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Is she coming back? Am I being unfair to myself?
December 30, 2005
4:31 am
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FindingSelf
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I've been dealing with a break-up for about a month now, and I feel like I'm coming to more of an acceptance of the whole situation, but I can't shake the feelings I have for my ex. She broke up with me because "she would have been a bad person if she hadn't" by which she meant she would have officially cheated on me with her new boyfriend. All of my thought are directed at being with her, in a healthy relationship at some point in the future.

I've accepted responsibility for my role in the disintegration of our relationship, and Identified what I feel went wrong. Since Christmas we've talked on the phone everyday, and I saw her for the first time in three weeks tonight. We talked about inconsequential stuff for about an hour, then we got on to the topic of our relationship. She told me that she could see herself being happy with me, having children with me, and building a life together, but that she wasn't capable of this right now. She told me she loved me very deeply, and I told her I felt the same way. I have a burning desire to re-establish a relationship with her but am willing to wait. During the course of our meeting tonight, I tried successfully, to be understanding of her situation (I was in a similar situation a year ago), to be non-judgemental of her actions, and not to offer her any adivce, or at least any unbiased advice, and only when she asked. I told her that she needs to figure out what she needs to do that's best for herself, and not to worry about anybody elses feelings because this is her life, and nobody elses.

I then dropped her off at a street that was close to where her new boyfriend was (I'm a sucker for punishment!), and she hugged me and got out of my car.

I drove home, and called her immediately - no contact has been thrown out the window for the time being - and left her a brief voice mail asking that she call me when she got a chance, and telling her that there were a few things that I still wanted to say to her. I then began to write her an email that I though expressed effectively the way I felt, and that I would be willing to let her go, if that's what was necessary, and that I thought she was worth waiting for, and that I would hold on as long as I could while she sorted out what she needed to sort out. I then, because this was sort of a closure email for me, listed off the memories that I would always cherish that we shared. While I was writing this email she called me. She had only been gone for an hour which I wondered at at first but decided against asking about because it was not my business. She prompted me to ask the question, and said that she had gone to her bf and her friends, told him that she was out with me tonight, and didn't feel like staying - she'll call him in a couple of days.

She then asked what I was doing, and I told her I was writing her an email at the time. I told her I wasn't going to send it, but then asked if she wanted me to read it to her. We both cried aloud as I read the first paragraph, and then the list of memories that we both shared that stood out in my mind. She told me that she loved me, and that we need to take things slow if we ever got back together.

Now: Am I just being strung along. Are there demands that I need to make in order for her to have a little respect for me? I
ve already told her that I feel like sometimes that she's stringing me along so that she has a cushion to fall back on in case things don't work out for her and her new bf, and she's acknowledged that it may look like that, and she doesn't mean to but she's confused and feels guilt towards both me and her new bf for the way she's behaving. I told her that she doens't need to feel guilty and that she should make whatever decision she feels is best for herself at this time. Am I too much of a pushover, or am I being too manipulative? I told her that she needs to figure stuff out without putting too much pressure on her, and not forcing the issue for her, and that I need to know as soon as she does what I should do with my feelings. They run deep, but I can see beyond the relationship, and see myself as a happy person, but still have a strong desire for her in my life, and for her to be happy. I know I need to let her figure things out on her own, but I also don't want to let the gap between us grow any larger, because then I would never have a chance of giving our relationship another shot. I'm torn between doing what's best for myself, and holding on to these feelings for as long as I can, in the hope that she comes back to us again, and we can create many more happy moments and memories together. I know that this is not a healthy place to be in. I know the healthiest thing to do for myself is to move on, but I still can't and after all it's only been 4 weeks after what totals to be 2 1/2 years of a relationship, full of great times, and peppered with bad times as I'm sureall relationships are. I also believe that if we did get back together, this whole experience would strengthen our relationship, and we would both be much more appreciative of what we have in each other. I can forgive her her transgressions as she's forgiven mine, and trust her completely, and believe that what's she's told me is true.

