Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Is midlife crisis real or just an excuse
January 4, 2006
4:01 am
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My x is 56. He started talking about his immortality and how he was running out of time. Then wham bam an affair with a 30 year old. Don't really know the sequence of events, happened about the same time. But is this a real emotional thing that men go through or is it just an excuse to chase younger women?

January 4, 2006
6:34 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am sure this 56 y/o felt much younger being with a 30 yo....who knows, he could have used an excuse such as a mid life crisis for doing this......i noticed you said your "ex"....do you still talk with him or are you still seeing him??

January 4, 2006
9:31 am
Avatar
whidbey
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In my humble opinion, yes, I do think a "midlife crisis" can be a real thing in that at some point, especially after one or both parents pass (or even without that), one can begin to start to feel one's mortality, so to speak. However, I also believe a maturity factor should also come into play, especially if one is married. Sure, we all have moments when we realize that life does pass quickly, and we will never recapture youth. The mature person generally sees this as a passing phase and looks to find something meaningful with which to fill their lives, often including their spouse, or even not. The immature one chooses a more destructive path, such as your ex did, wreaking havoc and harming others in their panic. I don't think it is something we are "at the mercy of" and cannot control. It is up to us to determine what we will make of our lives. Just some random thoughts...

January 4, 2006
9:55 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think it's real if they think it's real.

I realized some things recently about people and their thoughts feelings and spirtuality and that is...normalcy is poor idea of things - people are different, what works for me mightn't work for another, but neither of us is maladjusted. Instead, I read something a therpaist had written about it's better to speak of things as being either functional or dysfunctional.

I think some folks do go through a mid life crisis. If they feel it, who am I to deny it? is it real or is it an excuse? It's real if they feel it is so, but I hesitate to call it an excuse...excuses "excuse" someone from wrongdoing. It might be the reason for his affair, but it doesn't excuse the affair. It might be a small point, but it's an important distinction.

January 4, 2006
11:04 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry , but I don't understand. If he is your ex then why is that your concern? Or he wasn't your ex before the affair?

It might be that he is immature, yes, but you would know that before his romance, being married to him.

It also might be that the marriage didn't fulfil his needs on some level. I don't know, you have to figure it out. If that was the case, and you were still married, he should communicate with you instead of cheating.

If you were divorced already, then it shouldn't be anybody's concern how old his partners are. Good for him!

January 4, 2006
11:11 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have the same question as Matteo - where you guys divorced when he was dating the 30 year old?

I think that midlife crisis is real - and it's medically proven. But does that mean he would be driven to someone younger?...I think that depends on his mental state. I have seen midlife crisis make guys do some crazy things that are totally illogical.

Where you married?...cuz if you were - midlife crisis is NO EXCUSE to cheat. There is NO good excuse for cheating.

But if you were apart...and he went after a younger woman - it may or may not be. Many older men are attracted to younger women - just the way it is. I have a guy who I assume is in his 50's chasing me, I am 34. He has kids my age. I laugh about it. He doesn't look like my parent's age - he is "well kept" - but I still could not mentally date a guy who is from my parent's generation. My parent's just bought their retirement home...this guy should be too soon...EEEEWWWWWW. My BF says even his wrinkles have wrinkles....EEEEEWWWWWW. In any case, I don't find guys that old attractive, but some women do.

I rambled - to sum it up - there is no excuse for cheating. However, hormones involved in midlife crisis situations may make him more attracted to someone younger. What he does with it defines his maturity level.

January 4, 2006
2:43 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes we were married when he had the affair. But because of the affair we are no longer married. I agree there is no excuse for cheating. And I agree he wasn't getting something from the marriage for him to cheat on me and the kids. And yes he should have spoken to me about his feelings before he jumped into the sack with someone else. And yes he is a jerk and after 20 years of marriage he should have had just a smidgeon of thought for someone else. Thanks for the imput. I get from your replies he is just selfish and immature.

January 4, 2006
5:39 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry, that must have been awful time for you, no matter what happened in your marriage what made him unhappy. He should have divorce you before running after someone else, if he was unhappy.

Is that that the affair ended and he wants to get back together with you and uses a middle life crisis as an excuse? Don't even think about it! No matter what, you cannot expect much good from him if he just jumped into other relationship before making peace with you. I understand that 20 years is a long time and people might grow apart, but that doesn't mean that they should disrespect and hurt each other.

January 4, 2006
5:55 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It turned out she was a prostitute and that he felt a fool and broke up with her. he is still in contact with her though. I think they would be together still but she wouldn't give up the game. They had talked about marriage and kids before he found out what she did. How seriuosly I don't know.
I would never take him back. He has realised what he gave up, all of a sudden values the life he had and wants to come back. But the answer is no. No excuses he made vows, he broke them. End of story.

