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It could have turned out very differently, I got another chance
October 9, 2009
11:47 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I think I need a sympathetic ear. I have been under a lot of pressure at work and in community activities lately. A lot of overtime, and I am definitely overextended. I'm tired, not sleeping great, and drained... quick to anger too, which is weird for me. I recognize that it's got to be physiological, just based on the stress, what I've been eating (or rather not eating), my sleeping patterns, etc. I'm just left shaken, same way I would be had I avoided a horrible car accident. Everything is OK, but it really shook me up, this outburst from seemingly nowhere.

So here's what happened.

Last night, I was driving back home, after 10PM, having worked 10 hours and then gone to a volunteer event for another 3 hours. I was just exhausted. I was almost home, and I drove past these two skateboarders that were being jackasses, taking up the entire roadway, weaving back and forth, and making me drive slowly behind them. I stopped at the stoplight, and they just blew right through it, not caring about the laws.

I was SO ANGRY! I had to put up with their bullshit antics, AND sit at the stoplight while they just got to go merrily through. (These jerks were in their mid to late twenties, not kids. Just to clarify.)

They continued on down the road. I raged and decided to teach them a lesson. I buzzed them, basically came within an inch of each of them at about 30 miles per hour. I could have killed them. I was well within my lane, but for me to have kept a safe distance would have required me to weave into the opposite lane. I certainly could have gone into the opposite lane, since it was late and there was no oncoming traffic. But I chose NOT to. They yelled as I flew by, obviously frightened but more angry than apologetic. This pissed me off even more, the fact that they felt that they were somehow within their rights to do what they were doing and that I was violating their boundaries.

I felt awful about doing it, still do, but still feel so angry about their sense of entitlement. I really wanted to TEACH THEM A LESSON, get even, and tell them that it's NOT OK TO BE SELFISH JERKS. But that was not adult or mature behavior on my part, and I just feel disgusted by my lack of self control.

I could have killed them. I could be in jail right now for what, murder? Would it have been an accident? I certainly didn't want to hurt them, but I wanted to get even, because I work so hard and always do the right thing, and they aren't playing by the rules. The stoplight thing pissed me off so much because just last month I got a ticket from a cop for... jaywalking (and I was in a crosswalk, just crossed before the light changed)!!!! Seriously!!! So I feel this massive sense of unfairness because I have to play by the rules, but these punks don't have to.

It's not about them, right? They may be lowlife idiots, but who cares? Why would I stoop to that level?

I guess I've been given another chance, since nothing bad happened, and I can make better choices in the future, but as I'm trying to be assertive and confident, I feel like I will second guess myself that much more.

Sorry for the ramble. Any insights?

October 10, 2009
12:14 am
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CraigCo
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Oboto,

I think you nailed it with your description of them acting out of self entitlement. It's natural to be annoyed by that kind of behaviour especially under the circumstances(you being emotionally & physically spent). You've had time to reflect & see the error of your reaction. You've realized that you were lowering yourself to their level & that you were somewhat fortunate in that nothing serious came out of it. So, lesson learned, right? You'll be that mch wiser then next time something like this occurs. Maybe wait until you get home & take your anger out on a pillow, with a friend or here at aac? lol

Meanwhile, I wouldn't beat myself up about it too much now, if I were you. Live & learn, ya know?

Crg

October 10, 2009
11:06 am
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atalose
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Only,

I can only share my own personal experiences and it goes like this:

When I used to be “manager of the world”, “keeper of the roadways”, “supervisor of the grocery store lines”, “the righter of every one else’s wrongs” boy what a never ending 24 hour a day 7 day a week schedule I kept. There were of course no real benefits and very little pay and talk about frustration!!

I had a hard enough time managing myself and my own life let alone every other single person that came with in my reach, but I tried and o boy did I try!

And often these things escaladed when I was too tired, too hungry, too angry, and too lonely or stressed to the max. In other words something going on inside of myself!

When I had to be held responsible for my own behavior or act properly I expected that everyone else should as well. It’s expected that we do the right things in life so when we view others as not following the rules; we tend to become the managers to all and right all wrongs.

Learning to hold back and NOT ACT OUT the part of manager of the world was something I had to practice and I had to learn to accept that not everyone follows the rules and no life is not fair at times.

