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It should have been me.
March 30, 2007
7:07 pm
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justonce
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Thirty years ago my best friend and I were picked up by a couple of girls. We went with them to their house. My friend went into the bedroom with one of the girls and started to make love. The girl I was with did'nt want to do anything. I got angry and said that I wanted her to take me home. My friend heard us leaving and said he would go with us. When we got to her car I was still angry so I got in the back seat and my friend got in front with her. On the way home we were struck head on by a drunk driver. They were both killed.
I know that I'm not to blame but I always wonder what their lives might have been like. My inner voice tells me that my life has been a waste and that it should have been me. Sometimes the lights on the highway seem to call to me.

March 30, 2007
9:13 pm
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gracenotes
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justonce,

I am so sorry that you had this experience. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in an accident where two people were killed. How old were you when this happened?

I suppose its easy for someone else to say that this was not your fault, but I wonder if you believe this. I can imagine others have told you that before.

When has this done to you? Do you feel bad a lot of the time about this? Do you feel suicidal a lot? Is driving a horrible experience?

There was someone who posted on her a few months ago who felt very responsible for someone's death, and he talked about how this affected him -- The title of the thread was I Killed Mr. Johnson. He felt responsible for the deaht of someone when he was a kid, something that he could not control, he didn't really kill anyone, but he felt that way, just are you had no control over the drunk driver but seem to feel this was your fault. Maybe you could identify with something he wrote there. I haven't seen him here, he just did one thread, but he did end up going to therapy to talk about this and the therapy was really helping him.

March 30, 2007
9:17 pm
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gracenotes
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Darn thse typos. My computer screen is being bathed by sunlight right now, hard to see.

March 30, 2007
9:39 pm
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truthBtold
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justonce,

GOD......30 years of guilt!!!!!!

You didn't plan that to happen.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!

I repeat: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

I know that this might seem a little crazy or "new-age-ie" but have you considered maybe contacting a reputable psychic to finally comes to some peace and closure with this?

There are a few psychics that seem to me to be really reputable - like James Van Praugh or the guy who had the TV show "Crossing Over with (John?) Edwards.

I think that after 30 YEARS of grief - that you might FINALLY find the releif that you need.

I know that most people "pooh-pooh" the idea of contacting psychics - and I am sure that there are alot of of them out there whom are NOT genuine.....but I also feel that there ARE some out there who ARE genuine and can maybe give you the peace and closure that you so desperately need after 30 years!!!!

It WAS an ACCIDENT!!!!!

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT HERE!!!!!!!

It must have taken alot of courage for you to talk about this after so many years. Please don't blame yourself sweetie.

We are here to listen to more if you'd like to share.

(((((HUGS JUSTONCE))))))))

March 30, 2007
9:50 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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justonce,
you don't control the world, drunk drivers or even your friends. Terrible things happen and you are not at fault. You may not be doing wonderful things everyday or building great bridges or stuff but you are alive and you make good things happen in peoples lives whether you know it or not.

March 30, 2007
10:01 pm
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truthBtold
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justonce,

There is a movie entitled: "Ordinary People" with Mary Tyler Moore & I think Keifer Sutherland (?) directed by Robert Redford back in the 70's (or 80's) that is kind of along these lines.

You may want to check it out.

March 30, 2007
10:20 pm
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penny lane
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JustOnce.....(((((Hugs)))) for you..that tragedy was unforseen and perhaps...timely.. The two young people killed in the accident..was no fault of yours or theirs...when our time comes we heed the call...but when tragedy takes us..it is confusing and puzzling for the people left behind...why them not me...all the questions with no answers...we try to believe their is the grand scheme or plan of things...but I believe sometimes...it is just an accident of nature ...and your life would be the same today had that not happened...nothing more is expected of you in life because of that incident ...no profound purpose because of it...for you....

Have you ever kept a diary of your feelings about this?

