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Is my husband taking advantage of me?
September 5, 2007
5:47 pm
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safeinside
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I believe I am in a sick relationship. I also believe sick people attract sick people. My husband and I are both co-dependent, very insecure, and always relying on each other for everything.

I think I am a little more confident when it comes to work. We are young. I am 21, and have an administrative assistant job with salary and benefits, and I get paid very well for my age. He is 24 with no job (though he claims he owns his own junk removal business – which is very unsuccessful if you ask me), and no college education, nothing going for him as far as a career. I think he’s jealous of me.

Anyway, I’ve become pretty bitter with him and its destroying our relationship. For some reason he thinks that because I am making more money I should pay more of the bills. Well, I don’t agree. If we are both living in our apartment, both using the electricity, etc. then he should pay half. I pay my car payment in full and he pays for his gas. But the other bills he always expects me to cover because he doesn’t have the money, or something ALWAYS comes up like this time he says he needs new tires. The last two jobs he had were for scum bags that were “self-employed” and never paid him.

When I try to talk to him about this he is very defensive and says he can’t do any better than he is. He’s trying. Trying how???

I don’t know what to do. I am tired of being the one that takes care of all the bills. Help!

September 5, 2007
6:06 pm
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Anonymous
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I am a stay at home mom and my hubby brings home a paycheck. I take care of our child and I do just bout everything that needs to done around here and trust me, I work from am to nightfall and I am dead tired by the end of the day. We do well with this arrangement and so far we been able to this and feel its best for our family. Right now we have a crisis going on but we will manage, we always do.

September 5, 2007
7:40 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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safeinside,
IMO, if you feel resentful about what he is doing then he is taking advantage of it. That's how I gauge my reactions to my husband quirks and demands. If I am willing to give it, then it's okay, but if I feel angry and resentful, then we need to come to some sort of understanding about it. Now what to do is another story. That I can't tell you.

I earn the lion's share of our income and pay the lion's share of the bills. I am okay with that. But that is me.

How do you feel about other things in your marriage? Are you happy doing things with him? Do you miss him when he is not around? Find out what value you personaslly have on the marriage that will help. If you can't work it out. Seek counselling. You hear that a lot but really it can help you personally and as a couple (if he is willing)

September 6, 2007
6:46 am
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taj64
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well if you were in a marriage then the person who makes more money should pay more of the bills. How fair would it be to you if he made more money and asked you to contribute more than your share? In a marriage it is about compromise. But there are more problems to come if this guy cannot get his act together. He almost appears that he is using you because you are reliable and more secure. Do you really want this in a man, one who cannot hold a good job? It is not always about how much one earns but taking on responsibility. He is 24 and he is grown up now and time for him to be grown up and pay his own bills. All these things needs to be straightened out before the two of you ever decide to get married. Otherwise it is doomed from the start. A couple will work out better if your values match up and I don't think your live-in boyfriend matches up, this may be who he is and he may not ever change. I don't blame you for being angry but do think with your head if you plan on being with him long term. Some men don't end up ever growing up. And you are not his teacher, he needs to learn on his own, and you might not want to always try to fix things. It takes two in a relationship and he does need to do his share. Good luck.

September 6, 2007
6:47 am
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taj64
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Sorry I just read the title that you are married and did not realize your guy was your husband. My advice is the same though.

September 6, 2007
11:17 am
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nappy
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Is your husband taking advantage of you?

YES!

In this day and age, it take two people to make a household.
Your husband knows what he is doing. He don't want to work. He want you to take care of him. Regardless if you are making less money trying to pay the bills, he don't want to work.

And the reason why he is getting mad at you when you bring up the subject about working is because you is telling him the truth and he don't want to hear the truth.

Please, why should he be laying around the house while you is out there working? Why should he be just THERE, while you is trying to making a living and a household.

My thing is, if you are going to do bad, then do it all by yourself self.

And you have every right to be angry. That goes along with even if you had a roommate and that roommate is not working but you is paying for this person to live there. Please he or she would be kick and I mean kick straight to the curb.
Everyone has to pay there way in this life.

The only way that it is free and that is if you let it.

Nappy!

September 6, 2007
1:56 pm
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Raphael
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Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want to go to counselling to work things out or the relationship is over. If he is not cooperative and willing to help the relationship work, he's either very dense or he doesn't care enough for you to bother with him anymore.

