Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
It scares me!
October 31, 2002
3:54 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Perfect for Halloween:

You know? This stuff just comes from out of the blue... now there's another woman who threatens me. She's a mom at the same school of my boyfriend's son. She is beautiful, clear skin, big boobs, always smiling and friendly. I have always felt threatened by her presence. I'm pretty, but my skin always has some kind of problem. I have average sized breasts, perhaps on the smallish side. I'm sort of shy sometimes, and certainly don't go around smiling and making direct eye contact all the time. So, I see in this woman things I'd like to be like.

Often times, my boyfriend will do stuff with his son's class - because he doesn't work during the day. She does too, and it scares the crap out of me. I'm feeling scared right now. How quickly those earlier feelingsdisentegrated.

He says he thinks she's pretty, but is the cheerleader type and he's not attracted to her. Why can't my feelings believe this? I wish my mind had control over the situation and could talk logic to my heart!! Still, I go on feeling this paranoia about him and her.

There's this scenario I try not to see, but here it is: They are both away from their respective significant other; they are maybe put out or bored with them; they are having fun with the children; maybe they're both a little lacking in the sex dept.; suppose their vibes talk to each other and they decide to meet secretly during the day somewhere to have sex? Just for fun?

I see her as the perfect lure for him. He's a nice guy, a trustworthy guy. But I think she could lure him. She has everything I'd like to have.

What the heck is wrong with this picture???

October 31, 2002
4:23 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I understand your feelings, Artist 2.
Its pretty normal to occasionally feel threatend by someone else, another woman especially if she is attractive or desirable in some other way, in terms of personality, brains, material possessions and so forth.

But don't go jumping to too many conclusions, lady!! It sounds like you have seen this woman a few times and your have already conjoured up all of these wild scenarios between your boyfriend and the woman. Whoa!! slow down get back to reality!

I did this quite a few years back when my husband had this really beautiful secretary. Boy did my mind start going into overdrive with the same kinda stuff! Started alot of childish arguments with him for nothing.

This secretary was not the problem, I was the one with the problem. Until, I was 17, I was this tall, skinny girl who could get a guy to look at her crossways and even though I was no longer this ugly duckling, I still saw myself this way.

Its normal to feel jealousy or envy occasionally. If you have these feelings more than occasionally you need to dig a little deeper as to why this is the case.

In the mean time when you start having wild thoughts or images of this woman and your boyfriend hooking up,consciously stop these thought and think of something else, anything else!

October 31, 2002
4:41 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks!

Maybe it would help to share my childhood self image. I'm the youngest, and always tagged along with my eldest siblings. At least that's what I remember. Not always being wanted, but tolerated just the same. They couldn't bear to be mean to me. Would also hang out with my dad - he was always off doing something to avoid my mother. He'd go into his shop and do woodworking. I loved escaping her tirades too. She was kind of out of control with her emotions and it was scary to be around.

My self image at it's worse is that of a tag-along, merely tolerated and not necessarily wanted. Not chosen. Remember those kick-ball games when you had to stand there only to be looked over? They sucked!

I feel reassured though that this man wants me around. At least that's what he always tells me. I guess I have to believe him. I wish I could see through to the woman he once desired, the one I was before getting to know him. I'm pretty sure I presented myself as confident and self assured and probably felt that way.

There's some people out there who do this: get emotionally involved, let their guard down and then get really scared. It's so much easier to just keep things on the surface. But it's nearly impossible if you want an authentic relationship. So, I'm at the stage of being authentic, but scared to death he won't like what he sees! It's different from the independent woman he first met! I have such a tender ego and extreme feelings. I get really scared that he won't like being around it for much longer.

Course, on the other hand, I'm more passionate and relaxed than a lot of people. I'm more open minded and liberal thinking. I'm more loving and accepting of others because I know how screwed up I really am!

So, what can ya say?

October 31, 2002
4:56 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can say, you're beautiful and wonderful and should be up front about yourself. I am so sympathizing with you artist, you discribed me up there in your post just now!

I'll admit - when my roommate (a girl) first moved in with us, I had a nightmare that I came home and found beer bottles all over my house and her with my husband in flagrante delicto (red-handed, caught having intercourse).

My insecurity was about my husband's self-esteem and the "what if a hot woman comes on to him while his guard is down?" scenario. I was sure that if a super-hot woman came on to him, he would stray. But really, when you think about it, it's something that is totally out of your control, so there's no use worrying about it anyway.

I would love to find a method to become completely and totally comfortable and secure with myself, my own level of attractiveness, and my relationship with my husband. Heck, I even thought marriage would solve that. But it didn't, and I was left with the fact that I simply cannot find that magic formula.

I guess it's about coming to terms within yourself. Like, learning to look at yourself honestly and acceptingly. Once you get to that point within yourself, maybe it will be easier to be confident in yourself and just accept that some things are out of your control.

October 31, 2002
5:10 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ah, thank you sister. It's helps knowing you know what it feels like! I probably need to take a good look in the mirror and say yes, that is a pimple isn't it? But, aren't you a sweet and loving person too?

I'll think about your post and probably keep the words on my computer. I hope I can leave these fears here as well, and not bring them home with me...!!! Here's to prayers, crossing fingers, sage burning, and spell casting.

Thanks again. A million!

