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Is this healthy sexual behavior? Or is “abnormal?!”
January 31, 2005
2:54 pm
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hopyhoo
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As some of you know, I am steel living with ex for one more moth (he didn’t “see” the need for therapy), he choose to brake up, basically
It is hard to live together; same bed, and not to get arouse, so I know sometimes I bother him, playin.g with him, about “cuddling” etc ,and he end up horny .(to make the history short) he end up going to the Internet and I end up getting arouse looking at him masturbating, ”pretending I am sleep” or “being like his partner in crime” and getting horny at looking what hi is looking “shearing the pics” .There is an underneath problem, that I am treating in therapy; a not “clear “childhood ,and my “curiosity” towards touching a woman in a sensual way.
It is very weird for me and hard and confusing because I never thought my self as being a bisexual, and definitely and issue for my family (and my self) and the way I have being raise. But seems like I get horny WITH THE WRONG PERSON,AT THE WRONG “MATTERIAL”,IN NOT HE BEST SITUATION. But steel happens!!!!!.
And it make me feel uncomfortable ,abnormal …I need some opinions please!!!!!

January 31, 2005
4:32 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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There is nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes which seems to be part of your question. Don't think that you're abnormal for having an attraction cultivated in you, for women, that wasn't there before or that you may not have been aware of.

That being said, the man that you're with probably isn't the healthiest individual in the world. The behavior you describe seems very narcissistic. The fact that he looks at porn after being arroused by you indicates that he would rather avoid the implied intamacy of sexual intercourse.

I strongly suggest that YOU DO NOT try to address the situation with him. The only thing you should be focussing on is getting out of that relationship alive and intact.

January 31, 2005
4:36 pm
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whitelight
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Phalic said it all. This sounds unhealthy and not good for you. Like Oprah says, "Don't settle for crumbs!"

You deserve better.

January 31, 2005
6:57 pm
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hopyhoo
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phalic,please if you are there explaing me more about this: "the man that you're with probably isn't the healthiest individual in the world. The behavior you describe seems very narcissistic. The fact that he looks at porn after being arroused by you indicates that he would rather avoid the implied intamacy of sexual intercourse. "

January 31, 2005
7:03 pm
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hopyhoo
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PHALIC,PLEASE IF YOU ARE HERE EXPLAING ME MORE ABOT THIS"'
the man that you're with probably isn't the healthiest individual in the world. The behavior you describe seems very narcissistic. The fact that he looks at porn after being arroused by you indicates that he would rather avoid the implied intamacy of sexual intercourse. "

January 31, 2005
7:19 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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In some very dangerous personalities, not all but some, the avoidance of sex with another person is also done to avoid emotional intamacy. This is a trait of a Narcissistic Personality.

While he might just be doing what he is doing to avoid sending you the wrong message by sleeping with you some people do the same behavior to avoid intamacy even in relationships that are "intact".

Don't concern yourself with him, unless he is getting violent or abusive, but pay attention to getting out of there. It seems, from what I read, like it is just the end of a relationship and that he's not doing it to be mean.

If he is getting violent with you call the police. If you two can still live under the same roof while breaking up, that's great.

If you are bothered with his behavior you might try avoiding creating arousing situations by cuddling or otherwise. You might also consider moving the computer to another room until you leave.

It is normal for everyone to masturbate. Even people in healthy sexual relationships still masturbate from time to time. From what I read in your initial post it just seems like what he is doing is situational and nothing more.

January 31, 2005
7:29 pm
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hopyhoo
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I think it makes a lot of sense what you said.(also ,the problem is not violence).
But what about my behavior? I do not think that I would like to see him having sex with another woman, but I do consider that exiting and not sure why! (I use to like to put on porn’s for us and while watching, have sex )
Is all this sik?!

January 31, 2005
7:44 pm
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hopyhoo
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also is it more "emotionally safe" to find another person to be intimate with? so i try to pull away from him?(not saying the :best way")

January 31, 2005
8:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Whoah, guys!

We need a lot more information before we label this behavior, much less attempt a diagnosis.

hopyhoo, let me paraphrase what you say is the behavior, and you tell me if I am right.

1) This guy "broke up" with you, but you are still living together and still sleeping in the same bed?

2) He looks at and masturbates to porn on the internet?

3)You like to watch him masturbate, fantasize about him with another woman?

4) You somewhat enjoy looking at porn, also?

5) You get aroused by thinking about women sometimes?