Give it some time, maybe move out and crash with a friend or family member for a couple of weeks. If he breaks down and calls you (NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! IF YOU GIVE IN AND CALL FIRST, HE WILL USE THAT TO HIS ADVANTAGE AND CONTINUE TO DO AS HE PLEASES) with a cooperative and willing attitude, then move back in and give it a chance. Be strong.

Otherwise, you should consider separating. You're better off on your own or seeking a healthier relationship. You need to grow too and he's holding you back. He needs to learn how to grow up and you're not his Mommy. Teaching him how to do that is not your job Marraige is supposed to be a partnership!

Supporting a loved one is a responsibility we all have and should never mind---until it becomes an unnecessary burden. Then those people are just taking advantage of your good will and it stops being a loving relationship. Sometimes urging a loved one to be on their own will force them out of the nest and enable them to value their abilities to succeed in this world without being dependant on anyone else. It will also liberate you, which is entirely deserved on your part.

Remember, if it doesn't feel right to you, it isn't! Don't hesitate to take action where necessary for yourself. Frankly, his wedding vows of loving, honoring and obeying you are not being adhered to in this situation, and you have a right to seek counsel. Speak up! If you wait for him to change, it may never happen.

Don't end up like my mother! She was miserable for over 30 years until my father realized he needed help! Since they've sought help, things are getting better. But when I imagine how much time was wasted and how much sooner they could have enjoyed each other, it is very saddening.

Take Care! I hope things work out for you.

September 6, 2007
3:30 pm
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lettingo
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It depends on what is really going on with why he can't find a decent paying consistent job. I made more than my ex-husband and I paid more of the bills but I knew this doing into our marriage. He was at one time, a very hard worker and did his best so it was fine. He made up for it by doing a lot around the house. It depends on if your husband is just taking the easy road and is letting you carry the burden. I agree, counseling may be very helpful in this situation. Many relationship end due to financial stresses. It is important to get a handle on this now because it won't just go away.

September 6, 2007
4:29 pm
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Anonymous
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I don't work, my husband does, he gets paid for his job and I don't...he never felt as if I were taking advanatge of him, infact he often helps me out with the housework when I need help...I do alot of things for our family that is not paid for, and I don't expect to be and I am not upset over it either, I figure its this way, we both do what needs to be done, sometimes he pulls in more when I am not well and other times, I am left with a heavy burden cause he is working over time, but the thing is we don't keep track of who did this or that, we respect each other and we help each other, cause we love each other...you can work, very hard in fact and not have a paycheck!!! Had to clear that up, cause someone did incinate here, at least I think so that if one person doesnt't work outside with a paycheck that they were a freeloader and it wrong and so far from the truth and it hurt my feelings too.

September 7, 2007
12:23 am
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glittered when he walked
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Hmm..let's focus on how you feel about him not earning enough for your liking, more so than is he taking advantage of you. The real issue for you seems to be that he isn't earning enough to cover a reasonable share of the bills. Does he do housework or take care of kids while he's at home and not working outside the home?

A marriage is a shared partnership. The idea that if both partners work thenboth partners shold split the bills equally, regardless of who earns how much is a very slippery slope. If that were the case then plenty of homemakers would really get the shaft. Ideally, if you make 60% of the $, then you ideally should pay 60% of the bills. It will "hurt"' you both equally. Now, if your share is appreciably greater, then I think it's fair for you to exert more control over spending. Also, if your share is becoming too great for your liking then you must choose between having him earn more, or dissolving your partnership. Some people can make marriages work where one spouse works and another does not - some even prefer that.

September 7, 2007
1:15 am
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fantas
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Seeing as soceity has been okay to have women stay home and have their husband support them, I'd have to say I do not think your husband is using you. It doesn't seem like he was any different from what he is now when you married him. He is abviously not doing as much as you are but as you said, he is not as driven, educated, and has less going for him as you. So realistically, it would be difficult to contribute equally to the household.

I feel like this is not the main issue with your relationship. It's simply the thing you are directing your disappointment with yourself, your husband and your marriage at. Perhaps you are disappointed that you married a man such as himself who you cannot leave due to your codependency. It sounds like you looks down on him because he doesn't have a good education like yourself. You feel that he may be jealous of your success which might be you projecting your feelings onto him.

Have you talked with your husband about these things? Does he know how his lack of drive is affecting you? I's suggest couple's therapy for the both you.

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