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Is this marriage over?
March 9, 2001
4:38 pm
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annick
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My husband and I have been married for almost seven years. I had two children before I married him, and we have two more together. Their ages range from 3 to 13. Problems with alcohol, pot, and stimulants started at the beginning of our marriage. Also, there were pornography magazines, and videos. The trust that I offered freely in the beginning was crushed. It seems like I never get over one dissappointment before I get hit with a new one. I have seen a counselor at least once a month during our marriage. She believes I need to get out. Most recently, I discovered an email from my husband's lover, or sex partner. He says that it was exciting to be with someone new. I am not affectionate enough. I don't initiate sex. I don't make him feel loved and desired, so he went to someone who would do that for him. I am completely drained of emotions and desire. I feel like I may never recover from the pain in this relationship. NOW, as he has promised in the past, he is willing to try counseling to save our marriage. How long do I wait? My children are acting out to all of the stress in our home. I am clearly the primary caregiver, but I also run a business, time seems painfully unavailable. Waiting seems impossible, and for what?

March 9, 2001
5:10 pm
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pg lova
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Annick,

I say leave. You're better than that. He's a loser and he doesn't see what a good thing he has. Believe me, I was in your position a few months ago. I was in a relationship which lasted for two years. However, by the second year, things went downhill, it was like I was living with a complete stranger. We had plans to get married and all, but when I saw her ways, I put her out. Yes it will hurt at first, but think of how much more you will hurt if you stay. Also, try dating again, I am a guy and I can say that we are not all like that, he's a jerk. Since he says that you're "not affectionate enough" jus withdraw your affection totally by leaving. It'll teach him a lesson and take your stress away.

God Bless

PG Lova

PS If you ever need to talk, just e-mail me at [email protected]

March 9, 2001
5:24 pm
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Ladeska
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Stay for what? More hell? Um, no...... You've got a choice to make my dear and you best be making it. Got news for ya - he's just playing you. And, your children are getting hurt in ways you probably don't even realize yet but will.....down the road. I'd be gone so fast it would make his head swim. And you do know that guys will stall you when they think they may be coming up on a divorce and money might be an issue, don't you? Don't take that bait. Just get your affairs in order and kick the SOB to the curb. He deserves it. What a pathetic excuse for a man and a sad commentary on men in general these days. You are better than this, right? And your kids are worth more than this, right? Then what are you waiting for?

March 9, 2001
7:32 pm
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looser
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I have been reading this bulletin board for three days. And have learned so much. Thank you Broc, Molly, Player and everyone else. I know exactly where annick is at. She has given all she can to her husband and has nothing left. She is worn out from the constant torment and lies. She married because she was in love and thought he was too. She thought she could help this man. She thought that if he could only feel her love and give his that they could do great things together. He took her for granted as he has taken everything and everyone in his life for granted.
I know this to be true because annick is my wife.

My wife is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She is patient, forgiving, loving, hard working, and very, very intelligent. She is 35, 5'8" 130lb, blonde hair, big blue eyes and looks like a model. She owns her own business, makes very good money, has an accounting degree and has passed the CPA Exam. All her friends respect her immensely and always turn to her for advice and a shoulder to cry on.

Anyone with any sense (obviously that isn’t me. but I’m going to change) would look at all that I have and say that I was blessed. On top of the world. Gorgous wife, beautiful kids, money, big house, new cars, power job, young and healthly (at least physically). What more could a guy want.

I NEED HELP!!!

I have finally taken action. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday. I’m confused and hate myself for all the terrible things I have done in my life. I’m scared to find out WHY I have done these things. I will finally take responsibility for my actions. Nobody but myself is to blame. I have low self esteem, feel lazy, can’t focus, am selfish, negative, abuse substances, I am unable to create intimate relationships etc. etc. etc. No wonder my life is a mess. I have avoided my demons long enough. I am committed to get better.

If my wife leaves me I understand. Nobody should ever have to endure the shit I have put her and my kids through. I know she can do better.

Lisa, when you read this post just remember I don’t blame you for anything. You have been the best wife that anyone could ever ask for.

Love

Kevin

March 10, 2001
4:22 pm
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pg lova
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Looser,

Come on man! What are you doing? You have a good wife, don't mess that up. I hear that you don't mean to do what you're doing, but you're going through a lot too. I understand completely, but when you start allowing your problems to cause you to hurt others,it's wrong. I'm glad to hear you're seeking counseling and believe me it will help. Try gradually putting your marriage back together and when you say something mean it! Don't keep pulling the "baby I'm gonna do right" because eventually, she will get fed up with your making void promises. I don't wanna sound too harsh, and you seem like you're a very good husband to your wife. But, at the same time, you have issues that will eat you away, destroy your marriage, and leave you feeling miserable.

PG Lova

Annick,

Why not try giving him one more chance, IF and ONLY IF he makes a serious attempt to change his ways. If not, then the advice from the previous frame holds, leave. You have children involved and they don't need to go through this either. He seems sincere in his frame, and if he is as sincere as he proclaims in his frame, then don't turn your back on him.

