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Is the frequency of sex between a couple reason enough to doubt a relationship?
March 15, 2000
12:09 pm
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TJ
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Everything is going great between my fiancée and I except one thing...sex. Or should I say lack of. I want to stress that I am very happy with him and really think that I can spend the rest of my life with him and I am almost sure that he feels the same. Is this reason enough for me to doubt the future of our relationship? We have sex MAYBE once a month and this started about a month after we started dating. This is a very hard subject for me to bring up to him and I have done so many times. His reply would always be, okay, we'll have more sex, then that would be the end of it until I bring it up the next time. I have made it very clear to him that this really bothers me and he just doesn't have much reaction this subject. I've tried to initiate and dress up sometimes and would be turned down by what seemed like legit reasons. How many times can a girl be turned down for sex before she stops trying? He is attracted to a certain type of woman that looks and acts nothing like me, he will masterbate everyday but not have sex with me for weeks, month at a time. Should I be this worried? I should defend him too since he's not here to do so. He is very affectionate and loving otherwise. I really believe that he loves me, but I just have a hard time taking his reasons... how it is just a sexual urge, he needs variety, but he can't love those types of girls. He had a lot of reasons that I can't recall. They all sounded good at the time, but I just can't digest them I guess. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't dwell on it so much. Maybe it is normal for a couple to be loving but only have sex once a month... I don't know...

March 15, 2000
2:18 pm
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J. C.
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TJ, when you discuss your issues about sex, is it a two way conversation ending with a logical solution? Frequency of sex is not really the problem in itself...it's solving the problem of satisfying your needs. Is he telling you what you want to hear, then avoiding the solution...or is he sincere about doing something about it. How does he feel about having sex with you more frequently? Does he want to or is he satisfied with the way things are? People have more difficulty changing things that they think are okay than not. Making him want you shouldn't be a part of the relationship...not in my opinion. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you as your husband, that alone, tells me that he wants you. I suppose I don't really have advice for you, but I can understand your position. I, too, sometimes feel rejected in bed. I've given up a long time ago trying to seduce. I suppose having sex has become less important to me. It doesn't have to end up that way of course.

~JC

March 15, 2000
3:08 pm
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BROC
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Listen up cowgirl,

I have found out that although we humans are all different, we are wired pretty much the same. And when I smell a fire, which is what I do with you, then there is an issue smoldering.

So, what to do? Tell us all about your past, a sketch if you will of your family life, mom and dad, how are they? together? Divorced? Loving? Be honest with us!

Then, tell us all about your bundle of joy.

Everthing!

With what you have given us so far, especially with the VARIETY, I am going to guess that he is very much like I used to be.

To keep it short and sweet, he is afraid of intimacy....true love. If there was true healthy love here, there would not be an issue of this magnitude. Once a month is very poor. Sure, most people say thats just the way it is, but thats a fat huge lie. Those people that say that have some issues to take care of.

healthy rel. may have theier problems, but they can be solved very fast because there are two people that are on the same page. Make sense?

Give us some more info. But the fact that its once a month is a dead give away that points to intimacy problems. I am can tell you this. Your not the first that has experienced this with him. And, don't dispair. We can help you fix this.

Give us the skinny Minnie!

B-

March 15, 2000
5:15 pm
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TJ
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Wow, I was beginning to think that I've hit a dead end street. I really believe that this is an issue that we both want to come to a solution with(more so me than him probably), but we just don't know how or even where to begin. So here is the skinny on a little bit of back ground of us. I'm pretty scatter brained, so hopefully you can follow me.
Me: I came from a pretty strict family. 3 older brothers, me the youngest and the only girl. Parents are still married, I think they're pretty happy with things over all. We never talked about our feelings or problems much so that kind of makes me not the most open person in the world. I am trying and a lot better than what I used to be... at least I think so. I'm considerous, cheerful, normally happy. Though I'm kind of clumsy, forgetful, and scatter brained. I'm also pretty shy, but open to ideas and adventurous.
Him: A little bit older, very confident, advanturous, funny, loving. He is the only child in the family, his parents divorced when he was very little. Doesn't really know his father that well. He didn't have a very happy childhood and was pretty much on his own at a very young age. He's well educated and experienced in many ways. He's divorced from a 12 year relationship. Dated a VARIETY of women before he met me. Did I mention he dated a VARIETY of women before we met?

