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Is this rude, or am I just sensitive??
June 16, 2006
11:59 pm
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readyforachange
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My daughter has been at her dad's for two weeks. About a week ago, my neighbor (whose daughter is my daughter's best friend) called me to ask if she could borrow something. I was crying. She asked what was wrong, and I told her that I missed my daughter. She didn't say much, and then asked to borrow what she wanted. A few days later, my daughter was invited to spend the night at the neighbor's house. I happened to be outside, and my neighbor informed me that she would also be spending the night with them on Friday night.

SO...tonight rolls around, and my daughter is at their house. I'm downstairs painting, and I hear lots of noise coming from outside. I come upstairs, and look out the window. They are having a full blown party in their backyard. Bonfire, s'mores, and a few other neighbors there. I walk down to the fence, and no one says ANYTHING to me. Finally, my daughter sees that I am standing there and walks over to me. I'm holding a basketball uniform that she needs for tomorrow morning (my excuse for going down there in the first place). She and I are talking when a DIFFERENT neighbor walks over, says hi, chats, and walks away. I kiss my daughter good night, and go back to my house. That was two hours ago. This woman never acknowledged that I was standing there, never called to ask if I wanted to come down, never called to see if it was hurting my feelings that my daughter was at her house partying when she knew how much I missed her. Never bothered to think how it would make me feel to be left out.

I just can't believe that anyone would do this. It seems so incredibly mean to me...this is a woman who I have lived next door to for 10 years. I've driven her kids to school and practices, babysat for her kids, baked cakes and cookies for their family. But this...this is just the icing on the cake in my mind. It makes me so angry and hurt, and I just can't believe that anyone could sit in their back yard having a good time, knowing that I'm sitting here in my house all alone, and not bother to call me. Or even say hello when I came to the fence.

I am just so tired of rude and insensitive people. The whole world is full of them. I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? Why is it that I go out of my way to be nice to people, and I just get treated like dirt?

It makes me feel so worthless.

June 17, 2006
12:19 am
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readyforachange
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So now, it's almost 11:30 at night. They are still out there whooping it up...laughing, screaming. The kids have gone inside to bed, but I can hear all of the adults making a ton of noise. I have my AC on, and I can still hear them screaming through the closed windows!

June 17, 2006
12:32 am
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sewunique
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Ready

why don't you just go down there for a drink of soda or beer and say hi? Or are the adults still there or not?

You know, I think I have experienced this same thing as you are here.

People can seem to read us when we are not in a good frame of mind. If we are sad, it shows on our faces and how we hold our bodies. Even when someone is depressed, the color of theri face changes. Not saying yu are or not blue, but you are in a funk. They may sense this.

What gives me a stronger clue is you said the neighbor saw you crying and then did not say much back to youo makes me think she is uncomfortable with your issues and state of mind right now.

Some poeple just want to have goood things happenand shy away when others are blue. Is thisa the case? You are more neighbors than friends?

If you do not feel comfortable with going sown there then don't. Then wash your face, take two aspirins, get what sleep you can or read a book in a room in the fron to of the house and get some sleep and call doc Sew in the morning! Trying to joke here and I know how upsettingthis is. Whish we could talk.

I wasted my entire day today. How about that? It is the heat here, so hot and the air conditioner went out and got to get it fixed next week as it is 85 in the house, yes disturbingly hot.

I will be around for a few here. Did you read the story about clumpy in Libs? That was my escape for the day. Didn't solve anything, but escape was relieving for awhile.

Take care, I am here, or there or in here, if you want to talk!

Sew

June 17, 2006
12:44 am
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I already did go down there, and I was ignored. Yes, they are still out there, and I couldn't sleep if I wanted to they are so loud.

And no, we are not just neighbors. She has come to me for more than her fair share of support, and I have always been there to give it.

Personally, I don't care if she is uncomfortable with my "issues", I am not asking her to be supportive of me. I just think it is rude of her to party all night long with MY daughter knowing full well how I am feeling.

From your response, I get the feeling that once again I am expecting too much of the human race. I'll continue to get walked on for the rest of my life. Guess I better toughen up and get a helmet.

June 17, 2006
12:52 am
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sewunique
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Ready

I am not trying to dismiss your feelings! Yes, she is being inconsiderate. Why? I don't know. I can't figure out half of why people act so mean. Yes, she is rude, but inconsiderate to boot it all.

The other 50% when I do figurez people out, I have a hard time gettingit or believing it, cuz why would people be so mean and nasty to others?

Does your daughter have a time linit where she needs to be in bed?

If I was with you, we'd go together and just crash the party.

This neighbor is downright being nasty. I can't wait til later when you can ask about it or if she brings up the party to what she will say if you mention she never invited you?

There must be SOME reason for this behavior but who knows why?

Sew

June 17, 2006
1:00 am
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sewunique
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Sorry, Ready, I read too fast inorder to post back to you, my fault. You said the kids are in bed and just the adults are making noise.

Darn neighbors.

Sometimes I wonder, being single again sometimes I feel others don't invite me cuz I am the single one. That sucks.

Sew

June 17, 2006
1:17 am
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Are you still around Ready?

June 17, 2006
1:54 am
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HI SEW

HI READY

The last comment made brought something back to my mind.

Sew said...."Sometimes I wonder, being single again sometimes I feel others don't invite me cuz I am the single one."

There is a lot of truth to that statement. Here are a few possibilities:

1. She is intimidated by you because you miss your daughter and she doesn't have a close relationship w/ her daughter.

2. She's just a witch and doesn't want any "bad karma" to blow her party up.

3. Her marriage may not be solid and she may be afraid of you. Believe it or not i have heard many chastize a single woman and accuse her of bein "on the prowl" whether it was truth or their own insecurity.

4. Maybe her hubby said something nice about you one day and she just cannot deal w/ her own insecurities.

5. She might be afraid the attention would be off her and on you. Competition of sorts.

5. She's just a plain ol witch.

Ready... I'm not saying you have anything to do w/ any of 1-6. Those are ALL an issue w/ her (possibly).

Chin up Ready. You have your marbles all in a row. Wonder where her's are.

June 17, 2006
2:06 am
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sewunique
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Well said, mamacin

Mine just did not come out very well. Ready, I can feel your anger and pain about this and I hope this thing with your neighbor passes quickly.

(((((((((Ready)))))))))

You are always so supportive to me and today I just feel lost for the right words to help you.

Sew

June 17, 2006
6:37 am
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nvr2late
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Ready...
I don't care what her excuse is..that is really really really inconsiderate!
I have an old neighbor like that...although she has made attempts when I do not have the kids to all of us get together..that was awhile ago.
Now that my stbx lives next to her, she feels the need to call him over everything...even when it is my day with the kids.

but, she is just RUDE...knowing that you miss your daughter and not inviting you over...was your ex there too?
I don't know why some people are like that, but there is nothing you can do for them...it is their problem
and I hope someday they come to their senses and people start knowing how to deal with single women!

single men...oh...they want to set them up so they will be taken care of!
women...our society has issues with single women...
they are not material to be invited over???

I don't get it, and I would explain your feelings to her, and let her make her excuses...listen to them.
and maybe you can bring some clarity to her.

maybe she just did not know how you would feel?

let us know what happens.

nvr

June 17, 2006
6:40 am
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sleepless in uk
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Aw (((Ready)))

I have felt like you so many times and know how hurtful it is when someone treats you thoughtlessly or deliberately hurts you...

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. And Yes I think it was very rude and I wonder if the reason she ignored you was that she realised it was rude and didnt have the guts to speak to you...maybe she felt ashamed..

lets hope so

I think as mama said she probably is threatened by you or intimidated or jealous

if she was secure in herself she would have welcomed you with open arms...

mean mean mean

(((hugs)))

June 17, 2006
8:37 am
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(((RFC)))

I am so sorry you're feeling blue nowadays. Do not let the attitude of otehrs alter your positive attitude.

Once when I wanted to do a volunteer job, the interviewer asked me about my weakness and I said that I was sensitive. She said sensitivity is NOT a weakness it is a great quality.

I don't know the whole story or the character of your neighbor but if she is truly a good friend of yours, she was not supposed to behave the way she did and dismiss you.

Here are some (((Hugs))) from me. You are a good person full of warmth, nurture and kindness.
I would recommend you to forgive her and re-evaluate the nature of her friendship with you.

~Ras~

June 17, 2006
9:19 am
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lollipop3
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(((Ready))),

"Guess I better toughen up and get a helmet."

First I have to tell ya....that CRACKED ME UP!!!! LOL thank you.

Aside from that remark......

I also think that your neighbor was inconsiderate. Even if you didn't mention how you were feeling about your daughter at the time.....it still would have been nice for her to invite you over. Especially if you do have more than just a "neighbors" relationship. Perhaps Mama was right and you being single feels like a threat to her. I don't know.

I understand how you feel when you said you are tired of rude and insensitve people and that the world is full of them. I have often felt the same way myself. Like you said, perhaps I am overly sensitive and expected too much from people.

At work I am constantly faced with people that don't say excuse me or thank you. People that are rude, condescending, and frankly....slobs.

My co-workers are nice and I like most of them but they seem to have no problem just interrupting when I am speaking to talk to someone else (not just to me, they do it to each other as well). I mean in mid-sentence. I will be talking and someone else will come along and they will start having a conversation like I was not just in the middle of one.

And if I comment on any of this or call anyone on their behavior....then I am the one that is considered rude!!!!!

At home it's no different. Everyone around me expects me to always be there for them but whenever I need anything......no one has time. They expect me to take care of everything and don't bother to contribute other than to tell me what I "should" have done instead.

It's actually a running "joke" that "no one listens to you". That's what I hear when I try to assert myself...and say "HEELLLOOO".....I asked..... or......I said.......

I get....."no one listens to you".

I guess that's supposed to be funny.

Perhaps it would be if it wasn't true.

Because of this, I very often feel taken advantage of and taken for granted but I'm not supposed to talk about that either because then I'm accused of "starting". In other words..."we're only joking....don't start".

Sometimes I feel like a child instead of a grown woman.

And then I don't know how to react. Lord knows my threats and ultimatums don't work. Why would they....noone listens to me. If I try to stop doing the things I do....then I am accused of being "selfish", not to mention the fact that I feel guilty because it is in my nature to be polite and considerate and to help when I can. But when I do what comes natural, then I feel taken advantage of and that makes me feel resentful.

Sigh.......

I'm afraid I don't have an answser for you. I'm sorry for the rant....I just wanted to let you know that I AM LISTENING TO YOU....and I understand.

Take care,
Lolli

June 17, 2006
10:01 am
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Wow, Lolli, I think you've captured the whole feeling in a nutshell. I often feel like others are too busy and do not treat me with respect, interrupt, etc.

I've asked myself if it is because I am such a rotting bore that I tax anyone's tolerance.......and then I remember all the people who DO care about me and seem to enjoy my company. I think alot of the sensitivity is about how we feel about ourselves. It is so important to maintain your integrity -- be true to your own belief system. Do what you have to to get your "ducks in a row".

Dear Ready,

The self-questioning a person seems to go through during major changes, especially divorce, is hard but o-so-good learning process. I love mamacinnamon's list. She is so cool and can always nail it down!!

Just do what you have always done. Love your daughter. Can you tell your daughter how you felt about the evening? Ask her how she felt about how they treated her well, but not you?

How whiney/risky would it be to tell the neighbor herself how you felt that night (after a few days of thinking about how to phrase it)?

All I know is you cannot just hole up and lick your wounds. You have to go out in your neighborhood and your back yard and be seen and look good and hold your head up. Sometimes it works to "fake" feeling good!!! You can then get positive feedback, and then you actually DO feel good.

What do you see that neighbor woman doing in her life that your daughter admires and/or appreciates? Is it a valid value system in your mind?

Sew, Never, Sleepless, Ras, you guys are just so incredibly supportive. I am always blown away by the level of communication and understanding I find here.

June 17, 2006
11:41 am
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well, thank you all so much. Things are better in the light of day...I wish I could respond to each of you individually, but I am just too tired. Please know I appreciate all of your support so very much.

They were out there until 12:30 a.m. I did my best to get some sleep, but was up reading until almost 1. I'm exhausted.

The reason my daughter was there was that my ex had to work this morning, and the girls had an 8 a.m. basketball game. Of course, I woke up to go to the game at 7. My neighbor wasn't there...I guess she decided to sleep in. After the game, my daughter came over to me (she is only allowed to do this when her dad isn't there) to say hi. I asked her to ride home with me, and she said she couldn't because her dad told her not to. Ouch.

You know, it seems like it's a common theme among us...sensitivity. Is it because we don't value ourselves, and let people treat us badly? Is it because we aren't assertive? Is it because we treat people so well, that we expect the same - or somewhat civil - treatment in return? I don't know. All I know is that time and time again, I get my feelings trampled on, and I really need to learn to deal with this.

The issue of being single again is so very true...I don't know if married women are threatened by me, or what. It's not like I walk around in provocative clothes and flirt with their husbands for god's sake. I would be the one accused of being a prude, as a matter of fact. Is it that they are threatened by the fact that I can make it on my own? That I can hold a job, raise my kids, take care of my house and yard...all by myself?

I did have the chance to talk to my daughter today. She came over to get something after they got back from the game, and realized I was upset. I told her exactly how I felt...it felt good to let her know that my feelings count, too. She knows how this feels, because her friend treats her the same way that her mother treats me sometimes, and she gets her feelings hurt easily, too.

Anyway, I'm going to get through this. If I have enough courage, I will at some point let her know how I feel about what she did.

I keep going back to what my daughter said a few months ago, when she asked me why I don't have any friends. Maybe it's because I just get my feelings hurt too darn easily, and no one wants to be around someone like that. I don't ever confront people who hurt me though...so I don't know how people would ever know they upset me. I just brood about it quietly and pretend everything is fine when I see them.

I'm rambling...I really appreciate all of your input. This is an issue that I've struggled with for a long time, and it doesn't seem to get much better. I just don't know how to change it...

June 17, 2006
12:09 pm
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sewunique
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No, ready, you're not rambleing. You are explaining and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Why do wwe always apologize and say these things? It's part of what we are trying to work on here at AAC.

I cannot imagine, how it must feel for your darughter to have staked out boundaries; is this from the court? So when she is by her dad, she cannot come over by you? Plainly, I think that is dumb. What if she needs you for the moment. She is supposed to send you a note? Wait til later? That has to be hard on her. She has limits on which parent sho can talk to at certain times or conditions? If this was set up by your ex and you, then I realize you have definate reasons.

[ After the game, my daughter came over to me (she is only allowed to do this when her dad isn't there) to say hi. I asked her to ride home with me, and she said she couldn't because her dad told her not to. Ouch. ]

But you said at least you got to talk to her later on about your feelings; great.

I still do not understand why and what your neighbor did. Perhaps she was just being rude on purpose. OR, she expected you to say you were dropping by on your own without her inviting you first? It is hard to tell. If and when you find out, please share it with us. It is puzzling.

As far as the single thing goes. Soemtimes people are just plain threatened for their own lack of securities. And yes, by many people's standard's we, you and I in our careers are seen sometimes as more prudish, dressed more conservatively; the librarian look; though this is general and not necessariy so. But I can spst a teacher or nurse out pretty often in a group, right?

But you mentioned other things of which you should be proud of; making a good home, working, career, getting financally sound and becoming independent. All these things can be viewed as a threat to some. I think less of men, but women it seems are boxed in seen as needing a man and therefore the threat and jealousy. In fact, I have read that many men who see women as independent, strong and with humour are more likely to be attracted to than one who is not. So you have a lot going for you!

The other thing is you may not even realize your feminity is coming thru now in taking care of yourself. Before, I am sure others saw you in the negative light when going thru the divorce, this is natural. Now, you are forging ahead and this is a different side of you. In general, you are happieer now. That has to show and be seen by others. But it is a good thing. You are also thinking about dating; whoohoo!

Take care and get some extra rest while you can. I am glad you feel better today.

Sew

June 17, 2006
1:57 pm
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readyforachange
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thanks, sew...

The limits or boundaries were not set up by the court, or by me. They are my ex's juvenile rules, and he makes it well known to her how upset he will be if she speaks to me or comes near me when she is supposed to be with him. The fact that her best friend lives in my back yard makes it worse. She does come home when she's at her friend's house, to get things, or say hi...but he makes her feel awful for doing it. He reminds her when he drops her off that she is not allowed to come over to my house. It's pathetic. I go to all of her games, whether she is with me that day or not. After the game, he whisks her up and takes her off to his house before she can even make eye contact with me. It is immature and pathetic, but it doesn't surprise me coming from him. This is not about what is best for our daughter...it is about how to hurt or "get even" with me. My philosophy is that it is the kids' choice who they spend time with. If my daughter asked me to spend a Saturday with her dad when she was legally supposed to be with me, I would agree. It is her choice. I guess that is why my son never spends any time at all with his dad...he doesn't like being told what to do, and what not to do. I'm still working on getting him to go over there tomorrow for Father's Day. I don't know why I bother...

I just wonder when my ex will ever grow up and see what he is doing to his kids. They are 16 and 12. He has lost his relationship with his son, and he is seriously jeopardizing what little he has left with his daughter.

Maybe this whole issue with my neighbor hurts so much because, bottom line, I know how much my ex is hurting my kids. I don't know.

June 17, 2006
2:06 pm
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Very well thought our Ready.

If he has lost his relationship with his son, then he may try harder with the daughter with control tactics as you stated. It's wrong, but apparently he knows no other way.

You sound good and strong overall. Does that surprise you? Sometimes hearing it from others on how yu sound helps; took me awhile to believe (most days I do).

So keep plugging along and show your daughter how she can gain her strength. She has to be torn about this back and forth issue. I wonder how long does it take children to get over the divorces? Most often longer than we do, I imagine.

Sew

PS; I still think his "rules" are odd.

June 17, 2006
2:42 pm
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yes, odd is an understatement. But There is nothing this man does that is rational or in anyone's best interest. I've given up trying to figure him out.

My son just got his driver's license yesterday. He went to his dad's earlier this week, and wanted to practice driving. His dad told him no, and wouldn't take him out to practice because he didn't want him to "wreck his car". They spend little time together, and the kid finally buries the hatchet and goes over to see his dad. The one thing they could do together, he turns him down. How sad.

June 17, 2006
2:49 pm
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Ready
I know exactly how you feel and have had that done to me. It took a long time before an excuse was made. I remeber them saying to my ex, we just didnt want to hear her complain about her life.
Im not saying this is you and i totally felt like garbage. I didnt know if i wanted to go down there and tell them off. Throw water out the window, call the cops, I would have done anything to hurt them for what i was feeling. But you know what, people are not sensitive to other peoples feelings. People just dont care anymore. I think if it was me, when my daughter came home, maybe the next day or so, I would tell her how hurt you were. I would like to know her input. Did she know something. I mean, didnt she think it was strange that the neighbors were there and you werent. Maybe she feels bad. Take it slow, I get insulted fast. I always like to do things for people, but i find that since i have so many things going on, people are keeping their distance. When you are really ready....Have your own party.
Talk soon.
donna

June 17, 2006
3:05 pm
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(((smater))) thanks...just knowing someone else has been there helps 🙂

People are insensitive, especially when we need them most. Why is that?

June 17, 2006
6:49 pm
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ready,

If the court did not set up those stupid rules of no contact, then you can challenge what he is doing by taking him to court and getting an order for him to cease and desist.

How old is your daughter? Is she still very young? I would get a lawyer's advice and have him write a letter to the ex stating that he must cease his hostilities towards you or legal action will be taken.

He is unbelievably rude, manipulative, hostile and psychotically immature. I would not be surprised if he told the neighbor that your daughter was to have absolutely NO CONTACT with you and she must have assured him that you were not even invited. If so, that just stinks and that neighbor is not a friend. If I were you, I would definitely confront her with it and let her know my feelings were hurt. Its better to get them out than let them fester.

~~bonita

June 17, 2006
6:59 pm
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readyforachange
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bonita...thank you for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, I have spent a ton of time and money since the divorce was final trying to get him to comply with the simple parenting plan we agreed on. He will comply with the things that the lawyers/judges tell him to at that moment, but then goes right ahead and finds another thing to do to get at me. I think I've posted here before that he addresses my mail to "Occupant" and writes my child support checks to "Bearer". The kids tell me that he walks around the house with the cordless phone, and won't allow them to answer it if my name shows up on caller ID. Many of my daughter's friends live within walking distance of my house, and if she comes to their houses, he tells her she is not allowed to come to my house. Just this morning, she came over to get a softball glove, and I told her to call her dad to tell him she remembered she had practice. He told her to go back to her friends' house right now.

I guess I could try to get lawyers involved again, but it only makes him more angry, and then he takes it out on the kids even more. My daughter seems to bear the brunt of it since she is the only one who has contact with him.

I just keep thinking that some day he will wake up and realize what he is doing to his kids...

June 17, 2006
8:25 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Oh Ready...god knows if he will ever wake up but it seems to me that whether he does or whether he doesnt your kids will see him for what he is just as they see you for what you are..

....consistent, tender, loving, strong, reliable and sensitive to the feelings of others...

In the end its up to him how his kids see him. But they will always have a great mum eh???

take care

(Oh and I still think your neighbour is a mean old cow)

sorry...shouldnt say that....dont know if she is old or young!!!!!!!!

June 17, 2006
8:33 pm
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readyforachange
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thank you, sleepless...well, she isn't old (younger than me) and she isn't a cow (she's cute and blond and in great shape)...but she is mean.

I was just on another site, and took a personality inventory. They gave this analysis of my personality:

You are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).

SO...you know me very well 🙂 And this describes me to a "T". It doesn't make things any easier for me though. While I am loyal, giving, and serve others...I just don't feel that I ever get this in return.

Does that make any sense?

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