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Is this Codependency?
February 21, 2005
9:10 am
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angel without wings
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I think my boyfriend is codependent - but i'm not sure. He'll joke around CONSTANTLY about me and pick on me and say things sarcastically like - you're supposed to do what i tell you - that's how this is gonna work - you're supposed to clean and i sit and watch TV, that's how it is. And on and on and on. He'll be nice and loving some days and then for no reason he'll go into this phase of saying something about everything little thing i wear and say and do. If i knock something over that was on the floor - he'll smirk and make fun of me. If i don't turn my turn signal on exactly at the right time - he says something sarcastic like - good use of the turn signal. I mean just everything thing i do he's got a comment for. If i try to go in another room or spend time on myself he gets pouty because i'm not spending all my energy on him. Anyway, it's exhausting day in and day out taking up for myself. And i do take up for myself. I'll say - don't say that. Or that's not funny or that hurts my feelings, don't say that. But it doesn't work - he just does it more, like it's this great game. I hate it and it makes me feel exhausted and makes me feel bad about myself. I don't understand why he acts like this and i don't know what to do about it. What do you guys think?? Is he codependent? How can i counteract his words? Should i deal with him differently? Should i be meaner to him or more distant?

February 21, 2005
11:57 am
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angel without wings
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here's an example - just now he came up to get the keys (we work at the same company) because i'm going to work through lunch. He asked me if i wanted anything while he was out. I said yes and could he get me some McDonalds (that happens to be 2 seconds down the road). He just looked at me like i'd asked him to drive to California and back and said we'll see and started to walk away. I said - no, i really want some McDonalds - here's some money. He took the money and said we'll see. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not (i can't ever tell). He said you want Mcnuggets and a drink? I said yep. Then he just walked away shaking his head like i was the biggest burden ever. So of course, i come out of this conversation feeling like a burden and feeling like i don't matter. Some days he's really nice and willing to meet me in the middle and then others he acts like this. I don't understand??? And i'm really tired of feeling this way.

February 21, 2005
12:19 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi Angel:

Your boyfriend sounds like a smartass to me. I say that coz my hubby is a smartass most the time and used to do exactly to me what you are goin thru. I finally had to set him down and tell him just how hurt he made me feel. He blew it off the first time, but the second time I got my point across. There is teasing and then there is hurtful teasing. That is hurtful. Anyway, I am hoping he is just playing in an insensitive jerk type of way and will stop if you ask him to. If he does not, why stay. If he doesn't want to stop do you want to live with that? I can tell you for me it sure took my self-esteem down so many notches I was in tears when he'd even speak to me. Don't let it go that far. Stand up to him. As for him being codependent? The home page here has an area w/ the symptoms, etc. You need to make that determination yourself.

February 21, 2005
12:26 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Angel: Does your bf do or say things that make you feel good? If not, I would think about why you want to stay w/ him. Love relationships aren't supposed to make you feel badly and if this is all yoou're getting, why stay? As for if he is codependent, I think that maybe you should think about what YOU are getting out of this relationship and if this is what you want to keep getting. Are your needs being fulfilled?

February 21, 2005
12:44 pm
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angel without wings
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I think you both are exactly right - that i should consider what my needs are and if they are being fulfilled, but i don't know what my needs are. I've been on a self discovery kick lately that's been working really well and i thought it was helping my relationship too, but then he acts like this. I'm having trouble trying to figure out what it is that i want. I love him and he makes me very happy - but then other times, seems to be when he feels bad about himself - he brings me down. It's all very confusing. I decided i'm going to start working out in the mornings and spending some time on me to figure out what my needs and wants are - i've sort of forgotten what they are. We've been together for 4 years and i think that's why it's so confusing. We spent most of the weekend together and he was real nice and we had alot of fun. I think he is definitely a smartass - and i think maybe i should try putting him in his place. Most of the time i say stuff back, but i keep it in that same sarcastic tone that he uses. So he probably doesn't know how much it bothers me.

February 21, 2005
2:44 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I think you have a plan there angel. I think you are on the right track. It's a start anyway. Come back and talk if ya need to, or just if ya want to also.

February 21, 2005
6:04 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"I think my boyfriend is codependent - but i'm not sure."

It looks like you are codependent instead. Codependents typically have a hard time asserting themselves and getting their needs met.

You might read the following article and see if it rings a bell for you:

http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/fa.....ets/43.cfm

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