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is it worth being hit?
January 15, 2007
12:55 pm
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Shaney
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ju - Are you for real!?? I've never seen someone get themselves together so quickly, to leave a bad relationship. It's commendable, for sure. I'm proud of you, but just in shock. Your plan sounds like a good one, and I'm hoping and praing it all comes together for you.

Did you hear from your parents yet about the letter?

I swear, I forget how resiliant 19 year olds can be. Here you are escaping from this bad situation on Tuesday, only to go to a part on Wednesday and get some possible piercings! Gotta love it.

Good luck and PLEASE let us know how this all pans out.

January 16, 2007
9:35 am
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lovetocrochet
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Wow, ju - good job! You are doing so well and you are being so brave.

Please tell us how things work out. I will be checking here every day, I care about you.

January 16, 2007
10:21 am
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Anonymous
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I second that lovetocrochet. 🙂

January 16, 2007
7:33 pm
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ju
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hey guys, im out! i did it, we packed 3 cars full of stuff and took it to tubs house. dan has taken it pretty sensibly, although he doesnt understand the consept of not contacting me, i have recived about 15 msgs from him asking me to go see him cause theres things he needs to say to me in person, he said he can understand if its over but he still wants to see me. of course i havent replied to any of his msgs or answered any of his phone calls, cause i need to sort myself out first. but im ok guys, ill keep in touch as often as i can and let you know whats going on.
ju

January 16, 2007
9:25 pm
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Anonymous
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ju,

You so don't need to talk to him...in person...or any other way. That makes me nervous to just think about it. Bleh.

Maybe it there was three body guards and a glass wall between you.

I am excited that you did it.

Please stay safe. I really would be worried if he knew where you were. Yeah, don't worried about him and his messages.

You are right "i need to sort myself out first."

Way to go!

Now if you can keep him away from you because he is absolutely the very most dangerous right now. He no longer has any control over you and could MAJORLY freak out on you.

Safe. Safe. Safe. Stay Safe. 🙂

You did it!

January 16, 2007
9:37 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Good for you, Ju!

I would never be in the same room with him again if I were you.

Even phone calls will just feed the fire.

January 16, 2007
9:42 pm
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Yay, ju!!!!!

Congratulations on carrying out your plan so quickly and effectively!

Please stay safe and continue to get guidance from the women's centre and people with experience at this kind of thing.

I hope your parents are being supportive. Take care!

January 16, 2007
9:43 pm
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bevdee
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This is great news Ju! Stay cautious- be safe.

January 17, 2007
9:39 am
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lovetocrochet
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Congratulations, good job! You did it!

Yes, definitely keep yourself away and keep getting support from the women's center. You're doing the right thing by not responding to his messages. As someone else said, maybe if there were three bodyguards and a glass wall things might be civil seeing him in person, but otherwise he's as safe to be around as an atomic bomb going off.

Many an abuser has managed to pull their victim in for one last horror show by saying "I just want to see you," or, "I only want to say a last few things." It's code for, "I'm going to do my damndest to either pull you back in, or make you pay if you refuse." Don't take the bait. There are people here who can tell you what's happened to themselves or their loved ones when they have... it's tragic.

I'm assuming he doesn't know where you are? Make sure you keep it that way... it might also help to have someone there with you at all times for a while too, in the event he tries looking for you.

January 17, 2007
10:52 am
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excellent advice, ltc. I'm bumping this up...

January 17, 2007
12:27 pm
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Shaney
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Great ju!

Don't give in to his phonecalls, no matter how much he convinces you that he's "fine" and just needs to see you. If there are things that he feels the need to say, he should have said them when you were still there. Too late, I think. The potential for a disaster is too great... I think that you should definitely stay away.

Good luck to you - be safe.

January 17, 2007
12:49 pm
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taj64
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Wow you must be so proud of yourself. Pat yourself on the back!!! High five and all that. Be careful though. Keep your eye open for danger. You have a great future ahead of you to protect. WAY TO GO!!!!

January 17, 2007
7:04 pm
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ju
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thanks guys. got nice and drunk last night played some fucked up scrabble and jenga, it was so awsome. i also went out to a party and met some new people, so that was cool too.

i think someone asked how my parents took it. my mum is the most upset person in the world right now, she cant talk to me on the phone cause she breaks down every time, so we have to talk to through email or through dad, and dads not too good either the first time he called me after they got my email he had to go cause he was crying, ive never seen my dad cry before it was terrible. theyre helping me out with money and everyone in the family are really proud of me for standing up for my self and not being afraid to stand on my own 2 feet, dad wants his revenge, as was expected, so does my brother ive told them just to leave it, dad really wants to send the email i sent to mum and dad, to dans mum and dad just so they know and dan will get something back, i said no dad, just leave it i dont want things to be messy i just want things to be easy. im having alot of trouble convincing my parents im dealing with it ok, the only times i cry is when im talking to them or thinking about them. mums really struggling and just wants to come home to give me a hug, but i really want them to enjoy their holiday and not come home early on account of me. anyway i think its about time i had a shower and escaped out of the darkness of the room to face my hang over and get some greasy breakfast....maybe maccas!

every single person on here is the best, your like this big supporting family who all look out for eachother and help in times of need. its so weird that its you guys who managed to convince me to do this, a bunch of people who i didnt even know, but instantly felt like id known you for years i couldnt be any more glad that i came on here in the first place, thanks for saving my life guys. big hugs for everyone.

-ju

January 17, 2007
7:16 pm
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taj64
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The bad deal about drinking too much is the hangover. That is why I do not drink too much cuz it is not worth it most of the time.

