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Is my husband co-dependant or is this normal?
March 23, 2007
12:48 pm
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Seeking Freedom2
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I have been married for 14 years. My husband still feels 'unloved' and 'unworthy', and I feel smothered. I always blamed myself for not loving him 'right'. But now he has failed yet again, failed in numerous businesses, bankruptcy, no-follow through, and his word seems to mean nothing to me or anyone else. He is a genuine, kind person, but he fails miserably in whatever he does. It's almost like he subconsciously sets himself up for failure and I'm stuck on the roller coaster! He is miserable, shame and guilt ridden and sad. What is this? And how can I help him?

March 23, 2007
1:29 pm
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nappy
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I wish that I could give you the answers but just my opinion here. Yes your husband does seem like he is codependent.
You say that your husband feels unloved and unworthy and you feel smothered is because you maybe have been trying so hard to show your husband that you do love him and to him that is not enough. He probably don't love himself and is always wanting you to show him that you love him and sometimes that can be draining.
Don't blame yourself for not loving him right. You must been doing something right, you been with him for 14 years. It just that maybe now you is starting to recognize that you is ready to get off of the roller coaster.
Is he going through any kind of depression?
Does he sit and complain and complain and even when you try and help him, he don't hear you but just still want to sit and complain and feel sad like there is no hope?
Have you ask him about his self esteem and is it high or low?
Is he currently working now?
Nappy!

March 23, 2007
2:01 pm
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Hi Nappy,

He isn't depressed that I can tell. He is always saying 'everything will be just fine'. But he just continues to make the same mistakes over and over. You are exactly right in my reasons for feeling smothered. I try and try to show him, but it's never enough. He has terribly low self-esteem and I believe feels worthless. It's like he needs me to make him feel like he is worth something. But as we know, that just doesn't work. He doesn't think that anything is wrong with him, but that he just needs to try harder. I'm tired of the same old cycle of failure. He is still working, but facing 3 lawsuits. We are looking at losing everything, and it's stemmed from his inability to communicate with people or stand up for himself. People walk all over him because he comes off as 'weak' and insecure.

I'm so tired of being victim to his failures and stress. I just want to be happy and free from this incredible burden.

March 23, 2007
2:30 pm
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nappy
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I understand everything that you are saying. I was once in a relationship like the one you are in and it is an never ending story with those type of people.
My ex must of had low self esteem because he was always asking me did I love him and I was trying so hard to show him that I did until I realize that I was the one codependent and that I was the one that was letting his way effect me.
I did feel smothered and I wanted out of the relationship because there was nothing that I could of done differently that could of have him to feel good about himself. The only thing that I realize that once I left I wasn't his reason to be happy, he wasn't happy with himself.
I did lose everything because of him, and I was very angry with him. Even though he tried to get me back and I did thought that we probably could do this again, I starting learning about myself and my codependent toward him and I had to let him go.
I am not saying that you need to do the same but that is what I had to do in order to find the peace and freedom of being happy of his burden because they were not mines.
It took me a long time to realize that you can't make anyone happy, they have to be happy within there self and that trying to make a person happy can sometimes make you sick and really sick because mines landed me in the hospital and that is when I realize that I don't want it anymore.
It is sad through but I guess that is life and sometimes we have to think about OURSELVES in order to get the peace that we need.

March 23, 2007
2:57 pm
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nappy
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This thread made me laugh about myself because I can remember one day that my ex said to me, he ask did I love him, and I said yes and he told me that I had a strange way of showing it and I thought to myself,

And the love that you are showing me, I should be jumping up for joy, please. I told him he needs to look at himself and how he was showing me his love then to be wondering and worrying if I love him so much.

It just that you can stand on top on your head and spin around, or even have green stuff spitting out of your mouth and they are still not satify with how and what you do in order to show them that you love them. I told him that if he didn't feel it then that was his problem not mines.

You just had to me thinking with this one. And it is not normal for them to be acting like that.

March 23, 2007
7:01 pm
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revelation
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It sounds like you are both codependent.

March 23, 2007
8:45 pm
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taj64
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I think your husband need to build up his confidence. His successes need not be meassured but valued. He needs to be valued and treasured, not compared or looked at for failure. When he can feel good about himself, none of that other crap will matter. What is really great about this, is that you care enough to help the one you love. And support his growth but recognize that nothing you can do for him but guide him and not do it for him. Guilt and shame are useless emotions. They don;t do him any good or anyone else. But he can find himself and appreciate qualities he does have. Sometimes tough love is best love, you have to step aside for him to realize he needs to not expect it but do for himself. If both of you feel good about yourselves then somehow love will meet and be compromised.

March 24, 2007
10:48 am
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hbdude2k
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Seeking: I just read your first post on here and you just descibed me to a "T" when I was in a relationship with my fiance', now broken up and moved on. I totally used to be that way, bankruptcy, never could finish anything, always said everything will work out great, always wanting love blah, blah, blah......Ok, he is so codependent that I don't even think that word is correct for him. He is basically a pussy. He has no self confidence and always wanting people to show him attention. He is an attention whore....That is basically what it boils down to..Here is how I overcame this codependent stuff. We ended our relationship, I was in therapy already because (she) told me that I needed to go and check it out. (basically saying I was [email protected]%$*D up and need help in a nice way) What did it for me and for me to take in the therapy that I needed, is that I didn't have a girlfriend for months and months and that allowed me to go home with no distractions. I started to go to the gym, eating healthy, journaling, more therapy once a week, going to CODA meetings and just building my self confidence level up so much that I don't need anybody to tell me how great I am. I took the time to find ME. Thats what he needs to do. All this shit boils down to how he was raised. I'll bet his mama raised him mostly. He was never able to grow some balls for himself. Well, now my balls are so big from all this help and setting goals for myself that life is really easy to deal with now. Now I can see how miserable my last girl was with me. I understand what I was doing to lose her. Now I have moved on, my kids are used to changes now and I am one happy camper. You need to get rid of the man for 90 days, no contact, and tell him to grow some you know whats!!! He needs this time to get help, but he also has to want to do this for himself. Good luck sister! Hope something will work for you so you don't have to babysit anymore....

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