January 4, 2006
6:49 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel like i've had a mminor midlife crisis. this started when my dh left me to go overseas to iraq and i gave up hope that he would come home. i turned 37 while he was gone and started hanging out with less mature crowd when I could get sitters, became ALOT more self conscious about my appearance and looking at a sportier car, flirting, etc. BUT, i didn't have sex with another man, I just desperately needed to feel validated as a woman and fight the aging. my mom says i'm beginning menopause (makes me feel better NOT). Anyway, i think the feelings are real and I understand the desperation to feel sexy and attractive, but i think that can be obtained without destroying your marriage. i doubt though that i would have gone through this had I not been coping with the very real possibility of being widowed, so i guess its not really a midlife crisis, but i think the feelings are the same.

January 4, 2006
9:33 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bonni

Did that validate you though and what stopped you crossing the line. I just need to try to understand, to see how much was my fault. I need that validation too. I am 42 over the hill. Think I have missed the bus. Feel like I will be alone now for ever and that is not what I want.

January 4, 2006
10:01 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

feline,

No way you will be always alone, you are a young woman!

There are people in their 70s who are finding partners! Just make sure that you understand what happened in your marriage, and give it time. You are not going to be alone unless you will chose to, which might be not bad, either. Chin up!

January 6, 2006
7:57 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

feline,
i don't know if i've found anything that works. the closest is that about once or twice a week, when i'm out alone in public, i'll smile at a man and get that smile back and that can last me a few days.

i still don't know for sure i didn't cross the line. i never had sex with another man, but i've certainly pushed it. however frustrated i have been, it truly wasn't dh's fault and i just don't have it in me to hurt him that way.

Also, i chose my company carefully. i might've flirted by phone with men who definitely wanted to sleep with me (old friends, who'd never stalk me and understood what i wanted), but i spent most of my free time with a man i trust 100%, who would never sleep with me; i mean have sex with me. he certainly put his life in my hands when he let me in his bed a few times. that being said, all he ever did was hold me and make me feel safe and gave me the only space in my life where i didn't have to be strong and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. i still need that, but can't let my weakness bare with dh yet. but that's my other issue. and sex would have destroyed the trust. Anyway, i NEVER did anything i didn't tell dh. I ASKED him if I could share a bed with this friend, before I asked friend to do this. DH has been remarkably supportive and understanding and trusts me and friend. i don't know friend's true feelings for me, and its better i don't, i guess. a life together would not be possible. i want him to have a family and the life he wants. i already have a family and a life. i hope we will always have each other as friends.

what are you doing to help yourself feel younger? i'm thinking of coloring my hair.

January 6, 2006
9:08 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How do you make yourself feel younger. And why would I want to inflict myself upon any other man anyway.

January 7, 2006
1:30 am
Avatar
kleinhead
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi feline...
I'm 46...going on 19. I have 3 grandkids..you've been through some pretty tough times..whether or not your ex had a real or imagined mid-life crisis..really isn't the point..because it was about Him...not you-meaning, there wasn't anything You could have -or should have done differently to save him from himself. I'm sure there are some very long nights that he is alone with his regrets...but, you..what about you?..I get the feeling that you're a very strong woman-who's had the rug pulled out from under her feet..what do You want to Do about it now?..spend the rest of Your life allowing him to make you feel bad and kick yourself for something He did?...somehow, I can't see you doing that. Don't take responsibility for the actions of another person. People only do to each other what they can--don't let him cause you anymore grief-draw the boundry line. Everyday you wake up--is a new day-what do You want to do with it? cuz, ya know, it Is your day...be selfish-it's okay to put You first.

January 7, 2006
2:02 am
Avatar
FindingSelf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't really habe any real perspective on feelings that somebody has during a midlife crisis, but I do have some indirect perspective. My father had a semi-classic midlife crisis. He didn't get the sports car of the classic MLC, but he divorced my mother and married his high-school sweetheart. Doe this predispose me to the same thing? Is a midlife crisis a physiological or an emotional phenomenon, or a mixture of both? Is there a real distinction between physiolgy and emotion?

I think in my fathers case, he never really had time to find himself, and defines his existence and himself by seeing himself reflected in his wife. I think for him it was more of an emotional experience. He married young, and remarried quickly. There are definately elements of extreme codependency in his personality, that have transferred to my own, through learned behaviour. I'm trying to help myself young, so as to avoid this kind of pain later in my life.

I can't come anywhere near to understanding the pain that looking back on a disappointed life would bring at his age, and I've caught myself mirroring his behaviour in the realtionships that I've been in, and think I'm beginning to understand the causes of his torment.