Am I idealising a bad situation because I can't see through the pain that her decision has caused, and because she left me to be with somebody else? Is it just my ego that is bruised and should I move on and start a new realtionship fresh? I'm really not one for the "dating" scene, and don't feel that my masculinity is based on the number of sexual partners I've accumulated. I would like to share my life with her, but fear that I'm setting myself up for additional heartbreak because she's not emotionally available to me, despite the things that she says. I've had offers from other people for friendly dinners, coffee etc, but still cannot bring myself to betray her memory, and to give up hope for the relationship.

If you've read all of this brain dump, I offer you my sincerest thanks, I just needed to spill it everynow and then and do realize that I've probably repeated myself for the third time on this board. Any feedback you can offer would be appreciated and don't hold back!

December 30, 2005
4:54 am
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She's the one initiating most of the contact with me, and I don't want to ignore her, because I think that would send the wrong message. She suggested that we get together tonight, and she initiated contact with me over Christmas, boxing day, Dec 27th, Dec 28th, and of course today, although I initiated contact with her when I got home this evening. I'm very confused about what I need to do, and my heart and my head are at odds. Which should I listen to? Do I just think my way out of this pain, or should I feel my way towards more - that is what it feels like my options are, and I expect the next time we talk she will have changed her tune from the one she gave me tonight on the phone, to the one that she gave me tonight in my car. How am I ecpected to put up with this kind of treatment? I completly diverted from the original course I set for myself, and that was to put a stop to this behaviour from her, and while I did express my concerns to her for my own wellfare, she persists with making me feel special to her, even though she's still with a new boyfriend. On the other hand, she did tell him she was with me tonight, and that she felt she couldn't be there with him, and further more she's told me that "we haven't done anything yet and I'm sure you can use your imagination to figure out what I mean", and I can't help but trust her. If this is the case then I am hopeful, that she will be ready to start a new relationship with me eventually, but I don't want her to come back to the relationship with no respect for me, and thinking that she can get her way everytime. I don't want to go back to the way our relationship was when it ended, and we both acknowledged that there were problems that we weren't addressing, and we were both unhappy in the relationship for a time. I started to feel like the relationship was right for me a few weeks before she broke up with me, and started to find happiness in myself and in her. I realized that I had lost myself in the relationship, and that she had lost herself, and I began to make conscious decision that would benefit the relationship as a whole, and eventually turn it around, but I was too late. Maybe she got scared when things began to change, and thought that if she was going to get out and pursue this ne guy that she should do it now while the getting was good and justifiable. Everytime I seek closure she throws in an I love you, or starts to cry, and if I don't call her for a few days she leaves me emotionally charged messages on my phone and in my email. What the hell am I doing!! Am I tourturing myself? How long will I have to do this before I finally realize that it's over or before she wants to give us another shot? How can I move on with my life but leave that avenue open if she wants to come back?? Should I remain emotionally available to her, or should I be aloof and detatched from the situation as I have been trying to be? I have a lot of love for this woman, and more than anything want to see if we can get this to work, and believe that we can! How can I expect her to show me the respect I deserve if she does come back knowing that I have always been available to her? If we do get back together do we need to set strict boundaries during the initial stages of our new relationship? Maybe it's more trouble than it's worth? I don't think so though. The advice I get from family and friends is a unaminous "MOVE ON, IT'S OVER, SHE'S STRINGING YOU ALONG" but I will never not love her, and only time will numb my feelings, which I don't even want numbed. I'm tryin to maintin a detatched contact with her, but I get emotional every now and then like when I wrote her that email. Everything that she's pointing to seems to me that she wants to try once more. I don't even know anymore!! HAHAHAHA - I must sound so confused and be jumping all over the place! It's good to just get these thought out though... Thanks for the opportunity!

