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Issues my Mother
December 14, 2000
7:40 pm
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Still Hurting
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First off let me say that I am new to any of this type of stuff - getting advise from strangers. So I hope everyone is patient if things don't make sense.

I am a 21 year old married female who generally loves and appreciates life to its fullest. However, more and more I see myself getting so worked up over my mother. It would take an entire year to explain everything she has done to me mentally but to make things short she mentally abused me until just recently when I finally told her that I couldn't accept her abuse anymore. It worked for awhile - and I actually felt better about myself staying away from her. She has hurt me so many times and so many times I have let her back in just so she can do it again. I used to ask myself why I would do that when she doesn't deserve me but then I realized that it was natural to want and need a mother, even as an adult.

I just recently got married and was engaged for two years. Of course being a "bride" I needed and wanted my mothers support which I should have known was impossible. I always seem to have too much faith in her. She of course drove me crazy and made me cry every day during my engagement - finally me and my husband decided to do a destination wedding out of state and not invite anybody - for the simple fact that the wedding was turning into something neither of us wanted. We had a wonderful time and took tons of pictures so that others could share in our day. We threw a small reception in town and to my surprise not ONE person in my family (except my little sister) came to my reception. Not my Grandparents, uncles, aunts, mom, NOBODY came - even out of respect. Obviously they were hurt that I did the destination thing but we paid for it and overall it was their fault for making the wedding so out of control......anyways, I had decided to be selfish once in my life and not care or worry whether anyone came to the reception. I only wanted to worry about me and my husband and our lives together. Made things easy knowing I didn't have to talk to her anymore - I usually cry when we talk because she is so verbally abusive. Fine, things are going great, being newlyweds and such.

Then this past weekend my Grandfather got into a serious accident and is now in ICU and on life support. I got the call from my mother and really didn't know how to feel. I have always loved my grandfather dearly until about a year ago when he used racial terms against my husband and what my children would be (let me note that I am not the only interracial couple in my family so it stuck and still hurts) Anyways - Im not sure how my mother was expecting me to respond to the news but obviously I didn't respond right. After hanging up I was so confused. I don't know how to feel about my grandfather. I never hoped anything like this upon anybody and I definitely didn't want this to happen to him but I still have strong feelings about the respect issues (obviously nobody respects me, why should I respect them) Thing is is Im not too excited about seeing any of these people and while Im sorry this has happened to my grandfather I chose not to rush to the hospital and I still haven't gone to see him.

I got a call from my mother today - she told me what a horrible granddaughter I am for not caring about him and not putting my "petty issues" aside long enough to care. I told her that I do care and I have kept up on his condition through the nurses and he has been in my prayers...but what am I suppose to feel? I didn't feel like a horrible granddaughter before her call, I felt like my feelings were right in the fact they wrote me off not vise versa, but now that she has pointed it out to me I cant stop feeling so damn guilty.....when I know I haven't done anything. Im so sick of letting her do this to me....Im so sick of letting her make me cry. And meanwhile I am so disappointed in myself for not going to see him and for not being there when I should be. I told myself "Well they weren't there when they should have been so why should you" but that is playing their game and I want to be better than that. Im so upset and Im so mad and Im so frustrated and Im so sick of putting up with this. I don't know where to go....I tell my husband but he says the same things he always has. He has seen these people hurt me so much that he is mad at them simply for hurting the woman he loves.

Im hurting so bad inside. Please help.

