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Is my marriage normal?
February 7, 2005
11:55 am
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Emperorsclothes
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Been married almost fifteen years and in retrospect, the majority of it has been really awful.
He went through a period of drinking, then we seperated and i was on my own with my two year old and two other young ones for a year while he drank, brought a new vehicle and didnt pay taxes.
Now hes been home a few years and bankrupt.
Ive taken the biz under my name, and now my home is in jeopardy because he just doesnt charge enough for his services. I managed it better but i still have accumulated debts i never had before, and the debts from before we seperated and he went bankrupt went onto my back.
My credit is going bad, but i try not to blame. I make decisions too.
But i cant get out and work like he can. I am full time mom, house keeper and part time biz person.
He has recently quit working because of lack of contracts, although he convinced me to take out a huge page ad for a year ( ten grand on my back )
We are hoping this ad will bring the work we need, because he just doesnt have teh contacts any more. He has left some bad energy in the field because of his dishonest business practices and drinking.
Although he would never admit that.
I have forgiven him over and over, but he is home now, a lot and he doesnt help me much around the house.
Im still doing as much work as ever, in fact more so plus i have the added emotional stress of all these debts.
I am working to get a second morgage and start work full time, myself.
I have a lot, i mean a lot of anger and resentment towards him.
I find myself being verbally abusive and threatening.
I cant stand myself when i do this.
He is equally so.
I fantacise often about being with other men.
Although i love my husband..i think.
I cant chuck fifteen years.
We went to counselling and he chose to focus on everything negative the counsellor had to say about me.
My anger was out of proportion, i was defensive posturing, blaming too much ..blah blah. I didnt agree with a lot of what she said.
She said i had high expectations of the marriage, wanting him to spend an hour a day with me or a date night. She said whatever i need or want from him, i am not giving to myself..i.e time, love, respect, cooperation, honesty..
Normally i have everything together, but the last few months, with all the debts and b.s i just feel so exhausted.
I feel miserible a lot of the time.
Im normally a happy person.
My extended family is very cold and does not contact or support me.
I have one girlfriend who is in a bad relationship, herself, and we never hardly talk.
I feel pretty isolated and lonely most of the time.
I dont have a sound board.
If you dont mind, please sound back.
luv
emperor

February 7, 2005
12:07 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Emperorsclothes: In answer to your question- No! If this were normal, who the heck would want to get married? You have waaaay too much on your plate and no wonder you are so frazzled. You are putting the supreme effort into everything for everyone and not getting much in return. No wonder you fantasize about other men- this one sure isn't doing much. He's not even meeting your basic needs- like home and shelter and food on the table. If if doesn't like there isn't going to be any improvement, why can't you chuck 15 years? Or of you like, you can live the enire rest of your life like this. You can't do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. You're only one person, that also has real needs and feelings. You deserve some happiness too. SD

February 7, 2005
12:10 pm
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CAMER
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have you tried some Coda meetings to get out and meet other people with the same issues of Coda...
logonto: http://www.coda.org
or have you tried balancing your life by taking care of you, reading some coda books, taking time for the kids and time for your hubby to. Balance I think is the key for having a "full" life. And going to therapy will help, sometimes we need to let go of anger and resentment b4 going further. Keep coming back and venting.
(((camer)))

February 7, 2005
12:11 pm
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addicts wife
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Emperor... irst of all, I HAVE NO CLUE what "normal is' but it sounds like you are in a place in your life where you need to regroup, reorganize, and either address all these resentments (openly, honestly, and without attacking.) you have a voice, and you should be heard. IS he in AA?? does he still have alcoholic behavior?? There is a difference between not drinking anymore and being in recovery, and one of the first steps is taking responsibility. are you able to get guidelines for what you need personally and professionally??? have you set boundaries??? It seems like you may be trying to bear the weight of EVERYTHING all at once. dont try to tckle everything at the same time. Sort throuhg, and filter out what needs to be tackled first.. and make a short list, thne revise. IF you just have one looonnnngg list, then it feels like you'll never get anything accomplished, and hence the exhaustion.
You have strength, and courage, and this site ABSOLUTELY has support, and valuable threads to read, learn and vent... keep coming here, adn BREATHE........

February 7, 2005
12:22 pm
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addicts wife
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and try to put yourself FIRST. If this man is not even capable of gratitude, thanking you by at least doing the dishes, laundry,cooking YOU dinner while he is home eating bon bons, and NOT working... then I'd consider marraige counseling, CODA meetings and/or books. it's seems like this is long overdue, and you are only one person, doing the jobs of about 4. take care of YOU. Have faith... were here for you.

February 7, 2005
12:23 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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On top of it all, we havent had sex in months and i have needs.
He is not in recovery, he denies he has a real drinking problem, although he has admitted it in the past, when it suits him.
last week he had a "Breakdown" He told me he doesnt "feel" anything and he came to a realization that he has had little love all his life - his mom walked out on him at two years of age.
I was thinking ( ya and you had little for me )
I am happy for him, that he can now "feel" but he says he feels deathly depressed.
Hes not the only one..
He wont go to any counselling, unless its couple. And then during couple counselling he uses what he learns about me, against me during arguments.

I thought i was throught he majority of my codepdency, but obviously not.
I think im in the throes of it.
Im so angry and losing so much respect for him, but i keep telling myself, hey this isnt about him.
You got yourself into this.
But when hes around, sometimes i look at him and just feel like strangling him..heh..not good ( little humor )
Im wondering, ok, hes not perfect, but neither am i. But then again, i feel like i have things so much more together. Im holding onto this marriage, no matter how miserible i am.
Im doing it for our children.
Im doing it because im afraid for his future, for me being alone, because i do love him..
It just all seems so pathetic.
This isnt the stuff of a healthy marriage, is it?