December 30, 2005
5:50 am
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Relationship Failure
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Hi Findself,

My heart goes out to you and I can totally associate with your situation.
My BF broke up with me 32 days ago after 5 years and I am devastated. Just trying to get through each day is so painful.
He broke it off during the summer for 6 weeks, then we got back together for 8 and then he broke it off again saying he didn't see the same future for us that I saw - marriage. It seems to me that as soon as I agreed that we should buy a house together he began to wonder if this was really what he wanted despite the fact that he was the one all along applying the pressure to make that move!
He is actually doing the no contact thing very well so I am not getting the phone calls etc that you are and that hurts too.
You sound like you really care for this girl and are, like me ready to take it to the next level and she has now gotten scared.
Its so easy for family & friends to say move on with your life but that's not so easy to do.
My gut feeling for you: The fact that she is still maintaining contact with you suggests a) she is keeping you on the back burner in case things dont pan out with this new guy or b) she's very confused and is not sure if your the one for her. Either way, to be seing someone else and still have you available to her is totally unfair.
I think you should in a kind & honest way tell her to not contact you again until she has really thought things through and made a decision. I know it will be hard for you not to be in contact with her but at the moment she doesn't have the space or perspective to sort things out in her own head.
I can't promise that all will work out one way or the other but its worth a try.
I thought my BF had his feelings sorted out when we got back together the last time but he hadn't and it hurt jsut as bad the second time around. I'm still hoping that he'll change his mind this time despite all he's put me through so its one day at a time for me for the forseable future.
Why the hell does life have to be so difficult? Why can't people be happy when they find someone to love who loves them back?
Be strong

December 30, 2005
10:19 am
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taj64
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Well the biggest issue I see here, is she is being honest. She is telling you she is not ready. She is not available to you if she has a current boyfriend. She is stringing you along. She may care for you deeply but she is not going to be able to provide what it is that you want. Accepting this will go a long way in moving on. Your life should not be on hold. It is very hard to let go and stay away, but in time and in the long run, letting her deal with her own issues, and allowing yourself time to rebuid your life. Maintaining no contact though hard, allows you to face everything and to grow. It is going to be painful because it sounds as if you really love this woman, it is part of the process though and it does lessen. She is not available to you and the sooner you accept this, the quicker your pain will go away.

December 30, 2005
10:55 am
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funkybuddha
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Watch what she does not what she says! My ex could convince a nun that their was no God. He told me he loved me everyday. He called me everyday and we took romantic trips. The entire time he was sharing his bed with another woman. This your ex will never have to make a decision about what she wants if you make it comfortable for her. She has nothing to lose.

You have to cut off contact. I pround to say I'm 30 days clean. A hard 30 days (anxiety attacks, night sweats, dry heeves). She knows how and where to find you (at home) when she is out having fun with her new BF. People who love you that much don't go get new BF. I know this hurts. I have been there. I spent 8 years living in a fantasy. Only to wake up and find out that I was the one to blame for putting my life on hold. I missed out on soooo much. Careers, healthy friends, vacations all to be near the phone when he called.

You know the truth. It is right there in your heart. It is the fear that keeps you from moving on. You had your good times but this woman went and got herself another man. You deserve to be treated better than that! All of us here hurting for our ex's do. Learn to love yourself as much as you love this woman and I bet you won't feel this way in a month. I know that you are hurting right now. I was just there a few months ago. I'm talking from experience. You have to want to change and want happiness in order for it to come into your life.

I'm right here listening.

December 30, 2005
11:17 am
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Your story sound identical to mine. It is not going to end pretty. This is whats going to happen: You will decide to move on then she will convince you to come back. You will love the company and affection. However the same old problems will arise. You will break up again then at some point you or she will nolonger be emotionally available to the other. The one left out in the cold will be devastated and depressed. The way to avoid prolonged heartache is to break all ties and join me in the no contact club. She has already lost respect for you. Calling or being available for her will not help your situation. I learned the hard way and had my heart broken. Now I am on the mend. Take care brother.

December 30, 2005
11:54 am
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Thank you all for your responses. I did no contact for a week and she was falling over herself to get in touch with me. I guess what I expect from her is really unrealistic. "Break up with your boyfriend, come back to me now, and things will be alright!" I can't see how it would work like that. This situation is difficult, but I'm positive about my prospects for the future for the most part. The thing that makes this difficult, is that she waited for me when I went and got a new gf a year ago. She waited for 3 months, before I came back to her, after realizing that I had made a mistake. Should I not at least give her that grace period, and maintain occaisional contact just to keep that spark barely lit? I love her deeply, and believe she loves me deeply too.