Everytime I bring up this subject to him, lack of sex between us, he'll explains his reasonings and agrees with me that we'll do it more often. I truely feel that as soon as the conversation ends, he totally forgets about it in the same breath. A girl's got needs too!!! It's not all about horny guys out there, I wouldn't call my self a horny girl but I have fantasys too, and this once a month if I'm lucky thing is just not working. I don't know what to do. It's not like he disagrees with me and doesn't want to discuss the issue. We'll talk about it, we come to an agreement, subject dropped until I play the same tape again a month or 2 down the road. My biggest fear is that he will cheat on me one day. With his 'experience' and my 'lack of experience' I don't think I will ever be secure in that department. oh yeah, thanks for your advise so far, I do feel a little more hopeful now.

March 15, 2000
7:51 pm
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BROC
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Hmmmmmm. OK, this I know for sure. Therapy BETTER be in your near future, for the both of you.

I hate to say this, but he, like most, even me at one time, is in denial. Hell, I don't think he really REALIZES there is a problem. Like you said, in one ear and out the other. Like I said earlier, he is afraid of intimacy. Now, if your new to this stuff, you will have to start learning the lingo, etc. READ THE OTHER THREADS, this will help you.

Intimacy is about TRUE LOVE. Not romantic love as our society has led us to believe. It is the exception rather than the rule. I was a clone of this guy so I know. ALL of my past relationships were like this. Sex in the beginning, then tappered off to almost nothing. WHY? FEAR! His childhood, as will ALL of ours, shapes us for the future. Like it or not, believe it or not. Specialists say by the age of seven we are forged and engrained with what we take into our adult lives. His was shitty. Abandonment by his father...that is HUGE. Did his ex wife leave him? Cheat on him? Why did it end? You see, fear of intimacy keeps us "safe". If we don't let you in, you can't hurt us. OF COUSE this is an unconscious thought, as 90% of our mind is just that, and is what dictates our actions. I bet your prior relatinships are VERY close to this guy. Maybe not the lack of sex, but lacking in REAL closeness...intimacy.

So, what to do? I hate to say it, but counseling is the only way. HE is this way because he was shaped this way, just as you, me, and the next person are. you can talk till your blue in the face (which you already have and realize) and it WILL NEVER EVER change. NEVER!

Go see a counselor right now! HE/SHE will tell you the same thing. As far as your fiancee, you have really just two choices. Put up with it, or not. This is a unhealthy relatinship, meaning its dysfunctional. Not doomed, but not good.

There is hope for you and him, but only if he sees like you that there is a problem, AND goes in for help on himself. IF he goes just cause you want him too, or he is scared you will leave him, instead of seeing what you see, a real problem that needs addressed, then it won't last. AGAIN, read the other threads. HE is who he is, and will remain that way UNTIL he gets some help. The same goes for you.

GOOD LUCK!

B-

March 16, 2000
7:35 am
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janes
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So...if he is attracted to a certain type of woman who looks and acts nothing like you..why is he withyou? (Not that you aren't great) sounds like what Broc said but from a different angle. I'd agree to scared of intimacy, true love. He has an excuse to not get to close cuz you really "aren't his type". Maybe sex isn't the most important thing in life but in a healthy relationship it is the true breaking down of barriers, totally, between two humans creatures. It is the most intimate, the closest we can ever come to "being one" with another person.

If he masterbates a lot and leaves you and your needs to wither and die....I would say dump him. He doesn't REALLY care for you or your issues would be his issues.

I agree with Broc that you have more "stuff" going on beyound this that you can deal with...but I don't think it would be wise to look at this guy as the one you could spend your life with.
I think you could have just as fulfilling a life if you became a nun. I know sex isn't everything...but it is very important.

He has issues that are even more serious than yours. I would run away from this one.

Good luck.

