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IT SUCKS - PISSED OFF
August 15, 2007
5:12 pm
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courage to change
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This is an absolute joke!!!!!!!!!

Ive always known the reality of my relationship with my family. I have chosen no contact with my father (alcoholic). Limited contact with my sister and mother And this arrangement keeps me healthy.

My mother brought my sister a flat. I have a morgage on my own flat. My sister pays no rent. Only bills. My father sucks my mother financially. I dont like what i see, but I keep my mouth shut.

My anger has come back up once again. Mum got an inheritance and very kindly gave me some vouchers for a shop. My sister gets to go abroad for the same sum of money. Is it a joke or what.

Im MAD. Not at my mum, but my sister, cause she normally makes the suggestions to my mother where money goes and to who.

Normally, the way I deal with all this is to let my family get on with their own life, and I detach and get on with mine.

Im not interested in how they live their life, or what they do. I love my mother, and do not resent her for what she chooses to do with her money. Im very ANGRY with my sister, it seems like she gets all the help financially that is required, whilst i struggle.

I have achieved much more in life than her, because I have had to do it for myself. However, my sister lives the life of LADY MUCK, because she does not have the same expenditure as me.

IT SUCKS, and everytime she contacts me, my anger comes back up. In the past I have tried communicating all this, but the whole family are just in denial. So i detach and just get on with my own life. I like my life, but wow do I have resentments to all the financial help my sister gets.

I understand why my mother helps my sister( 36 years old), she once tried to commit suicide!

I do not resent my mother whatsoever, but I have anger towards my sister.

What do I do? Am I doing the right thing by just detaching.

xxx

August 15, 2007
7:01 pm
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Rilin
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I have a friend that I grew up with that is like your sister, everything was bought for her.House car mommy handed her the atm card whenever she neede something else,and i was stuck with scraps b/c that is what i could afford. And I was just like Damn you know i work 2 jobs (at 17 yrs old)just to help support my family,(enter Codep)and she could just go about whatever. I'm doing better now, but I do not take for granted for what I was blessed with.

If it makes you so angry, detatch. I wouldn't see a problem(opinion) Love from a distance... a loooooong distance

August 15, 2007
10:05 pm
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fantas
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(((Courage))) I carried resentment towards one of my sisters for the longest time. She was very smart in school and mum let her get away with murder including allowing her to not finish her chores and giving them to me. It has affected our relationship of course but just this last week she asked me to tell her what she had done to offend me and I gave her a laundry list of things which she asked for forgiveness for. I find it's harder to detach with family cos they are so close to you even when you distance yourself they are still there. I finally started to admit just like you are doing that they did piss me off and I couldn't seem to snap out of it. Doing the twelve steps also helped me deal differently with family and think about them differently. Still, it was hard to completely let go.

All the best to ya..keep us posted.

August 16, 2007
2:30 am
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courage to change
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Godbless to you both and thanks.

I thought what I might do - is write my sister a letter, about how angry i feel that everytime she contacts me I feel resentful for the way, she seems to get treated better financially by my mother. I think the best thing for me at moment is NO CONTACT with her.

However, if I write this Im frightened that she will tell my mother. And I dont want my mother brought into my sister and my disputes. I love my mother very much and understand why she does what she does. My sister manipulates my mother, and holds most of her purse strings. And it seems to make her feel very powerful.

I do not want to cause unnecessary pain to my mother, cause she is doing her best and her heart is in the right place.

However, I do not want contact with my sister. This is very difficult, as she contacts me regarly, and lives very close by.

Do I write a letter and tell her I want NO CONTACT, or do I just detach.

All I know is she causes me emotional turmoil, and I dont want her in my life at the moment.

xxx

August 16, 2007
10:26 am
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fantas
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Courage,

I'd say detach for now since you are not sure what you should do with her. Then get some counselling around the issue and create a plan of action that will help talk to her and let her know how you really feel. She may not take the no contact it the way you want it and she even violate it in which case I'd say just tell her the truth.