To me, the only problem here is # 1.
The rest of it is normal, and not neccessarily unhealthy.

January 31, 2005
8:04 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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It depends on WHY you want to watch him have sex with another person. That is the key ingredient: Why? If your answer is because it is exciting than WHY is it exciting?

Finding another person may not be the best thing in the world. When a relationship ends both people go through a rebound phase. We have come to know, intamately, the other person and have become ingrained with thoughts, and habits, around those individuals. We need time to reform ourselves so we can adapt to the next individual.

If you were to become involved with another person now that other person would be getting the hopyhoo from the previous relationship and not the hopyhoo who is, in fact, hopyhoo. The best thing is to take some time out for yourself, find the things you are taking from this relationship you're in right now that you want to keep and things that you want to disgard and reconcile yourself.

When people break up it is like two boards, that were previously glued together, that have now been pried apart. Each board has strips that were pulled out of it and has bits and pieces of the other board on it. The board has to be clear of all of those excess pieces and holes before it can be glued to a new one and that takes time.

It's also not fair to the other person.

January 31, 2005
8:28 pm
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hopyhoo
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Worried dad you are awesome!!! You did understand me, quite well and made me laugh!, and explain pretty good too.
But steel concern about number three…I would like to get more feedback about it .
And phallic, I know it wouldn’t be fair…..i knew i….

January 31, 2005
8:59 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Thank you, WD.

January 31, 2005
8:59 pm
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addicts wife
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I dont think too much of this is "abnormal" I do think remaining in the same huose and especially the same bed with someone youve broken up with is a little unhealthy. and its got ot be uncomfortable.
It's normal (to me ) to be attracted to ALL people, male and female, But its becasue the other peson has qualities etc. that i find attractive, sexy, bbeautiful. i guess it depends on how you approach it, what actions you take (IF any.)
You may really just need some "good old quality ALONE time to sort out what you want, what you need, what you want in a relationship, If you want a relationship at this time in your life, ect. take the time to sort out your emotions, expectaions etc. before getting involved, It wouldnt be fair to yourself, or the other(s) until you are CLEAR on what it is you need for yourself.. Ive often said"If i can't stand strong on my own, first, how can Ipossibly stand strong with someone esle??"

January 31, 2005
9:20 pm
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hopyhoo
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WHY!!! If it is not “always real”, the love and intimacy that people feel during intercourse ,so many people fall in that trap??!!!
Why is that common TO LOOK TO FEEL LOVE THOW IT!?
I MISS CUDDELING!!!i wish i had a Puppy,something to relate to;caress,hug,kiss,protect...i do aconsidere my self very affetionate..
(and sime times i confort my self like that..)but it's not really the same...auuuuuch,this hurts!!!

January 31, 2005
9:24 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Why? Because sex is an incredibly intamate and dynamic experience. I'm sorry it hurts, buddy, but I think we've all gone through this. You're not alone.

January 31, 2005
9:41 pm
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hopyhoo
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Ok, so who is to blame for this?!!! I am mad with God!!
Fist depression, then trauma, then abuse and bad choices, then the pain throw love!? WHEN I AM GOING TO FIND SOME LOVE and comfort in my life!!! When is the time!!??

January 31, 2005
9:47 pm
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addicts wife
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maybe instead of looking to blame... look into taking care of YOURSELD , and think about the trust FOr yourself you will have IF you sort it all out first... "Its hard to standstrong with someone else, If you cant stand strong on your own."
It's part of the greiving process to feel all these emotions, yes, but dont use the emotions as an excuse to stay or seek out people who dont treat you right. you'll end up feeling more confused, hurt ,and upset... You will get through this!!!

January 31, 2005
10:37 pm
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Worried_Dad
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hopyhoo,

Let's finish with number three before we get address the mysteries of love and heartache.

Fantasy is a normal part of human sexuality--as long as you are not fantasizing about doing something harmful, enjoy it as just that--a fantasy. You don't have to act on it. It's a movie inside your head--just for you. Enjoy. You don't have to worry about it, understand it or analyze it. We could analyze it, I suppose, but for now just know that your fantasy is a very common one.

You are in a tricky situation and you are hurting right now. Now is a good time to let yourself feel and express your grief and rage. And also to take care of yourself.

I'm not going to offer you false reassurance and tell you that love will surely find you. Love requires a lot of luck, and a lot of work to find and develop and nuture and to keep.

