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Is she Kind/good or Resentful/Jealous???
October 14, 2006
3:49 pm
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Rasputin
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I met this woman in one of the places I worked at. She asked me for my full name and phone # & because I am going thru healing process and have no friends and was taught to take risks in our healing program, I gave her my phone # so that we can see each other outside work.

I have been praying for a long time for a same-gender friend (I don't have any) to discuss with her my work situation and some other important practical issues and I joyfully told her that to show her how proud I am of knowing her even tho I could tell right from the beginning that we were both have different personality. She is tough, very rational girl; and I am very sensitive, emotional girl. We do have things in common such as we both believe in deep romantic relationship between men and woman.

From the 1st moment we met, she opened her heart to me during our coffee/lunch breaks and told me about her life & how in her youth she met the man of her dreams & how he was brutally killed in a bar just b/c he was a witness to a crime that took place in that bar and his story was in the newspapers at that period of time. I showed great empathy and kindness toward her agonies and sorrows and told her that I too had my fair share of sorrows and was always in touch with counselors to help me manage anger and frustrations and asked her to do so. I also showed sympathy to her for not being able to find a good hubby ever since the brutal death of her b/f in that bar accident.

Later on, the tables were turned, I had to ask her opinion about my oldest abusive sister who keeps harrassing & controlling me and I also told her that my sister and I are both like Cain & Abel.

I honestly feel that this friend whom I took a risk on resents me and is jealous of me and keeps comparing herself with me (our clothes, properties, opportunies, plans). She knows Very well that I hate that coz this is the behaviour/character of my abusive oldest sister whom I am keeping minimal formal contact with.

She also knows that I'm spiritual person who has been severely abused by my own family or origin as well as strangers and that I am going right now thru a healing process which will last for lifetime.

Should I continue the relationship with this friend or keep her at arms length?

Mind you she asked me about my birthday, (usually I keep my birthday personal) yet I took risk and told her my birthday date and she told me hers and she aksed me for an outing together on my birthday & I told her that I didn't want any invitation just a simple stroll together is the best gift. She bought me a Hershy Dark chocolate Bar for my birthday and I thanked her & kissed her with all my heart and enjoyed our stroll together.

Also one more thing I don't like about her: she keeps asking me specific questions each time we are together like: Where you bought your chain from or any beautiful thing I am wearing...What I was cooking for supper when I go home. At 1st I would answer these questions joyfully and innocently. However, when they became a pattern, I started to feel scrutinzed by her.

Another example: She knew that on Sundays I go to church, she asked about my church where it was, I indicated in general terms and the next time she asked me where it was located & I gave her the name of the street and told her that some day I would invite her to my church (out of courtesy, I felt embarrassed as if she were implying to me: invite me to your church). However, I know she is very chauvinist fanatic person who is very faithful to her chruch denomination which is different from mine.

Lately, she started to do some volunteering and right now she told me that she enrolled in workshop about "Solitude" for people who are living alone. I told her that she was very smart person for pursuing these activities.

I honestly am bewildered by the conduct of this friend...Is she a true friend who loves me...or is she an enemy who resents me and is jealous of me or just trying to get some knoweldge from me & then perhaps reject me??? Should I continue my friendship with her...or sever it???

Your honesty and wisdom are greatly appreciated!

~Ras~

October 14, 2006
7:56 pm
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Loralei
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Ras,

I think the key here is that the two of you have different personalities. Some people just like to hear all the details. So far you haven't said anything that would indicate that your new friend has any negative intention. She is merely curious and seems to be trying to get to know you better. What do you care if she knows what church you attend? Why is your birthdate a big secret? And asking where you bought an item is harmless. If she liked it, she may want to shop there too. And what is wrong with acknowledging your similarities? Perhaps she is just pointing out the things you have in common. You are being overly sensitive about the whole thing. Unless she actually does something to hurt you or betray you, accept her friendship. I would think she would feel very insulted if she knew how distrustful you are of her. Unless she has done something that you haven't mentioned yet, I don't understand what you are bewildered about. Do you require all your friends to walk around on eggshells? Lighten up and you'll have a lot more friends. I'm not trying to offend you. Just pointing out the obvious.

October 14, 2006
8:41 pm
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Rasputin
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Lor - I am very tolerant person. In fact, I don't get angry easily. However, I really find her behaviour annoying, controlling, too much detail-oriented. When we part, I feel as if I am with an investigator and sense I am being scrutinized when we are together.

I find your response very harsh, inconsiderate and lacking in empathy.

I hope I can find someone more understanding of my situation!

Another thing I don't like about her: on our 1st outing together, we sat in coffee shop and I was discussing some very confidential matters with her. She was talking to me very loudly and almost everyone in the coffee shop heard about what we were both discussing. While we were there, I had to point out to her that her voice was too loud. She said that it was something hereditary in her family. I said ok, but you let every one in the coffee shop know about it.

