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November 6, 2006
12:01 am
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Randomwomen2
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He would put them infront of the tv and play on the computer. He has gotten a lot better but we are still having some difficulties

November 6, 2006
12:04 am
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lolli
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yeah, Random... I'm in agreement with Zax.

paper plates and pizza are a good idea.

another thought...
sometimes when my bf starts to whine or be critical of me... the best thing that i've done so far to stop it is to look at him and very directly say- "stop criticizing me like that. you are acting like you hate me. and that feels awful." now, you don't have to say it that way because those are my words, my situation. but i do think i read somewhere that being direct and as brief as possible to convey the point works best. have you tried this? i don't want to stir something up if he is abusive or has a temper... but if not, then you might want to try. it is okay for you to assert yourself. i agree with zax. your baby and your health are WAY more important than dishes. (if you can safely) tell the hubbie to get it in perspective, dude!

BUT most importantly, take care of yourself lady. (which also, btw, means you don't have to take any of my random advice to heart or do any of it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't want to cause you any more anxiety at this point)

which, i guess, brings me full circle back to the paper plates. that sounds like a darn good idea! and it's getting better all the time:) lol

and for you, mademoiselle, maybe a cool washcloth on your forehead for those flashes? would that feel nice?
if i could, i would get it for you myself;)

November 6, 2006
12:07 am
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southgoingzax
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well...

I have to say, my sister's husband, who is a great guy, does the same thing. She used to never leave the boys with him because she couldn't stand it....but then, maybe she realized she could be a much better mom if she had some time to herself - she now leaves them at least once a week at home with their dad, and plays volleyball or goes to the gym or to bookclub....I think the boys come out ahead in the long run, despite the tv...just a thought, for you right now, maybe it's okay (not ideal, but acceptable) to do that every once in a while...

November 6, 2006
12:08 am
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southgoingzax
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well...

I have to say, my sister's husband, who is a great guy, does the same thing. She used to never leave the boys with him because she couldn't stand it....but then, maybe she realized she could be a much better mom if she had some time to herself - she now leaves them at least once a week at home with their dad, and plays volleyball or goes to the gym or to bookclub....I think the boys come out ahead in the long run, despite the tv...just a thought, for you right now, maybe it's okay (not ideal, but acceptable) to do that every once in a while...

November 6, 2006
12:08 am
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Randomwomen2
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we do use paper plates and cups I just have to wash silverwear bowls pots pans and that sort of thing. I made a triple batch of pumpkin cookies today cause my husband was having 4 of his friends over and I wanted them to have a treat so I have those dishes to wash too. My husband is a good man with a few issues. I dont worry about him being abusive or anything

November 6, 2006
12:09 am
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Randomwomen2
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The problem I that i dont have anywear to go and I feel guilty for not spending the time that I have with my husband

November 6, 2006
12:16 am
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Hej Random,

I can't make a tired husband be more understanding, but I KNOW about hot flashes!! Just make a plastic baggie full of ice, and put it right at the nape of your neck/back of your head. It is the absolute fastest way to get your body temp down. You can even "tie" it around your neck with a dishtowel so the kids can't reach it!

Immediate relief! Then you can sit with it slid further down your back and soothe THAT tired place, too. Make two (one for him).

Take care, Random. Don't let unkind words get you down. Both you and your husband work hard. He knows that. Both of you need to feel you are appreciated too.

November 6, 2006
12:19 am
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Randomwomen2
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I always try to make him feel appreciated. Another issue that I have been having is that I feel like I wasnt blessed with as much brains as the next person. I am all the time feeling stupid and I hate it I wish that I didnt feel that way

November 6, 2006
12:24 am
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southgoingzax
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dear,

this whole guilt thing isn't working for you. I mean that. My suggestion is to set up some sort of schedule, one where H gets the kids for one evening, two hours, even, and you go out...if you don't have anywhere to go, you need to find something nice to do for yourself - even if it's just a walk, a shampoo at costcutters, an ice cream, catch a movie...go to the bookstore...and schedule one evening you spend quality time with H...like a date night, where he picks up a movie, or take out, or something, just for the two of you...then you can really value the time you have together...A little bit of structure can give the time you do spend together a whole different meaning.

Anyway, I have to sign off for the night, I have to get to work EARLY.

Oh, and also, random, yes, someday, you should get drunk. Not a lot drunk, but a little drunk, that would be okay...everyone's got to have one great drunk story!

November 6, 2006
12:24 am
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lolli
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random,

it's okay to take time for yourself, dear. and you deserve it.

just brainstorming here...
what kinds of things did you do before you were married? hobbies and such?

or... maybe you could start doing simple things... just leave for 20 min and get a cup of tea from a coffee shop? just sit in the park and have a little peace and quiet? or go to a bookstore?

it is so much easier to give advice than to take it... lol... my therapist has to give me "homework assignments" to do nice things for myself. so I know where you are coming from taking on all that responsibility.

hang in there...

November 6, 2006
12:27 am
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Randomwomen2
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I got married at age 19 I had one friend and still do my now sis in law. I didnt have any hobbies. I got married way to young

November 6, 2006
12:28 am
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Randomwomen2
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goodnight Zax

November 6, 2006
12:31 am
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southgoingzax
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Okay,

I can't let that one go - you are not stupid. why do you think you are? What would make you feel smart? Your homework assignment is to figure out what you would have to do to feel smart. Make a list, start with small things, and work your way up. Okay? I bet you'll see that you could accomplish any one of the things on your list, if you chose to and had the resources. It doesn't sound to me like you lack brains, you're just a little short on time, energy, and opportunity right now!

