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it's me cici, back again. need help.
October 3, 2003
12:05 am
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Cici
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the process to coming to decision to change is a long one. but once you decide to change, it can be instantaneous, doncha think? I have a dreadful feeling brewing inside me. hrm. intuition rears its ugly head.

people have commented recently on how vacant i seem. several will ask if i am alright. i just seem absent. perhaps this medication is just what i've been looking for. a way to sleep my way through life. one person told me that i seemed to have "lost my spark"? bleh.

October 3, 2003
2:58 am
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Cici.
G'day ...

October 4, 2003
5:02 pm
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Cici
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happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to cici...happy birthday to me.

My evil bitch mother didn't call me again. That's it. I refuse to celebrate all birthdays from now until the end of time. birthdays are stupid. it's what you do with your life not the mere fact that you were born and managed to stumble up to this age.

October 4, 2003
5:27 pm
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Molly
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Cici---- I gave up on people celebrating me a long time ago, made it a point years ago to celebrate me, myself. Buy presents, do special things, and to hell with expectations any how. They never would have done enough, if they called, I would have wanted a card, if they sent a card, why didn't they call, if it was dinner why not a party ???? Common girl off the pity pot, and well I would say party, but perhaps that isn't the right thing to tell a past party animal ???? Is it in the past ? Most of us on this site celebrate your birth and being, and your rebirthing process. Keep on my friend. Oh, and Happy Birthday.xxoo

October 4, 2003
5:28 pm
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Molly
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Cici---- I gave up on people celebrating me a long time ago, made it a point years ago to celebrate me, myself. Buy presents, do special things, and to hell with expectations any how. They never would have done enough, if they called, I would have wanted a card, if they sent a card, why didn't they call, if it was dinner why not a party ???? Common girl off the pity pot, and well I would say party, but perhaps that isn't the right thing to tell a past party animal ???? Is it in the past ? Most of us on this site celebrate your birth and being, and your rebirthing process. Keep on my friend. Oh, and Happy Birthday.xxoo

October 4, 2003
5:40 pm
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arwen
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Cici,

I understand your feelings and frustrations regarding the whole "birthday" thing. Sometimes it feels insincere when people try to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes people don't notice or remember and that is also an uncomfortable feeling.

I have read many words of wisdom on these threads with your name signed at the bottom. Perhaps what would be more right than celebrating a "birthday" would be for us to celebrate ourselves and each other's lives consistently without making up an excuse like a "birthday", "graduation", "new baby", "marriage", etc.

So, Cici, please know that today I celebrate you! The fact that you were born, the fact that you have survived to be a presence here, and I celebrate the inspiration of hope you share.

Happy "Whatever" Day!!!

Arwen

October 4, 2003
7:41 pm
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tooscared
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Happy Birthday Cici. You are growing and staying strong through all the trials that you are going through. You are unique and special and you will come out a winner in all of these things going on in your life.

October 4, 2003
7:50 pm
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mentaljedi
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hi cici
i have a friend who has seizure 2 but shes gettin better. i paint 2, in abstract and i would like 2 play the harp 1 day. wut do u play and wut do u paint?

October 4, 2003
8:01 pm
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unhappy camper
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I hate if people know it's my birthday. I feel awful to be the centre of attention. Part of co-dependency I guess.

But a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY Cici!!!!!

I hope you give yourself a special treat if not today then soon. Spoil yourself silly with a new purchase or get your hair done or have a massage....something just for YOU.

🙂

October 4, 2003
9:18 pm
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mj
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Happy Birthday Cici....sometimes people just forget....but I hear your hurt and betrayal.

You Rock Cici. Sorry it was such a bad day for you. Is it too late for us to decorate and bring cake and ice cream 🙂 Tracylyn told us it was her birthday and admired that she wanted to celebrate and that we did.
Happy Birthday to YOU,
Happy Birthday to YOU,
Happy Birthday dear Cici,
It's a pleasure knowing YOU.

Big Birthday HUG....or should we administer the birthday cyber spanking line? How many today my friend?

