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Is there always a lesson?
December 12, 2001
1:06 pm
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sunshine4
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I'm having a personal/spiritual struggle about a very sad situation in my life. In 1998 I had my 2nd second trimester miscarriage. Afterwards the doctors told me it was "next to impossible" to get pregnant. I was 22 at the time and already had a son, so the news was devastating but I moved on. In July of this year I discovered I was pregnant. My partner and I were excited at the news, but leary. We had already accepted that we would not have children of our own together. At 8 weeks I had a total placental abruption and lost the baby. My partner and I both lost it a little. I went ot my parents cabin for a week with my son and he fell off the wagon in a big way. He tried to stop drinking again and I tried to get things back to normal. He was trying to hide that he was drinking again and so at the beginning of November I left. It's been an adjustment, but I won't go through him drinking again. I was having some female problems so I went to the doctor last week and found out that I am 10 weeks pregnant. I had been bleeding for weeks so I was naturally surprised. I have a hemmorrage in the connective tissue between the placenta and the uterine wall and am going to lose this pregnancy as well. I want to know what the lesson is or if there really is a lesson to everything. Before everyone asks, yes I was usuing birth control, as a matter of fact I was still taking the pill until early November when I left my partner. I want to know what I am supposed to take away from this and exactly how does one cope? My heart actually hurts, aches. I know how fortunate I am to already have a child and I love him dearly but why now after 3 years? And why twice in a 4 month span? I'm a very spiritual person, but this situation is testing my limits. I haven't even told my partner because I feel like there's nothing to tell him. It will only hurt him, or worse give him an excuse to drink - I refuse to be part of the problem or the rationalizations for him. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe it just feels good to lay it all out.

December 12, 2001
1:20 pm
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Molly
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It is good to lay it all out, and sometimes we do need to shout hello out there, ugh God, ugh are you really aware of what is going on here, ugh hello. Boy sure makes you wonder about that pill they put you on, surprised, but maybe due to your age that they didn't take your parts with the last miscarriage.
I am sure that part of the lesson is to celebrate what you have, or to make sure that you do not spend your life with this man, but you have gone through some really difficult things, with out really asking for it. Might be different if you were actually trying to concieve, but no one deserves to go through this type of heart ache. I hope you have pleanty of emotional support, despite what you have experienced, you do sound strong. Just reinforce your decision to remain detached, no one needs to deal with someone on a bindge in your condition. I think I too would not share what you have learned, it would be nice if he could support you, but he can't take care of him self right now. So, sorry.

December 12, 2001
2:08 pm
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Ladeska
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I think to look at things like - someone is testing us - is really painting God out to be quite the manipulator and very unfair. And yes, I've been there... I think we're taught to think like that though, by alot of things. Even down to Santa Claus. "So, hey - I do bad things but he who knows all is so stupid - he gives me great stuff anyways and the kid down the street is a very good kid and yet he didn't get anything for Christmas, so this God figure - called Santa Claus is biased as well as stupid, right?"

But, to a child - Santa does appear to be a godlike figure. And then we grow to a certain point and are told it was all a lie... Sounds innocent enough, but that's the way groundwork and patterns get laid in us at an early age when it comes to God.

People.....put people through manipulative hoops. Not God. We try and apply what we learn from the way humans treat humans and try to make it fit who God is. Understandable, but it doesn't fit....thus the reason why you struggle so. I think you know deep down that God wouldn't do this to you.....wouldn't test you like this.

Life is just testing because it's life. It's a struggle from beginning to end. Some people's struggle is worse than others. I look at the Afghan refugees on the news and wonder if they have ever had a good day in their whole entire life? Good question. They might consider a good day though - to be one when they didn't have to worry about something to eat....

Sweetheart...you have been through some heavy, heavy duty pain and loss and to be quite honest - my strength would pretty much be right where yours is. And my heart goes out to you. I don't have a clue what is going to grow out of this, but I can tell by the way you write that in time....a rose will bloom of incredible beauty and wisdom and that you will be a very bright light...

I think sometimes we don't see what is being forged inside of us because of all this adversity. I don't think it's possible that we can see it really. But, it does happen and it happens in spite of - us feeling like we can't go on at the time or that our whole world is just crumbling around us. There are those people who just have this uncanny capacity for blooming anyway. Is quite the phenomena. Rather unexplainable. And in so much as - you can't explain why all this pain and trauma would cluster into your lifetime....it also can't be explained why the flower blooms in the middle of the desert either.

It can't be explained how a person who has lost both legs would put on prosthetics and become an olympic runner or why someone horribly disfigured by a crime - would still find it in the their being to go out into the world and know that people were going to be horrified at their disfigurement, but they still found the courage to smile at them anyways.

There's a surge of something that comes out of nowhere it seems....this tiny little stream of something - begins to flow into someone's heart from their spirit. It happens in spite of everything - just appears one day and begins flowing. I think it has something to do with our willingness to really "be" what we are capable of being and not see ourselves as limited human beings because - we're not that at all.

We can go around so many obstacles in life, even go right through them, as if walking through walls and seemingly be as vulnerable as a child, walking barefoot through a roaring fire with her teddy bear and yet be completely unscathed. How do people do that? I don't think anyone can really say, but I've seen people do it and in my gut - I know you are one who will eventually tap into that place in yourself that will just get up one day, put on your ballet slippers and slip into a graceful way of walking and living that will quite astound the world around you.

God isn't sitting up there with a ballbat... But, He is waiting for you by the stream, when you have the strength and the will. There is no death there for you...only life that overcomes and reaches forward not just in survival, but in exact, precise motion that paints a masterpiece on the sky for all to see.