A mid-life crisis is extremely painful for everybody who is closely related to the person going through it, but probably the most painful for the individual and his life partner (I think men are more likely to go through this, although it may be a bit of a stereotype!). As a child or a young teenager growing up with a parent who doesn't understand himself, and removes himself from the situation he is in, especially when it's your dad, it is extremely painful.

My dad changed his personality very quickly to better reflect the person he was with and that was also hard to understand until I had a had a few relationships of my own. I think to process of going through a relationship, having it fail, and picking up the pieces is an essential aspect of a fully lived life, and an important factor in achieving the maximum amount of self knowledge. My dad married the first person he slept with, had 4 kids and bolted when things didn't work out the way he thought they would. He never got over fears of being alone, and of being abandoned, and gave up in the relationship he had with my mother. I say bolted but he is still in my life but a different person now, an not the dad I remember when I was a child. What makes it more poignant, was that he married his high-school sweetheart, which was a relationship he had ended just after highschool.

He was definately trying to make right the life he thought he should have had, and I know now that his actions, in fact all of our actions, are only a reflection of ourselves and nobody else. He is the one who eventually has to accept responsibility for his actions, as I am the one who, now as an adult has to accept responsibility for my own. This has taken me almost 13 years to figure out, but I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on the situation.

I think it is important to understand that, as a casualty of a person going through this, is that it's not your fault! You are in control of your own life and nobody elses. There's nothing that can ever be done, if your life-partner has emotional issues that were never addressed by themselves. I see in my mother a person that has grown very bitter over the divorce, and has never really been able to move on from it after 13 years. There was never really a process for coping that she was able to develop, although having spoke with her a few nights ago I can see that she does understand a bit of what happened in her relationship to my father.

I know I've just ramble on about my own situation as an outside observer and a casualty of a mid-life crisis, but I hope that there's some perspective in here that can help anybody else who has been affected by this. Nobody was there for me when I was dealing with this, and the right person to help, and some role models that were more suitable to the ones I adopted would have saved me a lot of heart ache and wasted time and energy.

Best wishes,

FS

January 7, 2006
2:34 am
Avatar
FindingSelf
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

More to say!

Whether or not a midlife crisis is real:

The words midlife crisis acknowledge that enought people have an experience close to the middle of thier life that is considered to be a crisis.

crisis:

1) an unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty; "they went bankrupt during the economic crisis"

2) a crucial stage or turning point in the course of something; "after the crisis the patient either dies or gets better"

Source: wordnet.princeton.edu

The fact that it is so named, leads me to believe that midlife crisises are real, otherwise they'd be called midlife excuses!

Somebody who is truly happy with themselves will not have a midlife crisis. They will never fear the end of their life because to be truly happy, you need to be able to accept death as a natural process of life, and understand that you will one day die. You will not exist here, like this forever. Your mind will cease to function on this plane of existence, and you will no longer be able to affect events on this planet. One day, nobody lef alive will remember you that way you were, and nobody will be able to accuratly descrive your personality. So it is with everybody. There are famous people throughout history that live immortally on the lips and in the heads of other people, but do you think they really care? Is the personality and the essence of Einstein still proud of his achievements now that he is dead and gone? I would say no, but I would also say that Einstein lived a portion of his life as full as possible and used the gifts that he had to create for himself a life that he felt was worth living for himself and through himself.

Whether or not there is an afterlife I can't say, but I can say that if there is, it is not like existence as you know it on planet earth. It would seem incredibly pointless to me to have something as incredible as this universe and that's it... nothing else beyond this. But maybe it is all pointless?

Happiness comes from within, as does confidence, and vitality. If you tend towards codependency you risk losing yourself in the relationships that you have and you risk waking up one day and thinking this is not the life I want! The best part of it all is, is that you can start making your life whatever you want it at any point in your life because you are still alive. Your possibilites are endless while you are living. You can achieve anything because you are the source of your power, and you are the source of your feelings, and you are the source of your perception, and you can change it all. You decide how you look at things. You decide how you react to things. You decide how you respond to external signals, and you ultimately decide how you respond to internal signals, thoughts and emotions.

Happiness is not a right. Your soul is not a right. Happiness is nothing without sadness, pain is nothing without pleasure, love is nothing without heartache. Happiness is worked at and discovered within. Your soul is earned through suffering and hardship.

These words are meerly a reflection of myself at this point in my life. Everything I've been through up to this point has an impact on what I write and how I write it, and the way I choose to respond to everything, and the way I choose to percieve my reality gives my words their meaning.

January 7, 2006
5:07 am
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Finding self

To quote my mother, "These things are sent to make you a better person." Very similar to your, Your "soul is earned through suffering and hardship"

My answer to that I'm good enough. I have one chronically ill child and my second child died. I have earned my soul. I beleive I am basically a good person. I put others before myself. I am an excellent mother with three wonderful children (when they are in the mood) to prove it.
That is just a rant, I just really don't think I can cope with too much more hardship in my life. I don't want to be any better. LOL

Is your father a vain man? My x is. He can't stand to look in the mirror and see he is getting old. He is going bald. Has spent thousands trying to stop the process. The fool. I just wonder how much this has to do with it.

