Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
It's me, Cici
February 6, 2003
5:34 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi everyone,

I dunno who stayed and who left, I'm back and rather on track again. I, the one who so stubbornly resisted antidepressants, am still taking Lexapro and now I'm on Buspar as well, both are low-dose, not even therapeutic doseages yet, but I feel pretty damn good.

I've been working again, part-time, and getting out of the house and getting dressed never felt so...good. Weird. Things I took for granted, like getting up during the day and having a normal day, not one of huddling in my bed and hysterical crying, or sitting politely on my couch with hands folded in my lap staring diligently off into space with a terrified expression on my face.

Sometimes I look at my daily pill organizer and I feel a detached kind of amusement. Or I'm taking my handful of morning pills and it just feels surreal, a handful of pills and I can feel...not normal, there's not such thing. I can feel ok. For weeks at a time and not just lose it. I can get angry and watch the anger fade away in minutes! What?!? How is this possible! My whole life, wasted on weeks and months-long grudges.

The other day I was watching TV and I stood up and was folding a blanket I had thrown over my lap and I quite clearly had an image of what happened when I was date-raped when I was 19. The anniversary is coming up. Ash Wednesday is the annversary, oddly enough. I saw clearly a moment, the moment, the moment I have judged myself for unconsciously for these past 4 years now. And I felt OK with me, finally, not with him...I really truely felt no emotion whatsoever for him. No pity, or anger, or sadness...just nothing.

I think someone here mention that the opposite of hate isn't love, and the opposite of love isn't hate, it's having no feeling at all.

First time I've ever "seen" the moment in my head. Since it happened. Before I think there was just an intellectual awareness of the events, but not an image. Too traumatic, I guess.

Still reading Seligman's Authentic Happiness, I highly recommend this to anyone seeking a way to learn how to be more optimistic.

I was hesitant to write, at first. But, it's been 2 1/2 months, so we'll see how things progress and whether I have a dreaded relapse of depression around Ash Wednesday.

February 6, 2003
5:41 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Cici! Glad to hear that things are looking up for you. You deserve it! *hug*

February 6, 2003
5:45 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Babygirl!!! I just came here a couple of days ago myself. Haven't been back here in a longgg time. Interesting about "the moment", huh? I think you are searching for the "apathy" word regarding him.

I'm so glad you're better. You have really clawed your way out of all this. It's always better when someone wants to help themselves. You can point and suggest and whatever else but the person themselves has to want to swim.

You've done that and are still doing it. Has been interesting to watch you grow... But, you're much too stubborn to go all the way under. Like my grandmother used to call me - you're just a little piss ant!!! LOL! Geez, was that a compliment grandma??

Actually it is. It means you got spunk, babee!!

February 6, 2003
6:30 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ya sound like you, and ya sound good.
Welcome back.

February 7, 2003
2:26 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Cici,

good to hear of you again.

February 7, 2003
3:20 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Cici and everyone ! Nice to meet you !

February 11, 2003
9:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

for he/she who wants to become optimistic:

if u want to be optimistic, just be stubborn about it, there's no other way.

ur parents taught you to think negatively, beucase they were negative themselves, they gave u negative messages.

the only way to fight that off, is to force yourself to think positive, watch out for negative thoughts, and atonce replace them with positive ones, even though it'll look silly initially, and it'll look like its not making an effect.

but it DOES make an effect, i was depressed all the time and all that, but now i've almost become used to getting positive thoughts everytime a problem comes up, or everytime i detect negative thinking.

make the new habit, force urself, there's no other way.

February 11, 2003
9:12 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

and i'll add that i'm very sure my present habit of thinking positively is here to stay and that its not a "high".

i keep telling myself there's no other way in life than to think positively, giving up is not a solution, there's just no choice than to think positively.

cici, i've become a lot better than what i was 4 years ago, and i'm glad, and its cool. i dont get a high when i see myself good, i dont see impending doom after every sucess like i used to. if i do, i fight it off, get myself on the ground and think rationally and tell myself "everything is fine, i'm doing my best".
now its just acceptance of the sucess.
hopefully there will be more!

February 12, 2003
11:09 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good to see you back, Cici! Lot's of old timers still here. I'm glad things are looking up for you, and I hope you'll just keep on getting better!

Namaste, and (new one)...

YOU ROCK!

🙂

Jenny

February 18, 2003
2:47 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

CICI, it seems you have very high expectations of yourself and may even be perfectionistic, this is very hard on you.

Give yourself time to heal, grow and work towards the things that are most important to you as a person. Your dreams are ambitions yet to be realised and all of this is fertile ground for your teaching and healing of others.

February 18, 2003
5:09 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ah, well, life goes on and it's busy! I just forget to go online for a few days and I wonder if it's worth it to have DSL, but then again - I do like downloading music. Heh heh heh.

So my new medication is working out very well as far as I can tell, even though it's only been a few weeks with the Buspar, I've been able to up my dose of Lexapro.

I dunno that I have high expectations of myself rhymes - if you'd 'a seen me 4 years ago - yikes. Night and day, I'd say.

If anything my miscarriage and the sloooooow recovery from clinical depression that I've been on since November have taught me to be gentle with myself. Thus, the part-time job, where I work about 10 hours a week. Now it looks like my student's going to drop out of school again, so I'm thinking I'll just volunteer with Americorps doing part-time tutoring or teaching because I can get money fo grad school.

Ah, life goes on. I like it, though. I honestly do.

February 18, 2003
5:57 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.. It does my heart so much good to see you in this position in life. Ah yes, what a difference "today" makes, huh?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information