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It really annoys me that I cant get past this for some reason.
October 11, 2008
10:28 pm
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My Dad died when I was 13. Ok sure people lose their Dads even earlier than that. It bugs me though. It bugs me how it went down and continues to go down. I knew he was going to die. I did. He told me before it happened. He sat down and had dinner with me and told me that he wanted to stop drinking and doing drugs. He tried for my birthday. He failed, but he tried. I knew this.

It bugs me that the last thing I have of him as far as a memory is when he hung up on me. He hung up bc my mom wouldnt let me go there for fathers day. We had people over for my Grandpa. Ok well ok. What could I do?

It bugs me when I see what I missed. I didnt talk so much to him. We had our times sure, but more not so good times. The drunk and high times. It bugs me that I didnt get to have more good times. I mean I learned about mechanics and electricity from him. Not enough.

It bugs me that I didnt see him when he was in the hospital. I was told it wouldnt be good. Hell I didnt want to deal with it. I did my best to ignore it. Pretend it wasnt happening. Hard to do when people are dumping reality at you all the time. You know questions like, do you want us to shut off the machines? Can I have this? Stupid stuff. He wasnt even dead when they started telling me all they wanted of his stuff. It bugs me. It does and still does. Flares up every once in a while.

It drives me crazy that I didnt get to be a kid. I was 13 when it happened. I wanted my Dad. No one got that. It bugs me I wasnt able to break it down. Never cried infront of anyone. Only time I cried was when I first found out. My dog was soaked in tears. That is all who knew. At the service I must have tied and untied my shoes a million times, and ate a bag and a half of jolly ranchers. See you put them in your jaw and squeeze, no tears. Or when the jolly ranchers ran out there was gum, lots of gum.

It bugs me I hate Christmas and July 4 the holiday, not the meaning of July 4. It bugs me that I couldnt save him. I mean I see these people so happy with their Dads, I wish I could have one of those memories as the last memory. Not the ones where I would go by his house and he would be there but not answer my calls.

There are times I want to explode because a trigger gets me. The only time I let anything out was when my aunt after she lost her daughter told me she knew I didnt want to be there. It bugs me that kids die before parents. I mean my poor aunt lost her amazing child and my Grandma lost her kid. It isnt how it is suppose to go. I am scared to death that if I have a kid well the worst will happen. I do not want to think that way, but I cannot help it.

Ii want to be able to go to canoe camp and have fun. That was where we spread his ashes. Not that the time I had there with him was good before. That was a bloody night. His friend and him were drunk riding dirt bikes at night with no helmets. It was not pretty to see all the blood. Or to have to sit between them both to go to the hospital for their stupidity. Or see a woman get thrown in the fire before the 2 bloody dudes came back.

It bugs me that I hold it in when my grandma lets it out. I mean she lets it out bad. I know it sucks losing a kid. I can only imagine. It makes me mad hearing about it all the time. I cannot bring myself to break down out loud. i break inside a lot. Stupid stuff really. Not being able to walk right now is driving me crazy. I ran to escape from it.

I want to be done with it. Done with the memory of it all. Done with the hurt and anger inside. I want to be done with the lack of guidance in lifethat only a Dad can give.

Hell it bugs me that I cried more about my dog then my dad. But in the same instance it doesnt. I use to cry on her when he would make me mad. I wet her fur with tears after I found out he was gone along with after the service. I cried every day when I realized I had to put my dog down. It was making that decision again. Every day for a year I cried about letting her go. Sure people are around, but none like she was. But to shed more tears over a dog does not seem right.

It just bugs me that I cannot seem to get past it in both instances. I mean Jessicas dad is awesome, but thats the thing he is her dad. He helps and we do stuff that a father and son do. It just bugs me that I want to be done with the bad but cannot seem to get past it. Whenever Christmas stuff starts appearing so basically in June it goes down hill. The fact that he died in July doesnt help either. But it bugs me with how people are at Christmas. It is more commercial then I remember as a kid. I do not think I ever said I want this this that this and that. It was always lets get a toy for tots.

Sure others shouldnt bug me in their greedyness but it adds up. Having my grandma push pictures of my dad on me is driving me crazy. I know she is old and it should be forgiving but I want to scream. I want to scream so bad right now. I have no independence and it is getting to me.

I think more since I can. I cant go for a run, I cant go for a jog hell I cannot even cook for myself and standing is a chore that hurts.

I mean I am happy in a way. It is nice to be with Jessica. It is well I am not myself. I cannot do what I want to do. Hell I want to break down because of this predicament I am in. I know there are people worse off then me and that causes me to stop. Hell I will feel bad about this thread too. I know some of yall have it worse. But to be selfish about it I want to be able to break down with those I care about and not worry about what is thought about me.

