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Is Relationship worth saving
January 17, 2002
12:18 pm
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Joeygirl
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My partner and I are trying to redo our relationship and fix some problems that forced us to quit living together. We both did things that were wrong, I started seeing someone else which my partner thinks is worse than anything she did.

My partner feels like she can't be with me and get all the things done she needs to so we live apart and see each other once during the week and on the weekends. Anything we do is usually centered around her and her new business she is starting.

Things have not been good as she doesn't really trust me anymore and I have a hard time trusting anyone. She says she now "looks" at other people and talks about the kind of relationship she wants to have, which she hopes with me.

We sat down and talked last weekend about how I felt the relatinship was dying and I needed to know exactly how she felt about me and we needed to decide together if we wanted to be together or break up (last year we broke up, she would call, we would get back together). I told her I couldn't take the back and forth anymore and if we decide to end things they need to be just that ended. (By the way I am female also) She told me she doesn't think I want the same things that she does, we sat down and talked about those and they are the same thing, I asked if she wanted to recommit to the relationship and she said she wanted a month to think about it.

Yesterday I saw her and she asked me again if I wanted the same things she did but what she actually said was "we are different in a relationship" and I said that's good, we shouldn't be the same and she went on and on about the past again. We got into a big argument which ended in me just crying because I've been trying so hard to hang on make ammends for what I've done and really show her how I love her, I've been reading books, making a point to help her do some things, been supportive of her business, etc. later she says I shouldn't have gotten upset because she's just wanting reassurance.

My question is how do I reassure her when, if all this keeps going on, I don't know if I want to continue on. The misunderstandings and miscommunications contributed to me doing some of the things I've done because I feel so frustrated that she doesn't see anybody's side but her. It's like she can't stand for someone else to be with me but if she's with me, it's all about me making up to her. How fair is this to me? I always feel like a bad person like I've wrong her so bad and the fact of the matter is I dated someone after we were broke up. I don't understand. I really love her. She asked last week if it would be easier for me to just find somebody new and I told her I don't want anybody else but the truth of the matter is, can things ever be right between us and why can't I just walk away. Do I like this? I don't feel loved, appreciated or respected at all.

January 17, 2002
2:13 pm
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Molly
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Ok, so like the song, you did a bad bad thing, there were your reasons that led up to it, but it still violated her trust which is going to take time to re-establish. However you don't need to be punished for it on a regular basis. We all have stories, hell I just got off the phone with a 62 year old man who has a 45 year marriage and was crying because his wife said its over, and hell a blow job isn't sex is it ????
The thing is in relationships there are rules and boundrylines, and your just not expected to do certain things, and when you get the urge to do things you should look at the relationship first, end it, or fix it, before you go out side of it. Trust is a very fradgile thing, once you break the circle, it can't be re-established exactly the same. Since it was to a point where you went out side of the relationship, why do you really want to hold on to it ? Guilt, shame, or what ? I am sure you are sorry you hurt her, just like that man is sorry he hurt his wife, but there are always consequences for our actions. Look into co-depenency, look into what you want out of a relationship, make some lists, and then make a decision, its not all up to her. Don't be a mayrter, or a victim.

January 17, 2002
2:33 pm
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Joeygirl
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Because I love her that's why I try to keep holding on. I really believed when we got back together she understood why I was trying to leave and wanted to work with me to make it better. I don't feel like she hears me when I talk to her, she says it's the way I say things so I try to say them differently but it always ends up me against her and whose hurting the worse, etc.

January 17, 2002
2:47 pm
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Molly
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Get Dr Phils book and see if that helps, Relational Rescue. Just be sure it is love, not emotional dependency. make some rules about the relationship, like no more talk about that one subject.

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