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is there one true love??
March 28, 2000
10:40 am
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holly2001
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Hi friends, long time no talk. My question is, is there one true love of your life, and what if you had it and let it go? I think that may have happened to me, but I was too blind to see it, and now I'm married to someone else. My husband is great and I love him, but I know in my heart he will never be the love of my life. I am so sad to think I may have had it and lost it forever. If I really wanted to I could probably get the other one back, but what a chance to take! I could lose what I have, which is good, and end up with nothing again, or I could be truly happy and be one of the lucky few who get a second chance. I'm still young (well, 29) and I don't want to go through life wondering if I've made the biggest mistake there is - to be apart from my one true love. He is not perfect by any means, but looking back I believe he might be "it". What should I do? Am I a hopeless romantic? How long do I "try" to make my marriage work? How much do I have to give up in order to keep my vows? Is there such a thing as a mistake that can be fixed without being a terrile "sin" (I'm not religious) if you really know it's never going to be anything more than "OK"? I think my husband may feel the same way. We rushed into marriage and now our differences are painfully obvious. HELP!!!
Holly

March 28, 2000
11:17 am
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janes
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Ah...how bittersweet...to look at that "lost love" Know just what you mean. Remember also..the grass is always greener...or appears to be. It may be the rose colored glasses we look backward with.

Thinkg is ...if you decide to not try and make present husband love of your life he never will be.

Saw an interesting program on arranged marriages recently. I didn't realize that this concept of "romantic love" is european and american. Many many cultures think we are NUTS!!!

Is there one true love. I don't think so. My husband says yes. I think any relationship is what you make it and when the bloom of infatuation, love, lust etc. dies away every relationship is one that needs to be worked on.... true love or not.

I decided in my case to make my "true love" my "true friend" if in the course of human evants another "chance " comes along so be it.

But what good are vows - promises-- religious or not if we don't stick to them.?

Life is always changing and moving. Sure if things were different.... they would be different. Better? probly not in the way you think. And...since you have married someone else the "old relationship" can never be what it once was... as you have moved past that spot. You (we) wan't stick our foot in the same river twice.

Maybe neither one of these men is your "true love"... maybe that one is still in your future?

What ever your choice your life is yours to live, to make happy or to make sad. You can see it as you wish.

You do need to talk to your husband about this. .. if he is feeling the same way... and wants to save it or call it quits.

good luck.

March 28, 2000
2:03 pm
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BROC
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holly-

Has been a long time, but recognize the name.

Funny you bring up this subject, as I went to a seminar last night for two hours by a female P H D who talked for two hours about this very thing.

I won't bore you with all the details, but she said many things I had heard before....you probably have too, here, or maybe in books, therapy perhaps.

Her bottom line is this. We attract the familiar. Over and over and over again. We are magnets for it. The problem is that we are unaware this is happening...that is why we do it over and over and over again, getting the same, usually shitty, results. IT NEVER WORKS.

SO, we have one of two choices. ONE, if we arent in a relationship, to not get into one UNTIL we figure out ourselves. WHY are we attracted to the same men/woman over and over? That is our issues. When we figure that out, we can then go out and meet a different type of person (healthier) because we are healthier...we have CHANGED ourselves thus changing our pattern. OR, TWO, if we are in a relationship now, to basically do the same thing, ONLY both partners need to do some therapy to find out what each others issues are, and then seperately work on them. When this is done, and only when this is done, BY BOTH, can a relationship work. IT TAKES TWO, that is the key.

Now, heres the kicker. Usually when this happens, most find that they aren't interested in their partner anyway, even when they clean out the issues. THATS BECAUSE THE ISSUES YOU EACH CLEANED OUT WERE THE VERY THING THAT ATTRACTED YOU TWO IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND NOW THAT THEY ARE GONE, THE ATTRACTION IS GONE.

