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is this abuse or insanity?! from H
January 21, 2005
7:47 pm
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hopyhoo
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Jan 21 2005
I am very sentimental to day, I am trying to understand how can I hurt so much, from watching bays on TV, pick up the ”promise ring” that he gave for my birthday ,riding my bike ,alone…just walking at the mall…
Trying lately to see beyond the tip of the iceberg, because I know that I hurt too much when it comes to my love life.
My first memory should be when I was about three years old; I didn’t want to be separate from my Mom. And despite my desperate crying she left me in this place where they take care kids before Kinder; I cried so much that she came to pick me up but was upset at me because of it (I felt so desperate that day my life, as I felt did depend on her, was an horrendous experience)
In kinder, nuns school, it was really frightening for me I felt that they didn’t’ care, I felt ax elated from the “others”, very lonely…and even a that time I remember overwhelming sadness whit certain kind of whether. Now, I know the impact of my childhood experience in my life because my parents didn’t know rest. I was going throw depression. From thus days I remember being something like punish because I pull out my panties or somebody panties, remember being two, do not remember the consequences, or how did I have that behavior so young…(that was in kinder)
One time remember being at Rosie? House and her grand pa did something, but my moms don’t think believed me.
(I remember that one of the “values” surrounding my family was being sexy and attract sexual attention, even thought for mom sex was prohibited for kids to know about it, so how come I became so into it?!!. Remember feeling ashamed of my self, dirty, different from other people, carrying a secret…and raising my self there was no assistance from any body, I felt, nobody to relate to or feel secure with. I felt spatially sensitive…daydreaming, a loner .
I was looking for sexual contact when I allowed my self, because I knew” it was an awful thing” (according to mom) in my neighbors house we use to play doctor, and I felt more “different” because I was the one to initiate that kind of game! It looks like I was a pretty “awaken child” in a shameful way.
Couldn’t tell anybody, I was feeling like a monster! Having that curiosity! So uncomfortable!.
One day I end up in my Pediatric Doctor, Rios, Mi first gynecologic “exploration”(to my private and also awe full world, now she is going to know! was my terrifying feeling,)nit only that! She was looking at my private parts with out regards of how awful and ash aiming and terrifying the experience was! With out PROTECTING ME!!!!!I FELT SOO VIOLATED!!! SO OPENLY HUMILIATED!!SOO MUCH ANGER!
So unprotected…that I wanted to grab a cortapapeles knife shaped and stab not sure who, because, in my mind I couldn’t allow my self to get really angry with my mom! Damage was done .My mom ,from more and less that episode, was ripped from my guts…I felt many times not part of the family or not deserving to be in there, I didn’t have support or a word from anybody to try to put my self together from that…I felt an stranger living “WITH THOWS PEOPLE”…Really out of my mind ,I star living in some kind of alter world where some times I came back and share “good moments” in family because I needy it and because I didn’t wanted to cause problems and feeling even more different!. Mi connection with them was during traveling , Parties , pizza in bed, sometime playing with my brothers, but always feel ‘REJECTED”,I guess I was also spoiled some how, and didn’t have coping skills or idea of relationships or how to relate to others and trust .
One time I visited my grandma, Ahidee, I was playing with some neighbors, a girl my age and her little bit older brother start playing with us and chasing me around the house. I remember feeling exited, latter and scare at he same time, I did perceive like it was getting intense, and I lock my self in the bathroom, more scare now, I manage to pinch his hands and run. I told my grandma, she said it was my fault for playing with the boy (I shut up…because I knew that I had that fantasy, excitement, of being chase and felt so guilty)
My mom used to do charity for female orphans with the Dance shows she presented, for my small town, she was very charismatic and popular very attractive woman, with the perfect marriage and family, ( I do have to give them credit, they adore each other until to day, never apart) and gave us a sensation of a very stable marriage and family, we were very dependent on them, and truly happy many time spatially in vacations ,I did adore that .I got to have their attention ,but not really intimacy (there was something missing that still to day I feel guilty of pointing out because I don’t know what it was…actually remembering a vacation after my brother accident ,(I was10 he was 6)
We just moved to this enormous house my parent constructed and the ruff was not finish yet and we were playing (escaping from our two nanas) and he fell, I was terrified, dad will kill me!!! We use to get hit by the belt when behaving badly .My dad, is a very sensitive man he couldn’t hit us for any reason but beside that, this one was a life treating one, that’s what I thought…guilty and silence was all over me…in my innocence, I can’t eve say that right now, I wanted to make him to shut up…it was horrible the pain he was in I can not imaging anybody enduring such a pain! Rush to the hospital waiting for my parents, didn’t talked to me (now I understand that my brother was having seizures, because he broke a few bones in his head and the swelling produced the seizures, and of course my parents rush to see him desperately) he even went to coma and came back a few times…) Remember being I the bed beside my brother in the Hospital, and pretending to be sleepy, I was so cold like already I left my body, I was desolate… I am very nervous recalling this right now…angry, extremely angry! Anxious! i start to obsess with my skin ,hurting my self compulsively (not at this moment but I got to burn my face with acid ,cut my “labia” by my self ,it’ll I ended in the Hospital embarrassing my self for what I done and receiving injections “in there” so they can stitch and stop the bleeding ,cut my wrist ,drag my own blood, take pills starve to death almost…throw the years ,of course I was not eating right ,they continuing ignoring all the signs ,I couldn’t think clearly…Depression ,hate, more mistakes,” more God was wrong in having me. No matter how much I prayed ,I didn’t got any comfort from nothing and nobody ,I was not able to rest any more ,it was more clear that I was living an alter life somewhere in my head…I didn’t know what was all this (post ,traumatic disorder + Depression)but Mental diseases was “the malaria” that any family can have, so they choose to be blind and they DENY ME, “They never like me anyway , I always cause problems”, I got quistic inflammatory acne in my entire face , just to people confirm “that I was a monster!”
I touched, improperly at 10; a six year old girl and then my cousin, and some young neighbors, I was feeling this urges, that even to day I don’t know how to attribute to what!! I was dapperly wanting to die and afraid of it and blameworthy ‘FOR BEING BORN LIKE THIS” WITH ALL THIS!!”
I never thought I would survive throw that, I have being in a hospital for a month and half, there sill were no answers, just prove to incapacitate me more, and more ax late from the world. Basically a lost case, no future. What kind of life can I have after this?
I was just born in the wrong side of the society .The Leprosies” ,poor them, people don’t want to know about them, don’t talk about it and denigrate them …that’s how I felt .And again ,I guess my parents where in shock because they wouldn’t do much, they didn’t know what to think or say…(THAT WAS THE FILOSOFY FOR MENTAL DESEASES IN MY COUNTRY ANYWAYS ) .
So from all of this, how do I get to be codependent?!
I am sorry for all of this…I needed it to vent….

