am glad you were born.

love,
kathy

February 16, 2006
1:13 pm
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luv2luvher
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Happy Birthday (((Gazelle))), you are not alone. We are here for you.

() () () ()
ll ll ll ll
ll ll ll ll
llllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllll
llllllllllllllllllll
lllllllllllllllllllllll

Much Luv,
Luv2
P.S.(hope this cake comes out looking right...If not that was what it was suppose to be:) )

February 16, 2006
1:13 pm
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luv2luvher
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and of course it doesn't lol

February 16, 2006
1:29 pm
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shelbeegirl
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Happy,Happy Birthday Gazelle, Wouldnt it be nice if all of us could meet and take you out for a wonderful dinner for your birthday? Since we cant, know that we all love you very much and are with you today.

February 16, 2006
1:57 pm
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Shaney
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Happy Birthday GAZELLE!!!

((( (o: ~GAZELLE~ :o) )))

First of all, I'd like to tell you that everytime I read your name, I think of you as being a very tall, leggy woman who has a long, confident stride. :o)

Coming from someone who is just like you (the homemade card-making party giver who goes out of her way to make someone's day special), I have learned over the years that we're a rare breed, sister. Most people, although they may love the hell out of you, just don't view birthdays as being that important... and so they just don't remember them, like we do. It's a shame, I know... but so very true when you start thinking about how many friends and family members actually go out of their way, like we do. Just know that WE care and know how special you are. Happy Birthday!!!

Hey luv2luvher - I can see what you were trying to do there, with that cake! If you get a chance, try it again... I'd love to see it :o)

February 16, 2006
1:59 pm
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gazelle
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Oh, thank you all very much indeed. It's true - I have been feeling sorry for myself all day alone at home, and yes, hbdude2k & tc66, you're right. I'm bringing my misery on myself & should stop it & be positive & count my blessings.

Yes, Kathy, at least you seem almost to understand why it hurts so much to get no acknowledgement from Mum on my birthday. Unlike you, I don't even get a late phonecall.

Thanks for being kind, to Camer, butterflybaby, Whidbey, niceguy, Notsure, gettingthere, Tumbleweed, mj, Lolli, Guest, lovely kind Luv2 & shelbeegirl. If only I could buy you all a drink & share lovely pieces of Luv's birthday cake with you all! (Hope it was a chocolate one?)

[Daughter has just burst in, sworn at me & stomped upstairs to her loud metal music. Her dad says it's because she is giving up smoking & is upset at putting weight on, so her bad behaviour must be overlooked. Hmmm ... after all my upbringing, I feel a failure if I can't even elicit decent behaviour on my b/day.]

Son still out, apparently eating w friends. Am still in alone. Sigh. But I must stop crying and might force myself to go out to a pub-restaurant for a meal.

Thanks, cyber-friends, for this page, which I'll save & keep as a birthday card.

Blessings - gazelle (yes, glad to be still alive.)

February 16, 2006
2:05 pm
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kathygy
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gazelle,

you don't have to force yourself to be positive if you really feel sad. Its really important to fully feel the saddness and acknowledge it.

It sounds to me that you have a lot of grieving to do over not having the mother you needed and deserved.

Then you can more easily move through it but I think its better not to fight it.

February 16, 2006
2:08 pm
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gazelle
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Thanks, Shaney! Well, I'm fairly tall, slim & leggy, & I do walk fast (though not confidently at all!) I've been likened to a young doe a few times, 'cos I love the countryside esp forests, & freedom, and my ex bf said he was scared to make a sudden move in case he wld scare me away! That was early on, on the 3rd date or so, when he wanted to hug & kiss me v delicately. I was smiling into his eyes but still too shy. Sigh. All over now - not a word since mid-October :(((

I HEREBY RESOLVE TO SNAP OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION & STOP WHEINGING! Please don't abandon me while I'm gamely working on myself.

Blessings - gazelle.

February 16, 2006
2:14 pm
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gazelle
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Thanks, Kathy. You seem to be saying it's alright to be me (if I read you right.) That I have "permission" to think & feel what is bubbling up inside. That feeling & even expressing it is ok. Is that what you mean???

Sometimes I get so weary at putting on a brave face when I'm almost dead inside.

Thank you for the lovely, kind words, Shaney & everyone.

February 16, 2006
2:28 pm
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kathygy
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gazelle,

ABSOLUTELY!

you have the complete right to ALL of your feelings and the right to FEEL them. In fact, its a way of showing love for yourself. you're telling yourself you care about you're feelings no matter what that is and your feelings are important.

You have the complete right to stay true to yourself. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations.

I have struggled with this myself where I felt that I am supposed to be fine and not need anything. But now I honor myself first. If I feel depressed so be it. I don't have to be cheerful for anyone if I'm not feeling cheerful.

love,
kathy

February 16, 2006
2:45 pm
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Shaney
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Wow Gazelle - your daughter sounds like most teenagers nowadays - pretty consumed with her own life with not much left for anyone else. It's no excuse though - you're her mother and it's your bday. Don't you wish you could just belt out, "Hey, listen up everyone. It's my birthday and you are all going to come downstairs with ear to ear smiles on your faces, and celebrate with me. Now go get me some presents, pour me a drink, and make me my favorite meal."

If only... :o)

February 16, 2006
5:59 pm
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gazelle
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Cheers, Shaney. She went out again, as did my son. It's nearly 11pm now, & I'm just back home.

Guess what? My ex-hb (the teenagers' father) took me out to a posh restaurant for a lovely meal! He didn't say much, but never mind, at least we didn't argue - even if there was practically no conversation. It was nice of him to take me out to dinner - a rare treat for me, so I was / am grateful.

My 14 yr old son is still out at his friend's birthday party, w pizza & playstation games & action videos. Daughter vanished to friends' as usual.

Hey, Nice guy - bringing up kids isn't a bed of roses - especially in today's overloaded, media-driven, competitive, quick-fix world!

Still 0 from Mum. Nor from my ex-bf. Nor from the posh fellow I've been in touch with ever since meeting in the Cathedral last Nov, & sharing lunches & afternoons with, exploring the city & chatting a lot by text & e-mail, ever since meeting. I texted him it was my birthday, but no greetings 🙁 It's funny how not hearing Happy Birthday from the very people we most want hurts!

Anyway, I'm well-fed & am feeling
considerably better now 🙂

BB - gazelle. Have another drink on me (non-alcoholic if preferred - try this scrump;tious fruit punch!)

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