October 31, 2002
5:56 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can really relate to you both!! Wow, there is no magic formula for self-esteem especially in the feeling good about your looks catagory. I'm at my best at 30. I was a friggin' mess from 12-29. Ironically, this was when I was at my most attractive at least according to our youth obsessed culture!

I can say, for I have learned that is is rather unwise to compare myself to others. We women do this like crazy. Someone always has something that we don't have, or at least in our distorted thoughts.

Beauty is one of the most subjective things known to man. I have had people tell me that I could be a model and I have overheard people saying that they don't think that I am the least bit attractive, at my own bridal shower no less, NICE!! Yet is was a learning experience!

So, the craziness and the distortions are not worth wasting any more of my precious time or energy!

For alot of women, beauty is power. I'd like to draw my power from a more reliable less, subjective and more lasting source.

Sure, I too, can be subject to moments of envy in this department but life is too short!

October 31, 2002
6:10 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You know, I see this as a theme, with women who have poor relationships with their mothers. I can tell you the moment that I knew that I was in trouble in terms of being even ok with how I looked.

I was 12 and really skinny, flat chested and I had freckles and wore clothes that my mom sewed. My two best friends were extremely pretty blondes. I would go to the mall with them and 16 and 17 year old guys would follow them around routinely while nobody paid any attention to me whatsoever.

One night, I broke down crying telling my mom how I did not feel special and that I felt that I was not as good as these girls.

My mom's way of handling this was to cry and tell me that the same thing happened to her. I felt like I was consoling her instead of the other way round. It was a very odd, inappropriate feeling and I recognized this at twelve.

I just knew from that moment that I was gonna be on my own, in terms of alot of stuff from that time on. In fact I was.

I wish I could hug and console that little, shy wounded girl that I was.

November 1, 2002
1:46 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been thinking about this since last night. Heavy stuff, I think. The self-esteem issue.

I was talking about this with one of my friends and I think that no woman who looks in the mirror really sees what she looks like. Because of hang ups, society, whatever - you look in the mirror and see your idea of yourself. You can't be unbiased because you've seen that picture of your face a million times, in many different states and throughout your years of growing up.

I used to walk with my head down because I thought I was ugly in high school, not just unattractive but horribly disfigured. I never realized that I was pretty until I got to college and got away from my Mom. She always told me I had a "big fat tomato nose" - which is stupid because I have HER nose and she's asian, so her nose is tiny and cute. But to this day I still think reflexively about my nose, when I smile, when I frown. Ugh.

And I had bad skin in high school and early college. Now it's fine, but I still feel insecure and unhappy about it. I have all these products and creams and stuff, but my skin looks fine in picture - when I look in the mirror, it looks awful. WTF?

November 1, 2002
3:23 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Very heavy stuff, you know I left the board with some extra weight attached to my heart. Has kinda put me into a funk to tell the truth! I haven't ever talked to anyone about the stuff with my mom with exception to my husband.

I just wonder if my mom had handled my issues as a 12 year old more effectively if I would have suffered the way that I did with my looks and with my self-esteem in general??

You know, we are not the only ones with distortions in terms of our looks. I have found myself in the company/in relationships with men and women who have distortions about themselves/their looks. UGHH!
The type of people who are constantly sizing people up by their physical appearance. Ya know, the really insecure type of person who can only feel good by putting others down. They get off and base their survival on devaluing others in general. Never really left grade school mentality.

I have never been a person who never knew how to handle these idiots and ironically I have often found myself in the presence or even in relationships with them!! Says something 'bout me I suppose. No doubt.

Nowdays, I run from these folks unless I can't, relatives. And when this is the case I keep and emotional distance.

November 4, 2002
1:48 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah, it must be our relationship to our moms. Once when I was young I asked my mom if I was beautiful. She says well, you're pretty, but not altogether gorgeous!

I mean - what an idiot! Couldn't she tell i was just trying to figure out what it all meant? She was really irresponsible, I realize that now.

Side note: she also horned in on my relationships talking about me to my boyfriends. What a scary woman she could be. And troubled too!

November 4, 2002
1:59 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry Artist 2 that your mother said these kind of thoughtless, stupid and irresponsible things to you and sorry that she would behave in an inappropriate, sick way!!

Like how good is her insight and jugement, not too hot in my book! Hope that you now see these things for what they are lies distortions and see that these lies and distortions motivated her unkind acts.

Karoline

November 4, 2002
2:07 pm
Avatar
karoline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Artist 2, your mom probably grew up in a family where people were judged by their looks a textbook sign of low self-esteem and insecurity.

People that do this, feel that if they associate with beautiful people and say wealthy people this will reflect positively on them because deep down they find themselves unlovable, ugly and worthless.

They don't think that they can stand alone on their own merit because of their self-loathing.

Another thing that causes a person to obsess or overemphasize the importance of the physical appearance of themselves or others is if they have had a period in their childhood where they were made fun of or teased because of a physical characteristic.

They are on a mad search to validate themselves as physically attractive as adults so they are constantly sizing up others and comparing themselves to others. More classic signs of low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.

Deep down all narcisstic personalities hate themselves and feel inferior.

November 4, 2002
2:27 pm
Avatar
artist 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

right on karoline! You have tons of insight!

November 5, 2002
8:17 am
Avatar
BeccaUK
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

when i was younger, my mum always said that my sister was the beautiful one and i was the clever one....like it balanced out to trash your daughters emotions that way 🙁

Becca xx

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
46
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer