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Is this ok or normal???
March 18, 2008
8:52 pm
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peacesoul
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Is is ok or normal for a man who has his kids every second weekend to share a bed with his 12 1/2 yr old son.

This guy makes a lot of money. Enough to get a huge place for both his kids to sleep, but his 10 yr old daughter sleeps in the living room on a pull out bed and his son with him in his bed.

Also when they went out of town, they all had their own bedrooms but the boy wanted to sleep with his Dad and his Dad let him.

This Father thinks there is nothing wrong with this.

What are your thoughts?

March 18, 2008
9:31 pm
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Worried_Dad
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It's not per-se unhealthy.

Sounds like maybe the boy has some separation anxiety and wants to be close to his dad. It might even reflect that the boy feels unsafe when he is not visiting his dad.

I slept with my dad around that age for almost a year. It was comforting.

That being said, it is good to help kids feel secure enough to be unafraid to sleep alone.

And it is good to give kids their own room.

To me, the sleeping with the boy in a small apartment is not per-se a red flag.

To me, it sounds like the guy just needs to get a move on and get a bigger place.

March 18, 2008
11:14 pm
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slimgirl
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Sounds like you need to find out more about this guy, his lifestyle and his relationship with this son.

March 19, 2008
12:29 am
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_anonymous
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peace- I would have to say that there is nothing wrong with a family bed. But kids get to a certain age where they have wet dreams, masturbate, are sexually developed and adults are having sex that it would make perfect sense if people in a family could have there own space. If it is the best a family can do and all they can afford it is better than being seperated.

The question I have is does this situation bother or harm the father and son? If not then that is their preference.

I personally would feel uncomfortable if someone did that in front of me. But I am one who belives that kids need there own beds for sure, kids and parents do not share rooms or beds.

March 19, 2008
12:35 am
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fantas
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I don't see anything wrong with it. It's just uncommon, that's all. If the son is willingly sleeping in his father's bed, I think this is okay. Trust me by age 13 or 14, he will not want to sleep in hiws father's bed.

Sounds like the man doesn't like spending money but then again I think we are just too used to big homes and have come to accept this as the norm. It would be nice if the daughter has her own room but if no one makes a big deal of it, this by itself will not do any harm to the child.

Have you shared your feeling with this man?

March 19, 2008
12:37 am
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Worried_Dad
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What I keep coming back to is: Why is PeaceSoul asking this question?

PeaceSoul: What is your realtionship with this man and his children? What is your stake in this situation?

March 19, 2008
5:43 am
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Linda Linda
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In this strange and crazy world.

If in doubt check it out.

March 19, 2008
7:57 am
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peacesoul
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Thanks for all the responses.

WD, I asked because the boyfriend I just left 3 weeks ago does this.
This was one of my issues with him.

I was just mulling over all the things that bothered me about him and because this is one, I thought I would ask others opinions thinking maybe I was over reacting.

His, almost 13 yr old boy, behaves in such a childish way and I had a hard time being around my ex's kids because of this boy and how he behaves.
His son's emotional level is that of a 5 yr old. He still crawls around on floors, spits out food on his plate etc, Like a baby would.
My ex saw nothing wrong with his behavior.

I've raised this issue, amongst others many times only to be told to "mind my own biz" or "You're not a parent so shut your mouth"
My ex lives in this world of denial about so many things.

I thought sleeping with his boy was very odd considering my ex certainly has the funds to get a larger place to live.

My ex also confessed to me once that he himself masterbated with the boy in bed while the boy slept.
I was in shock and told him this was a huge no-no and disgusting.
He agreed and said he only did it a few times and will never do it again. I know for sure my ex is not a perv or demented in any way.
He just does odd things. Well odd to me anyway.

March 19, 2008
8:05 am
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Robert123
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"I know for sure my ex is not a perv or demented in any way"

What is this based on in light of his masterbating with his son?

March 19, 2008
8:13 am
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peacesoul
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well based on that I know he's not a perv but just doesn't think

Do you think what he did was perverted and or demented in some way?

March 19, 2008
9:32 am
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StronginHim77
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I worked with two psychologists who told me this was NOT healthy behavior. Children should have their own beds AND their own room(s), rather than sleeping with the parents. It leads to tremendous problems in the areas of the kids' self-confidence and normal, sexual development.

When in doubt, consult a professional.