So, she told us to follow the path that calls us. If your partner is willing to work with you to find the reasons your marriage is bending, then that is great. But if he/she isn't willing, then use it as a learning experience for your next relatinship....taking into account your codependency doesn't keep you in a dead end relatinship.

Does this make sense? I hope so. I don't know how many times I have heard this, but it just goes to show you how true it is.

I asked the same questions you ask now about a year ago. The answer I got was no, there isn't just one true love. There are many, so long as you are healthy and right with YOU. Then YOU will choose much better partners. As for the old flame. Its like Janes said, the grass is only greener. I think what she meant by that was, on a deeper level, that once the europhia of the newness wears off, and the work starts, you mind races all over the place trying to find its fix again..... the "attraction" it once had. You know the one I'm talking about. 10 to 1 that you hook up with the ex, sure, it will be out of sight. But in the END, it will be the same. They always are, and I think you know this. But we humans, I think, are lazy by nature. We would rather have that quick fix then work for it. The lady last night said a marriage will ONLY work if both are on the same page, both are healthy, and both are willing to really work at it.

Anyway, thats my two cents. I belive it because I have heard it a hundred times from a hundred sources.

What could a few trips to the therapist hurt? Do a little probing into your pyche. You might just be amazed at what you find.

B-

March 28, 2000
2:26 pm
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eve
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Hi Holly,

I'm not a believer in one great love of a lifetime. In my experience a relationship can be wonderful, if and only if both people involved want to be in it and are willing to work on it. You kind of have to let go of some of your "what if.."s, jump in and make yourself at home whith yourself and your partner.

You find yourself full of hesitation and you are avoiding to think about your relationship, you prefer to dream about the other would-be one. Why? I don't believe that it's the other man (the one you think would have been better). There is something you and / or your partner don't like about your present situation. You should try to find out what it is and decide to work on it, or terminate your relationship. Looking for the greener grass on the other side is a certain way into unhappyness.

How long have you been married, do you have children? Please take care and don't hurt yourself by dreaming selfdestructive dreams.
Eve

March 28, 2000
4:04 pm
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holly2001
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Thanks all, I can see that you are all right about the grass being greener, things never being the same as they once were with ex-people, and problems in the marriage being masked by dreaming about old lovers. But how do you get those feelings to go away? I am so scared that I will find out that my husband and I truly aren't compatible and that no amount of work will change that. I don't want that, but deep down I feel it's true. He is probably content just to go on and use each other for companionship, a warm body and to not be alone or "out there" in the dating world again. But is that good enough, and how do you make something out of what appears to be nothing? Don't get me wrong, I do truly love my husband as a person, friend, companion. But "in love" I don't know if we really ever were, and compatible, I really doubt in the long run. Isn't it true that you can't change your (or anyone else's) true nature? He is always going to want to be social and spend money on big toys and worry about appearances and watch sports. I am always going to crave quiet, outdoors, family, simplicity, flower gardens, frugality. How do you deal with that? I know I should have been more "alert" to all this, but you know how lust is and the strong desire to "catch" the one you believe to be "it", and you know how blinding it can be. I am truly amazed at my mind's ability to fool me, even though I consider myself reasonably intelligent! I feel like I've really gotten myself into a big mess that I'm not capable of dealing with other than by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. But the fact that my ex is able to stir up so many thoughts and feelings in me so easily seems to be a big red flag that my marriage is not that strong. I can clearly imagine myself going back to him and having a happily ever after, but I know that is probably just a delusion created by my strained psyche to protect me from the real pain. Maybe therapy is worth another try, but I feel judged because of my feelings of attraction to someone that's not my husband. As Chevy Chase once said, "this is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!"

March 28, 2000
4:30 pm
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BROC
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holly!

re-read my post. maybe you did and either didn't understand what I was saying, or didn't agreee.