December 30, 2005
12:26 pm
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Finding,

I think you need to focus on taking care of you and treating yourself with love and kindness.

She is giving you very mixed messages. Occational contact is not necessary if there is real love there. It can wait.

Yes, you made a mistake and acknowledged that. But you didn't leave the marriage. In this case your wife has gone farther than you went. She left the marriage to be with another man. How can you be so forgiving? She betrayed you. Not only that but she doesn't know what she wants. Where is your anger?

I still loved my ex-husband when I left the marriage. I still felt very emotionally involved and attached to him. I used to go over to our house everyday after I left to see him. But when I wouldn't spend the night he would whine. I lost respect for him for this.

He was being everything it sounds like you are but the result was I lost respect for him for not taking a stand for himself.

It sounds like you are letting your wife walk all over you as she pleases. This is not a way to win her back.

She is jerking you around and keeping you hooked by the things she says to you like 'I love you'.
It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

If my husband had taken a stand with me and said 'you can't keep coming over here and breaking my heart everytime you leave. I need you to stay away from me'. I would have had a lot more respect for him and probably would have gone to therapy with him.

You are giving her way too much leaway. Protect your heart and take some time out. I think you'd would be much better off to break all contact with her until she figures out what she wants. But I would tell her I won't wait forever.

Meanwhile, I don't see you dating other women while you are still in love with your wife. Its not fair to them and it won't work.

Rather focus on working on yourself and taking better care of you. Learn why you are accepting this treatment and crumbs from your own wife.

December 30, 2005
12:29 pm
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whether she comes back or not may depend a whole lot on how much you respect yourself and set boundaries on her to stay away.

The problem is that even if she does come back she could leave again. It sounds like she has a lot of issues to work on before she can be fully committed to a marriage and stay in it.

December 31, 2005
12:54 am
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Thank you all for all the great advice. Just one thing of note - this wasn't a marriage but it could have been if I hadn't been too far deep in my own shit to see what I had. I'm yonge and will bounce back, but I still don't want to move on from her. I was doing well, not seeing her for a time and the effect was her missing me and trying to contact me. I've fallen off that wagon but am going to get back on. I didn't respect her when she came back to me because I knew she was always there for me to go back to. She made it abundantly clear to me that she was waiting, and tried to give me everything I wanted and I walked all over her and became miserable, but couldn't see the whys. I felt miserable for the way I treated her but seemed helpless to change that. I know now that this wasn't true, and I missed an excellent opportunity for my own happiness. But I will not despair. I just won't make the same mistakes next time, and will ensure this by taking the time I need for myself, and developing healthier habits of living, and more independence. I still desire her to come back to me, and will always have a place in my heart for her, but I'm going to tell her once more what I can offer, and then ask her not to call me unless she wants to talk about reconciliation. I don't expect anything from her most of the time, and no contact is a necessity. I'm back in the club! Contact made me feel great since Christmas - no contact today but there is one more contact that is necessary, and it will proably take place in the new year. I want to be with her but need to let go before that we could be happy and in a healthy relationship together.

Happy new years everybody, and thank you for the responses!

January 1, 2006
4:50 am
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One other important note to this story: I broke up with her to be with somebody else. I was unhappy in the relationship because of the ways I chose to deal with my issues, and she because of the ways she chose to deal with hers. I realized one day that, because I had not given myself time to grow, and time to move on form my relationship with her, the relationship I ran to ended up being more of the same. I tried to hide the fact that I was seeing somebody else from her, in an effort to spare her feelings, but she found out on New Years eve last year that I was with somebody else. She still waited for another two months before I went back to her again, but I again went from one relationship back to an old one, without giving myself enough time to understand the why's of what was happening, and because I feared lonliness, but also because the connection she and I shared was too deep to walk away from, and the loss of that connection the first time we broke up was hidden by the feelings I had for my new gf. Looking back I can see the ways in which the loss of the connection manifested itself during the start and throughout the relationship I used to replace her.

New Years for me was hard, but not as hard as New Years was for her a year ago. This is a reason why I find it difficult to be hard on her and to be angry with her - I was there and I do understand.

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