- Ma Strong

March 19, 2008
9:45 am
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peacesoul
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You see SH77, I agree.
I've suggested he go get some therapy, but you know, he's perfect and there is nothing wrong with him.

Like I said, this person lives in a deep world of denial. He could not handle confronting his reality.

Sad really...cause he's got the best heart

March 19, 2008
10:18 am
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bonni
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when my husband is out of town, both dds 11 and 7 sleep with me in our bed. last week during a bad thunderstorm, i made the girls sleep downstairs in the living room because their bedrooms are upstairs.

I just feel safer being closer to them. I actually don't care whether its normal or not. As long as my kids want that time with me, it makes me feel better able to protect them. When he's here, they sleep upstairs because I'm confident we could get them out together if we had to. my 11 yo weighs almost as much as I do, I couldn't carry her out by myself, but I could drag her from downstairs. Also, if one of them sick, they sleep in my bathroom if its stomach or my bed if its a cold, so I can hear them breathe.

the arrangement you describe sounds temporary. like he can't bear to accept the reality of the situation and isn't ready to make it permanent by establishing a new household. It isn't the sleeping arrangements that need to be addressed, but the underlying issue that the drive the sleeping arrangements.

bonni

March 19, 2008
2:03 pm
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peacesoul
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Bonni, when I was 10, 11, 12 and was scared and lonely, I would go sleep with my Mom. I had my own room also.

But with my ex, his kids don't have that option. I don't think a 13 yr old boy should be in the same bed or WANT to be in the same bed. If he wants to be, there is something that emtionally needs to be looked at.

Like I said, his son is emotionally not developed. He's coddled to death and has no clue about being disappointed.

At 13, I was on buses going into the city with friends to see movies. This boy is afraid of his own shadow.

I say it's the parents fault.

March 19, 2008
3:16 pm
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StronginHim77
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Having confident children has always mattered to me. I have seen many parents instill fears into their children because of THEIR (the adults') reactions and behaviors. My children grew up actually enjoying and relishing storms, airplanes, some "risky" sports (such as aggressive skating and motorcycling), etc. I encouraged and supported their enjoyment of these things. If I felt any apprehension or fear, I STIFLED it, to avoid passing it along to my children. Today, they are confident, reasonably (not foolishly) fearless adults.

If parents require their children's presence, in order to feel "safe" themselves, I would be concerned that they would be unconsciously passing along that fearfulness to their children in the process. I would encourage fearful parents to examine those fears in the clear light of professional counseling/support and develop their parenting skills to avoid imprinting those fears on the hearts of their children.

A priority would be sleeping alone in safety and peace. If a child's world is safe and secure, he/she should have no NEED to sleep with a parent. In most cases of parents sharing beds with children, it is the PARENT who is "needy"...who needs comfort or reassurance. I don't think it is healthy or appropriate to seek this comfort or reassurance by bringing our children into our beds.

Please note that I am not talking about unusual or extreme situations, such as dire sickness, a death in the immediate family or a traumatic event in the child's life. That would certainly change the situation completely. But such situations should, indeed, be few and far between and of a genuinely grave nature.

- Ma Strong

March 19, 2008
3:54 pm
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caraway
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What about all of the millions of folks who have to share beds and rooms? In many other cultures to have your own bed would be a luxury and they would agrue that bonds are made from sharing.

Being cheap and being a child molester are very different. My sisters had to share a bed until they graduated from highschool.

Cary

March 19, 2008
5:26 pm
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Linda Linda
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Many cultures think AMericans are cruel and abusive because we make our children sleep in other rooms.

But the BIG concern here is the rational mind of this man. Not the fact of Culture.

Never would I as a mother masterbate when my child was in the same room. That would not occur to me or come up in my world. NEver ever.

I am just saying. Would it occur to you?
And please don't tell me men are different then women.

March 19, 2008
6:06 pm
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peacesoul
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Linda, that's what I was thinking.
I would NEVER even feel sexual if a child was in my bed.

His reasoning; his son was asleep (he hopes) and he didn't think it made a diff or see it as dirty.
And he's not even that much of a sexual guy. I was with a sex addict and I know the diff.

As for other cultures all sleeping in the same bed, well keep in mind, these kids in these cultures have arranged marriages in some cases and in the other cases, the kids DO NOT leave home until they are married.

I also believe if poor people who share beds had the funds, their kids would have their own beds.

It's like my ex knows it's wrong but is too lazy to do anything about it.
Really, he makes a lot of money!
And he's not cheap, he's lazy,

March 19, 2008
6:06 pm
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peacesoul
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SH77...great post and that's the way I feel.

