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Is what I want best for me or selfish?
September 28, 2009
11:47 am
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learning2luvme
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I have a job that I took, because my husband needed health benefits, that I hate. I have been on the job for 2.5yrs but I have been in the field for 8yrs. I originally planned to go back to school for something else 3yrs ago but my husband came back in my life and needed so much help that I put my plans to the side and he went to school and finished but hes not even working in the field he went to school for. Anyway Im currently out of work on medical leave cause I was just too stressed to work. Ive been out since begining of Aug. and I am due to go back end of Oct.. The problem is I dont want to go back I still dont feel like I can deal with the issues at work, so I have signed up for training courses. My husband says fine but our finances are not great and we have children. I just dont know what to do. Am I just being a BRAT?

September 28, 2009
12:32 pm
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atalose
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I guess some logical questions to ask would be: without your health benefits from this job, how would that be taken care of and would not have health benefits are a stress factor on your marriage?

Is it possible that you hate this job because of your resentment towards your husband for going back to school then not ending up working in that field while that has been your own dream?

What about keeping the job and taking some night courses to work towards what you really want to do, but have the security of knowing your family is covered with health benefits.

Just trying to share some ideas and no I don’t think you’re a brat I think you’re frustrated with more then just this issue thought.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2009
12:36 pm
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MsGuided
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First off what is the problem with your spouse? Why was the relationship eneded in the first place?
If you took him back because he needed help, then why did you put all of your needs aside when the relationship was already disolved or on hold?

Does he have mental health, substance abuse issues? Does he abuse you?

Is he pulling his weight, contributing to the household? While you work does he take care of the kids, clean the house, shop etc?

Have you communicated to him all the pressure you feel, aren't coping well, and is doing something to help?

You need to determine if your problems are coming from your relationship or work.Do you feel used and like you'r not getting equal consideration?

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Expecting others to do for you, what you should do for yourself, is selfish.IMHO

You already do for your family so why doubt your own needs and happiness? You deserve to have things come your way once in a while.

September 28, 2009
1:34 pm
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learning2luvme
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Yes My husband and i do have several issues that we are currently dealing with and seem to be making some progress. I do believe that i was starting to resnt him for that which I hate myself for because i just wanted what was best for him and he didnt seem to be on the same track as me. I guess i can share my "Love (control) Story" Here it goes...

I met my husband in 1999 and we were friends and lovers then I got pregnant and decided it should be more. He was a drug dealer and went to jail when I was 7mths pregnant.2000 When he got locked up all his ugly secrets came flowing out he was using coke and had other girlfriends. Back then I thought I was too good for all this drama being I didnt want to date him in the first place because of his lifestyle.(He was the only dealer I had ever dated. I got to know the inside and thats what I fell in love with.) So Idecided to leave him alone. I then had 2 children one from a previous marraige and his. I went to school got a trade. Really pulled myself together. But my poison, MEN , pulled me down. Dated someone that didnt want to work, dated someone that lied and said they were divorced, dated someone with AIDS that didnt tell me.(thank GOD i was covered!)Then I came to a point in my life that I was just spiritual and not dating at all.2005 Well this is when my husband was having problems with his wife,she slept with his sisters boyfriend, and needed a place to stay and I said okay and one thing led to another. We had been friends troughout the years but I never thought we would be One. Being that he was hurt and wounded I call myself helping, that was all it was suppose to be, and changed my whole life to comfort him and his insecurities. When I say change I mean change Dress, talk, friends, activities, job, rules, and started smoking marijauna with him.2008 Then in all this mess we believe we were meant to be and decided to get married. We got premarital counseling from our pastor and at first things were real tuff and we have just been really working on things till they are now getting a little easier. Now I find out I am codependent and I havent shared this with him and I dont even know how. I have just been trying to work on changing me hoping he will be there at the end. Yes he has been very supportive since I have been out hes been working double and says he thinks I shouldnt go back either. His job he has now offers benefits and no not having benefits wont hurt our marraige. I chose to get the job cause he was sick all the time.

September 28, 2009
2:31 pm
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atalose
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If your husband feels you shouldn’t go back to work then don’t. If going back to school for you makes you feel better, alive and doing something for yourself then by all means do it.

When you say that you are trying to work on you with your codependency and hoping he will be there at the end, why do you feel he won’t be?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2009
2:44 pm
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learning2luvme
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I have changed so much about me to fit him in my life I dont know if he will want the new me.

September 28, 2009
3:31 pm
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atalose
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How has he reacted to some of YOUR changes so far?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2009
3:38 pm
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learning2luvme
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Surprisingly well. But I think its only cause hes worried im losing my mind.I know he really loves me! Im just scared that I gave him a fake me by bending my bounderies and changing my ways to comfort him in his time of hurt and weve just been living like that while all the time im not feeling complete. Your askin the right questions! Thank you! I guess he probably wont leave weve really been through alot together and we only seem to be getting stronger. I guess I should just focus on what I want and need and if he truly loves me he will stay. I just hate messing up. You know.

September 28, 2009
6:31 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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learning,
I agree with everything that is was said here but I want to add that only you can decide what is right for you. Listen to these wise people here (they have been through everything) then decide what you really want to do.

September 28, 2009
6:58 pm
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atalose
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No, not a fake you because that was you at that time. Life is all about growing and changing and as we become more secure with ourselves we discover that our needs are just as important as theirs and we strive for balance and equality.

Sounds like your husband does love you and is validating your feelings regarding NOT going back to work and that’s great.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2009
7:14 pm
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learning2luvme
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Thank you all have been very helpful to me today thankyou!! Peace and best wishes to all!!!

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