December 14, 2000
8:13 pm
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Molly
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Well guess you can see my post!!! Mother hood sucks. Things happen for a reason. Follow your heart, think into the future, how do you want your children to respond, and try to think with a loving heart. Mom's are human too. Go see your grandpa, it is most likely the right thing to do, and will leave you guiltless, just in case. Mom most likely wants you there, because it is the right thing to do, and she just might need you. We often learn through our daughters examples which is why I am so open to my daughters current blast of my being a problem, or having a problem. Over the last year, our relationship has gone from, I am their confident, and bestfriend, to I am mentally ill. Go figure. Just as I have tried to express to my daughters, I am human, I am not perfect, but I have always loved you, always provided for you, and promised God, that I would try to keep you as perfect as you were given to me, I swear. I mean no harm, and now all of a sudden I am the spaun of satan. It hurts being a mom, no handbooks, no real rules, struggle of life, we are trying. You could be my daughter for all I know, except that they haven't gotten married recently, but speak more, maybe we can help each other, mothers, need their daughters, as much as daughters, need their mothers. Try to find the love, Molly

December 15, 2000
3:10 am
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enough is too much...
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the love that you give to your daugthers.. is the most greatest gift uncomparable to anything else. being a mother is always tough.. and never is perfect.. i hope they understand this.. and i hope things will fall into place for you soon..

let me tell you about my mother.. she never give into my childhood needs.. she never respond to me when i'm emotionally hurt.. or when i'm in emotional need... simple things a child wants in his life.. she never buys me a simple toy.. she beats me.. she yells at me.. and she would give parenting duties to my elder brotehers and sister.. she would scowl at me if i ever come to asking money for ice cream man.. anything i would ask from her. she would make me feel extremly guilty for asking her.. i'm always yelled at.. and beat at for the stupidest reasons.. and through my teen years. i was completely neglected.. i never ask anythign from her.. there was only enough money for a bus pass to school. clothes was handed down from my brothers.. frozen food was stocked in the fridge when she's away from work. this all that she gives me. and all the resources that i have.. she demands alot from me.. to be an excellent student.. and to do well in school.. to be perfect...

then there comes that one day.. .. under a heated argument. i just said. "fuck it.. my life is out of here".. and so i packed and left..

ever since then.. i feel completely familyless.. outcasted.. and no parents.. i come into her presnece once in everywhile. i know that she loves me dearly. but i just can't seem to express or to even converse withher.. all i want is jsut distance from her.

you are a great mother molly.. love exist within you for your daughters. i hope they will come to realizing this one day.. and they will come to you. becuas i know that you put "effort" into their life.. and that is very valuable. they should acknowledge this..

December 15, 2000
8:03 am
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janes
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Moms...They-We can be such a pain.

My mom...controllling, verbally abusive etc etc.

You...You already know what YOU need to do for you. If it makes you lose the unnecessary guilt to go and see your grandpa...go. If it hurts to much...don't go and write them ALL a letter and let them know why.

I would not say your mom "needs" you...she may be mentally ill and even if she is verbal abuse is NEVER accetpable NEVER.

Mom are the adults in a parent/child relationship. Although we cannot ever be "perfect parents" we can be stable. Think of how much shit goes into any relationship. We tend to parent the way we are raised so unless you become VERY AWARE of why your mom was that way...and seek some help for your self and insight into why you allow her to hurt you you may slip into the same pattern even if you don't want too.

BUT you are an adult now. You don't have to maintain that relationship if it isn't good for you. Don't batter yourself with guilt either.

I finally decided I just don't like my mom. she's bigoted , nastey and mean. I still care for her physically but I have to protect my children from her mouth. I get angry at my dad for not protecting me from her when I was a child...children need protection...sometimes even from parents.

MOre later..gotta go to work.

You owe her ... what?

J-

December 15, 2000
8:03 am
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janes
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Moms...They-We can be such a pain.

My mom...controllling, verbally abusive etc etc.

You...You already know what YOU need to do for you. If it makes you lose the unnecessary guilt to go and see your grandpa...go. If it hurts to much...don't go and write them ALL a letter and let them know why.

I would not say your mom "needs" you...she may be mentally ill and even if she is verbal abuse is NEVER accetpable NEVER.

Mom are the adults in a parent/child relationship. Although we cannot ever be "perfect parents" we can be stable. Think of how much shit goes into any relationship. We tend to parent the way we are raised so unless you become VERY AWARE of why your mom was that way...and seek some help for your self and insight into why you allow her to hurt you you may slip into the same pattern even if you don't want too.

