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Is my friendship over?
October 31, 2006
1:30 am
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goshfather
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Hi this is my first time seeing this site. Here is my delema. I have been friends with woman for 20 years. I watched her from a distance through 3 marriages, 3 divorces and drug/alcohol addiction. We became mentaly intimate in jan o5 and sexual in 5/05. She has childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, adoption issues and I come from a fairly normal non addicted family that is intact. However, when I hooked up with my frined sexually I also became drug/alcohol addicted until I chose to enter treatment in june of this year. That is when she moved out. Now she is doing one year in jail and getting treatment for her addictions but not for her coda issues, or childhood tramas. She wants to maintain our friendship and so do I but both of us swear that we can't have a "relationship" for at least one year after she is free. What should I do? I write 2-4 times a week and visit each week if asked. Thanks

October 31, 2006
1:33 am
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Randomwomen2
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She has a tough road ahead of her. She needs treatment for her childhood traumas. She is going to need a friend. I think giving it some time would be a great idea. I wouldnt discontinue the friendship though. I would find away to recomend counseling to her.

October 31, 2006
1:42 am
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goshfather
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Thank you that is what I feel but she has told me to get help with my coda issues and I am jsut tonight seeking to understand those issues. I realize that I am not perfect and am in some ways responsible for some of the "problems" we have. She always shys away from professional help about the childhood stuff and seems to lack the words to express her true feelings except when high on coke/crack then we could talk about it with some clarity. Crazy sounding now that I see it in print.

October 31, 2006
1:43 am
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Randomwomen2
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Why cant you both get help at the same Time?

October 31, 2006
1:46 am
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goshfather
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I am open to taking advice, how can we do this with here in jail? where can I get help for myself that will benifit this relationship or myself at the very least help me understand more aobut coda?

October 31, 2006
1:51 am
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Randomwomen2
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There is a book called Codependant no more that I heard is exelent. There are also coda meetings that you can find or just see a counsler

October 31, 2006
1:53 am
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goshfather
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Thank you. I feel at a disadvatage in my friendship/relationship with "Bisket" because she sets the rules and has been married 3 times and to me, very attractive. I have never been married and take love very seriously while she just "loves" everyone. thanks again.

October 31, 2006
1:59 am
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Randomwomen2
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A lot of her issues stem from her childhood hunny. She probably has issues with feeling deep love and it probaby has to do with her control issues too. I think for your relationship to truly work you both need to get some personal help. You both need to be able to bring 100% into the relationship not 50/50

October 31, 2006
4:20 pm
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atalose
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I think you need to work on you, focus on you getting counseling and finding meetings in your area. I don't think alot of help can be offered to her in jail for her issues. The stronger you get the more prepared you will be to help her when she gets out. If you write her letters you may be able to offer new coping skills you learn, share your recovery with her through letters.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 31, 2006
5:25 pm
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Simondo3573
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Sounds very much like my wife who I have recently seperated from abandonment adoption issues a very needy alcoholic drug user for me its been seven very painfull years. I too tried to keep up by drinking smoking pot pills etc. We too had very lucid talks of how things could be when we were high but thats the thing we were high not straight and its easy to feel that its all going to be OK when your stoned but thats not reality. These people of course can only change them selves and that is one hell of a task. You can not help her only she can. I kept and still do a little thinking if only she knew how much I loved her things would get better (For me they did not)and I could help her but really because my bounderies were for ever having to be set wider to fit her in I was just enabling her to carry on what she has done since a teenager. Since she left only 6 weeks ago my life has cleaned right up No drugs No drink kind of begining to realise that this was a pretty toxic relationship my head is clearing and that feels goog. You may well keep a friendship but you are right she would have to clean up get councilling and stay that way for any chance of happiness. My thoughts are with you my friend.

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