March 31, 2007
3:59 am
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justonce
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I know that this was not my fault but still, because I was angry about not getting laid, these two people lost their lives. I've been in counceling for years but I can't let go of this guilt. I feel that I should have made more of the life that I have. Those two people could have been so much more than what I've become.

March 31, 2007
5:35 am
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so alone
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dear justonce i am gald u shared this thign with us but .. u should realize while reading these all replies that it was not ur fault whatever happnes in ur life is always do to soem reason we shoudl thank god that he saved u atleast u shoudl pray for ur friend soul and there is no point of being guilty about it as as almost everyone knws even God hinself kwns it was not ur falut ..so carry on with ur life and be happy always MAY Gog bless u

March 31, 2007
8:25 am
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taj64
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You are connecting one thing with another. There is no way to blame one on the other. These things happen becuase that is the way the world is, things that are not under our control. That drunk driver killed those people. He is probably going through the same emotions as you are today...the what ifs. At the time, you were young and being a guy and most guys do this because guys compete with each other...that is what they do. And they as you say get laid. That is what guys do is get laid. It certainly is sad that your friend was killed and his life was cut short, but again NOT YOUR FAULT. What you need to do is make your life better if it is not going so well. It is not because of the accident, it is because you have not developed your self esteem and you just don't think you are good enough when you are. Life is never a waste unless you want it to be a waste. There is a good book for you that might help. Journey from Abandonment to Healing that will help you by Susan Anderson. I think I bought it off Ebay for less than $10. I think you must feel you abandoned your friend and therefore you have abandoned yourself. Your friend did not survive but you did and you must move on and free yourself from guilt. You cannot do anything with guilt except get depressed. Guilt is a useless emotion. So is shame. Im glad you came on the site to pick up the pieces. Blaming yourself this way is no good and you should not have to carry this burden alone. All of us have things in life that we wish could change, things out of our control but we must learn to live with them and be at peace with it. Good luck.

March 31, 2007
1:21 pm
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penny lane
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JustOnce....We have all here given you our sincere thoughts on this sad subject...but I am going to get tough here for a moment... I have never experienced what you have been through..I have not walked in your shoes but what I do know after living quite awhile on this earth that life is shortlived...and for you to carry this with you still leads me to think that you havent dealt with it completely..possibly for reasons only known to you...perhaps it has been a crutch for you or a reason to hide behind when life gets tough and expects things from you...all I know is you must move on and LIVE LIFE...do you want to have regrets on your death bed of things not accomplished because you have ALLOWED this thing to stand in the way?

March 31, 2007
3:56 pm
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free
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"I know that this was not my fault but still, because I was angry about not getting laid, these two people lost their lives"

No. You are mistaken. Because a person chose to drink and drive, these two people lost their lives. it happens every 22 minutes in the state of California. The person at fault for these deaths is the person who chose to drive intoxicated.

There are numerous people who feel the way you do, and you are all mistaken. here are possible people: the friends who changed their plans and consequently the girls changed theirs, the parents who cancelled dinner and consequently the girls went out, the boyfriend who was cheating on one of the girls and consequently made them available for you to pick up, the bartender who let that drunk driver leave without a taxi, the friend or acqaintance of the drunk driver who didn't take the keys, the entire family and friends of the drunk driver, and the dead girls, who somehow could have changed the events of that evening had they done something different.

You all carry misplaced guilt.

The person responsible for the tragic deaths of these two girls is the person who chose to drive intoxicated.

Not you. Not them.

The drunk driver.

Every 22 minutes in just the state of California.

((just once))

free

March 31, 2007
4:16 pm
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Robert123
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"I know that this was not my fault but still, because I was angry about not getting laid, these two people lost their lives" justonce I don't believe you are that powerful...sorry.

"I feel that I should have made more of the life that I have. Those two people could have been so much more than what I've become."
Kind of hard to prove isn't it?

