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is it worth being hit?
January 8, 2007
10:21 pm
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Ju,

I'm guessing from the fact that you talk about "uni" and your "mates" that you are in the UK. Is that right?

I have a friend who lives there too and I will try to find out if there is a special number to call for help, if you haven't discovered it already.

You are the only one who can decide what to do about your situation. Obviously everybody here thinks you should leave, but we also understand that you might not feel ready to do that right away.

But you are here asking for help which shows that you understand something is not right. Please continue to seek and DO NOT WARN HIM what you are doing. OK?

I will try to get that info and post it for you.

take very good care of yourself.

January 8, 2007
11:18 pm
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ju
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i am in australia. i am definitly going to get out, but i need to build up the strength first and sort out where to go and such things before i do anything. ill be sure to hide all evidence of whats going on, im not sure how soon i will do this, it may take a couple months but it will happen. ill keep in touch and ill try and find that book mentioned.

January 8, 2007
11:35 pm
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Thanks for responding. We have a couple of posters here at AAC that are from Australia... maybe one of them can give some info about helplines.

I can understand that you want to get things in order. Just try to keep noticing whether you really do feel like you are building up strength, or whether you are getting weaker because of the way he is treating you.

I think you will find that book very helpful. Good luck, and keep in touch. There are always lots of people here ready to help if you need to talk.

January 9, 2007
8:43 am
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NO, do not warn him that you are looking to get out. Like someone else says, it's not like he warns you before he beats you up, so what do you owe him? Nothing.

Not only that but the most dangerous time for women in an abusive relationship is when their batterer becomes aware that she is trying to leave. Abuse is about control and if he thinks you're going to leave, then he will do anything - and I mean anything - to maintain that control. He will physically disable you, lock you in the house and keep guard with a gun or knife, put you in the hospital... use your imagination.

I would act as if nothing is wrong, everything's fine... I wouldn't tell him you're talking to anyone about this. I would pretend until the cows came home that you love him, even if it makes you sick... at this point hopefully you won't have to do that very long at all, just enough until you can get a plan of escape together.

I had a coworker whose wife was beaten so badly by her ex she almost lost her son while pregnant with him. Everything I described is exactly what she did - she acted all sweet, kissed up to him, never let him in that she and her friends were planning her escape. Then, one day, her friends came over, helped her pack up, and hauled out while he wasn't home.

Oh and as a suggestion, I would do everything necessary to make further contact between the two of you extremely difficult after you leave. If you're living together now, make sure he does not have a way to find out where you are after you get a new place... and try to find a place that is as remote from him as is feasibly possible. Keep your phone number private and unlisted, or better yet, if they don't list cell phone numbers in Australia, get a cell phone and don't purchase a land line. If you can, get a large dog who is loyal and protective.

Make sure ALL your friends are very aware of the situation and steer clear of him. Your safety is top priority.

I hope you are able to find the help and support you need through a shelter or a domestic violence hotline. They will be able to assist you form a plan of escape, provide you with more safety suggestions, and give you support resources to help you stay safe and resist the temptation to go back.

January 9, 2007
9:03 am
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bevdee
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ju,

I did all those things that lovetocrochet mentioned - I didn't tell him I was leaving. I was afraid if I did, he would hurt me or the dog to try to retaliate or scare me into staying. I moved to a more remote area and I assumed all debts we had accumulated in both our names, so there would never be a chance that my name and address went to him, in an attempt to collect a bill. I knew him well, so I knew what had to be done to get out safely. To stay out safely.

When I was there? I tried to listen to him, to cater to his moods, to please him. It didn't matter what I did - he always found an excuse to beat me.

It wore me down, and I had little energy. Once I decided to leave, I had more energy than I ever remembered having. Once I had a plan, the acting ability I had honed while trying to please or pacify him kicked in and carried me through until I could get out.

The best thing? After I got away, I no longer had to fear his moods. I no longer had to wonder what I would be waking up to. I did not dread coming home from work. After I left my constant was - the house would be the way I left it- and the dog was always happy to see me.

Be safe

January 9, 2007
10:55 am
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ju,

Not as easy to find as the American #'s, but here you go.

