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It's all so confusing
October 8, 2003
12:58 am
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jwt
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I don't seem to come here when everything is going well. It seems to be those down times that I look for a shoulder to lean on. Right now, I don't know if this is one of those down times. I just know that I am feeling confused with a lot of mixed and very strong emotions.

I have been a lot stronger during the past couple of months. I am seeing my relationships for what they really are rather than what I want them to be.

I am afraid that my daughter has slipped back into her problems. I know that she has stopped seeing the psychiatrist and is no longer taking medications. The bipolar problem seems to have her in its grip. I receive 40-minute telephone calls just to talk followed by weeks of silence. She doesn't even respond to repeated messages for her to call. Then, she will become angry because we will leave several messages. She says one message is enough because she will return it. Well, the only time we hear anything is when she needs something.

I keep looking at my marriage and thinking that there must have been reasons that I fell in love with this woman. I don't want to hurt her because she seems so vulnerable. This is nothing new, and when I think about it, it has been the way she has acted since I met her. She is very clinging. I'm sure that appealed to my need to be needed. But, I can see that it is just her way of manipulating me. She did the same thing to our daughter until our daughter couldn't take it any more.

My emotional attachment to Elvira is almost entirely gone. I can't even imagine how I ever felt the way I did about her. I still play along with her "I love yous" and her physical attention. But, it is out of habit and self-preservation on my part rather than any genuine affection. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that just won't let go no matter how phony it really is. I don’t understand that part of me because it doesn’t make sense.

Elvira has been having another BIG fight with her fiancee and has returned his ring for now. I wouldn't be surprised if she had it on again tomorrow. She seems perfectly satisfied with what we have right now. When she brings up the subject of our future, she says that she doesn't want to cause another divorce. I tell her that we are not going to be together anyway and that whatever happens to my marriage will happen regardless of her.

The biggest change in how I feel about Elvira is how I look at the future. I absolutely know that I don't want to be married to her. The longing and the hurt I used to feel don’t seem to be a problem for me any more. I feel so cold and detached where she is concerned. She hardly seems to notice. She is so wrapped up in herself and so confidant that she is in control of our relationship.

I am still working at the job search. I know I could work a lot harder at it. Part of me doesn't want to let Elvira run me away from this job. Part of me is growing very tired of working with her. And, I am convinced that I would be much happier without her in my life.

It's all so confusing.

October 13, 2003
7:49 pm
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jwt
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It seems that I may have worn out my welcome here.

Thanks for everything.

October 13, 2003
8:03 pm
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mj
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No Way....I always think you are welcome here....I personally did not know what to say....Don't feel like I don't care. I do.

How are you feeling today?

October 13, 2003
8:06 pm
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Molly
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I can't speak for others....
But I doubt any one wears out a welcome here.
All changes take time, and its like shoots and ladders, remember that game ? That is my best conclusion for my own feelings and process. Keep putting one foot infront of the other, that is the best that you can do. Some days we get tangled in our own feet, others we can run.
About your daughter, some of her behavior sounds so familiar to my own experience with thier attempts at balancing independence, and cutting the cords. Its a hard growth process for us parents. She will come around, have faith.
Elvira--- still in detox, typical feelings....
Wife--- you will decide what you want, when you want to.
Work, its hard to put energy into something like that, when you have so many other things that you allow to tug on your focus. Your human, go figure.
No magic,just my thoughts, sorry JWT.

October 14, 2003
1:25 am
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Zinnie
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Hi JWT,

Of course you are always welcome. Sometimes, folks are not on the boards for reasons of: family, dinner, napping, chasing crazy dogs around the house which is what I have been doing today.

I find one of your statements intersting regarding Elvira. "She does not want to cause another divorce." Good Golly... how many has she caused? What kind of woman is this. In her case? RUN!

Love,
Zinnie

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