There is no question she will tell your mom about it but this may not be a bad thing in the long run. She too might come to realize that she has been neglecting one child for one reason or another even if it is for a good reason. It could be a healing time for the whole family and the relationships might get better. If your mom is as loving as you say she is, she'd not feel right about the pain you are in right now.

keep us posted 🙂

August 16, 2007
1:13 pm
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courage to change
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Hi Fanta

Sending you a big HUG to say thank you very much for your support. xxx

I am just going to detach and get on with my own life. I think if I wrote the letter my sister may use victim mentality with my mum, and I may look like the baddy.

Anyhow, I am spending the day with my mum in two weeks, so I will have a good talk with my mother, about how I feel. Although, mum does know a lot about the situation, and why i distance myself from the family. She just accepts me. She is fab.

My sister, is another story - I find her incredibility manipulative, + on a powertrip. She enjoys being in control of my mums issues and finances. (I think she is frightened to let go)Both of them seem to need each other. I dont mind that.

I broke away from the family years ago, when I new there was no-one around to support me. So I stopped rescuing all the family members, and put all my energy into my life. The rewards have been amazing, but very painful. I have now got supportive friends, that are more supportive than my family.

But whenever I am in my sisters company, my anger comes up. Cause she tries to manipulate me. Its really strange, I think she is very jealous, and insecure of what I have achieved.

I feel for her, but I cannot do life skills for her. I guess Ive learnt the hard way, and she has always been financially supported. Which I guess stops her from having to learn how to get financial security.

Anyway, its very sad, but I know in reality detachment works, and I can be supportive of them all from a distance, without getting involved emotionally. Cause it just hurts too much.

I think the ANGER I feel has taught me, to refocus on my life, and not get drawn into family politics. So it has been a very positive feeling for me. Its driven me to get to where I am today.

Im still very happy to be at a distance, cause really my life is very good, as long as i dont get too involved with my family too much.

Thank you fanta, so much for listening. I find you very supportive on these boards.

Godbless xxx

August 16, 2007
1:27 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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First of all - been in your shoes.

second - you mention that you don't want your mom brought into this.

HOWEVER - it's not your sister that is hurting you - it's YOUR MOM.

It is your MOM's actions that are causing the resentment.

Your sister can't do a thing about it....well, she could stop accepting mom's help - but doubt that is going to change.

In the end, it's your mother that is giving your sister the preferential treatment - so it's your mom you SHOULD have issue with.

My brother is the "golden child". I lived MANY years with anger and resentment from him receiving all the high praise (even when he was in jail), for him getting all the financial favors, for him getting all the freedoms.

But in the end - it wasn't really his fault...yes, he milked my parents for what it was worth - but in the end, it was THEIR decision to give in to him....and to refuse/deny me.

It wasn't his fault they denied me, or treated me badly - it was my parents.

I talked with my brother about this - now that many years have gone by and we are older and wiser...and he said that he felt **I** had it better - cuz he felt all the stuff they did to me - by having rules, curfews and restrictions - showed they CARED about me...and by letting him get away with murder - he felt they didn't care...and no matter what they did - they wouldn't care.

So, it's weird to hear his side of things - he felt neglected - which is why he DID act the way he did.

We both had very different perspectives.

In the end - it's your mom that is causing the resentment - not your sister.

If you aren't ready to talk to mom about this - then best to just detach and avoid the situation as much as possible.

August 16, 2007
1:28 pm
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_anonymous
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You are hurt. I can understand why. You equate your moms gifts with love. It is her money and she can do as she pleases. Material things and emotions are 2 seperate issues. The sick one always gets the most attention. Cause the strong ones seem like they dont need it. Just be thankful that you can do on your own. I love my kids all the same. All in different ways. All their needs are different. They need different things at different times. Once the kids reach the legal age giving is an option not an obligation. A healthier thing is for a kid to say what can I do for my parent? What can I do to help my parent take care of what is important to them which is your sister right now. Or it may be even healthier to detach, work on yourself.

August 16, 2007
1:48 pm
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cailindeas
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I think your family if it is anything like mine is doing what it always does and will probably not change. You on the other hand are changing and are therefore out of the dysfunctional club you have been in since you were a kid. You have something your sister doesn't, which is financial independence from your mother (and guys too). What dysfunctional family rules does your sister obey to have money lavished on her? How does she compromise herself to win such approval? Not worth it really is it
;-)Well done to you for paying your own way in the world!!! Keep it up.

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