I am worried about you...incase you can't tell....WOW....yikes! So here are a ton of numbers. One of them if not near you should be able to refer you to one in your area. Really, it would be such a comfort to me if you would at least talk to someone about all this. OK? big hugs (((ju)))

http://www.dvirc.org.au/Servic.....sIndex.htm

Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria (24 hour crisis support)
Crisis telephone support, information about options and developing a safety plan, referral to safe accommodation (refuge) for women experiencing abuse in their relationships. 24 hrs.
Ph. 9373-0123, or country toll free : Ph. 1800 015 188.

Metropolitan Domestic Violence Outreach Services:

Eastern Metro Region:
Ringwood Ph. 9870-5939

Northern Metro Region:
Ph.9458-5788 (10am-4pm Mon-Fri)

Southern region:
St Kilda or Moorabin Ph. 9536-7777

South Eastern Region:
Frankston Ph. 9781-4658
Cranbourne Ph. 5990 6789
Springvale Ph. 9791-6111
Dandenong Ph. 9791-6111
Narre Warren Ph. 9703-0044

Western Region:
Ph. 9689-9588

Rural / Regional Domestic Violence Outreach Services (Victoria)

Barwon South West Region:
Geelong Ph. 5224-2903
Warrnambool Ph. 5561-1934
Hamilton Ph. 5571-1778 (Tues & Thurs)
Terang Ph. 5592-1172
Camperdown Ph. 5593-1370 (Wed)
Portland Ph. 5521 7937 (Mon & Wed)
Casterton Ph. 5581-2109

Gippsland region:
Bairnsdale Ph. 5152-1863
Leongatha Ph. 5562-4502 (freecall 1800 221 200)
Warragul Ph. 5622-7000
Morwell Ph. 5120-2000

Grampians region:
Horsham Ph. 5362-1200
Ballarat Ph. 5333-3666
Stawell Ph.5358-7400
Ararat Ph.5352-6200

Hume region:
Shepparton Ph.5823-3200
Broadford Ph.5784-5555
Wangaratta Ph.5721-8277
Wodonga Ph.(02) 6022-8888

Loddon Mallee region:
Mildura Ph.5021-2130
Bendigo Ph.5443-4945
Swan Hill Ph.5033-1899

January 9, 2007
3:45 pm
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ju
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thanks artist girl, you happened to get all the numbers from the state i live in, good work, one of the numbers is from the town I am in.

i wont get a chance to call today cause my friend is takeing me out for coffee, something fun like movies or bowling and then were gonna come home and have a few drinks, he feels terrible for me being left at home all day.
incase i hadnt mentioned, my fiance leaves the house at 6.30am and gets home at 7.30-9pm 6 days a week. it gets very depressing being alone all day, and by the time he comes home hes in a shit mood, really touchy has dinner and goes to bed. but im expected to take him to the train station in the morning, stay at home all day clean the house cook dinner and pick him up from the station at night...he comes home in a shit mood and hardly even talks to me.

anyway if i were to escape it would be quite feasable, id have time to pack up and get out, i have a mobile and he has the number so he will be able to call my phone if i leave, but obviously i wont answer it. i have places to go, and the refuge centers should be helpful aswell, so i can get out, i just have to work up to it.
the only part im not sure how to get around is my job, my boss would understand but obviously i need the money, but the places where i would stay would be at least an hour away from work.

January 9, 2007
8:20 pm
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ju
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ive just remebered, he is going away for the weekend in a few weeks....this could be the time to do it.

what do i do about the bills?
we have 2 outstanding bills, bills that were paying off slowly. the truth is that most of the payment to them is from the money he earns anyway...should i leave him some money, not because i want to help him, but to shut him up, as long as i have thought about everything the he cant call me saying i need money for this and get the police involved?

i will call those numbers to find out the answers the these questions but anyone who can tell me what they did let me know...

January 9, 2007
8:28 pm
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bevdee
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Were the bills in his name, or both? If both, could you make your half of the payment to the finance company?

January 9, 2007
8:30 pm
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bevdee
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You could make arrangements with the company you owe the money to. Tell them what is going on, and why you prefer to pay your half that way?

January 10, 2007
2:15 am
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ju
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they were in his name, but im listed as his partner so i can have access to the accounts.

i went out today with my mate today, who i mentioned before, we talked about me and my fiance and i managed to convince him that our relationship was bad enough for me to leave him without even telling him that my fiance had been hitting me. hes really supportive and told me i could stay with him, he said his parents wouldnt care if i moved in for a month, as long as i paid like $50 a week which is awsome. he is there for me and will support me whatever i do. he has also encouraged me to do it as soon as possible just so me and my fiance dont move into a new place and i get locked into 12 more months of his shit.

im feeling more and more confident about going through with this as the days or even hours pass.

i looked for that book suggested today while at the library but i didnt really get to ha ve a thourough look as i havent told my mate the situation with the hitting, and he was standing next to me at the time. but ill go back and have a look tomorrow or the next day maybe.