But your last post seems just like the first. The partners we have chosen are a result of OUR OWN ISSUES. Not two buts about it. Like I said earlier, the only thing that draws us to these people is the dysfucntional qualities they display. they are "comfortable" to us. Simple really when you think about it. Look around, its EVERYWHERE. The reason you didn't see it earlier was that you didn't want too. You did see all the things you do know, but rationalized it away. He won't always watch tv, or spend money on toys. This or that. WE ALL DO IT, and once you get into your recovery, you will learn this about you.

As for your question on whether you can change your true nature, YES you can. You can not change anyone else, BUT you can change you. IT takes a lot of work. First, you have to find out what the EXACT problem is. A therapist is great for this. Self help books aren't enough based on my research because we 1, don't know enought about our humanness to find the defect in character, and 2, you can never be totally unbiased about yourself.

Like I saidd. You have two choices. Stay, or leave. I promise you no matter what you decide, you life will never get any better and probably worse if you don't get some help for you. That is a promise. Until you figure out you, and why you do the things you do, and your hubby does for him too, your relatinship will remain the same. Thats just common sense. And if it remains the same, well, you know what you will get.

Boy, I can't tell you how much better life is when you get into recovrey. It is truley awesome, but took me almost to the point of death to make me see I HAD TO CHANGE.

I heard a saying once that is so common sense, put practically noone does. If nothing changes, nothing changes. In other words, you situation in life WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER change unless you do. You can get a new job, inherit millioons, sleep with your ex, WHATEVER you can imagine. AND YOU WILL STILL BE YOU!

I hope you listen to the free advice I had to pay thousands for. It really is true, and easy to do once you make up your mind. You sound like a bright young woman full of potential.

Broc

March 29, 2000
7:22 am
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janes
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Holly ever wonder how some old people stay married for 50 60 70 years?

My parents have been...married for 50.

It is the old shoe concept. and the concept of romantic love sort loses its glamor when there is a life (or lives) to be lived.

What's wrong with the comfort of a warm body who has your best interest at heart even though when you see him walk in the door your knees don't go weak. What would we accomplish in this life if our knees were always giving out?

Reread all the posts to you here. The answers are here already!!

It's okay with us if you leave or stay. but you need to do it with the understanding that...the old lover with the problems could become the "new lover with the PROBLEMS.

Fix you...see if your mate wants to try too. If not, move on.

but i bet if you went back to the old one you would end up unhappy too. I think cuz you are looking for the wrong sttuff. Movies and tv relationships are not what life is all about.

March 29, 2000
7:27 am
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everblue
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Hi Holly,

I think you already agreed with everyone, but I just wanted to throw in my input - there is NONONONONO one true love. If you trap yourself in that sort of thinking, you will NEVER be happy. Watch Ally Macbeal for a good example of that. NO, just kidding. My life is a better example, but it's not syndicated (thank God).... anyway convincing yourself that one person from your past is "the one" will only lead to heartache, depression, stress, and making your marriage impossible. Do whatever you can to forget the other guy. If your marriage needs work, the reasons are probably completely separate from this other guy. When it starts working, you'll find you won't think of the other guy. When you do, remind yourself of all the reasons you aren't with him...what he did wrong, his faults, why you broke up in the first place...chances are those things are all still the same, but have faded in your memory with time. Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck.

March 29, 2000
10:10 am
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Cici
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I'm studying romantic love in my social psych class! Talk about zeitgeist.

Here's what I learned. 63% of marriages end in divorce or separation. The majority of these happen within the first 6 years of marriage, with the largest proportion falling between the second and third year.

The concpet of romantic love is not new. It exists in all cultures, although many eastern and middle eastern culture put more value on economic and family-status compatibilty. My mom, who is asian, always told me never to marry for love. She said marry someone who is good-looking, loyal, who will make a good father and be a good provider. Love comes after that. What a foreign concept to the Western mind!

Also, in long-term studies conducted on couples who stay married, their perceived level of hapiness always declines. Depressing? Not really. Real love (notice I didn't say "true" love) is dynamic. It grows and changes with the couple. Everyone always says the key to a good relationship is communication, but about 70% of relationships on't involve real communication.