November 6, 2006
12:34 am
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Randomwomen2
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I dont know what I would have to do to feel smart.I think that all my life I have been put down so after 23 years I started beliving it and I dont know how not too

November 6, 2006
12:50 am
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southgoingzax
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sweetie,

you're just a baby! You have your whole life ahead of you! And think of all the things you have done already, you've forged a successful relationship, you're married, you are a successful mother with two beautiful children, another on the way, you manage a house even though you're 8 months pregnant...that is a LOT of work! And nothing to be ashamed about - I am 31, I have never been married (not even asked) and the most I have to do is clean up some cat barf every once in a while - don't be so hard on yourself!

So okay, you feel you got married too young. What can you do about that? Nothing, unless you want to divorce your husband and leave your kids behind, right? But it doesn't mean your life has to stop, either. You can still work on making yourself happy without giving anything up - You need to find something you enjoy - make a list of things you think you might like, and then try one. You are a wonderful, smart, talented young woman, I'm sure you can come up with something you might really enjoy!

zax

November 6, 2006
12:50 am
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Oh Random, please shout that voice down that tells you those things about yourself.

I've listened to you, as young as you are, with as much turmoil in your background as you have had, with children and struggling to make ends meet, and I've been SO impressed with the wisdom you have. You are soooo beyond your years in understanding life and people.

Please practice putting the negative thoughts about yourself down. Just conjure up a voice that yells "Stop it!" or "Shut up!" or "That's not true!" when those self-negating thoughts creep in.

When you were able to do your best in school, what kind of student were you?

After your new little one is here and things are settled a bit, maybe you can figure out a way to improve your income level and get more schooling. Right now you just have to enjoy what is happening with the baby and this time of your life. Try to focus on all the precious things. Things will get better.

November 6, 2006
12:55 am
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Randomwomen2
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Because of my raising I never had a chance to do good in school. I barly graduated highschool. I will have to think of some things that I can do. HEy I have a question do you know how to lessen the effects of edema. THE swelling of hands and feet when you are pregnant?

November 6, 2006
1:07 am
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Randomwomen2
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goodnight everyone

November 6, 2006
1:19 am
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lolli
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goodnight random...

there was one more thing i wanted to say... have you heard of something called "emotional intelligence?"

i think the fact that you're here on this site and that you have such insight into yourself and your feelings means you are emotionally intelligent. and that's something you can't get from books or school. and in most cases, it's a MORE IMPORTANT form of intelligence. don't sell yourself short.

my therapist tells me that those of us in "recovery" are the healthy ones. i have to keep telling myself that... but you should tell yourself that, too! because you are in the right place, there are lots of good people here, and we're all on similar paths to healing.

i agree with brynnie about shutting down that negative voice. i read this book about mirror therapy (i'll try to find the title if you think you might be interested...) and it says that when you hear thoughts like that the first step is to recognize that they actually didn't come from you. Those put-downs are coming from someone else who told you (either verbally, or through their actions) that about yourself. so once you figure out whose voice that is inside you, then you tell it (that person) to SHUT UP! or whatever you have to tell them that works. Also, you can visualize taking that icky gunk, all those put downs (that AREN'T true) and throwing them right back at the people who originally said them.

I hope you feel better soon, honey. I'm off to bed too.

warm healing thoughts to you!

((((random))))

November 6, 2006
1:35 am
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lovinglife
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Passing through on my way to bed...just have to comment RW that you said that you think that weren't blessed with something...

YOU have been blessed hon with the gift of compassion- you always seem to be there to give others encouragement and love. Always just kindly offering love to another. When I think of RW- those are the exact thoughts that go through my mind.

(((RW)))

November 6, 2006
12:05 pm
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lolli
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bumping for random to read...

November 6, 2006
12:17 pm
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Yes, LL, I always think Random is the sweetest, most thoughtful, woman. She always takes the time to comfort.

And Random, about edema....I have a problem with it enough that I have to take a "water" pill to keep it under control, so you may want to ask your doctor. It think it's connected to all the extra weight you are carrying, of course, so maybe they cannot give you a water pill while you are pregnant.

I think you HAVE to keep elevating your feet periodically -- as much as you can. Cut your salt intake as much as you can -- no chips or salty butter. Drink lots of water (I KNOW that's several more trips to the bathroom, but...). When you lie down, put pillows under your hips to take the weight off your legs for a while. Even just a half-hour will help relieve that pressure of being up on your feet. If your hands are swelling too you can put them up over your head or in the air while you are lying down. Massage the fluid back down towards your "middle" with the other hand.

You poor kid!! I think a moderate amount of walking is also good because it keeps all the stressed and cramped organs nearby MOVING and that helps all your "systems" operate more efficiently. Just keep shuffling, Girl. You're on the HOME STRETCH. I'm so excited for you!!

(Did I tell you I'm going to become a grandma for the first time this Spring? Pretty soon we will learn whether it's a boy or girl. It's going to be one more WHOLE 'nother person to LOVE!)

November 6, 2006
4:39 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Thank you all for being so sweet to me. I truly am blessed to have friends like you all. Brynnie congrats on becoming a grandma

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