January 10, 2007
9:07 am
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ju,

I am so glad I got the right area...hooray!

You will be suprised just how supportive people are. This is when you find out who your real friends are.

I am very proud of you for making steps. ju, just keep empowering yourself and you are going to be just fine.

The women's center told me to contact anyone/anywhere that I was concerned about having joint accounts or paying rent or what and tell them my situation.

Hmmm...I haven't done that yet with the landlord. I guess I have some things to do...It is really hard when you are in it with you spouse all the time and upset by the unsettling things he says and does.

I spent way too much time being upset about my husband going through my purse then him telling me that I was abusing him because I said "Don't do it again."

Huh?

Anyway, there are all kind of things like calling the credit agencies and getting a protective order on my accounts....etc....that I need to do.

I have been keeping all my stuff from the women's center in the closet with the furnace and stuff in it on our balcony between some filters.

I feel crazy trying to hid this stuff, but I really need to be under the radar so things don't escalate.

I couldn't remember if the 10 credit cards that I had in my purse were part of the stash out there so I was really confused and thought I was going crazy because he acted so innocent about going through my purse. They were in my purse and he did take them out.

I just want to know how many thousand of dollars of debt we are really in. But there is another way, my mom says that all credit cards held by a married person are basically held by the spouse too. This mean it will be on MY credit report.

I am so glad you didn't marry this guy or have a child with him because...well, look how sticky it can get?

ju, I am excited for the great life that you have ahead of you. I really, really recommend reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" before you embark on another relationship because this is where most abuse starts and knowing how to look for it will save you a lot of pain.

Lot's of love and hope and hugs (((ju)))

January 10, 2007
11:16 am
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ju,

That sounds so good about your mate being able to offer a place to stay. I am sorry about your situation, but I felt good reading how this is all progressing for you. I really get the feeling that you will do this and get out of there. The best to you.

artistgirl,

You can get your credit report on line and for free at http://www.annualcreditreport.com You are entitled to a free credit report every year through this website. It is legitimate. This is valuable information everyone needs to know.

As far as what is joint, what you would owe, that depends on what state you live in. Here in California, debts in marriage remain joint, but if you are not in California, it may be different. I would definitely suggest getting some legal advice on this. There may be good info on the internet too. Credit cards being run up to the max is one way these guys will get back at you, of course and I have heard some horror stories about this, so its best to plan and protect yourself as best you can.

January 11, 2007
7:53 am
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ju
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thanks guys. ive had good couple days, im feeling excited about whats ahead of me once i get out, ive just landed myself a new job, but the work only comes up when there is a job that needs doing, its confusing, but mid feb i have a weeks work, 40 hours-ish at $17.50-$26 an hour! it will be really helpful.and i think i will be getting another week at a diferent location either before or after that but some time before the end of feb, which is great, it means i may not have to quit my waitressing job that i love dearly. i had so much fun at work today it was so good to get away from all the shit at home.

speaking of shit at home...today i had to act so hard to keep under the radar while me and my fiance went to inspect an apartment that we want to move into. it was so hard. also there were the occasional quarrels throughout the day where i just wanted to say, im gonna be gone one day! just you wait! then youll be f-ed! but i had to control myself, and last night we had another bigish fight which involved him ripping one of my fave tops and pushing me off the bed into the wall. it wasnt as bad as its been before, normally when he hurts me i think oh man i just want to start cutting, but last night i sat there in the corner in the dark thinking of the good things to come. i really think that there is hope for me...

right now i have escaped out of bed to come on here so im sitting up at midnight in the pitch dark with my laptop. so i have to go soon incase he wakes up and finds im not there.

im reading a book right now thats about a young girl my age who lives in the city like me and shes trying to make it as an actress, its inspiring as i am an artist, and im trying to write a book and i just feel like as soon as i escape from this i will be free and i can have fun like she does.

for those of you who think that this sounds like a situation some one in their mid to late 20s should be in, im only 19, engaged stupidly at a young age to the wrong man, living my life as a house wife in her 30s or something, its horrible, all i want to do is go out and party, have fun, dance, dye my hair pierce my body parts, go to uni and be silly.thats something i do not have and i dont want to grow up yet!