January 21, 2005
8:01 pm
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lostinthismess
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i thnk it would be a great thing for you to find a one on one counselor to help you with these issues. I wish you the best

January 21, 2005
8:08 pm
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hopyhoo
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well i diden't tell the end...
i separate my self from ,family and country and continued to try to understand what happend and become more healthy.To day,i am takeing antidepressant and going counselling and getting to rescue the little hopy that was lost loooong time ago and getting to really know me...

January 21, 2005
10:46 pm
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on my way
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hopy, so gald you shared everything that you could remember here. You have some very deep feelings about what happened to you. It helps to vent, and go back and write about your life as you have done here. Does anything at all stand out for you about what you wrote? Your feelings are very importantand they matter...but more importantly you matter, ok? I can relate to having feelings minimized,,still happens by family members...some are codependent, as they are in denial or have a sense of over-responsiblity, so my feelings growing up were left for me to figure out as well. As you, I did NOT make waves, or cause any more stress than was already there. So, here we are as adults, dealing with this mess, right? So we are codependent, because we believed what we were told, and still do...and feel we need others to validate us? Seek approval, we are not ok by ourselves? I don't know if you feel this way...I used to, ok? What I mean is, I went through the 12 Step program, found out more about who I was, who I am now, and how to know what I can change and what I can't...The Serenity Prayer, do you know it yet? I am not totally well..but I know I am not alone, and neither are you...you will be ok, try to find a CODA group or a 12 Step group. And, do you believe in God? This helps more than anything.. God is awesome, always there for you, when womeone else is not, or even when you may not be there for yourself...at least these are my beliefs, do not mean to shove anythign down your throat. So yes, you have had arough road, but you can get through the rest of your life..ok?

January 22, 2005
4:20 am
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hopyhoo
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Tank you very much on my way I even thought that they will cancel my post because of the things that I wrote in there, but I am very glad you answer.

January 22, 2005
7:41 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hopyhoo,

I'm sorry you suffered so much pain as a child. How old are you now?

I am so proud that you are getting counseling and working on healing yourself. Good for you!

I'm glad you didn't erase your post. it is so important that you speak what you feel and get it all out. You post any time you want.

