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IS LOVE IMPORTANT!
January 18, 2007
12:30 am
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wannabe
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I need your honest opinions expecially those who have been married.

I am 26 and not only the eldest in my family but also the eldest grandchild. most of my sisters, brothers and cousins all younger are married. am facing alot of pressure from my family to get married too.

I do desire to get married too, but I have a reputation of falling in love with the 'wrong' people. I either fall for someone who does not love me back, somoen who is married, or someone who abuses me.

I have gotten a few proposals from 'nice' men, those who are religious and want weddings and claim they love me, but I always turn them down because I just dont love them back.

Do you think love is important, would I rather marry the one I love or the one who loves me and I dont love them back just beacuase they are seemingly right?????

please advice me!!

January 18, 2007
12:41 am
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doubleloss
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LOVE is the glue, marriage is hard enough, so if you are not absolutely head overheels w/your husband and him w/ you don't go down that road. Save yourself a lot of headaches, heartbreak and possible financial ruin. You're ONLY 26, I hear that you feel pressured but listen to your heart and your head.
If you keep falling for the wrong guy take your time to learn why, counselling, therapy, these boards. Remember that only a healthy person can have a healthy relationship.

So, take your time and have faith that the right guy for you is going to show up when you are ready. Get healthy, be happy with yourself and don't let others dictate how it is you should live your life.

I was married for 12 years, very much in love w/ a great guy and he with me, and we are now getting divorced...long story....all I'm saying is that there are NO guarantees, we have to give it all, give it our best shot and hope for the best....BUT the best is never going to happen if you don't start with good solid ground.

all the best.

January 18, 2007
12:57 am
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Loralei
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Love is the ONLY reason there is for getting married. Unless you BOTH feel it for each other, do not get married!!!! Date lots and lots of guys. Don't give your heart away too soon. And don't let anyone pressure you into getting married. That's the dumbest thing for anyone to push on someone. You are better off alone than being married to the wrong person.

January 18, 2007
1:22 pm
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readyforachange
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they call it a loveless marriage for a reason, and it isn't something you want to be in. So, unless you love the guy, don't marry him.

January 18, 2007
1:34 pm
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taj64
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26 is pretty young and you have plenty of time. The only person you need to listen to timetable of getting married is your own self. My advice to search until you find someone you do love and has all the qualities you are looking for. Love is very important in the mix of what you are looking for. Because you intend on being with this person for the rest of your life and you will need to love them for all the changes that will happen through the course of the relationship. And course he will love you in return. Love is part of companionship and feels good and can last a lifetime even if this world doesn't show as many examples, they are out there.

January 18, 2007
2:14 pm
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soprano2
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I would say that the people who are pushing you into love are getting confused between infatuation and love.

You need to understand the difference for yourself if you are going to have a successful, healthy relationship.

Infatuation is very fleeting, and most experts that talk about infatuation and love are believing that the reason the divorce rate is so high is because people confuse infatuation for love. Love has a stronger foundation. Love needs to be worked on.

Perhaps your patience in the end is going to really pay off. I wish I had learned this lesson earlier in life. I would have saved myself a lot of pain.

Good luck and I hope that you do find love--in your definition of love.

s2

January 18, 2007
2:30 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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I agree. Don't merely settle for marrying someone, just because, they seem like the "right" kind, to you. If you do, then that right there, will be sure to guarantee unhappiness.

Listen to, and follow your OWN heart my love. And, don't allow other people's "influences" to control, the choics that you make, for yourself.

Take care.

Trying.

January 18, 2007
2:45 pm
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thumkin
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It has been said before but is worth saying again and again. Marraige is hard enough when you love the person with all your heart. It is impossible and does horrible things to you when there is no love. Even like is not enough.

January 18, 2007
7:52 pm
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chickyfighter
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I want to know if you have eer been n love, and how would you describe that?

Are you sure you were not attracted to them b/c they were not good for you? (you say you have a reputation for falling for the wrong ones).

I wish you the best, if love is not unhealthy then I vote love too, but I just think we confuse that word.

January 18, 2007
10:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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It depends what you mean by "Love."

I think the most important thing for our mental health, love-wise, is to develop the capacity to give love and receive love.

Intimate, sexual relationships are a great place to learn those skills, but loving does NOT have to be in the context of a sexual relationship.

You are still young--you might have other pieces of your life to put together that are more urgent than finding a loving partner. Like education, career....

I think the important question is what does "love" mean to you? How "important" is it to you?

January 19, 2007
12:18 am
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serenityali
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I define love as a friendship that has turned on fire. My advise is to hold out for love. You loving him and he loving you.