January 11, 2007
8:31 am
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ju,

awww! I hope you can be young and do all the super fun thing you have been dying to do.

THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU!!!

You can make it through all this nastiness and come out ok. Just keep educating and empowering yourself and you will be fine. Knowing everything you can about all this crap, will help you make good decisions.

I wish I was there to keep you safe like some sort of super hero...but alas I am having problems of my own and am only human.

Good job at keeping under the radar!

January 11, 2007
10:17 am
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Ju,

I second that -- good job using your acting skills!

It sounds like you are feeling strong and focused on your goal. Good show :o)

Continue making your plans. I hope you will be able to escape to safety soon.

hugs, kroika

January 11, 2007
10:23 am
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gracenotes,

I can't get it online....there is some sort of hold on my accounts so I have to send a request by mail, but I am excited that I don't have to spend $60 just to know what is happening.

Thanks you so much for the info. 🙂

January 11, 2007
10:25 am
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Hey ju...I was looking this up for myself, but I figured I might as well share it with you too.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relations.....ndex.shtml

Life after abuse
Davina James-Hanman
It might seem now as if the abuse will dominate your life forever, but this is rarely true. Over time it'll get easier until it becomes just a small part of who you are, amongst many other experiences you've had.

In this article
Will I ever get over it?
How can I be sure it won't happen again?
Should I tell my new partner about my violent relationship?
I'd like to use my knowledge to help other women - what can I do?

For many women, the turning point comes when they have settled all the practical aspects of starting over so their energy can then be focused on their emotional healing. You might also find it useful to read 'How do I start all over again?' .

Will I ever get over it?
Yes, there is life after abuse and the pain and confusion will fade.

However, recognise that the emotional and practical losses you've experienced may affect you for a while, so be kind to yourself and don't create unrealistic timetables for recovery.

Being abused by someone you love is a profound betrayal of trust and although it varies for each person, healing may be a long process.

Some people find counselling very useful as this can help to make sense of painful and conflicting emotions. You can ask your GP to refer you or you can find one yourself at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website. Also, The National Domestic Violence Helpline can give you information about specialist domestic violence counselling services. Call 0808 2000 247

You can also contact your local refuge or womensaid group to see if there's a support group near you where you could meet other women who have survived domestic violence. You can find out about local groups from the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247

In your day-to-day life, it can help to try and concentrate on doing things that were impossible when you were with your partner. Many women speak of the joy at 'rediscovering' themselves again and of having the freedom to spend their time doing whatever they choose.

How can I be sure it won't happen again?

Starting all over again
Lots of women managed to re-build their lives after an abusive relationship.

The blunt truth is that you can't guarantee avoiding something that wasn't your fault in the first place.

However, do remember that most women who experience domestic violence don't continually have violent relationships. You might find it useful to read our article on Warning signs.

One thing to be cautious of is rushing into a new committed relationship before having healed from the abuse. You may be especially vulnerable to predatory men at this time and it's also a good idea to spend some time focusing on your own needs.

Should I tell my new partner about my violent relationship?
Only you can really judge if the time is right to share your history with a new partner. However, in most cases, it's probably better to wait until a level of trust has been established before you share too many details.

If you feel you need to offer some kind of explanation - you can always say something unspecific like 'My last relationship was quite difficult and ended badly'.

The important thing is to open up at a pace that you're comfortable with and which doesn't leave you feeling vulnerable and insecure.

I'd like to use my knowledge to help other women - what can I do?
There are many advantages to volunteering. As well as helping to meet new people and gain new skills, it's also a way in which you can make positive use of your terrible experiences.

What you can do will depend on what's available in your area. Good places to try to find out what opportunities might be available include your local refuge , Victim Support or your local Community Service Volunteers office .

January 11, 2007
3:23 pm
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ju
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thanks for that, i have been thinking, what if it happens again, what if i feel like i cant trust any male again, even though i wont be jumping into any new relationships any time soon, but i thought i had found the most sincere, sensitive, trustworthy guy ever. ill just sorta have to see how i go, take it slow.

also ive been trying to work out how to tell my parents, i dont know whether to send them an email and explain that hes been hitting me and i plan on leaving him, or whether to wait until im out and tell them then, i have a good relationship with my parents in all aspects, but relationships, ive never been able to talk to mum about boyfriends, crushes, whatever, i can tell her about everyone elses, but not mine, even when me and my fiance fight or something i wont tell mum, i feel like i cant, i kinda feel like she'll be dissapointed even thought i know she wont be, but its making leaving alot harder,i cant even speak to them in person cause theyre on holidays across the other side of the country and they wont be back till march.

