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Is there a co dependent check list???
May 23, 2005
12:53 am
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Randomwomen2
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I would like to see if im codependent and a check list would realy help if there is one

May 23, 2005
1:17 am
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angel4U
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Hi Random,

AAC has some information on this. To get to it ... when you do not have a thread open, scroll to the bottom of the page. Click on hth elink that says "Instructions". There is info on Codependency under the "Symptoms" section.

There is also a great deal of information on the web. Just do a search in your web browser using Codependency in the search field.

Hope this helps.

I am now off to dreamland. have a nice night, RW2!!

angel4u

May 23, 2005
1:21 am
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ACryForHelp
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Well, I’m not a doctor but I have a lot of experience being codependant!

The first thing you need to do is go somewhere quiet where you can write down your thoughts and not be distracted or be confronted by your partner.

Sit down with a pad of paper, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself:

“Am I happy only when/if he is happy?”

If he doesn’t compliment your clothes or makes a comment about them do you go change?

Does he insist that you do things Exactly his way or he gets upset?

Do you NEED to feel Needed by him?

Is he a good person?
i.e. Is he addicted to anything? (Drugs, Booze, Internet Porn, Casinos, Computer Games… ANYTHING that he uses to “Escape” from reality and gets in the way with his life or your relationship? Emphasis on “Gets in the way with your relationship.”)
Does he have a job?
Does he have a hard time holding down a job?

Does he REALLY treat you with respect or does he treat you like a slave?

When you are upset does he comfort you or console you or is he emotionally distant and more concerned about how it affects HIM?

Have you lost interest in hobbies or activities that you used to enjoy because you are too concerned about taking care of him or him needing you?

Do you feel you can leave? Or do you need him to tell you what to do?

Do YOU have a job or a life outside the home and is separate from him that is more than hanging out with the same small group of people ALL THE TIME or does he need to be with you all the time?

When you two go out do you catch yourself saying “Whatever you want to do honey?” a lot?

Are you depressed often?

Has he ever hit you or called you names or shamed you in public or in private?

Do you have panic attacks, anxiety, or OCD? (Obsessive-compulsive disorder)

Um…

Oh, yeah! This is a biggie:
Do YOU have an addiction to anything?

Now that you have answered THAT question I want you to think about your whole relationship from Day 1 to today:

An addiction is classified as an act that you KNOW has a negative effect on your life but you can’t/won’t put a stop to it.

You can drink every day and not be addicted but when you drink at work you know you will get fired but you do it anyways…

You KNOW that he gives you no respect and treats you like a slave or has you under his thumb but you continue to stay and endure the sadness/abuse…

THEY ARE THE SAME THING! An addiction is either “I need this chemical in order to have my body function” like booze, oxicotton, crack, heroine, exc.

But it is ALSO an addiction if it is that your Brain is WIRED into a PSYCHOLOGICAL ADDICTION and you need to gamble, or download porn, or play a video game, or STAY WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER.

An addiction is an addiction is an addiction! You need Treatment for ALL of it!

I guess that this is a pretty good psychological evaluation for a Blog…

You should go talk to a doctor though…

But the fact that you are asking this in the first place means that you should evaluate your life before it goes even more out of control!

Good luck, I hope this helped!

Feel free to add/clarify/fix the list people!

May 23, 2005
1:36 am
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Randomwomen2
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thank you so much a lot of these things do apply to me i had never thought about it he is addicted to computer games on my birthday he played games while i took care of the boys then he went to work and quit his job and played more games. if i need help with the boys i practly have to beg and sometimes i wind up doing it myself. I am always depressed and when i am not if he is unhappy there i go again wow. I guess i just learned something new about myself thank you

May 23, 2005
1:22 pm
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ivmetoo
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Read your response and as I am wondering the same thing I answered in this way

“Am I happy only when/if he is happy?
(not always sometimes)

If he doesn’t compliment your clothes or makes a comment about them do you go change? (no but I notice and sometimes feel bad)

Does he insist that you do things Exactly his way or he gets upset?(no)

Do you NEED to feel Needed by him?
(Yes-- more like I need to feel loved by him--the neediness not so much)

Is he a good person? i.e. Is he addicted to anything? (Drugs, Booze, Internet Porn, Casinos, Computer Games… ANYTHING that he uses to “Escape” from reality and gets in the way with his life or your relationship? Emphasis on “Gets in the way with your relationship.”) Does he have a job? Does he have a hard time holding down a job?

(Well yes he is basically a good person but what has cropped up lately that we have both discovered and has had a major impact on our relationship is his need for approval and mostly from women-- leading to a love addiction or romance addiction -which recently cause him to attach to another woman who is not interested in him in that way but he is acting like a love sick fool and we are trying to work through this in Therapy

Does he REALLY treat you with respect or does he treat you like a slave? (has always treated me with respect except for lately with this issue--he has not respected my feeling or acknowledged them at all)

When you are upset does he comfort you or console you or is he emotionally distant and more concerned about how it affects HIM?
(sometimes he can be consoling but then sometimes I am on my own !)

Have you lost interest in hobbies or activities that you used to enjoy because you are too concerned about taking care of him or him needing you?
(Yes)

Do you feel you can leave? Or do you need him to tell you what to do?
(

Do YOU have a job or a life outside the home and is separate from him that is more than hanging out with the same small group of people ALL THE TIME or does he need to be with you all the time?
(I have a job -- I have friends - most of my friends are our friends - we always did everything together and were happy that way (for 14yrs)he had some things he did on his own without me and that is where this problem with the other woman occurred so now I don't trust him and I feel I need to keep him close even though I realize that is trying to control a situation I have no control over -- I just can't bear to think of him happy with her and being with her when I was his one and only for so long... is it too much to ask that a wife want her husband to love her... and tell her she is beautiful and that he loves her.. and not be saying these things to someone else?)

When you two go out do you catch yourself saying “Whatever you want to do honey?” a lot?
(Yessssss -yuck)

Are you depressed often? (no just lately -- major depressed for 3months working on it in therapy now just more anxious and obsessive)

Has he ever hit you or called you names or shamed you in public or in private? (NO NEVER -we actually have always had a really wonderful warm loving relationship that was the envy of all our friends -- thats what makes this soooo hard for me)

Do you have panic attacks, anxiety, or OCD? (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) (anxiety and now fairly obsessive about him and the situation-- like now I am at work but I am on my lunch and on the boards needing to talk about it- some days if I am feeling insecure I call him all the time)

Um…

Oh, yeah! This is a biggie: Do YOU have an addiction to anything?

(not really-- just him- I think I am addicted to him -- my T says I should hang in there that he is going through a rough time right now so I am (she is his T too)and she is trying to help me take care of myself in the mist of this crisis that we are in. I have the beginnning of addictions but then I am able to put the breaks on before they get too out of control -- this has always been true..mostly with spending.. I don't drink or over eat
or gamble actually I feel that an addiction is being out of control and I hate that feeling.)

But is co dependency the same as an addiction?? I am confused on that score and does it seem so from my answers.. is it possible to be a bit co depenent?

May 25, 2005
10:16 am
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spicegirl2005
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Here is a list I found...so much of it is true. I don't think that everyone will have all symptoms..but it's good none the less

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty having fun.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

May 26, 2005
10:21 pm
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ACryForHelp
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ivmetoo - You sound like your having "Problems" but you don't sound truly "CoDep".

I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything & am just basing this on personal experience.

And besides, your actively trying to fix the problems... That is something that is really hard to start when your Codep.

Keep up the counseling!

Good Luck!

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