Today I pick my battles, those that would cause real harm to others yes of course I step in but my stepping in now includes putting it in the proper hands of authority not my own.

Next time if this same kind of incident happens, call the police on your cell phone and report the danger in the roadway and let them handle it.

I have to laugh because I would have done the exact same thing, teach them a lesson, and scare them so they will get out of the road. That was me; I did all of those kind of things so I can really relate.

Onlyboringontheoutside……better days are ahead…..when we know better we do better and then we feel better. WOW, when I finally gave up my title or crown how ever we want to view it, what a tremendous weight that was lifted off of my shoulders and it actually allowed space for me to work on ONLY ME.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 10, 2009
4:59 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Thank you both for your replies. I find myself alternatively depressed and angry recently, probably because of work stuff. I've been told not to take things personally so many times, so I make an effort not to react to things people say, but I guess things still do bother me, but now I'm just stuffing the reactions rather than truly not being bothered by them.

At work, I get so many mixed messages... "Why are you so rattled by this?" tempered with "You say everything is ok, but you're lying, clearly, everything is not ok" with a sprinkling of "it's not ok for you to call other people on their bad behavior, you need to be more tolerant of others" plus a smattering of "but if someone does something out of line, you should call them out on it."

No wonder I'm irritable. Maybe I should take my own advice and plan a vacation.

October 10, 2009
6:27 pm
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findingmeagain
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Anything but boring,
You gave me some very insightful advice the other day. Look back at what is really making you angry. Chances are it has nothing to do with those "kids" and everything to do with someone or some situation that you feel is beyond your control. You can only control your behaviors, actions and reactions. To reiterate what Atalose stated, pick your battles carefully - because those that really matter will leave you feeling good and justified - the rest is all just water under the bridge. Listen to some relaxing music and let yourself unwind on your drive home. Don't let someone else ruin your evenings.

October 11, 2009
2:41 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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Finding, you are on target with the assessment of what is causing my anger not being where I'm acting out right now. I'm very angry with a coworker (a peer manager) who has caused me grief over the past few years, and his behavior has escalated such that he has alienated other managers at our level. Our boss routinely defends him when we go to her with our concerns, so much that our employees are griping about how she just turns a blind eye to his flaws. He is toxic, and I am angry that he is allowed to continue his backstabbing and grandstanding without being stopped. The problem is that our boss is also toxic, and ultimately the root of the problem. She actually tries to build up relationships with us by badmouthing each other to each other, like she is commiserating with us. know that she talks to the other managers about me too. I feel that I have no control over my career because of her. When I have gone to her about my concerns about this particular coworker, she tells me that the problem is with me, that I'm too critical of him, and that I demand too much of him. She also tells me that I just need to get over it and not let his behavior "get to" me. All I know is that when he is on vacation, things run really smoothly, relationships seem to blossom on the team, and we get a lot of work done. Add him back into the mix and it's drama-central.

I want her to fire him, and I've gotten to the point where if she does anything less, it's not enough for me. I realize how crazy and inflexible this sounds on my part, but that's how strongly I feel about it. He could become the model employee now, but he has completely eroded my trust in him and I have no interest in rebuilding it. In my personal life, I would cut out anyone from my life who is narcissistic and only self-serving. Why would I want to spend 10 hours a day 5 days a week with someone like that?

But heaven forbid, I step out of my good-girl routine for one fraction of a second and express frustration to my boss privately, suddenly I'm the one with the problem, it shows up in MY review, and I'm the one denied promotion. My boss has outrageously high standards for her female managers. We have to be perfect organizers, incredible writers, always keep our word. But the male supervisors get to be forgetful and disorganized, so long as they can speak prettily when under pressure. I feel like what I do isn't valued and that I'm always picking up the slack.

And oh boy, my review is coming up in November. We're working weekends and late into the evenings now, and I'm not feeling like it's ever good enough, and yeah, I'm angry that expectations of me are so much higher than expectations of others, that I get reprimanded when I don't follow the rules but others don't.

And I guess if I want to keep my job, there's nothing I can really do about it. I guess I could stop following the rules, and start slacking off, but that's not how I roll. For what this ass makes, we could hire three awesome people!

Oh well. It's out of my control, and I guess I need to let it go.

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