February 7, 2005
12:56 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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I just got a call from him and i suggested he go to a.a. ( like the hundredth time in four years )
He suggested i go to "Rage anonymous"
God, hes such an A$$
I am angry most of the time, because he is such a blaming, immature, irresponsible ..A$$^@!#
I just cant stand it.
I feel like selling my home, taking my children and leaving.
Im worried that he might fight me in court, although my seperation agreement ( two years old ) gave me everything i need.
Sometimes i doubt my senses, taking him back like i did.
Its like im hurt and angry every single day now.
With other people, i feel respected a great deal.
With him, i dont feel good.
Is this MY stuff, or is this relationship destroying me?

February 7, 2005
1:10 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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He only drinks once a week and its outside the home. But when he drinks, he drinks until hes a zombie.
My mother thinks im making too much of it, i dont.
He drives when hes been drinking, and it angers me.
My mother wont come help me out here, ive asked her repeatedly. Shes 67 and retired, has nothing to do with her life, but sits on the internet all day, looking for men in Iraq to marry her (shes married four of them) one a suspected terrorist.
Im, thinking, god my mother is a nut job.
My father left us very young after beating my mother continually each week and almost every day.
I went into a terrible abusive relationship in my twenties, one in which he took my daughter from me.
Now im an excellent mother, and a dedicated wife. Everything i do is for my family.
I do take some time for myself, but not near enough, i know this.
Ive gained a hundred pounds in the past four years, i used to be slim and pretty.
Now i feel horrible.
I have a degree, talent and i dont use any of it.
Sometimes i feel like i just need to get the hell away from all of this.
I love my children more than anyone, but i know they would miss their father.
Hes younger than me, i do think he tries hard, most of the time..or is this denial.
He tells me hes "burnt out" and wants a new career, in the mean time, we need money.
aaaaagggggggggghhhhhh

February 7, 2005
1:19 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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I often have these days where i just want to sell my home, take my children and leave him.

February 7, 2005
1:22 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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In the same day, i will wonder how i ever felt that bad.
Its such a roller coaster ride.
One that ive been on for way too long.
Is it just the stress of money putting too heavy a strain on us?

Another thing that upsets me, he doesnt do much work on the house. I have to tend the gardens, power wash the drive way, clean out the gutters, fix things, he wont pick up a hammer, unless its for our business.

Whats with that?

umm im getting angrier by the minute, i need to take a break.

Any one else have any thoughts on this?

February 7, 2005
1:26 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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He blames me for the situations were in, stating i "mismanaged the business" well the business consists of him working and managing our employees and me paying bills and managing the money, what money he brings in from the contracts hes negotiating.
I can only manage what he brings me.
How is this my fault?
I cook every single meal, if hes hungry he comes to me to make him something.
I do all the laundry.
I wash and vacuum all the floors ( he vacuums occasionally )
I build fences with the help of my son, thank god.
Our ensuite bathroom has been unfinished for a year, he refuses to finish it along with our kitchen ceiling.
Sometimes i call him a "lazy A$$" its just soo frustrating.
Even my mother, who visited at xmas, said " you do way too much " but she wouldnt come help if my life depended on it.
I feel fatigue, stress, angry, .. i dont want to get sick.

What should i do?

Sell?

Get a seperation?

counselling?

chill pill?

February 7, 2005
1:30 pm
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ILSILS
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Thank you for sharing your story. it is a confirmation for me, sunds just like my life untill last week when i think we have finally ended it. i say i think b/c its only been a week, but man im glad i didnt do fifteen years of it. it took only 3 and ive had enough.

February 7, 2005
1:59 pm
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kathygy
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It doesn't sound like you have anything in your marriage worth saving. Your husband doesn't want to work on your marriage. Why stay in it?It doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of your marriage. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You're notg etting that. Your husband is taking advantage of you and sounds very imature. I see no reason to stay in this marriage when all you feel is anger and frustration and nothing is going to change.

February 7, 2005
2:08 pm
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CAMER
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you mentioned your mom thinks you are "making too much of it" well that is just her opinion.....it is YOU that has to live with HIM and his once a week zombie like drinking.

It seems like if your hubby doesn't get help for his drinking, then things will not improve, even with
counseling.

There is so much here to be looked at, but most important, if you are not happy with this man, then it is best to leave, cuz it seems like he will not get any long term help and seems to hold back on his love.

Best of luck & keep posting.

February 7, 2005
2:10 pm
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sdesigns
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Wouldn't it be great if there were such a pill. I think you are near a breaking point. Have you ever gone to AlAnon? It is a wonderful group that help to put the focus on you. If you have gained 100# this is affecting your health in a very negative way. besides the stress and anxiety. Your mother (even though she may be a nut case) was right about you doing too much- you're doing EVERYTHING. The evil part of me says- when hubby is hungry let him fend for himself. And maybe make something for you while he's at it. Geez. He's making me mad and i don't even know him! SD

February 8, 2005
9:11 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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so you guys think i should just chuck it in with him huh?
God thats hard.
Were going to counselling again, but ive just lost so much respect for him.
I really dont know if i can handle going through another divorce.
I just want to travel and live my life and put all this crap behind me.
I feel good, within myself.
I just feel crap around him.
...

February 8, 2005
10:01 pm
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GullyFoyle
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I feel good, within myself. I just feel crap around him. ...

Kind of a telling statement, don't you think?

Everyone here justs makes suggestions. You have to decide for yourself what is best. However, I don't think God wants us to be miserable.

It's your choice, however.

Gully

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