March 31, 2007
5:56 pm
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justonce
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Thank you all. I know all the things that you kind people have told me are truly from your hearts. Now I've got to make a place inside for these things push out the thirty years of guilt.

March 31, 2007
6:27 pm
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Robert123
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Justonce it was thirty years of a lie...not guilt.
Its time for a new begining. Be good to yourself.

April 6, 2007
1:22 am
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How's it going on this?

I was thinking. these two girls died in this accident and you blame yourself. So, s'pose y'all weren't on the road that night.

The drunk driver would still have been.

Maybe a school bus coming back from a sports trip would have been hit.

a car with somebody's babies in it.

Somebody's daddy.

Mommy.

Sister.

Brother.

ya know?

somebody on that road was gonna get it.

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it wasn't foreseeable.

just thinking about you. Thirty years is a a long time to carry this.

How does one let this go?

hugs

free

April 6, 2007
3:40 pm
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Anonymous
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I´m quoting something I wanted to elaborate on.

" I know that this was not my fault but still, because I was angry about not getting laid, these two people lost their lives. I've been in counceling for years but I can't let go of this guilt. I feel that I should have made more of the life that I have. Those two people could have been so much more than what I've become. "

If you can get to therapy and express yourself as you did here, you probably addressed what I´m commenting on but not totally effectively. Choosing the therapy and therapist well, I think you´ll make much progress in getting rid of the guilt and have more trust in yourself. Remember the truth is liberating. You´ll know it. And work on accepting who you are as a whole. Sometimes I think not even HP is happy with his/her creations. As said in a movie, "Why would s/he make the avocado´s seed so big?

So maybe you think you´re not allowed to get angry?! If you´ve been thinking and acting along those lines, you´re a time bomb ready to explode. I wonder whether this anger was all there before the accident? Can you spot something like: I hate it that I had to go out with my friend, I hate it that the girl pressed me to do something, I hate it that I rained on the parade, I hate it that I didnt have a car. Some of these thoughts are very codependent. We put others ahead of us, don´t want to argue, don´t trust ourselves, want everything to happen 100% and perfectly... If you find out you have a codep profile, I´d recommend the book Codependent no more cuz every codep raves about it.

About calls, try to answer your call here on earth as much and as well as you can, since you weren´t called by HP in the accident. Do it for your body, mind, soul, and finally you´ll be doing it for yourself. The only call for you to answer is the one yoú get from HP.

Tks for sharing, Justonce.

Choose to live well and happy!

Sininho

April 6, 2007
3:58 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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maybe there is a reason you were spared.

maybe you have a purpose for being here on earth...a higher calling perhaps.

perhaps you need to focus on the fact that you WERE given a second chance...that you were given the chance to live...to be thankful for it and live it to the best of your ability.

you cheated death...why spend your lifetime digging yourself a grave that you aren't ready to lay in?

celebrate life...celebrate for them...live what they can't...for them...they can't be here, but you can...celebrate their life and contribution and give back to the "universe" by being the best you can be.

You were given a chance for a reason...you may not ever know the reason...but don't throw it away. See it as an opportunity.

I am sorry they passed away...death of a young person is so sad, as they never got to live a full life. But it happens, and I believe there is some greater reason for all of it.

As someone else said - someone was going to die that night...drunk drivers kill all the time. It was just a wrong place at the wrong time for your friends. And a crap shoot about who sat where. Perhaps EVEN IF you sat up front, you would have been spared....perhaps you didn't wear a seatbelt and were ejected to safety...or you did wear one and the other persons who didn't were killed, perhaps he would have hit the other side of the car and spared you.

I try to believe that there is a reason for everything...and perhaps it just wasn't the time for your time to come to end.

Make your survival worthwhile. Make a difference.

Perhaps you can speak at a drunk driving course or at a high school...teach others and hopefully keep them off the road. If you make a difference in one person's life, it will make a difference for you I bet.

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