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It's been 1 month
November 13, 2003
7:29 pm
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Lourdie
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Hello all:

Today wasn't such a good day for me... It's been a month and few days (why am i counting?) since I broke up with J... I told him that it was best for us to separte b/c the relationship was headed down a destructive path.. I do love him, but I have realized that I do not love myself and that I am a relationship addict...He also had issues that came into play of why we separated. My therapist suggested that I take a 3 to 6 month brek to re evaluate myself, my life and the current relationship.... Do you think this is right? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life by separating with him? What if he finds someone else? I never meant to hurt him or cause him pain...

Thanks for hearing me out...

November 14, 2003
8:35 am
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mj
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Hi,
Just wanted you to know that I care. Do you trust your counselor?

If someone finds someone else that fast then maybe he or she isn't worth having in your life. You have saved yourself lots of pain.

Take some time for you and work on you. That's the hardest part.

November 14, 2003
9:51 am
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unhappy camper
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Can you tell us more about your relationship with him? Was he abusive? Is he an addict? Were you co-dependent and/or being a door mat for him?

What was wrong with it? Why was a break recommended? If you are not sure, ask the counselor.

It seems that you lose yourself in a relationship (relationship addict) and that you get hurt and your needs not satisfied. Making yourself more important in your own eyes maybe is the best course. Then others will treat you better. If you are sincere with him, tell him what is going on, and that you want both of you to work on yourselves so you can have a better future together...all seems reasonable. If he doesn't want to go through with the work he needs to do on himself, it's better not to get back with him. It's trouble and heartache waiting for you.

Do concentrate on yourself. I bet you feel that pleasing him is more important. But you will continue to be dysfunctional until you heal yourself and grow. Then think of what wonderful healthy strong relationships you can form with healthy men.

Come on...give yourself credit. You deserve this chance to make the rest of your life happier. Shore up your foundation now. If it's the relationship that appeals to you, and not him in particular, then try to live without a relationship until you feel you won't be an addict any more. If you are in a hurry, then get lots of counseling fast, but pay attention, learn, believe, heal.

Don't rush through it and not change. You will be in the same situation over and over and over...until you do.

hugs,
camper

November 14, 2003
10:44 am
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gingerleigh
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Ya know, even if this person *was* a good match for you (which I'm not really buying into since you came to the conclusion on your own that it was unhealthy in some pretty serious ways), you have not sentenced yourself to a lifetime of pining away and loneliness. It sounds rather trite to say, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, and maybe you don't need to be so worried about that catfish that you threw back... sure, the catfish can be tasty when prepared right, but it usually needs lots of spices and a skilled cook to make it edible. And while you're focusing on catfish, you won't be seeing that school of Chinook River Salmon swimming by (also needing preparation) or the top grade sushi that only needs your willingness to try new things to be healthy and sustaining for you, not to mention colorful, fun and delicious.

Taking a break is NEVER a bad thing. If he finds someone else, then it wasn't meant to be. Enjoy this time getting to know you, because you are worth it. And when you're ready, grab your fishing pole and go have some fun!

November 14, 2003
10:46 am
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mj
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Wow, I love your analogy Ginger. Thanks, I needed to hear this.

November 14, 2003
1:32 pm
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Lourdie
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Thank you mj, unhappy camper and gingerleigh for responding! 🙂
Your caring and support is greatly appreciated..:)

I am so happy that I have found this site..

Unhappy Camper:

His issues that came into play with us breaking up is his family. He let's his family get too involved in our business. Please don't get me wrong, it's great top have a bond with your family, but, I felt what he has with them is not a bond.. it's more of an enmeshment. His family feels that they know what is best for him and he does whatever they say. I didn't say anything at first b/c I felt it wasn't my place. As I started therapy, I became to realize his behavior this was unhealthy...

The break was recommended by counselor b/c I was becoming more stressed by the situation. I Also, it was b/c I totally lost myself in the relationship. I was unhappy , but I held on b/c I didn't want to be alone... I barely saw him b/c he had so many other things to do with his family....I desperately wanted his parents approval, but, I nor any women will receive their approval... In their eyes, no one is good enough for their little boy...

I do love him, but I have to learn to be accountable for my problems. I can't take responsibility for his actions. I am honestly afraid by letting him go, that I will not find any better. I hope I am not being self centered by separating with him..

November 14, 2003
1:38 pm
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Lourdie
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MJ:

You are right, taking out time and actually thinking and doing things for myself is so hard.. I am use to doing this for others, not myself... I just am trying to take it one day at a time.. It's just so hard, b/c I want to call him up so bad...:(

Gingerleigh:

That was a GREAT analogy...
I know you are right.. I am just so scared that I won't find no one else.. That I will live my life alone.. I want to get rid of these feelings in my head and enjoy life with or with a man....

November 14, 2003
4:17 pm
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vegas
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Don't feel so bad that you're counting days...for me it'll be 100 days since I left my ex on 11/18. That's pretty bad, huh? But you and I are in the same boat. Just my ex went out and got married to some other woman only two months after I left...and even after that, I still wanted him. I still feel as if he's mine and I'm his. Only thing is you're a lot stronger than I am...cuz you realize that you need to love yourself first. My sense of being comes from loving this man...and I am having such an ordeal letting go. Not only that, you got out before things got bad. I gave three years to my ex...and I have nothing but this heartache to show for it.

Be strong, Lourdie. This site will help you out, not to be alone with your thoughts and pain.

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