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Its been 2 years...now what?
October 21, 1999
10:51 am
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T
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I have been living with a wonderful man for 2 years now. We are both 28. I want to get married soon so we can start our family. I don't want to be 30 something and pregnant. He has no urgency to get married. He says he wants to but he still hasn't proposed. I am getting to the point where I want him to propose to me(just so I know it will happen) or I want to leave. What should I do???? Mixed feelings. I really do love him though. Just don't want to wait forever. He knows all this too.

October 21, 1999
11:52 am
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Anonymous
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Whats wrong with being pregnant at thirty something? Often women are more mature and have healthier babies.
If he is non commital you need to make a firm stand with ACTIONS not words. Blessings

October 21, 1999
11:03 pm
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HOW?

October 22, 1999
12:14 am
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Well, for starters, try using hand gestures ('ACTIONS') :)))

October 22, 1999
12:16 am
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sorrrry... just kidding šŸ™‚

October 22, 1999
9:21 am
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everblue
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T,

Decide on a date beyond which you will not wait for him to make up his mind (maybe a few months from now). Tell him that if he has not proposed by this date you are leaving, because you don't want to waste your time. Don't try to make it a harsh threat or ultimatum (although that is what it is), but instead just let him know that you are very clear about what you want out of the relationship, and that what you want has its time limits. After living with you for 2 years, he cannot use the excuse of not knowing what he wants. He knows whether or not he wants this to continue. The catch here is that you MUST HAVE THE WILL to actually leave by the date you set if he hasn't proposed. This will be easier if you look at it from the perspective that its better you find out now if he will never give you a marriage and children, rather than wait around until you can't have children or you do and then find out he didn't really want to be a father/husband and he takes off or has an affair. He may surprise you and propose very soon after you have this discussion. If he doesn't, as the date you set nears make sure that you start taking steps to leave (looking for a place to live, taking your name off any joint bills, etc.) and make very sure that he sees you are doing this and you are serious. If he doesn't want to marry you, nothing you do will force him to do it. However, if he is afraid of committment but really loves you, this should jolt him into overcoming his fear because he will be more afraid of losing you. Alternatively, you could propose to him, although it does feel less romantic you would get your answer right away or demand to get one within a week or so. Good luck - let us know what happens! šŸ™‚
-everblue

October 22, 1999
9:24 am
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everblue
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p.s. If you try this and back down about leaving, it will never work in the future because he won't take you seriously when you say you are leaving. I know that much from experience!

October 22, 1999
12:08 pm
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Thank you. I feel bad about giving him an ultimatem. Cuz I want to be proposed to cuz he wants to do it himself. We have talked about it alot lately cuz I don't want to wait anymore. I am tired of waiting and one excuse after another. He told me yesterday that his concern is what if it doesn't last. That is like telling me he has a feeling it won't!

October 22, 1999
1:50 pm
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I can understand his feelings of worry. You should critisize those feelings, instead you should dig deeper and find out why he is worried. Maybe it's just as simple as having "cold feet", but sometimes it can go much deeper than what he is saying.
It's my opinion that maybe you shouldn't push the issue. After all, you will find out that 2 years is really not that long to really get to know someone. I've been married 5 years and lived with him for 3 years prior to that and I still don't know everything there is about him. Slow down and take your time.
I somewhat agree with the above mentioned in setting a time. Maybe if you talked to him and find the real issues you could set a date 2 years from now. Maybe having time to ease into a wedding will make him feel better and having set a date will make you feel better.
Also I agree with standing firm, but don't push it. He may in turn clam up and hold resentment towards you then both of you won't get anywhere.
So just talk to him. Let him know your feelings and be open and honest, but in turn let him express his and probe deeper for answers. Try suggesting setting a date that is further away and maybe he will be comfortable with it.
P.S. planning a wedding can become stressfull as we all know and having extended time to plan can take the ease of the rush to do so.

October 22, 1999
8:26 pm
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Thank you for that one! That makes alot of sense. But I have this overwhelming feeling to get married and start having kids. LIKE NOW! What can I do, besides going to counseling, to help my persistance to slow down?

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