Here's something to think about. What is communication to you and your husband? It is not talking about mortgage payments. It is not talking about your mutual friends. It is NOT talking about your children. It is the exchange of information about how you feel about the relationship and how you think he feels, and vice versa. This exchange should take place daily, honestly, openly. To stop communicating is a death sentance to any relationship.

That's what you can do to be happy with your husband. Absnece does make the heart grow fonder. We forget that when getting back together with an ex, the same issues that tore you apart are still there. They will always be there.

The thing is this. The majority of couples who enter counceling together end up getting divroced or separated anyway. The rest end up dealing with the same issues over and over again. A therapist can't teach you to communicate and be open and honest. You teach yourself.

Love doesn't last. Passion doesn't last. Commitment, honesty, equality, loyalty, support. Those things last.

March 29, 2000
1:06 pm
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holly2001
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March 29, 2000
1:18 pm
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holly2001
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Oops, I forgot how this works.
Now, thank you all again for so many words of wisdom. I really don't want to learn it all the hard way. You are right, the problems are with me and my marriage, and the ex is just my mind seeking something that "seems" better. I have forgotten the old stuff about him, but I know it's still there, even though he's really hot.
But I still have doubts and worries about my husband. He is 25, I am 29. That is an eternity for maturity, experience, and just living on your own! He's still so far behind, it's like I have to teach him about finances and relationships and everything! No, we don't communicate at all. Every time I try, it turns out he's somewhat unhappy too, but it seems like it's mostly based on our present situation (bad place, bad jobs) that is causing the discontent. But in my opinion, if we were closer and communicated more, we would be happier just being together, no matter where we were. The problems are with us, not our jobs and state of residence. Am I right about that? So I am thinking about sitting him down and telling him I'm really worried about how our marriage has started out and where it's going. We're coming up on 2 years but we are just getting farther apart, more apathetic, have no passion, and seem to have very little in common. All we ever think about is money, moving, new jobs, how and when to see our families, etc.
I don't know exactly what is missing, but I think it's the mutual interest (real interest) and concern over day to day problems and feelings, real closeness and the desire to be close, real companionship (not just going along so the other one won't get mad), and a real desire to make it work and last. I feel like eventually we will both just die of boredom or apathy, and it seems ridiculous to let that happen. I'm 29, and time is flying by for me, so I don't want to spend all my time and energy trying to force something to happen! It's really frustrating and scary. I think he will WANT to fix things, but he has no idea what to do and neither do I. All advice is appreciated, but I get it now about the ex. I still love him but will try see it as friendship and nothing more.

March 30, 2000
11:04 am
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Cici
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Right now, you're entering the danger zone for many marriages. Sooooo, it's time to think about things thoroughly. Do you have the drive and desire to make this marraige work? Does he? Are you both willing to try out new techniques to open up more and communicate?

Try this one out: Make dinner, get maybe two bottles of wine, sit down and spend the evening together and just talk. Unplug the phone, turn off the beepers and cell phones, turn off the TV, turn on some good music, get a little tipsy and start opening up. Sometimes it's really difficult to open up, and (I know this sounds bad, but it can help) getting a little (and I mean not too much, now) drunk can help you lose the inhibitions that hold your feelings bottled up inside. Talk about whatever comes up and hopefully, you'll begin to remember the common ground that made you fall in love. talk about your past, your future, your deepest feelings and regrets.

The necessary ingredient for this to work is hope. Both of you have to want the marriage to work and have to have hope.