PG LOva

March 10, 2001
6:53 pm
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annick
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Thanks for your input. I am not sure where I need to go from this point. I know there is more heartache because my husband is still hiding something that he cannot tell me. I can only imagine what is worse than what I have already dealt with. He wants to see a counselor and he wants me to wait and trust while he figures himself out. So much damage has already been done to our home life. It really is a tragedy. Where does the healing start?

March 10, 2001
8:32 pm
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pg lova
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Annick,

The healing starts with the two of you. Let him know, that you are his wife, there should be nothing that he can't tell you. Promise him that no matter what it is, you two will make every attempt to resolve it. Also, if he is willing to do what it takes to keep the marriage together it is worth another try. As for the damage, I would tell you to pray over it. Only God knows what is best for His children. As my pastor said "MAN's EXTREMITY IS GOD's OPPORTUNITY." Why not both attend church together and begin healing the pain through that. THere are couple counseling services available in the church as well, which focus on correcting the problem from a biblical perspective. God Bless!

PG Lova

" . . . Neither shall there be anymore pain, for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4

March 11, 2001
12:36 pm
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annick
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Faith is what I live on, but my husband is atheist. He would not go to church or be interested in using a biblical approach. This was another dissappointment. While dating, we attended church together a few times, later, during Easter week-end, he told me he was atheist. I thought I was already in love. I just cried. We didn't really talk about God after that. I still go and pray. That's all I have.

March 12, 2001
9:39 am
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pg lova
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Annick,

I'm sorry to hear that. Listen, maybe you should try to have a pastor talk to him and speak some words of truth to him. You know that I too was aetheist at one point in my life. I felt as though God couldn't exist because too much was going on in my life that no loving being would allow. However, there was one day that I was at church (I walked by the building and just hapened to go in) and God manifested Himself to me. I went to the altar crying that night. The pastor there received me and he prayed over me. The next thing I knew, he touched my forehead and I passed out. The next thing I remember is coming to and people helping me up. My next question was "What just happened?" They told me the annointing had befallen me. At that point, I fell down on my knees and began to worship God in spirit and in truth. From that point on I have dedicated my life to God. It seems to me that your husband is hurting and believes that God couldn't be real b-cuz of what he's going thru. Maybe your pastor could stop by and explain to him, just as the pastor said to me that night "My brother deliverance is coming right now. See the Lord is the only way to stop all of your hurt." Then you pastor should pray over him and he will be changed, I can feel it. I have been told that I am a prophet and that is my prophecy that if you and the church seek earnestly to win him to Christ, he will draw near to Him.

God bless and I'm still praying,

PG Lova

March 13, 2001
12:20 pm
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lisa78640
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To Annick

If you can say that you have tried every thing and that you have no more to give. Then and only then should you walk away. I have been married for 9 years and we have our problems. I was married once befor and was married to a man that was probably the king of wife beaters. I tried to help him get help. I finnaly learned that I could not help him if didn't really want help. I tried to change him. I finally learned that I couldn't change him he had to do that for himself if he wanted to. It sounds like you have been putting more into this marriage than he has. I put more into my current marriage then he does but he has many difficult health problems. We try to work together but sometimes I still fill like I am putting in more. When I get to the point where I feel like he is not putting in anything anymore then I will be time to walk away. It sounds like he has already walked away from you. I don't condone divorce but in some circumstances you just have to walk away before it destroys you. You have your children to look after as well. You need to consider what will be best for them as well. Will the children be better off without the drugs and abuse in their lives??? Don't forget if you do decide to walk away please get the children help. I know that most schools have counselors that will be more than happy to help you and your children deal with this crisis in your family. You might even consider getting them help now. You would be surprised how much children know. Good luck and may God be with you and your family

March 13, 2001
1:26 pm
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Cici
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Annick

Sometimes when they are hding something you really don't want to know. I think complete honesty in a relationship is highly overrated.

I revealed a one-time infidelity to my fiance months ago. It had happened early in our relationship, when we weren't even really exclusive and had not talked about being exclusive (about 1 week after we started dating).

Now I will always regret telling him because every time we have an argument I have to hear about this. It's my penance for being too open. But if I could go back and tell myself anything about the future, it would be to NOT TELL him about this.

March 13, 2001
10:08 pm
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Molly
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I agree, there are some things that others just don't need to know. Watch the action, and ignore the talk. The behavior is the key. When I came back, after the second episode of familiar behavior, I said this is strike one, and you get three strikes, and you might not even know when the second one hits. Well how do I know what to look for or do. I said be a good husband, its my call, and it depends on my mood. I guarentee you one thing, when your dinner is not ready, and my closet is empty, you can bet its strike three.
Sounds arrogant, but at the time I had nothing to loose, and every thing to win, so far its working. But I don't buy into the drama, or crap the way I used to.

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