But I can say this: If you just latch onto the next available guy while in your current state, you will be likely to make a bad choice. But when you are taking care of yourself, and have acheived some level of peace and happiness, men will find that attractive.

Meanwhile, gotta do something about the wacky situation you are living in now. What in the world are you two doing living together, much less sleeping in the same bed if you have "broken up?"

If I were you I would have some boundaries and limits here, like no bringing other women home and so forth. I dunno, I just get a weird feeling about this one.

February 1, 2005
1:32 am
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hopyhoo,

You have been given some good solid advice here.

I just want to add one minor point concerning your confusion about your own arousal and sexual interests. Think of it this way, men watch porno all the time right? Often they are watching other guys have sex with women am I correct? In fact, the big deal scenes are the climaxes that focus on guy's body just as closely as the females. Do men apologize for this? They don't seem to think anything of it. But you know what? There have actually been studies where the physical arousal (blood flow to penis, engorgement, etc) has been measured and it was proved that "straight" men are aroused by these images though they may claim not to be.

Though I probably clouded the issue here, what I am trying to say is sexuality is more fluid than black and white. It is curious to me that so many women feel the same way you do- guilty at enjoying the same things men do, and men seem to find indulging in pornography as a rite of passage and a necessary part of their lives. Then again, there is many a man who beats himself up for his homoerotic urges.

There are a lot of reasons that you may have fantasies involving women. But before you go slapping labels on yourself, just remember that your fantasies are yours and yours alone. You aren't hurting anyone by using your imagination.

In my humble opinion, you might just be imagining your guy w/other women because you are afraid to think of yourself that way for some reason. Maybe because he has been so hurtful to you. It's a way of putting distance between you? That's just my arm chair psychology. From experience, when I am have had problems w/my sometimes boyfriend I've had troublesome fantasies too.

Since they have been so persistant, I've figured it out. My boyfriend was a street junkie who did some prostitution. It disgusts me. Yet, when things are bad... I noticed my mind goes there and I picture him with these MEN. I used to think "how sick is that?" Now I give myself a break. That's my subconscious trying to put things in perspective in a weird way. I don't care about it anymore. I know he would though. But my thoughts are my own. Would a guy apologize for thinking of two women together? Hell no!

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to share. I don't know if it means anything to you.

Hope you feel better.
-ella

February 1, 2005
3:08 pm
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kathygy
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hopy, I wonder why you are still living and sharing a bed with this man after you have broken up. It is not good for you and causes you pain and confusion. It seems to me that your first order of business is to move out or kick him out so you can get on with your life and have a chance to find someone who will love you back.

February 1, 2005
10:38 pm
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hopyhoo
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you might just be imagining your guy w/other women because you are afraid to think of yourself that way for some reason.
Mzirella, there is some true on that, because of the way I’ve been raised; basically living throw him my sexual desire ,it is in my mind more “acceptable” …
About why we steel live together, I depend on him financially he has being helping me a lot (the problem is that I believe we are codependents, we carry a lot of issues in our relationship, I believe in counseling as the best way to better thing and he doesn’t, so we decided to split up) I want somebody that is not afraid to better him self; is not abuse really the stronger concern. and also I like that I get to talk to him about the sexual issues like friend and feels good ,at least that part….

February 1, 2005
10:45 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Hey, Hopyhoo, I know you're going through a lot but I can tell you're getting better. Hang in there. Keep working on getting out of there. Just wanted to let you know.

February 1, 2005
10:57 pm
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hopyhoo
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you might just be imagining your guy w/other women because you are afraid to think of yourself that way for some reason.
Mzirella, there is some true on that, because of the way I’ve been raised; basically living throw him my sexual desire ,it is in my mind more “acceptable” …
About why we steel live together, I depend on him financially he has being helping me a lot (the problem is that I believe we are codependents, we carry a lot of issues in our relationship, I believe in counseling as the best way to better thing and he doesn’t, so we decided to split up) I want somebody that is not afraid to better him self; is not abuse really the stronger concern. and also I like that I get to talk to him about the sexual issues like friend and feels good ,at least that part….

February 1, 2005
11:01 pm
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hopyhoo
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Actually, I just got a very good job offer that will make me at least financially (v .important to move on)but steel would like to explore “that” part with him. for a while…

February 1, 2005
11:18 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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I'm the first guy to advocate sexual exploration but are you sure you should be doing it with him? It's up to you. Just be careful and know what you're getting into and getting out of it.

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