Please someone more understanding & empathetic of my case, folks!!!

~Ras~

October 15, 2006
6:12 am
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alycia
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Hi Ras,

I really dont think loralei meant any harm, We are all different and you said you differ to this lady..

Many people think nothing of asking someone else when their birthday is or where they bought a nice piece of jewellery from etc, it depends on how we see things, some may see it as prying, others may see it as nothing at all you know.....

What you are cooking is another one i see nothing wrong with, i have often asked someone this more so when i feel like there is no conversation left or maybe i have just asked if that makes sense.

You guys are different, she speaks loudly and sees nothing wrong with it, it could be a background thing especially if she is ethnic and i dont mean to offend anyone with that.

I say give it a chance, difference can bring excitement as well, it would be no fun at all if everyone resembled ourselves.

If this woman has done you no harm and is good company then i say go for it, try not to analyse things too much and just enjoy it.

While she is proving to be a good friend do enjoy it.... but if time passes and you do honestly feel there is something not quite right then deal with it then but for now give her a chance Good luck

October 15, 2006
8:36 am
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taj64
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Hi Ras, you said that you had no friends and that you needed a friend. To me, it appears that you want to find reasons to not pursue this friend relationship. It doesn't sound like you like her very much. It appears you are looking for a sounding board and you are good listener but you felt cheated when you didn't get recipricated (sp?) in getting sympathy for your pain. If this is a new friendship, maybe it is starting off too heavy. Maybe keep it light and not let the personal problems interfere with the relationship. I have a friend that ask loads of questions like that too, where did you get this and that and sometimes do find it annoying. My advice would be to seek out many friends so that you are not tied to one friend. She has traits you do like and some you do not. And a variety of friends will give you friendships of all kinds. I cannot say drop her as a friend but don't let it be your only friend. I don't sense she is jealous or resentful, just asks questions. And as far as her talking loudly, you mentioned it once so maybe she will make an effort to lower her voice next time but maybe next time keep private conversations at home or somewhere where you are alone. Having more friends will allow you to have some variety.

October 15, 2006
8:39 am
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Rasputin
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This is one of the reasons I agreed to make friendship with someone different from me. I got bored of having very kind sensitive affirming girlfriends and wanted to have a challenge and this challenge is bothering me.

I try to learn a lil bit of her tough, somehow cold approach which is very different from mine.

I think b/c I am reserved/shy person who minds my own business and she is outgoing/outspoken bossy person and this is where the conflict arises between us.

I really don't like to ask people so many personal question and she is totally the opposite.

I agree with you Alicia about her voice. Here in my country certain people talk very loudly which is something that embarrasses me anyhow. Mind you, she is not 1st nation, she is of European background but I think she is country girl.

Thanks (((Alicia))) for your wisdom. I will continue to give her the benifit of the doubt while setting some boundaries with her.

~Ras~

October 15, 2006
8:57 am
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Rasputin
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Thanks Taj for your answer which I always appreciate and feel like a click to it.

It is not easy to find friends. At work, I like people but b/c I live in metropolitan city and I am very spiritual person, I can't find a click with anybody in particular and I also don't want to make friendship with any body.

As for telling her about my own problems I wanted to see her perspective b/c she is very rational person and I am trying to become like that. She gave me some good feedback while at the same time she was more diplomatic neutral person which I don't like. I told her I am an honest person who likes to tell the truth.

Even in my own church now that I joined the choir, I love everybody and I was ministering to a lady from my church who was verrrrrrrrrry smooth-speaking at 1st to me. I took risk and invited her to my home and cooked nice supper for her with candlelight and gave her a brand new book of the book I used for my own healing as a gift. As soon as she is done with me, she showed her ugly face and started to abuse me verbally and emotionally. I was SO UPSET and even regretted helping her and inviting her to my place.

Now we see each other at church every Sunday. She also sings in the choir, so I will be seeing her today. I forgave her and have been praying for her and her b/f whom she broke up with and who comes to the same church and sings in the choir as well. Due to praying for her, I was able to notice changes in her attitude for the better and even I smile when I see her. However, I try to set limit with her as well.

Oh Lord, it is really SO hard to find a real soulmate same-gender friend with whom we can click with.

Thanks honey. I always enjoy hearing from you((((Taj)))!

October 15, 2006
9:25 am
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taj64
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At the time you did not know this friend would become abusive. What set her off this way? You are right, it is good for the dust to settle, yet you don't want to go back there again.

I think you are quiet, reserved, gentle person. You have a low tolerance for the more outspoken personality. To me that is obvious. So I would seek friends that are more like you than the opposite. SOmetimes opposites attract but that doesn't mean it is good. Im not even sure outspoken is bad for you but just "bossy" or "abusive" is. So I would think that an outspoken friend would be good for you as long as she was honest and not domineering. It could bring out the reserved nature in you that is hiding. I hope you can understand what I mean. Outspoken doesn't necessarily mean a cold person or a busy body. But I definately would keep distance from an abusive person.

