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Isn't hard to pretend that you give a shit about someone when they are treating you like crap?
November 7, 2004
8:11 pm
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I hope someone is out there because I'm feeling like a real turd. Just got back from almost having dinner with my sister. My sister's manners have always been abysmal, much as she loves me it's hard to take when I'm feeling like "Ms. Oversensitivity."

Actually, I don't know why she bothered coming over. All she kept saying was "I have to go soon, I can't stay too long...etc." Well, what the fuck? I told her on the phone I was busy too, but I would make time to go to dinner with her. She even said she wanted to do laundry with me and was supposed to bring it over, but didn't. Plus, I'm having computer problems which i was in the middle of fixing, etc.

As I was working we WERE talking, but I guess I'm not good enough company. So I get this whole "I'm bored, can I use your phone, we need to leave for dinner soon because I've got stuff to do" shit from her. Well fine. I don't get it. She does this shit to me all the time, like her time is precious and mine is worthless yet she's doing me some fucking favor by gracing me with her presence.

During dinner she gets up and leaves when I'm in the middle of a sentence...when she got back i said "Gee, I'm trying to remember the other half of the sentence you left in the middle of..." Then she tells me she has a lot on her mind (so do I does that excuse me to treat her like shit?)...blah blah.

I dunno. I know I'm oversensitive, but just because I'm upset over stuff I don't treat her with any less respect. She takes me for granted all the time. If she were a friend and not my sister, I'd stop calling her (no matter how lonely I am). What is that "I'm bored," constantly checking her fucking voice mail and all. God, I was in a codep relationship too and I would never let my friends or family feel like I rather be somewhere else. It's rude. Besides, for me, it was seldom true. I'm so hurt. She does this all the time. I want to be there for her w/her problems, but she just acts so bitchy and offensive that it makes me care less sometimes.

I feel so lonely because I really feel like there are fewer and fewer people to count on for me. My sister is like the most reliable person in my life and that says a lot about how shitty things are. I'm considering calling my dad to take my dog for a week so I can check myself into a hospital. Maybe I need a time out because I really want to fucking kill myself.

-ella

November 7, 2004
8:16 pm
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((hi ella)) i just answered on your other thread too, and I too have "pretended" to act and be a certain way when I really just wanted to get away from it all.

How about being honest with yourself and with your sister, and tell her how you feel...this way you are opening up with her and maybe she can truely understand how this is hurting you.

November 7, 2004
8:30 pm
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(((Camer)))

Hi!

I try being honest with her... that just sends her into fits of self righteous bitchyness and makes it worse because then she hurts my feelings even more. I know she does a lot for me, but still, the way she acts sometimes is so hurtful. Really, I didn't tolerate it from my boyfriend (he ended up having to spend some nights elsewhere when we fought), I let "friends" like that go- let's face it who in their right mind would treat a friend that way if they intended on keeping them anyway, so I don't know why I should put up with it from her. Are a lot of sibling's like this or what? Everytime she said something about needing to leave I told her to just go. I mean why would I want to hang out with someone who obviously doesn't want to be there? It makes no sense.

She is having a lot of problems because she has one shitty abusive relationship, has cheated on the guy, and now found out he has cancer. I would be there for her if she let me for Christsake. But she's using that as an excuse for behavior that she's ALWAYS exhibited. I mean, please, I never used my problems as an excuse to treat her like she doesn't matter. This man has become her whole fucking life, he treats her like garbage and she can't even be decent to others? Maybe she's just so use to abuse being the norm in the way she interacts with him, she thinks she can be that way with others. I don't know.

I'm fed up. I'm getting more and more reclusive, I see little reason lately to be otherwise.

-ella

November 7, 2004
8:37 pm
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Hi ella. I answered on your other thread too.

November 7, 2004
8:37 pm
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((((ella))))

Please don't say that! You know what? I don't even speak to my only sister anymore because she pulled much of the same crap on me. I bailed her ass out so many times and she burned me every frigging time. After years and years, I finally figured out that she was just plain jealous! Imagine that? Ya gotta take a break ella, it's not worth the stress and hurt.I'm much the same way as you. I don't have the fucking time nor the patience to deal with people like that. When I cut the ties, I cut them for good...

Sunny

November 7, 2004
8:38 pm
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Hi ella, I answered on your other thread too.

November 7, 2004
10:50 pm
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((((Sunny)))

Do you ever miss your sister? I guess I just want someone in my life who knows me and vice versa. I don't want to go out and "join clubs" or "take classes" right now... maybe later... I'm just not up to it. My sister has been there for me a lot of times, but that doesn't erase the hurt or give her an excuse to trample on my feelings or take me for granted. Damn, if I wanted people like that around, I'd have kept my last bf around. He was unreliable due to drugs, but least he was loyal.

I wouldn't say my sister is jealous of me, but she is envious of my ability to break up w/people and stick up for myself. Anyone who's read my threads knows that doesn't exactly come easily for me!