This would be the first step in a longer process, but if you feel closer after this, then each stepp will be a little easier Like the saying goes (oh no...this is getting cheesy), "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

March 30, 2000
3:27 pm
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holly2001
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Cici,
I just don't know if I am capable of making it work. I seem to fall out of love or get bored or find something wrong with every man eventually. Even if we did break up, and I did find someone else or go back to my ex, I would probably end up ruining that relationship too! I just think I have a serious problem that I haven't put my finger on yet that causes me to need / want change every couple of years. I don't think I pick bad men. It's definitely me, and I have to fix it if I'm to ever be happy WITH anyone. It's just torturous how my ex won't get out of my mind. I can see him as this perfect husband / father / companion but I know it's an illusion caused by time, distance, forgetting, and this other problem (whatever it is) with my REAL husband and real life. It's just driving me crazy, making me feel guilty and like a horrible person, and making me want to keep in close touch with him (the ex) again. I don't want to hurt anybody else like I have in the past, BAD. And now the potential is to re-hurt the ex and hurt my husband at the same time, and most likely end up alone.. Maybe that's what I need, just a good dose of my own rejection that the men in my life have felt, and to be alone for awhile.
As you can see, I am utterly confused. I don't know what I want, what is right, or how to figure it out. I am terrified of making the wrong decision, and I feel like I don't know my own self or my own heart.
Lost, Holly

March 31, 2000
8:48 am
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hazza
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Hi There, holly.
I have been down that path too! you put an unrealistic person on a pedestal because you CANT have them, and lose interest in what you CAN have. I found that in me it was a safe way to feel intimate feelings withot the risk of rejection, just like the teenager who has a crush on a film star. You put all those feelings into something that will never happen, because you are afraid to commit and face the reality that real relationship are never as glamourous as those we see in the movies!

I find it so hard to stay in love with someone when reality sinks in, ikt is like unless it is perfection, i don't want it! so the only way you can have perfection is in your imagination. to much unrealistic expectations.
People who have had the 50 yr marriages always say how they have had their ups and downs but have worked at it. I have learned now at least to ignore my fantasies as being just that, my mind trying to escape from the fact that nothing is perfect and to be happy with a real human being is the aim, not searching for ever to find someone who is a fantasy hero that doesn't really exist.

Cici, i love your idea, but do you have an alcohol free version!!!

I spent a long time projecting this fansay idea onto someone, but i realised that it was nonsense, they woul;d bring their own problems with them and no one is perfect.

I have found though that the more i concentrate on me and getting to understand myself, the less i find myself engaging in this useless fantasy stuff!

Re read your post, the things youa re worried about are all there, the growing distance etc, the fact that you get bored easily. Work on these things, talk to hubby about it, and listen to him, what does he think. If he really thinks that issues like jobs etc may be a problem, then don't dismiss that, to him that is an issue. Sometimes we look for deep relationship issue conversations just to make some drama in a relationship. Ask yourself if these issues are really there, are you looking for a big relationship talk because it is needed or is it to make you feel like you are communicating? i used to find som many relationship dramas in my life when basically the real issues where my own boredom! that is a real issue, but needs to be solved for what it is. I would feel bored and then complain about something totally irrelevent!

The commicating i like best now, is when we just talk about a film or food or silly things like that, i have had enough drama to last a life time, give me cosy boredom anyday!!!

Your ages are such that it is natural to question where you are going in life, do you talk about your plans for the future?

If you can inject a little more conversation about the little things this opens up the way for real commication on the things that matter for you both. Also keep in mind the difference between reality and hollywood love! i wish you both luck and peace. As i said i have been there many times!!! i think i am starting to be a bit more realstice about it all now, there is no perfect person, and if the qualites that matter are there, then maybe it just needs some fine tuning?
Hazza