October 15, 2006
9:54 am
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bonni
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Ras,
It may be that your new friend is both. What I hear in what you are saying is that you are feeling your boundaries threatened. We all have to decide to what extent we will allow our boundaries to be breached. In your shoes, based on what you've said, I'd create some distance. It sounds like its becoming too intimate too soon for you. My advice is to take it slow and be open to other relationships.

bonni

October 15, 2006
3:47 pm
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Rasputin
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Taj & Bonni - You described me very well. I don't like people who keep prying on what I have. I might ask my friend where she bought her shoes from ocassionally. But, it does not become a pattern each time I see her. With thi co-worker, she is like comparing between us all the time, outfitwise, performance wise, personality-wise and she ends up resenting me. I don't need that. She also calls me a lot, almost every week-end which I find overwhelming. I am jsut getting to know her and took a risk. And sometimes I let my kindness get the best of me. Also, I feel that she covets things a lot. Once I took out my make-up to re-apply my lipstick and she reached out over the desk just to touch my make-up kit even tho she has one similar to it and asked me where I bought it from. This happened in front of other co-workers men and women and I felt embarrassed at her frivolous behaviour to which she seemed not at all embarrassed.

Living in a big metropolitan city is NOT easy for a very spiritual lady. Finding people with likewise personality to me is very difficult.

As for the lady in my church, I think she was wearing a mask of being a nice person to suck me in and fool me into believing that she is genuine. Tho I was able to see that she was wearing that mask, I took a risk on her as well & gave her my phone # since it was requested of me.

She is probably BPD b/c sometimes she acts very nicely and sometimes she is very abusive. But at least she is changing.

The other woman at work, I checked my voicemail yesterday and found that she left a message to me. I will ignore it and will not respond to her. In this way, she will hopefully stop calling me every week-end.

Oh my God, I don't like people who move so quickly in relationship. I think she feels comfortable to me b/c I am the opposite of her personality.

Here again, we all make mistakes and taking risks is part of my healing. At least looking at the bright side, I learned important stuff from her about work which I was unable to know due to the fact that I have no friends at work.

So, I will start ignoring her phone messages and hopefully she will understand and stop calling me every week-end.

Thanks so much (((Taj & Bonni))) I love always reading your posts and feel a great click with you both. God bless you sweeties!!!

October 15, 2006
3:52 pm
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doubleloss
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hi ras. i've been reading this thread. if you don't feel comfortable with someone you don't have to hang out with them. period. however, i think it's important not to hurt people along the way. so, would it be wise to tell her you will be backing off the relationshiop for a while? personally, i don't like to just be ignored, ignoring someone you have a relationship with is hurtful and disrespectful, i rather know what happened. Maybe your friend doesn't even know what she is doing. Anyway, good luck. Hope all works out for the best.

October 15, 2006
4:06 pm
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smarterone
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Ras, I have to admit, im confused. I understand you dont want to be smothered by someone, but you also said you need friends. You have to understand, we are all different. I stay away from alot of people cuz i cant say what i want to like: mind your own business. But, i really put my business out there with everyone, i dont find anything to lie about cuz i have been thru so much, i dont care what anyone thinks about my life. Dont get me wrong, i am honest, and a good person but the only person i treat wrong is myself. I really dont think you are sure about what you want in a friendship. Try group things, not too personal. Good luck and god bless.

October 15, 2006
4:34 pm
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Rasputin
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DL - I don't like to hurt her feelings. I'm a sensitive person and may be that's why I wanted to get to know her b/c I want to acquire some of her tough/aggressive personality. If I say that I need some break from our friendship, I am afraid she will tell everyone, esp at work, that I am arrogant or think too highly of myself. I know this is not the behaviour of a true friend, but let's just see how it turns out if I say that to her. This will really PROVE if she's a true friend or not.

Smart - I DO use the phrase "Would you mind your own business?" when people exaggerate or ask questions I don't like or when they cross my boundaries. However, in her case, she is not a class girl, and I don't like that. She probably lived thru so much financial difficulties and that's why she covets things a lot & thus her cheap behaviour at work when she saw my make-up kit.

She is an aggressive, coveting, pushy country girl. Since this is the opposite of me, conflict is expected in a relationship.

I prefer the subtle treatment by ignoring her calls. If she asks why, I would say that I don't feel like going out b/c it's chilly day. However, she must know that I don't approve of her conduct, DL. I can simply tell her that I took a risk of knowing her and I found out that our personality is very different from each other and I am unable to put up with it & thus I need some time out to reflect on our friendship. If she gets angry, that is her problem and she is showing me that she does not respect me but rather enjoys abusing me.

I am a sensitive BUT ALSO someone who values HONESTY & OPEN Communication.

She probably interpreted my tolerance as someone who is weak or shy. Thus she continued in her unbecoming conduct toward me.

Thanks (((all))) for your honest feedback!!!

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