October 5, 2003
4:55 am
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Ladeska
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She didn't call you, huh? Well, isn't that just so special? Geez, Cici....I'm so sorry but I know you're just sitting over there going - yea, whatever, screw it.

I understand........been there, done that, got the freaking t-shirt.

I just don't know how anyone could look at you and have you as a child and not just adore the day you were born....I don't get that one. Then again, some people just aren't capable of going there. Just isn't in them to really love.

I don't think you need to calculate "your worth" though......upon what she does or doesn't do..ya know? That would be using the wrong real wrong scale here. Even if she had of called - would it have really healed all the wounds inside you that this woman has already created? No. It would have been an empty gesture.

Well, I'm sure glad you're here! And I won't say all the birthday blah, blah, blah but will say - it's a special day and that's just that. And btw, I have a problem with mine, too. I really fight that one, so I can't talk much. It is difficult. All I know is - I Love You.

October 8, 2003
9:40 pm
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Cici
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just when you think you've had enough. do i really need to go into detail. better to just medicate myself into a slight coma than to care. because, as they said in group today, it's better to just sit with your emotions. and swallow them. i feel like i am going to puke.

October 8, 2003
10:04 pm
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Ladeska
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Getting offline and calling you now...

October 9, 2003
2:16 pm
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Cici
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stupid stupid stupid. how many times can we pat ourselves on the back and say everything is going to be ok???? how many times i it ok to feel parts of yourself dying off knowing that you will never regain them? how many times can we label behavior neurotic, or codependent, or whatever - just a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Screw it. I've done teh drus. I've cheated and been cheated on. i can't really ask why any more because i know that answer to THAT question. There is no answer.

blah blah blah. life had no meaning. I should join a cult. like become christian or something. Hey, going to catholic school for 9 years taught me something.

October 9, 2003
5:04 pm
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Ladeska
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YOU in a cult?? I don't think so! That would last all of....um, possible a few hours, depending on how much you wanted to toy with them. Sorry......couldn't resist but, you're the last candidate for that one.

Cici.....listen up here. To hell with the labels, who needs em. To hell with the family, they suck. To hell with the fair weather friends, their heads are stuck up their own ass and most of all to hell with finding the answer to "why?"

Time for you to get some support going for yourself and I mean "real support" not just these group thingies you've been to. Going to look now for things online in your area. You can't keep swimming upstream like this alone, it's just sucking the life out of you. You're on an island and that is just not good... Brb....

October 9, 2003
5:10 pm
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Ladeska
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904-377-7273........CALL!!!

October 9, 2003
5:41 pm
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Ladeska
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Also......this is the one I was talking some about last night...

202-544-1034 E-MAIL: [email protected] To find out more about RAINN, see RAINN's web site. 800-656-HOPE

October 9, 2003
5:42 pm
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Ladeska
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Web addy is - http://www.rainn.org

October 10, 2003
1:22 pm
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eve
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Cici,

hugs to you! (((Cici))) Happy belated birthday. I also had a lonely birthday last Saturday - and it rained all day, grrr. Couldn't get out to work in the garden like I was planning to. I wanted to get the plants inside, before it starts freezing - no way, it poured. So I had to stay inside and clean the flat. Yuck. But I made myself some lovely cake - maybe I could fax you a piece of it? Pears crumble cake, wholemeal, eccological pears :).

Have a reasonably good weekend!

October 10, 2003
4:24 pm
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Molly
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Pole dance that thread your hanging on to , just don't let go. xxoo

October 11, 2003
8:53 pm
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Alena
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Dear Cici, all I know is that from reading your posts for the last couple of years, you have accomplished so much in your young life, ALL BY YOURSELF. You are a shining light in this world, a bright, shining light with so much to offer to all of us. Please hang in there. Yep, you've been through hell and back a few times, you can find your way back again, we're all here cheering you on kiddo. You have it in you, those who have deserted you were never really there in the first place, it's all been YOU Cici, hang on.

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