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Is this self esteem/depression/codependency/ or all of the above?
November 23, 2001
7:47 am
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gg40
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Hi! I surfed into this site while looking for some answers. The "Thread" is new to me so I hope I am following the guidelines. I am not sure if I am depressed/codependent or have low self esteem and I am thinking that it is posiible to have all 3 disorders? I am 40 something, female, divorced almost 7 years and went for an annual to make sure there were no physical reasons for how I am feeling. I have been taking Prometrium the last few months to counter progesterone dominance as my doc thought this would help with low energy levels and mood swings. I think it may be deeper than that. I have done some depression tests and I know that I have moderate depression. I just ended a 2 year relationship with a man that had chemical dependency and what he revealed to me was called Boderline personality disorder. I tried to understand and support him and I felt that I did love him. So, I figure I am codependent because he always asked me to get herb for his habit and I put up with his moods and anger if he wasn't high. He was also married; my self-esteem must be very low to have been involved in such a dishonest relationship. To make a long story short, his wife dumped him because he was caught with another woman ( not me,this was quite a shock but I continued to see him).He lost his job and then went into some kind of pyschotic episode, said that he had "transcended" and dumped me.
I know that I should consider myself lucky right? Why do I feel so depressed about it? It was a very intense and loving sexual relationship and I am beginning to think that I may have been obsessed with the sex. I would appreciate any insight and advice on counseling options. I do not want to start taking any kind of medication, am planning some lifestyle changes including more exercise and no alcohol, as this may be a factor ( I drink a few beers every night,I love dark stouts) and I made the mistake of phoning him the night before Thanksgiving. It was devastating and I threw up afterwards, it made me so ill to talk to him. BTW I have a great job but it is extremely stressful and I wondered if that could be contributing to my anxiety. But the anxiety of not having a job would be worse. i feel stuck, but if i can find someone/place thing to turn to I will feel like I am progressing.
Thanks for reading.

November 23, 2001
4:15 pm
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Molly
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I think some of the life changes, and that man out of your life will do a great deal for your self esteem. Depression, well changes, like loosing the connection with him, and living out of balance, can cause it, I am sure it was a stressful relationship, and that zaps your serotinin level. courting a married man is always a roller coaster ride, and aren't you glad that lesson is over. The drinking could have helped you numb out some of the feelings that you should have experienced, which could contribute to the depression. I think if you go get your hair done, start the work out thing, get out there with some available people your gonna feel alot better about you, which could just cure every thing. Yea, all of the above, self esteem can cause co-dependency, which can cause depression. But its all over right?

November 24, 2001
6:53 am
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gg40
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Molly and Blondie, Thanks for your insights. Yes, it was a rollercoaster ride and I believe I was hiding in the relationship (the secretness). I have bought a few self help books and am working through TEN DAYS TO SELF ESTEEM and actually doing the written excercises. It seems to make sense.
I have never read it put so well...."women really need to stop thinking they have the magic vagina" lol. how true!
I don't want to turn into a man hater or get bitter, should I stay out of any relationships with men for a while?

November 24, 2001
10:15 am
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deshong
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Hi gg40,

My personal opinion is yes. I struggle with some codependant stuff to and you do not want this to repeat right? Take some time for yourself. Think about some things you want to accomplish in your life. Education, travelling, reading, joining a club etc.

Write down some personal committments while you are not "in love" anymore. Your thinking is a little clearer now. Set some healthy rules(aka "boundaries")such as, Rules for Immediately dumping a guy or saying no 1. He is married or separated (if he is simply separated this means he is still married) 2. He does drugs etc.

Take some time to focus and care for you. You are worth it and if someone comes along, well he can wait. Don't do anything on the rebound!!

November 24, 2001
4:40 pm
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gg40
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Hi deshong. Come to think of it, why do separated men seem to think they are not married? Just curious. I have met a few of them along the way and I have always thought...until the papers are signed its still a marriage. Oh well. Three nights now, no alcohol, but a very clean house 🙂 The only emotion that I feel the need to get over very soon is the incredible anger that is starting to surface, and I am not an angry or resentful person by nature. What I figure is that I need to acknowledge and accept the anger I feel towards him (and myself) and then let it go. If the truth be told, I wish his **** would fall off. Just crumple and fall down the leg of his pants.
I feel guilty for writing that. its a horrible thought I know.

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