Ali

January 19, 2007
12:28 am
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wannabe
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wow, thank you for all the advice.

doubleloss
thanx for that about love being a glue, its an insight. about healthy people and healthy relationships, its something to think about.

chickyfighter
your questions really soberd me up.
I have never really defined what love means to me.

I equate love to the nice feelings I have towards a guy, lokking forward to see him, enjoying his company, friendship and accepting them just like they are. really liking someone.

a few old folks have told me love is like a roller coaster and sometimes it dies. so how reliable is it?

January 23, 2007
9:08 am
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Hi:
I know how you must feel MY cousin is 25 and she also is the only one in the family who isnt married!! I ask why does that seem such a bad thing?? To me that sounds great!!! Dont be influenced by the society, or the family or the public or all the advertisment that tells you that if your alone your not in!! That should not be important to you but what is inside! When true love comes into your life its because its in the right time and when your ready for it!! Why do all the other times that a man comes to your life it dosnt seem right? because its not the moment!!! Its not your time!!! ITs the time that it has to be and you have to realise that everything has its time and we have to be mature enough to accept that . Every one has different timees in life. You, enjoy life , this is your time to prepare for that special someone. If you waste it making your life a living hell and full of depression then you will not be happy and the day he does come into your life you will not have what it takes to recognize that true happiness is at your door waiting for you to say hello!Ready for you to share that specail wedding you have been waiting for!! If you continue to live this way , one day you will realize that he did pass by and it was YOU who said Goodbye!
Your friend Soledad, God Bless!!

January 23, 2007
9:15 am
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OH and by the way love is not a feeling because feelings come and go. LOve is eternal!!!!! ITs a 24/7 thing!! So Think of it like the love you feel for your mother! Of course its another type of love but thats just an example!!
Soledad!

January 24, 2007
8:24 am
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wannabe
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thanx soledad you really talk with lots of conviction.

I posted another thread about a relationship with a married guy. well they have separated with the wife and I still really like him.

today I have just had a headache trying to figure out what to do. I dont wanna let go, but again I dont wnat the society to look at me like 'hubby snatcher' though am not responsible for their break up.

wow am such a mess right now

January 24, 2007
9:51 am
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Hey:
Im sorry your not feeling well!! I hope you feel better really soon my prayers go straight to you!! My advise is that right now you are not in conditions to be involved in a mess like that and with a man that is married, girl worse they have other issues, their own. And note*** I said issues which is worse and far more complicated then problems. YOu should start to take your life in control first before you think about re establishing your life with some one else because it will not work!! Its like expecting a a tree of apples to grow on top of a table you are putting the seed on top of the table and just looking at it!! Honey you need to construct your own life , you need to build your relation with your self to be happy with who you are , to belief that theres no one who can love you better then you and then you can take that seed and plant it in the garden of your dreams!! If you dont do this, if you dont cultivate inner love you will not feel inner growth!! blessings Soledad!!

January 24, 2007
10:20 am
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balancesekr
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i am struggling with the same stuff wannabe, and I am in a relationship which I struggle to know if I really love the guy.

wow soledad,
this really spoke to me
"If you waste it making your life a living hell and full of depression then you will not be happy and the day he does come into your life you will not have what it takes to recognize that true happiness is at your door waiting for you to say hello!Ready for you to share that specail wedding you have been waiting for!! If you continue to live this way , one day you will realize that he did pass by and it was YOU who said Goodbye!"

I am so scared this is what I have done by staying in my relationship, and now there is no way I can fix things, I got involved at the wrong time and now... it may as well be over. This makes me super sad and I feel like I did it to myself.

January 24, 2007
4:47 pm
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Balancesekr hello:
MY dear friend im glad i could help and im happy my words got to you for when i say something its for that reason other wise i wasted my time and yours. Do not worry with what could of been for what can be is waiting for you and is being stepped on every time you stress on hurting your person with guilt. Why be sad when you can be happy? Now, you might say, YOu have no reason to be happy. and i would respond; I can promise that all the people that died in the world trade centre 9/11 would give what they never had to switch places with you right now and have life something that you have and are giving away worring about the past!! Deep words my friend!!! THere is no need to be sad!! Foocus , What do you want in life?, if you think that it is over between that person and you forever then keep walking , why stop and consume in guilt? Now if you belief this might be the man you really want and he is right for you to construct a healthy relationship and note ( if he is married it is not healthy for many reasons which i can not explain right now unless you really want me to) then do not let him go. My friend IM sorry you are in this situation but you must know that life is all about choices, right or wrong we might never know all that matters is how honest you are with your self and how willing you are to let go of whats causeing pain in your life! Blessings soledad

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