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issuessabotogingrelationship
September 15, 2005
12:59 pm
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ladyhawke
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Hi all.
I'm new here. I found this site searching for help from my codependency.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I'm very sad and depressed. I'm trying to snap out of it but having a hard time.
We are both in recovery. I have almost 3 years, he almost 2.
My thing is this. I havent dated a whole lot because I'm aware I have these issues. I've been reading book after book, working with my sponsor etc etc. As soon as I get into a relationship, despite the fact that I'm 'self-aware' I still do the same things. I've found out that I'm deeply insecure. I try and use the relationship/him to make me happy. I have Daddy issues. My sponsor suggested outside help. Which I'm gonna do...just as soon as I get out of bed and stop eating the entire sugar content of the nearest Safeway.
Here's what happened in a nutshell. We've been going out for about 5 months. Not very long I know, but if anyone here is in recovery you know that things move fast. Despite what you say your gonna do. Well it was wonderful. He was kind, loving, honest...opened the door for me, brought me flowers, we said the l word, talked about moving in.
Then I dunno, I started acting out around the 3 month mark. I didn't know it then, but he admitted now that he did start pulling away and putting distance between us. no explantion really. I don't know if he even has one. He started visiting his folks every weekend and quit asking me to go. He'd turn off his phone. I'd freak out. I've been in past relationships where men did this and they were usually sleeping with my best friend or some such nonsense. Anyway, this is our first shot at this. Both of us..by that I mean trying to have a normal, healthy relationship clean and sober. He's going through some intensive child therapy right now, working a lot of overtime at work, trying to get off probation early etc etc. We are both very serious about recovery.
I broke up with him this past sunday because he was again at his Dads with the phone turned off. I told him he wasn't emotionally available yada yada yada and I thought i was trying to set healthy boundaries.
Well the next day I freaked out and called his cell phone at work and left like 9 messages. Calling over and over and over. Crying, Yelling, Pleading, basically acting like a crazy woman.
What I was doing in retrospect was trying to control the situation. If you don't act like this and this you don't love me. Oh no he didn't call at 9am and he always calls at 9am. I could go on and on. We've talked a lot since then and both admit that we had our part in it, and that the breakup is probably for the best right now. He knows he wasn't emotionally available enough, I know that I'm deeply insecure. But we both admit we love each other. There is no doubt there.
My question is this. How do you go from feeling your a nothing all your life to being a something special? I've worked real hard on my self esteem and I still only have a tiny bit. I know its better than it was before, but still.
I don't know. I'm just hurting. And he can't fix it. I know I have to walk trough this on my own. I have a tendency to use relationships/sex to change the way I feel thereby not dealing with the core issues.
I'm scared, lonely, and depressed. I know my issues stem from my Dad being gone all the time when I was little. he was a workaholic and a cokehead. When I was 12 he had a nervous breakdown, lost the business, and moved in with his girlfriend. We didn't talk about things when I was little. There was just a lot of tension always. I'd find little straws laying around and he'd pass out in his food. but we never talked about it. If I tried the messages I got were that I didn't know what I was talking about. I learned that my feelings and ideas werent valid and I didn't matter. After awhile my Mom went from never talking about things to talking too much. Telling the little girl I was all the sordid details and what a horrible person my dad was. I started acting out. I started using when I was 12.
Okay I know all this. I know that if I get the guy to love me I will finally have my parents love. I know I have a tendency to pick guys just like my dad...gregarious funloving womanizers...cheaters.
I know its a vicious cycle. I just don't know how to get off it. I keep doing the same thing over and over again.
I trust D. the boyfriend or ex if you will. cheating is not the issue..it doesn't mean I don't get a wave of fear, insecurity, and jealousy if I see him checking out another woman.
We talked yesterday. Neither of us wants to break up forever. But we both agree the split is neccesary. We love each other.
I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to let go of this feeling of impending doom.
I dunno. If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

September 15, 2005
4:50 pm
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gayle
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Welcome Ladyhawke- Are you in therapy right now? I think you are really on the right track, you sound very self aware. If you have an opportunity to get some help with the family issues then it will make all of the difference and you will begin to understand that your feelings do count and they are extremely important and very valid. Give your guy some space and take some for yourself. You need this more than you know. I know its hard- been there done that- haven't we all- do something to take care of you. Find a way to spend your time that is fulfilling to you. Be a little selfish- there is nothing wrong with it if you are taking care of yourself and not hurting anyone. Have faith and stay strong! Take care ((((HUGS))))

September 15, 2005
5:23 pm
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Randomwomen2
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hello and welcome i am glad you have found this cite you will find it is here for you anytime day or night. So please feel free to share anything that burdens your heart
love julie

September 15, 2005
7:55 pm
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ladyhawke
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September 29, 2010
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Thanks Gayle.
I talked with my case manager at the behavioral health center I get my meds through and made a request for therapy. I denied counseling in the beginning thinking the program, steps, sponsor was enough. I talked with my ex today and he seemed pretty happy. lol he called me. i'm very unhappy, but I know why now. His terms are this. He still wants to see me, but no intimacy. To see in effect if he wants to be together in the long run. Well, I'm uncomfortable with that. I'm in love with the guy. I can't see him and not want to kiss and hold him. I can't sit around and wait for him to say yay or nay. So I told him I was uncomfortable with that. That those were his terms. I said either we are together trying to work it out or we arent and I have to have no contact. I need to move on with my life. I'm going to deal with these issues regardless. But I can't sit around wallowing in fear about him. I definately feel better now.

September 16, 2005
10:02 am
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gayle
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Ladyhawke! Bravo! That was a very good decision that takes care of you! I am so proud! I hope you are too! You took control of your life and did not give it up to him even though you love him! You will really benefit to counselling- it seems like it is something you are ready for. As a codependant it is so nice to see successes in someone else b/c if you can do it then I can too and we may inspire someone else. By doing this you loved yourself and made you important and valued! Great Job!

September 16, 2005
2:27 pm
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kathygy
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September 30, 2010
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I would listen to sense of impending doom. Its not fair to you that he check you out while you still love him. Its a setup for pain and rejection. it will certainly bring up your codependency issues. If you want to build your self esteem you can start by taking good care of yourself and not doing anything that dosen't feel safe or comfortable for you. You need to honor and value your feelings. In the future when you meet a mam look for red flags and if you see them run in the opposite direction.

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