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is this controlling behavior or not
September 22, 2009
4:23 pm
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robbie2007
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I work in my brother/father's businesses. lately every day my mom has been coming around lunch time to go for a walk with me. (she does not actually work here but my father does)

sometimes when she gets here, my father is in the art room, or his office, and she goes to say hi and talk to him for a few minutes before we go on our walk. But sometimes he is across the street in another building with my brother.In that case we just go for our walk.

so yesterday when she arrived, he wasnt around so we just went for our walk. She had come from a store where she bought some paint for him and had put it his car before we left. When we got back, he was gone. We figured he went home to paint.

Today she told me they got in a pretty heated argument last night because she didnt see him first. she said she looked in the art room and then his office and he basically called her a liar and said he was in there. He also said he had to get the paint out of her car himself when she had already put it in his car. He was so angry about it. And because I know my father and "the way he is" I feel like he wants her to report to him when she gets here. and if he isnt easily found, she should go looking all over until she "checks in."

I am wondering if this is controlling behavior, borderline controlling, or something else? I really want to know the truth. If your opinion is that it is NOT controlling behavior thats what I want to know even tho its obvious what I think.

Thank You, Robbie

September 22, 2009
4:33 pm
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Shaney
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I wouldn't consider it controlling at all if he would have said, "I look forward to seeing you in the afternoons when you come to walk with robbie2007. So make sure you stop in to say hi!"

I'm not sure what his intentions were, but could he have just had a bad day and snapped at her? Or is this typical behavior? What does your mom think?

September 22, 2009
4:51 pm
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robbie2007
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it could be both (he had a bad day and snapped) and typical behavior. the problem with that is that he is unpredictable. something may be ok one time, and then the next time it isnt.

he has other controlling behaviors ( i think) such as, if he is going to watch tv, mom has to watch tv even if she would rather read a book. she also has to watch whatever he likes and she can never watch something if he doesnt like it.

she often times has to tell him where she is going and when she'll be home and if she is more than a minute or two late he gets angry.

if he calls her and she doesnt answer he starts calling all the kids to find out where mom is. sometimes she is vacuuming and just didnt hear the phone. for gods sake she brings the phone in the bathroom with her in case he calls her.

but, regardless of these other behaviors - i was thinking about the incident and just wondered if it was an issue of control or not.

now that i think about it, maybe it isnt. i think its just confusing when its ok one time and not the next. and also the fact that he didnt just ask her why she didnt see him. he was very angry about it.

September 22, 2009
4:59 pm
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atalose
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I wouldn’t say its controlling behavior or even borderline controlling behavior as much as you reading into this situation between your parents and coming to your own conclusion HE wants HER to report to him when she gets there.

Controlling behavior would be him stating to her that she MUST report to him first.

It sounds more like your dad was in a bad mood, possible your mother got on his case about NOT painting and he became defensive, what ever the reason it’s not yours to worry about unless his wrath is at you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 22, 2009
5:16 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Unless it is a problem for her it isn't a problem.

Bitsy

September 22, 2009
5:22 pm
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atalose
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I think I posted when you posted your reply robbie.

Your mother allows him to be that way. She makes a choice to watch HIS TV show and not hers. She makes a choice to answer to him and walk on egg shells.

Those are HER choices; you have your own choices aside from hers when it comes to dealing with your father.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 24, 2009
11:55 am
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StronginHim77
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Yes, I believe that your dad is "controlling;" however, your mother allows it, so it is what it is.

Nothing you can really say or do about it. Only your mother can decide that.

- Ma Strong

September 24, 2009
4:23 pm
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sleepless in uk
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I think it is controlling and I think maybe your mother has spent so many years walking on eggshells she doesn't even fully realise it. If they have been married a long time they will have established patterns that 'work' for them. Except maybe it doesn't work so well for your mother but she doesn't know how to change it. Many of us have been there and can recognise that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you have displeased your partner.

But unless your mother can acknowledge it and take steps to change things, it will probably remain as the elephant in the living room. I know, because I was once your mother and my children were you, seeing, questioning, wondering.

I hope you can gently help your mother see that she is valuable as a person in her own right if that is an issue. But, it is true that before things will change, your mother will need to see that things are not working for her. If she is ready, maybe she will and there are lots of tiny baby steps she can take to change her situation. If not, then you will just have to accept that as being her choice and concentrate on yourself.

I really, really wish you both well, and think your mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter (?)

Good luck

September 25, 2009
11:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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robbie - I think at first glance, it is controlling (without really knowing all of the details) - since you are there, your gut seems to say it is.....yet, since you love your parents, you don't seem to want to believe it.

either way - it's between THEM - it seems your mom allows him to behave like he does - and tho you or I may not approve - it is what it is and nobody can change it.

my dad, the alcoholic, treats my mom like shit - and tho I don't approve - it's HER marriage - and there is nothing I can do to change it - tho I REALLY did spend many years trying to convince her to leave him. Now, I just let it be....it's her battle to fight, if she chooses - and she doesn't....nothing I can do.

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