BUT you are an adult now. You don't have to maintain that relationship if it isn't good for you. Don't batter yourself with guilt either.

I finally decided I just don't like my mom. she's bigoted , nastey and mean. I still care for her physically but I have to protect my children from her mouth. I get angry at my dad for not protecting me from her when I was a child...children need protection...sometimes even from parents.

MOre later..gotta go to work.

You owe her ... what?

J-

December 16, 2000
2:22 pm
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Molly
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There is the passage in the new book White Oleander, that despite our mothers efforts, we all find our mothers inadequate because they are not always that place that we once knew. Always safe, warm, accepting, loving, comforting and healing, and nourishing. We keep trying to extract that and are left short changed in the expectation. Once we recognize their humanness, we are much more accepting of them. My mom, and I got to reconcile after decades of war, I remember the war back to the age of three, thus my efforts with my girls, to give them all I did not receive. So, I hear I feel short of their expectations, they will work to be better than me, their daughters will react the same, and perhaps through this evolution, we will end up in the relm of perfection, that we strive for.

enough is to much, I am so sorry for your experience, and good for you in cutting off from the pain. I am learning, and have seen from others, that you now have the opportunity to make your family, choose those that support you, and accept you, and love you, with out a cost. Create a circle of friends, and make that your family, get out there, and realize that you have overcome your history, and are a loveable person, when around those who are able to love. My pain and confusion from my girls, gets reinforced when I hear stories like yours. Rather than look to what I did right, the focus is on the what I did wrong, an easy place to go. I see in some ways where I did to much, and asked for to little, the opposite of your mother. One of these days we will get the book of life together, know all the rules, and just complain about the weather. Sometimes I think we just have to much information and to much time, when we were tribes struggeling for survival, I doubt much any one complained about their parents.

December 17, 2000
7:41 pm
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Brenda
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My mother is a narcisscistic and jealous cow, she has always been this way, this is why I grew up to marry a narcisscisstic, jealous and abusive bastard...anyways that is now history but it took a lot of praying, healing and committed self help/work to make my way through the dysfunctional patterns that had set themselves up in my life both conciously and unconciously as a result of living in a violent and unloving household.
Think of yourself still hurting, because no one else other than your husband has obviously done this.
The advice i give you is the same advice I now take. Having been codependent for yrs as a result of trying to caretake out of control, addictive types ( mom and dad ) I have let go of all that and the obssessive gut wrenching stuff that you are going through and realise I need to put myself first and not take on any of the thoughts and feelings of others who are out to harm and abuse.
You will be able to find yourself and stay centred in your own reality if this is what you choose, for now just make decisions out of the question "What will make my heart glow?" Whatever the answer to this is, do it!

December 19, 2000
11:25 am
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janes
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Still hurting.....how are you?
j-

December 19, 2000
5:34 pm
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Thank you all for your advise.

The thing I still have a hard time comprehending is how can a parent not sacrifice anything for their children? My mother has NEVER had good intentions for me and Im not exaggerating. Now that I look back at everything she did it was to purposely hurt me, harm me or to be mean to me. She never sacrificed, nurtured, cared, loved or even looked to see what I was going through. I attempted suicide 13 times as a teen - all very serious attempts, the last time I tried to hang myself. In every occasion, my mother assumed I was on drugs, when she knew I wasn't - what she couldn't comprehend is that I wanted to die because of how worthless she made me feel for so long. She told lies to the doctors, my family and her parents. And of course no one will believe a "troubled teen." I knew from the beginning I was a mistake because she made it well known. She never hesitated to tell me how worthless I was or that she wished she would have had an abortion and so forth and so forth. Sad thing is is that my first memories are of me trying to take care of her. I always felt like she couldn't do it herself but then when I needed to be taken care of it was out of the question. She has other children, both younger than me. She gave up her son to his father and oh how I wished that would have been me. I was forced to care for my sister from the time I was 5 years old til she was old enough to take care of herself. My whole life all I did was for my mom, just so she would love me a little. I got great grades, participated in all kinds of extra activities and did things strictly to make my parent proud. I cant remember one time she went to a game or choir concert or any of my plays or even a teacher/parent conference, she always had an excuse not to be there. She rarely provided my necessities, I stopped getting lunch money at the age of 8. I am thankful for the fact that she always provided somewhere to live but that isn't something you think about when you have to walk 45 minutes to school in the snow with no coat.