January 7, 2006
8:43 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Finding Self,
You are so right. For the past year, i've looked back on my life and how it got me where i was and saw that i had become miserable, lonely and without hope. i wanted to be in a partnership where we both could pursue our dreams and work together to make a family. i had that for eleven years.

Then one day, dh got on a plane and flew to Iraq to do something i consider morally wrong (not open to debate here) AND left me to do ALL the work of raising our family and keeping our home and trying to emotionally support him in the hope he'd make it through the deployment without murdering anyone and come home whole and able to parent our children.

What I am going through is painful for me and I'm sorry its painful to the people around me. I have made every effort to seek validation through appreciative glances rather than hotel rooms. I want to know I'm still attractive and I don't think its unreasonable, as long as I don't start making dates with strangers and seeking more.

that being said, the hard work now is in trying to figure out how to salvage what is left of my life. I am a single parent with a husband as her third child. i am a wife now, not a partner. i take care of him NO ONE takes care of me. i am always drained and tired. the occasional little lifts from strangers help a lot. dh looks at me like; well he wants sex; doesn't seem to care that i'm dying inside. i talk to him, but he doesn't hear - he's dealing with his own anger and bitterness about the past year. he's not happy and needs needs needs.

my career is badly damaged by the year he was gone, because i kept having to drop work to parent and take care of our home and cars. i take my parenting responsibilities very seriously and do love my children. bottom line, there's no joy left in life for me. nothing i enjoy, no time for pursuing my dreams. i have to now cart the kids to dance lessons and start girl scout cookie sales. what i'd rather do is crawl back in bed and cry.

January 7, 2006
3:34 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Feline,
Why do you feel like you would be inflicting yourself on another man? There are so many people just looking for someone they enjoy spending their time with. I love my time alone, and I cherish the time I spend with my dearest friends.

Also, you are not old. I think sometimes we are so weary from our experiences that we feel old. the main thing that helps me feel younger is exercise. it gives me energy and helps my body feel more flexible, which feels great.

January 7, 2006
3:56 pm
Avatar
crandola
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I still find it curious that marriages end after 20 some years, but you hear about it more and more. I'm not so sure it is about having a mid-life crisis - although I believe this happens to men and women. I meet more people who are unhappily married everyday. I don't understand how they live like that, but divorce is complicated, costly, public, etc. If you spend 20 some years lying to yourself and your family about who you are, what you need, and what makes you happy, I'm not surprised that one day it just explodes. I'm not trying to comment on anyone's particular situation, I'm just musing about the whole phenomenon.

January 7, 2006
4:34 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

crandola,

How about better late than never? Especially when the parental responsibilities are over, you grew apart, so what is there to keep you together? Your dysfunctions? I am also not commenting about any particular situation.

January 7, 2006
5:25 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Crandola, I didn't think it was a bad marriage. We had our ups and downs. But I thought we were basically happy. He had his faults and I guess I had mine. that is why I think it had a lot to do with his age. I maybe just grasping at straws, maybe he was miserable, he says not. But then he is a chronic liar.

bonni, He tells me now what a terrible person I am, and how nasty I have been to his friends and family, how I am manipulating and how I push him around. This isn't the person I think I am and when I ask for examples he can't give me any, but I now doubt myself. I think of myself as kind and thoughtful. I beleive I have always put him, our children and his children first. But maybe I am just as crazy as he says I am. Why would I inflict myself on someone else. I just might be this person he says.

This sounds so mixed up. I know, but in one breath he says one thing and in the next he says another. Really don't know anymore.

January 7, 2006
6:45 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Feline,
I just can't believe that you are a terrible person. From what Ive read here, you strike me as kind and sensitive and caring. i definitely do not think you could have caused what your ex went through and did to you. when you write about him, you seem compassionate.

i think we all have rough patches and days that others don't want to be around us, and given what you've been through, who could blame you? I hope that you can see all the wonderful things about you that you have to share with the world and future companions. i'm glad you started this thread and we've had the chance to meet. any man would be fortunate to get to know you better.

January 7, 2006
6:51 pm
Avatar
feline
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bonni

I really think I need to wipe this man out of my life. The trouble is I don't know how.
Most of the time I don't take on board what he says to me. But sometimes I sit down and think is that me. Would I be nasty to his grandchildren. To the best of my knowledge I have treated them with love and kindness. But he keeps saying "They have done nothing to you. Don't take it out on them". I have absolutely no contact with them. I can't see what I am doing. I think I have had enough abuse.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
34
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714259
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information