April 3, 2000
10:52 am
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holly2001
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Hazza,
Yes, you have very good ideas and I think I am doing that Hollywood projection thing. I do have a great husband who is ambitious and smart and strong, and I have a great education and plenty of opportunities for my own career. I should be totally happy and content but for some reason I am afraid of "the rest of my life" with him, I am terrified of having kids because I'm not 100% sure things will work out, and I feel like I'm getting old and I don't want to regret big decisions that will affect the rest of my life. I am afraid that I won't be able to stay in love and that I will sooner or later ruin the marriage, go off chasing fantasies in old (or new) lovers, and will never have that long term satisfaction that the old married couples claim to have found. I just want to have a stable, happy life with a true companion, maybe have a kid before I'm too old (40 isn't too old, I hear), and feel like it's really where I belong. Why do I feel so lost and disconnected from my own life? I just want to jump on a plane with my cat and fly back to my parents' and hide there for awhile. It's crazy and it can't go on like this! I'm not being honest with my husband and I'm digging an emotional hole that is going to get too big for me to get out of alone. Should I go back to the counselor? Should I handle it with my husband on my own? I am really too scared to do or say anything at this point. I am afraid that something big / bad might happen, that he won't understand, that I'll make myself decide something that I don't truly want! I am really in bad shape, but you wouldn't know it from my outside appearance. I really appreciate being able to vent to you all, you are great listeners and feedback-givers, and it really does help me alot.
Thanks for any more advice,
Holly

April 3, 2000
11:17 am
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hazza
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Holly,
I think you are right to do nothing until you are a little more sure of your feelings.
Do you feelings follow a pattern, write a journal, i have found that my monthly cycle makes me much more prone to this stuff! but that is me. You need to just check stuff like that in you too.

I understand the feelings you speak of, and i don't have the answer i am afraid, but it is a little like a kid being told he can never go to the sweet shop again, a commitment fear maybe? it is very hard to TRUELY accept that grass is seldom greener over there!
I think that it may be FUN that you need, maybe the feelings of a beginning of a love relationship provided you with FUN, and that is what you crave, but you only know fun from love? this was true to a point for me. maybe there are other fun things you can do that may give you a buzz?
try parachuting? white water rafting? i don't know, something daring that gives the same feelings that you get in the beginning of relationships.
If you rely on love to give you that fun feeling that you get at first,then you would never be able to commit to a relationship, so maybe try to find other ways of getting that feeling.
I know i don't get so much that way anymre, because i am concentrating on other areas of my life, but i also never plan my future love life anymore, i kind of just leave it blank in my mind

Will write soon when i have thought some more
Hazza

April 4, 2000
9:23 am
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hootie-hoo
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Do you know how many people would love to be able to say I'm in a loving relationship! Suppose you did get with this person that you think would have made you happy....what if you were wrong? Thank God for what you have. What if your mate is thinking the same about you?

April 4, 2000
12:33 pm
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holly2001
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Hootie-Hoo,
I know! That's what I'm thinking too in the back of my mind. It's almost certain that if I did leave and go back to the old guy, things would just turn into the same situation again!

Have any of you ever heard of the "Cinderella Complex"? I found an older book about it yesterday and it seems to be right on my exact problems. It's a woman's hidden fear of independence, the desire to be taken care of even if you're successful, educated, and seem to be strong and "independent". You really just crave stability and someone to lean on and take care of you, but you create this whole personality on the outside to cover your fear.

I think I may be afraid to be on my own (I never really have) so I am willing to stay in a less-than-perfect marriage and afraid to take the plunge and go for what (who) I really want, because I am afraid of them both being gone and ultimately being alone and on my own.
It's such a chicken shit way to be but I think I may have been like this since I started dating way back in high school.

I'm just afraid of the implications it may have with my marriage. Yes, it's good and we're making it fine, etc, etc, but what if I got married just to save myself from being alone? I literally have overlapped men for years, dragging one along until another better one came up, and then not dumping the old one until the new one was a sure thing. The last one just happened to come when I thought I "should" get married, so we did. It is horrible for the men and very unfair, and I think now that it is blindness on my part to what is really important in a mate / companion / husband. My sole criterita for a man is "being there" (and being cute), and I ignore everything else (problems, conflicts, incompatibility) until it inevitably comes up again, usually in a destructive way from supressing my anger / confusion / doubt / worries for so long in order to preserve the relationship.