January 22, 2005
10:59 am
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hopyhoo
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mamacinnamon ,i am 29,

January 22, 2005
12:06 pm
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hopyhoo
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Well I have some more..
My grandfather, mom, side; was known as being handsome and having affairs (in my small gossiping city) My grandmother was a very funny, sweet woman dedicate to her three children¡¦s, and with a good character trying to manage to go throw the marriage.(at that time Divorce was not really an option)His older son, cheater ,and up dieing from a hart attack ,in a Motel, ¡¨doing it¡¨, with a young woman (in all of this kind of behavior in my family ,believe it or not ,was a prove of ¡§manhood¡¨, including, molesting the maids, taking the young son to become a ¡§man¡¨ with a prostitute ,one therapist that interview my mom think that my grandpa did molested my mom some how ,because of ¡§her little girl voice¡¨, her oddness towards sex etc;(in this book from Pia Mellody ¡§Facing Love Addiction¡¨ she describes so well!! Something that I knew some how! In my intuition¡Kparents transmit things to their children no necessarily with actions or words, I do no how to explain, But I WAS ALLWAYS THE ONE that was investigating, questioning things in the family.. questioning my parents, ¡¨that idea that they were thing hidden from me¡¨, you know? ,like something doesn¡¦t¡¦¡¦ seems right!??!!(My parent, between them, Thank you Lord!!! where trying to form something totally different from what they saw in they families; one less trauma for me!.)
So for them..I was always the one ¡§that has problems¡¨. I become ¡¥THE WOMAN¡¦S RIGHT ADVOCATE¡¨ in my way of course, because I was disgust!!! With the way women were perceived in my society, were I was born)
I become extra careful and repulsive toward that ideas, affected my older brother, compulsive cheater and, to me, sex addict)I become ,fixate (on top of all the problems that I was carrying with me)with the idea of distrust, and that will never happened to me)
I fell madly in love, he cheated, gave me an std (T.God!,I am cured now),got me pregnant, have to abort(I wanted it ,but was taking Accutane ,for the acne thing)in that small city¡Kthey were laughing at me!, in my face!. Te point is: they were blaming on me!!!!!,¡¨ women carry al the shame!!! Was so ridiculous!!! M.F!! city!!!(I said the city because I sill don¡¦t know who to blame for it)
But well, I did, saw God¡¦s hands finally last year, when they didn¡¦t want to take me in ,at the Hospital, ¡¨because I was not feeling sick enough¡¨(suicidal,; that¡¦s why I was there I to prevent that!) So I continued, literally, knocking doors until, I thought ¡§God in Person¡¨ open the door. This lady (Drƒº) was so dedicate so see how she can ¡§make the system¡¨ to work for me the best! I got attention the same day! ; it didn¡¦t stop there, I found an Amazing therapist, also very devote ,I can say to, my recuperation and got to charge me the minimum she was able to.
So Some how, I think that ,¡§the Big, Kind ,Old Mama, Up There¡¨ may have some plans for my life¡KLOL.
Thans for listening....
and thanks for being there..love ,Hopy

January 22, 2005
12:15 pm
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on my way
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Hi hopy, your language, I don't know where you are from, but it is even an inspiration for me to read the way you write, your ability to try to overcome your past, and the strength that you have to do so! By the way, if you keep going forward with this, what an awesome testimony you will have to share with others as well. All of our life experiences help one another. And, your past does not necessarily define who you are now. You are still young, and have your whole life ahead of you. It takes courage, will power, intelligence to even overcome the cultural inflictions from your country as well...this is admirable! You can still love your family even though you do not agree with them too. And sounds like you are setting boundaries for yourself as well. Good for you!

January 22, 2005
2:43 pm
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hopyhoo
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on my way...ho my GoD!,If you just knew how wonderfull you made my day?!

January 22, 2005
7:22 pm
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on my way
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Well I am glad to know that you are feeling better, and that something that is said above may have opened a door for you! 🙂

January 22, 2005
9:48 pm
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hopyhoo
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Well I was planning in going dancing with my friend f (female) after I said no, to an invitation from my ex (who is living with me).While I was taking a shower, I was thinking that I was doing it as another codependent behavior because I’ll be distracting my self from connecting with my issues and eventually begin to fantasize, with the guys I see; Honestly “gritting ready” for nothing!!! Because I am in the very beginning of my recovery, and I do not have new tools to relate and start something healthier.
But well, my friend cancel, And that sucks!!! Because the other part of me, “was very in to it!” and not only that, I have to say at home ALONE! .(and I didn’t get to the part where “I can satisfy my self” or what to do when you have the need!)
It is a serious joke . LOL

January 23, 2005
2:58 pm
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hopyhoo
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am walking in the darkness …it was cloudy to day, and I was feeling depress (it a very horrible sensation, accompanied with a very lonely feeling that seems to take my to an alter way of perceiving life, I am alive , but ,my “experiencing” life like this, is very painful(depression it is a wired thing)

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