I really feel you are making a good decision. I am always telling my daughter when it comes to everything in life to thinking about making the right decision. She is 14 and that is the age when all the new experiences come into play. I told her that she has control and can decide which path to take and make the right one based on what she needs.

January 17, 2007
7:20 pm
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bevdee
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Ju,

Bless your heart. I am so glad you got out, and it is heartening to hear that your parents care about you and support your decision.

What are maccas?

Bevdee

January 18, 2007
1:34 am
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ju
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haha maccas is Mcdonalds!

January 18, 2007
9:05 am
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Anonymous
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ju,

I am glad that you have told your family.

I don't know if it would be better to tell his parents or not.

Maybe, if they could support him into getting into a domestic abuse program.

But, you never know...they might not even believe their son was capable of that because he is probably "Mr. Niceguy" to everyone else...it is only in close intimate relationships where he turns nasty and controlling...

....that is what Lundy Bancroft says anyway.

So I can see why you don't want to...but, I also wish he could be put into a program...just like I wish my husband would listen to the therapist and get his butt into a program too!

Then I would have the hope that he would be a better and safer person for me or for someone else. It is his durn choice though, right?

January 18, 2007
10:53 am
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lovetocrochet
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Yeah I agree that it's questionable as to whether telling his parents would do any good. After all that's probably where he got all his brilliant ideas on how to treat a woman from.

My ex's family still refuses to believe their son was abusive - and they saw it with their own eyes. When I made what he did public in our divorce papers it exacerbated things for sure, they did everything they could to try and make life miserable for me after I left... I still think it was the right thing to do, even if ultimately nobody believed it (American family court systems are sorely lacking and that's an understatement). But it sure got them all riled up for a long time.

Something tells me that is more the norm in respect to abusers, is that their parents are going to have the mentality of oh no, not MY child! Why he/she is a saint who could never do anything wrong!

Either that or they're too ashamed to acknowledge what's in front of their face. For that would mean they'd have to admit perhaps they screwed up...

January 18, 2007
11:40 pm
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ju
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nah hes gotten himself into a program, an anger program and something for domestic abusers, he also saw a psychologist today. he keeps telling me what hes doing, even though i wont speak for him, i just want him to fix himself for anyone else who dates him in the future. unfotunatly its too late for him to fix it for me, he dosnt get that though, no matter what everyone else says, hes still clinging to the hope that ill come running back to him because hes finally putting in the effort to get some help once its too late
he told me he keeps hoping its just a wake up call, im hello the wake up call was 6 months ago when we broke up for 3 days!??!

meh i dunno.

good news today i got a place to live! i went to look at a room for rent in a shared accomodation and the guy gave it to me straight away but because another room is being vacated and its bigger and it has a balcony(so i can smoke) i have to wait until next friday to move in, which is only a week so thats cool by me! im very excited though.

had a shit day yesterday cause tubs had his girl over and his brother had his girl over and i was like all by myself, got a bit upset, so i escaped to see my ever so single mates. yay

catch guys

January 18, 2007
11:54 pm
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Anonymous
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ju,

Is he texting all this to you on his phone or something?

wow...weird.

It is hard to feel alone when there are couples...even without everything else going on!

That is very cool about already finding an apartment.

Did the women's center say anything about counseling for you?

I mean you seem tough, but really...it would be great to have someone talk you though this a little.

(((ju)))

January 19, 2007
12:01 am
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bevdee
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Ju

"hes gotten himself into a program, an anger program and something for domestic abusers, he also saw a psychologist today. he keeps telling me what hes doing,"

He could be doing this out of a sincere wish for help, but he also might be doing it to "get you back"

I had this happen with the ex-abuser. He went into rehab, and honay!! He milked it for all it was worth.

He was sorry.

I fell for it.

You seem like such a cheerful, optimistic person, keep doing what you are doing - and don't look back.

January 19, 2007
9:08 pm
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ju
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i finally spoke to him on the phone today, convinced him that yes, it was definetly over nothing he could do would bring me back, i also encouraged him to continue with his programs, not for me, but for his family, and obviously for him, for the future. he seamed to understand, wanted to stay friends, not talk all the time but eventually be able to hold a conversation without it being akward, this is something that will take some work and isnt going to happen any time soon.
even though he accepted it was over he still asked me to go to see the psych with him, i told him i couldnt, he had to have me out of his life so he could move on and find new things to look for, and look forward to in life, instead of me. he knows what hes done is wrong and really wants to change but i know no matter how sorry he is, it wont be sorry enough.im ready to move on with my life, and i think he will be one day too, just might take him a bit, but i figure the best way for him to get on with life without me, is for me not to be there.

as for counselling, yeah the lady did offer me numbers for counselling, but i told her i wanted to get out first. i think im going to sort that out once i move, im not sure, i might do something before hand.

January 19, 2007
9:52 pm
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bevdee
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Ju,

It's great that you are not caving in to him. Way to stand your ground!!

I know how difficult it is to have time to do ANYthing extra besides studying, but I think it is an excellent idea to pursue any kind of support or counseling that you can.

Hey, I got maccas today.

January 22, 2007
10:11 pm
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Anonymous
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ju,

My son loves maccas. 🙂

I mean I think that was kind of you to offer him some closure...good luck to him.

One day at a time...eventually you will get to a good enough spot to see if you can get into counseling, right? 🙂

January 22, 2007
11:39 pm
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Shaney
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No maccas for me. I'm trying to lose at least one quarter pounder off each of my thighs.

Glad you didn't cave in ju - and I'm glad that you feel you can move on without him. It really is the best thing for you. I just still can't believe how your first post here, differs from your attitude now. Keep it up - you sound really really good. Take care.

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