Can I make a real marriage out of such a weak foundation? Won't I ever have to face the real facts about why we got married and that we may not be ideal for each other? Will I ever be satisfied or do I need extensive therapy? Will I end up "recovering" so much I have to get a divorce? It's like I'm afraid to find out the answers to these questions because they might say I have to start out on my own again and use my new "skills" or whatever to make a real life for myself, with or without a man.

I am so confused and terrified. I don't blame everybody for coming down on me a little bit and considering me stupid for questioning what I already have, but believe me, if I could make these thoughts really go away I would. I don't want to create problems and rock the boat, I just want to be happy and feel like I have made the right decisions, and stop fearing the future and change and regretting the past. It is too much.

Holly

April 4, 2000
1:32 pm
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hootie-hoo
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Happiness isn't always what we think!!!
I know about wanting someone to take care of me, however because of my strong personality I always found someone who wanted me for the same thing. I don't know what it's like to have someone take care of me. I think it might be okay for a while but what happens when this person tries to think for me also after awhile...no way Jose! If you are not happy it has nothing to do with the one that got away. You need to dig to find out why you are thinking you're not happy. Could it be that you deep down don't want to be taken care of?! It may not be so bad to have your own say so about where you want to go, to live, to eat, to shop!!!!!

April 4, 2000
4:22 pm
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holly2001
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I don't think it's that easy, hootie. I don't have that strong personality and I have no idea what the other person sees in me or wants from me. I just do anything to attract and snag them, then give in and give up anything to keep them, at the expense of my own happiness. Maybe I don't want to be taken care of. Maybe I don't want to go along with the marriage / kids / yardwork / cookouts status quo. I just don't know. I'm afraid of being really alone, although I do love my time alone, as long as I know it's temporary.

April 5, 2000
6:59 am
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janes
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Holly. If you don't want to start over again then don't. Make your self happpy where you are. If you don't feel you can be happy where you are then move on. NO OTHER PERSON IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!!

April 5, 2000
8:57 am
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hootie-hoo
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Janes, right on. Beleive that no one other than God can make us happy. the state of Happiness is something that can be very confusing. What makes you happy might not make your mate happy. Stop expecting that special someone make or give you happiness. Not even a rich man can do this. Look at all of the wealthy people we see or read about, are they all ecstatically happy all the time? I have been divorced over 3 years now. I have my moments of loneliness but until I meet someone that I don't feel the need to give up who I am to please him, I will stay single.

April 5, 2000
4:24 pm
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holly2001
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But Hootie that is my problem, I got married BEFORE I woke up and realized I had been giving up myself. I never would have gotten married had I realized this before. I would have maybe gotten engaged, but for a long time until I was sure it was the right thing for me. My problem is, how do I work within the confines of marriage? Or can I? Can I become my full self while tied to a man who has expectations of me (like moving where his job takes us, etc)?

April 5, 2000
8:13 pm
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janes
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People have and do "work" withing the confines of marriage all the time. Except for the moving part..which you need to discuss with your mate...it is totally possible to become your full self whereever you happen to be.. "Bloom where you are planted" (or where you have planted yourself.)

You defineitly need to talk to the person you are living with about expectations THAT YOU BOTH HAVE of the other.

If and when you "change" and become your full self...he may not want to change in those directions and choose to move on himself.

Now that you are awake you need to make any decisions from an awake and aware stand point. Think things through.

Good Luck.

April 6, 2000
9:27 am
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hootie-hoo
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Holly
In talking with your partner may bring about a stronger bond than is already there. It might give your mate a different perspective into the beautiful person that you are. You have a group of people here that have been through a lot of things in life, however I think that the majority of them would say that if they could talk to that someone in their life it might have changed the outcome...if the person was willig to talk. I was in relationships where the men were not able to communicate their feelings nor were able to allow me to share where I was coming from. Mine situations wer lost caises. I don't get that from your situation. Give him a try.

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