Out of death....some of the most incredibly beautiful things this world has ever seen - grows....and explodes with vibrant life. You are in a cocoon for now, but your wings are there, all the same...waiting for you. You will claim them when you are ready. Those babies will be watching, they are in very safe keeping....(smile) Sometimes, being close to death and adversity teaches us how to - live life in a fearless sort of way, knowing intimately - the darkness, therefore acknowledging equally that it isn't darkness that pierces light - but the other way around. Focus on that candle in the window. I know it's in your heart. It will lead you.... God has not abandoned you. Quite the contrary.

December 12, 2001
7:10 pm
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gypsygirl
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I have lost a child and the best way to deal is to talk about it, go to a support group or a therapist get it out cry the tears and release the pain. it is a difficult thing but it must be done. The babies were little messengers from god to open your eyes to something that is not going the way it is supposted to. Maybe you sacrificed something in your life to be with this guy, perhaps a job or school or even a friend. Just listen to the babies and they will tell you how to be alright.

December 12, 2001
7:22 pm
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pg lova
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Sunshine,

I'm soooooooooooo sorry about what u r going through, but I want to encourage you that like my favorite song says:

"There's a bright side somewhere, there's a bright side somewhere. Don't you rest until you find it. There's a bright side somewhere."

You must know my sister that God has a reason 4 everything. And I know it's easier said than done b/c I too have trouble leaning on God wholeheartedly when I go through struggles in my life.

Ask yourself this question though "Who better to raise your child than God?" Wouldn't you want your child to learn good morals & grow up to be a productive person. So who better to teach it to him/her than the good Lord himself. I know u feel tremendous grief right now, but I exort you today, God is in control. The Lord just decided that heaven needed another angel so he took your children to his side b4 they had the chance to be born n2 this cold, cruel world. Aren't you glad your child will never ever have to go being exposed to the evils of this world? You as a mother have an instinct to protect your child. Isn't your child protected to the highest degree at God's side?

It's gonna be all right. I want you to know that come what may, you are not alone. God is w/ u and so r your e-friends.

Be Blessed

December 12, 2001
11:46 pm
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Ladeska
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Yeah, my doctor told me that I couldn't carry my daughter to term either and I told him to shut the hell up and never bring it up again. Nine months later I not had her, but I told him it was a girl, when he said it was a boy, I told him the exact day she would be born and that she had blonde hair and blue eyes and he said - you can't know that. I said - watch and see. Presto - just like I said - down to the day. He predicted a month earlier. So, doctors know "some" things, but some things they don't teach from books.

December 13, 2001
11:01 am
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sunshine4
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Your kind words and thoughts are very appreciated. I don't blame God for what is going on, I am just racking my brain trying to figure out what He is trying to tell me. My partner and I are not married, but might as well be - I'm still not going back. We have been through this once before and I won't go to rock bottom with him again. Self preservation is far more important right now. My son and I are adjusting as well as could be expected and taking things one day at a time because that's all I can handle right now. I can't express everything that's going on inside and the worst part is friends and family with the "Are you OK?". No I'm not, I won't be for a while. Why do people expect you to be OK? Anyway, thanks again for all you kind thoughts and words - you are a very special circle!

December 13, 2001
11:07 am
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Molly
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So, when they ask, give them the response that you gave us, no I am not, and not going to be for a long while. At least they are asking, its a tough situation to be in and most people, yes, even friends and family avoid uncomfortable situations, so tell them and let them all help you. It is one of the most difficult lessons of all, learning to ask for and receive help.

December 13, 2001
11:08 am
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Ladeska
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Don't you hate that stuff about - Are you okay and when are you going to get okay? Grrrr..... I think it makes people uncomfortable when others are in pain and they want to prod you to just hurry up and get over it. There are only a few special people that do understand the process and the valley.... It's needed - to go through and go through it in your own good time at your own speed. And for the most part people just don't know how to truly be comforting and not try to "fix it". Some things you just can't fix, you have to adjust yourself to them or evolve in some way....but doing a quick fix - isn't going to happen.

Reaching for the denial button, too, isn't the way to go. Oh I'm fine, just fine, how are you...(gritting teeth, holding back anger, frustration, depression - but all the time smiling and nodding). Um no...being a performer at a time like this - just doesn't cut it.

So.....you guys just huddle together, tune all the noise out - shut whoever out and cocoon.... And as far as "what is the lesson?" I'm not sure we can really see that pattern to the tapestry until we get further down the road and the design begins to appear in the weave.... (smile) It's just going to look like a bunch of fuzzy threads from this perspective.

You just "rest"....... and let your partner - do whatever it is he does. Nope, you can't be pulled under with him. Absolutely not. Glad you're here with us.... We'll give you cuddles and you can rant anytime you feel like it. WE all do! (smile)

December 19, 2001
7:46 am
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Lucina
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Don't worry about it, maybe this time you can give birth again, see a specialist & dont be so stressful as well as not to work so hard if you're working if not stay at home & rest in the bed. A friend of my was pregnant after 45yrs and she stayed througout her pregancy in the bed for 10 months without moving and doing anything at all.!!! how lucky you're to be pregnant again & again although sorry to said that it was unsuccessful. Quote " You will never fail until you stop trying" my friend.
I became pregnant after 8 yrs marriage at the age of 38yrs & i was very scared at first, quit my work & stay at home most of the time, resting & relating, now my son is 2yrs old & i thank God for everything. The moment i was pregnant i worry till he is born. So pls always think of the bright side, tell yourself you can be pregnant again with a health child.
All the best to you
Lucina

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