October 12, 2008
11:42 pm
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lotsoflove
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i wish i had a father too. my father simply is not meant to be a father. and i think it's very right to cry blindingly for pets. pets are very special and give people a lot of comfort and connection. i wish your dad was around as well.

the throwing a woman into the fire bit during the dirt bike section definitely raised my eyebrow. what did that mean?

October 13, 2008
12:00 am
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Fathers are very important. I think it scares me that the memories I have although some are good a lot arent. I do not want to do the things he did to me to my kids. Mainly I do no want to leave them too early.

Well with the camping trip they went riding. As in my dad and 2 of his friends. One was on my little bike the other on a 425 and my dad on his 490. The 425 guy went back up the hill and hit my dad. The dude riding my bike threw his wife in the fire when he got back to share the news of the accident. The dude throwing his wife in the fire was drinking brandy I believe. My dad came back to get the truck and so he could pick up the moron who hit him.

Stupid things like that bug me. Sure they are petty things. I admit it. It has been 8 years and some change since my dad died. Time to get past it I guess. I was having a bad day yesterday. Just frustrated.

Whats your story lotsoflove?

October 13, 2008
12:27 am
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chelonia mydas
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Billy,

My dad died 16 years ago and I still cry over it sometimes. He and I were best friends. He was an alcoholic and I was his care taker. I'm just now coming to grips with the truth of the relationship.

I often cry more for my pets than I do for people. They are better than most people because they give unconditional love in a world full of conditions. When we loose that unconditional love, it is worth crying for.

There is nothing wrong with crying, sometimes when you hold it in it can fester and turn into resentment and bitterness. Not saying you have to cry all the time, but when you feel the need, let it out. Crying helps you release pent up emotions.

There is a book titled "Getting Unstuck" by Pema Chodron that has helped me when I have had trouble getting over things. Another one by her is called "When things fall apart" and it is another one to read when facing a tough time.

Sending you calming and comforting thoughts, Chelonia

October 13, 2008
1:05 am
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It is just odd to think about it. You miss out on certain things. My Dad was also an alcoholic to the point of drinking fifths throughout the day.

Yea pets are unconditional. well my other dog was. The current dog I have, well she doesnt forget anything.

I am not a crier, thankfully. I was frustrated when I made this thread. I just want to be able to run again, or walk really. That is my outlet.

Doing all these things with my friends dad just brings up stuff. He is like a dad when it comes down to it, I just want mine. Granted he has stuff straight and is successful, but it is not the same. Since really with my friends dad some stuff is off limits.

I feel a bit less frustrated today. Sometimes it takes writing it out for it to go away.

October 13, 2008
1:19 am
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chelonia mydas
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I'm glad to hear you are feeling better today.

Don't miss out on the good times with your friend's dad just because it isn't yours. How do you know that your Dad isn't there in spirit, somehow giving you what he always wanted to through your friend's Dad?

There have been many people in my life since my father's death that have triggered longings and memories of him. I choose to look at it as a time when he is there in spirit, continuing to participate in my life through this person. Not that the other person is ever aware of this, but just something I think of and keep to myself. It often brings me comfort in a situation that might otherwise lead to sadness.

October 13, 2008
1:25 am
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Her Dad is awesome. We have gone on camping trips and fishing trips. He went with us to sell my truck too.

How long have you been on the site? I have seen you around just not very much.

October 13, 2008
1:29 am
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chelonia mydas
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I first came here when my marriage fell apart over 2 years ago. AAC folks supported me through a difficult divorce and now I stay because I like it here. I can usually be found on the Coffeehouse thread.

October 13, 2008
1:35 am
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Well I am sorry to hear about your marriage. It is a nice bunch of threads for the most part. I have noticed a lot of sorry to say childish behavior as far as so and so said this and that and blah blah blah. But other then that seems like a nice place.

October 13, 2008
1:45 am
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Not that I have seen it much. I mean it is bound to happen, but still.

I know I have learned a lot. It seems because of the lack of my Dad that I missed some lessons. Plus it is nice to get women's points of views on things. Especially considering women are a bit confusing. Always nice to get help in that department with it.

October 13, 2008
2:22 am
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chelonia mydas
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Sometimes dealing with the childish behavior of others can open our eyes to our own areas that need improvement. It can also help us gain and strengthen our abilities in dealing with those kinds of situations.

Life is full of folks that have issues and many of them act in childish and confusing ways. This is an excellent resource for working through issues of all kinds and learning to be supportive of others who are also working through their issues.

Most of the spats I've seen here have been a learning opportunity for all involved, even those of us just reading. If nothing else, we learn that we have grown beyond involvement in that issue. If they get too out of hand, then the SC usually steps in.

I believe that we never miss out on learning an important life lesson. Life has a way of giving us the lessons we need. If we pass up the opportunity to learn from it then, it will give it to us again. Maybe with different people and circumstances, but the lessons behind it are still there. They will continue to come up, until we learn what we need to know from them.

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