It's kind of pissing me off that she's using her bf's cancer as an excuse for her longterm behavior because 1) that's really cheesy 2) she's still cruzing for other guys 3) does she really think I'm gonna buy that excuse? And of course I've been supportive 4) how does that explain the fact that she's done this since day one? When is she gonna grow up?
-ella

November 8, 2004
12:10 am
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Hi ella,

I do indeed miss her. My gosh we shared the same bed as the only girls in our family until we both went off to college. She is 14 months younger. It didn't start with jealousy, but it ended that way, and I did threaten to expose her for just what she had done. I think when someone leaves their husband, looks to me for help, I give it and she left her kids too , then comes to my home and it's a revolving door with guys she met online? Then, after all I did for her, she goes back to him and now it's suddenly *It Never Happened*? I don't think so... Anyway,enough about that.My sis does not have the strength that I do either...She never did (long story) I'm not saying she is a bad person, she has not dealt with ANYTHING from our sordid, dysfunctional past. ella, your sis may never grow up. But that still gives her no excuse to make light of you, it gives her no excuse to treat you in that manner nor does it show respect towards you.. I hope this makes some sense!

Thinking of you,

((((Ella))))

November 8, 2004
12:18 am
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Hi Ella,

If you are really feeling that you want to kill yourself - please, see if you Dad will take your dog and DO check yourself into the hospital so you can get the help you need.

I'm the last person to give advice regarding sisters. My only sister and I have not talked in over a year. Actually, the last we "talked" she shouted at me for close to 30 mintues. I will not even bore you with all of the help we have given her over the years, but it has been a lot. Now? She is too good... and my Mom eggs it on. I have even thought of telling my Mom next time she starts in on me... "just leave me alone, let Princess handle it" because frankly? That is how I feel.

I'm sorry your sister is doing this to you - I wish I had better advice to give you, but sadly? I don't.

But... please, do get in contact with your therapist, or the hospital or whatever it is you need to do if you are feeling suicidal.

Love,

Z.

November 8, 2004
12:30 am
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Sunny ((hugs))-

I know the sordid stuff is in our past too, and my sis has never kept up an honest relationship with a therapist to help her cope with anything. Your sister and my sister should get together and have coffee. My sister was cheating on her sick boyfriend and when the side-relationship didn't work out she cried to my folks who don't even know about the real boyfriend she's living with. Apparently, she thinks it's only okay to write home about the successful ones.

I've had covered up for my sister more than I care to think about, quite simply because we are adults and revealing her lies is not my place- tho I find it a burden. She's put me in the position where I look bad in front of our folks because they don't know the entire story of certain situations. Sometimes I want to reveal her as well, but it really would hurt my folks to know how she is living and also for them to think that our relationship has such tension.

It's awful, but it's my fault for getting sucked in. It's a pattern since childhood. I was home sick for years while my sister would hop the train and run wild in Manhattan without my folks knowing. When she'd get back, and they'd find out, guess who'd get in trouble? Not much has changed in my family, my sister is excused from being a flake and I'm criticized for being a bitch.
-ella

November 8, 2004
12:42 am
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ella,

Do we have the same sister? God!! I know exactly what you are saying! Jeez, they do need to have several coffee's together!! Mine also did the parent thing..Ran to my mom..It's an ugly story.. I have to turn in but know you will be in my thoughts and I do hope you wake up feeling better tomorrow!

Until then, Hang in there!

Sunny

November 8, 2004
12:47 am
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Wow Zinnie-

That's how my mom and sister are. My mother is like my sister's big defender. It's sickening. Last time she came in my sister made her cry, so I told her off and naturally they made up and of course I was the villan. I should have kept my mouth shut, cause that was so predictable. Honestly? If my mom wasn't ill and a little younger, I'd tell her exactly how I feel. I used to do that and we fought more, but at least I felt true to myself.

I lied to my mom about my bf for a long time because she hated him for obvious reasons. She threatened to kick me out of my apartment (my father owns it...not her) and I felt like I had to. My sister lies because she wants to appear like the little goddamn picture of whatever it is she thinks they want. She also takes money from them for things she can afford herself, and supports her mostly unemployed bf. I want to use the family lawyer to make up a will and my folks want me to leave shit to her! I refuse. Why? So she can support her fucking drug addict bf with my money? I rather give my money to animal charities or meals on wheels. FUCK HER. My folks are horrified because they want to leave me money. I don't want their goddamn money. I'm just angry at the world.

I think about suicide everyday. I do talk to my therapist about it. When I get dangerously close I will do the right thing and go to the hospital. It's just part of my reality. I expect I will have suicidal feelings on and off for the rest of my life. Believe me, I don't want to go that way. I almost did last two times, and I think that scared me. When Spalding Gray disappeared that really hit home and I cried a lot- silly as that sounds.

-ella

November 8, 2004
1:06 am
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yeah sunny may be it's a bratty sister syndrome they have! that running to mom and dad shit has to stop... but I guess it won't so long as they keep allowing it. (sigh).

-ella

November 8, 2004
10:47 pm
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Anyway, today my sister left a voicemail message and an email, both with extensive apologies.

I said I felt bad too, I'm glad we always get over that stuff but it sucks that it has to keep happening because it hurts. Ugh.

The whole thing made me feel more alone anyway. I can't talk to my folks because...well they are PARENTS... (that'll never change). Actually, my father is okay... he just has a lot on his plate right now, he doesn't need to hear me complaining I'm near suicide every other day.

I can't believe I'm 35 and I have no real support system. I have a couple "new-ish" friend but I'm afraid to hang out with them because I don't want my neediness to show. It could be worse. I guess I have a support system, it's just unreliable.

I miss my ex.

-ella

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