March 19, 2008
7:25 pm
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taj64
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What is ok with you might not be with someone else. What is normal to you might not be normal to someone else. The bottom line to me, is that these are not your kids, these are his kids and it is not up to you to decide how he raises his children, he is making a personal decision in raising them. If you are not in a committed relationship and you just met the guy it seems to me inappropriate to be questioning this so soon and perhaps you do not have all the facts. Money really has nothing to do with it either. For me if a child sleeps in the bed, no harm is done. Especially if it is a every other weekend deal and the child might not feel comfortable as this is not everyday. If he is cheap and you dont trust him to do what is best then perhaps he is not the guy for you and move to the next one you do feel comfortable with and has the same values and views as you. A child should feel safe to come in and ask no matter the circumstances are rich or poor. I actually read articles over it and most say it is not a big deal. But again, it is the parents decision ultimately.

March 19, 2008
8:14 pm
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peacesoul
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Taj64.....I was with this guy for over 2 1/2 yrs. I would say that was a pretty committed relationship.

He wanted for us to move in together therefore his kids would have been part of my world every second weekend.

I certainly am not nor would I have ever been interested in parenting his kids, but at some point, you want the person you're with to act responsible.
I don't think allowing his son to share a bed for the last 5 yrs when he has enough money to get a bigger place is responsible.

And yes, I left him close to 4 weeks ago, so you're right, he was not the guy for me.

I also don't think it's a matter of what is normal to some or another.
To some families, it's normal to let a child smoke, drink and swear, but that's doesn't make it right or healthy.

I don't think any 13 yr old boy should be sharing a bed with a grown man.

March 19, 2008
9:20 pm
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taj64
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OK perhaps I am wrong because when i read your first post here I thought you were asking the question for the first time as if asking if this is normal. It is a personal opinion. Sleeping habits are entired different than smoking, drinking and swearing. So he is 13 and in your original post he is 12 1/2 so Id say perhaps 13 is old. Well it doesnt matter to me, I let my 15 year old daughter sleep with me sometimes, if she has had a bad day or upset about something we sleep in the same bed. Im a single parent and there is room in the bed. I dont present myself in a sexual way or anything of the sort. We are simply just sleeping and that is it. She has her room and I have mine. Once in awhile she just needs presence. If you are just asking the question now and the relationship is over, then be thanksful that it is not your concern anymore. Some of these behaviors are strange but sleeping I do not think is strange or perverse. I doubt in most families that parents would feel it is ok and normal to smoke, drink and swear but I dont doubt that does happen. I certainly would not compare having a child sleep in a bed to smoking drinking and swearing but that is just me. It simply is a matter of opinion and you are entitled to yours as I am mine. And I dont mean that harshly just you need to do what is best for you, just as this man feels is best for his family.

March 19, 2008
10:03 pm
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Worried_Dad
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OK, the kid is displaying infantilism--which is usually a really bad sign, indicative of severe anxiety or trauma. Can't place say where that's coming from with the information given.

But the guy masturbating with his kid in bed with him? No. No F-ing way.

At the very least that implies that the guy has the emotional life of an infant or toddler.

I think this is a job for CPS.

March 20, 2008
1:41 am
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2BHAPPY
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Yeah Worried Dad,

I kept reading the posts and seems like everyone forgot the masturbating part. That is not normal..and I dont think a teenager should be sleeping with his dad at all. Most normal teenage boys do not like doing that either.

No big deal for children or teenagers to sleep with their parents during stressful times. It is kind of comforting for kids sometimes. My teenagers did right after the earthquake and eventually moved back to their own room...but this situation is kind of weird.

 

 

2bHappy

March 20, 2008
4:54 am
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cerise
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The father is one sick unit for getting aroused and jerking off in bed with his son in it. That seriously is not normal, and the one bit of the post that struck alarm bells.
The infantile behaviour for a 12 yr old is strange too and i wondered why the family hasn't taken him anywhere to see whats going on for the boy??
Somehow the father jerking off and boy in his bed And behaviour well do you not think it could be linked in some way, just my thoughts.
I wouldn't begrudge my boy sleeping with me but at 7 nearly 8yrs old the closest is him bounding into the room wantinng me to wake up, get up and start the day!! and his life hasn't been perfect, but yeah still the jerking off bit really set me off on thinking there is more to this going on.

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