Molly, when I read your initial response I got more upset because is sounds like you are actually trying to show your daughters love when my issue is the exact opposite. Sometimes I think it is easier for me to think that all mothers are this way and Im not the only one out there wanting and needing. I know this isn't true because my mother in law is the best woman I have ever met. She has been such an inspiration to me since I was 13 and to have a woman call you at least three times a week JUST to say she loves you is incredible. I have a new family now, whom belongs to my husband and I also have a ton of friends who support and love me but the thing I keep latching onto in MY mother. I want her, I need her and sadly enough, I love her and I am so sick of not getting love back. In reading Molly's response I got the feeling that your daughters are looking for perfection. Never did I want perfection, I wanted the basics, which I was denied. Recently I have been thinking it would have been easier to be an orphan, not ever knowing my mother and who she is. I would prefer the wonder of who she was and all the why's of why she had given me up instead of all the why's of why she hated me so much.

I still have not gone to see my grandfather. I am still carrying guilt but I am just not ready to see these people who have hurt me continually throughout my life. I don't want anything to happen to him and I know if I don't see him and something does happen I will regret it but right now, Im just not ready - my questions are:

WILL I EVER BE READY?

WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO LET GO?

WHAT ABOUT REVENGE?

I know that it isn't my job to hand out karma but sometimes I feel I want to hurt her so bad. My husband says that the fact that she isn't apart of our lives, when we truly are good people, and the fact that she will miss out on our children's lives, is punishment enough. Is it?

WHY CANT I LET GO?

(Obviously I need a professional huh?!?!)

December 19, 2000
6:13 pm
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Thank you for your understanding of my situation, during your stress. There is a difference between being evil, and just not a nice person. Based on the additional facts, go ahead and cut it loose, be at peace, love the mother that has come in to your life and celebrate your new family. It will take years of nurturing to satisfy your hunger, but at least you are being fed the love that you so desperately deserve NOW. You are a miracle, certainly not a mistake. Try to let go of them in a loving way,pray for their healing, and know that they are very stuck, angry people who know no better, and that some day she will get it, and maybe not, but it is not your burdon to take care of her or even to explain your self, and dump the guilt its ok . Now that my anger has passed, and I have gotten my wits together, I have reflected on how I spoiled the girls, and did not teach them to give, far less how to give to me. I agree that they want perfect, and gee whiz, I turned out to be human as most moms are. My mother was pretty close to yours except I had the support of my father and grandparents to run to ,no sucicide attempts, but an awareness of how hard I have strived for perfection, thus again the shock at the girls stories, I was able to disconnect from her after marriage, and went for a long period of time with only polite conversation which ended when I needed to. I later reconnected with her when the girls were teens, realizing that she gave me what she could, and that she did the best that she could, I treated her like a client at first, it was the only way I could go to see her, and possibly subject my self to her anger, because she was truly sick and in need of care.We had two years of a relationship, before she died, and I am so greatful that we were able to reconcile 40 years of s***. I made the mistake of spoiling my girls to make up for what I did not get from my mother. I studied parenting, communication, taught parenting classes, went out on the limb to learn to be different from my mother, and thus the shock at the current situation. I grew up at some point and realized that I wanted the perfect fantasy mom too, then learned that no matter how good a mom is, the child still finds some short comming, then they learn from their own short commings, no matter how much they try that its a lesson all the way around on love. Try to resolve the anger, erase the bad tapes, and make some new ones, love your self, the way you wanted your mom to and send a card to your mother in law and thank her for being your angel. We get so stuck some times in what we don't have, or what hurt us, that we overlook the good in our lives. Amazing I got stuck in the dance with the girls, that reminds me of the dance I had with my mom, not good enough. Well thanks to the support of others, I was good enough, and I am good enough, they right now have some sort of agenda that I can't effect, and that is there war, and their lesson, they have no idea right now just how good that they had it. Like the saying goes, I felt bad about my old shoes until I saw the man with no feet. I don't know how it relates, but trust me foster homes would have been worse, look at who you are today, a much better person for your experience, and talk about karma, I think you paid your dues, and the good times have arrived. Celebrate your life.