March 16, 2000
7:52 am
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hazza
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Hi there,
My first fear when when i read this post was, that if he masterbates alot, he has a labido. Is he secure in his sexuality? could he be gay? i may be way off the mark, but i have seen this sort of thing happen when a guy is in denial about his own sexuality.
Sorry don't want to frighten you, there can be so many reasons for this, but the real issue is why does he not care enough to solve this issue?????? that is the thing that should ring alarm bells for you.
Also is he stressed? the act of giving in a sexual way can be more of an effort that going solo if someone is depressed or under a lot of stress.
Let us know what happens
Hazza

March 16, 2000
8:59 am
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Cici
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I know you've had a lot of input fro mothers, but I had to mention that a lot of only-children (where they were the only child in the family) have trouble making intimate connections with other people. That is, intimate, emotional connections. This may explain why he's dated such a wide variety of women.

We learn how to behave in relationships by patterning our behavior after that which we have observed. We learn how to interact with our peers though sibiling bonds, we watch how our parents interact. That's why it's very important not to argue in front of your children. You can have disagreements or spats in front of them, but if there is shouting or a lot of emotions involved, they shouldn't be subject ot that. The fact that his parents divorced whenhe was young and that he had a bad childhood also contribute to that inability to make intimate connections.

The only problem I see here is that he first has to recognize that there is a problem before he will take action to fix it. You need to be firm in your convictions. Take a stand and hold on to it, so he'll finally notice that you are unfulfilled in this relatinoship.

You can't marry someone who deosn't satisfy your heart, mind AND body. Think about spending the rest of your life in a sexless bed. Not to mention the fact that sexual activity declines as age increases, unless you have an open, loving and supportive relationship. This is from my professor in my men's sexuality class, now.

So tell him flat out that if things don't change, you don't know if you'll marry him. I know you love him, but one person doing all the work ina relationship, one person making all the effort to establish intimacy and love, is NOT enough. He needs to recongize this.

March 17, 2000
11:16 am
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TJ
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Thank you all for your support. I can't understand why he does some of the things he does. I don't want to sound conceded but I think I'm a pretty attractive woman but still he would rather masterbate than have sex with me. It's funny but I've thought about the gay thing too. He has never been shy about homosexuality unlike some guys are very homophobic; and he gets along great with them (we have a few friends that are gay). That would be pretty sad for me wouldn't it. I guess it's up to me to try to convince him that this is a real problem for me(I thought I've been trying to do that). As far as therapy, I think he would be pretty receptive to that except I wouldn't know where to even start looking for one, who to see, and how much it would cost. Any ideas?

March 17, 2000
6:20 pm
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janes
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Try the phone book, call a help line, call the local mental health agency. Talk to your local hospital or your doctor.

Sad for you? Well, I can remember really liking a guy thinking he was great but..no response...looking back I think he was gay.

Yes it would be sad...but not as sad as marrying him and finding out you'll never have sex. THAT would be sad.

March 19, 2000
11:32 pm
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re
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just going to share my experience-
i was married for over 6 years to a man i dated for 5 years before that. we had sex probably on average less than once a month even from the begining- the reasons why we didn't varied over time. we both are fairly attractive people and he was probably more insistent we increase the frequency than i but we both realized there was a problem- trouble was the real probalem was that neither of us wanted to deal with the truth behind that more obvious one of no sex. i was stressed out and emotinally and sexually unaccessible and depressed towards the end of our marriage and i think he had begun to rely more on masturbation than any other means and when confronted with another person's need and emotions became uncomfortable. not to mention the added pressure when we actually had sex. anyway, as it turned out we split up and were unable to reconcile the emotional problems in our relationship regarding trust and emotional availability and sharing. i have since found a man that i do trust and love very much- sex has not been an issue at all; and quite pleasant and frequent. there is an openness and sharing that is naturally expressed by making love. i think 2 people need to be open about what they need in every aspect of the relationship and that those needs be respected and discussed so that both partners are satisfied with the outcome. i talked alot with my previous partner but not about what was underlying the reason why we weren't having sex. i don't know that this makes any sense or even helps but...
take care you,
re

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