December 20, 2000
1:40 pm
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Molly, thank you so much for the encouraging words. You are right in the fact that I need to celebrate my life. It is the most precious thing I own seeing as how I tried to take it so many times. Obviously there is a purpose to my being and I think it maybe to break the chain that has traveled through my family for so many generations. I guess I am thankful for being raised the way I was for the fact that I am a stronger person than most, I have stronger morals than most and I am wiser beyond my years. I know I have a lot of unanswered questions and when I have time to sit back and review them I know that not all questions need answers. I was so upset last week over my mom but now that I have had time to deal with other stuff, I look back and realize that I should not have been so hysterical. I should not have taken it so personal and I should have been more patient with my emotions. Sometimes she just gets to me so much. I know I cant always have what I want but I know that I do want a mother, and maybe in due time I can not only forgive her but like her. I know I love her, I just cant stand who she is. I just hope she realizes someday that I was a gift and not a burden. Thank you again and good luck in your situation. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

December 20, 2000
2:04 pm
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You might want to try writing a journal-like letter to your mother. It doesn't even have to be sent to her, but can help you bring cosure to this relationship at least to yourself.

This helped me, at least, in dealing with latent anger at my father for not intervening and protecting me when my mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child. He's elderly now and quite ill, and I knew that I needed to get rid of that anger in order to make progress with my fiance, who was taking the brunt of my anger at my Dad. I just wrote the letter and burned it. It felt good to let go.

December 20, 2000
8:27 pm
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Still Hurting - I can not beleive how much your story relates to my own childhood. I grew up with a mother who mentally abused me and my brother untill I finally left home at 18. The only reason I actually was able to escape from my mothers controling clutches was because I fell pregnant to my boyfriend of three years and we decided to get married. My mother completely controlled the whole wedding and I can honestly say that looking back at my wedding day makes my stomach turn. It was not a happy day and I still feel embarresed at her behavior. I have decided that for my marriages sake and my childrens emotional wellbeing it is best not to have any contact with my mother at all and it has been 7 years now since I saw her. That may sound very harsh but beleive me it has been extremely hard. Through my mothers personality disorder and her manipulative and controlling behaviour she has socially isolated herself so I know it isn't just me who keeps their distance. Lastly because of the years of mental and emotional abuse I have been left a person who struggles with day to day issues that most people deal with quite normally, I have low self esteem, I suffer with social anxiety and I generally don't like myself but on a better note I have been having counselling for some time and I really feel I'm getting there. I have come a long way in the past 7 years and I know that having my mother in my life would jepourdise that, I can't afford to do that to myself. Don't feel guilty about not seeing your mother, thats how she wants you to feel,It's a form of control, your grand father on the other hand is in a time of need and may just want a hand to hold. Now is not a time to be angry with him for something he said. Was he the one who gave you a hard time during you childhood?

December 20, 2000
8:33 pm
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Control Hear hear. If you allow the guilt to stick you are allowing them to control you.

Stop letting them!!

Easy to say..harder to do.

Good luck!!

December 20, 2000
8:45 pm
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chook
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I also want to add that going through the things I have has made me a deeper more mature person with a passion for loving and caring. Oh Wow! I actually have some qualities!
No seriously I beleive people who have been through adversity tend to be open minded and understanding.

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