January 11, 2007
3:40 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I am so glad you're getting out when you are. I was 19 when I got involved with my ex husband and I ignored all the signs. I stayed with him until I was 25 and it took a messy divorce, messy Catholic annulment, all sorts of difficulties to be free of him.

He finally got it through his head that hurting me hurts our daughter, so he's civil to me now. But I can't tell you how many times I wish I could have turned back the clock and RUN when I had the chance. I would have done things SO differently...

I'm glad your mate is going to help you out. Stay the course it sounds like you have a good plan.

January 11, 2007
5:09 pm
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gracenotes
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ju,

Probably your mom would be glad to know that you left a relationship that is harmful to you. Mom's have a "sixth sense" about things, and it could be that she senses something already. Could be she had an unhappy relationship like this because she met your dad too.

I don't think she would want you to stay in a relationship where you are being physically abused. It is Not Your Fault you are in this. The important thing is that you carry on with your plans for leaving it. No mom would approve of her daughter being subjected to this. By the time they get back, you will be all settled in somewhere else and then you can decide what to or what not to say.

January 12, 2007
12:45 am
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ju
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this is what i have written to my parents, i havent sent it yet im absolutly terrified about it, please let me know if this sounds ok, obviously everyones parents are different so you cant say what would suit someones parents, but i would like comments about it, if it sounds ok, if theres something you absolutly thing i should not tell them.

Dear mum and dad
This is probably going to seam out of the blue and possibly shock you, but im going to leave Dan, things are really bad and he’s been hitting me, I don’t want to stay with him if he’s going to hit me and I know he cant stop because I have asked him to before I made him promise he wouldn’t do it, but he continues to do it, its been going on for months and I’m sick of it, I’m sick of lying about why I have bruises here and there. I’ve spoken to some people about it and I’ve thought a lot about it, I think it is best for me to leave, I know Dan is totally supporting me money wise at the moment which could be a bit of a problem, but I have just gotten a job where I will get 2 separate weeks work through a contractor refitting all bi-lo stores to Coles stores, I will earn between $300 and $600 a week with the possibility of getting more work out of it. tubs, one of our friends has told me I could probably stay there for a month or so until I get back on my feet, for $50 a week, and they would feed me, and I can afford that cause it would mean I wont have to quit lazy moes, unless I find a better paying night job, he lives with his parents and has a spare room. I have not told Dan that I’m going to go because I know he wont let me, and I know that I have to for myself, psychologically and physically. I’m not sure when I’m going to go im trying to work everything out before I go, but I will just pack everything of mine up and move, he’s going away for a night with work on the 4th of Feb and I’ve sot of been thinking that is when I will go, I’m still not sure what to do with some of the things that we have both paid for but I will sort something out, I have to get out of here as soon as possible, I’ve been looking at some shared apartments closer to the city which is where I will probably end up after I go back to uni, or before if don’t end up staying with tubs, the ones I was looking at were about $80-$90 a week which is a fair bit and I would have to secure I better job before I committed to moving somewhere like that. I have been really scared about telling you this because I don’t want to upset or worry you guys, but I will be ok once I have left, I also have to speak to the real estate so I can sort something out for my half of the bond and that will get me $350, and I also got my tax back and that was $370 I think, I also have about $100 saved and I will earn at least $120 this week and probably the same next week because everyone is on holidays from work so I’m getting heaps of shifts, and long ones! I just want to get out of here and sort it out before me and Dan sign a 12 month lease or something and I’m at uni. Everything will just be a lot harder then. I have been given a number for a women’s centre for domestic violence and they will be able to help me whether it be moving my stuff or somewhere to stay. I know this is a lot to take in cause you probably had no idea, but I just have to pretty much escape and stay away from Dan to avoid coming back to him and realizing things are exactly the same once I’m back in a situation that is difficult to get out of, now is just the time. I hope your not disappointed at me, I had to send this to you by email so I could say everything I needed to and because if you called me Dan would be there or I would be working. Please understand that this is something I have to do, I have thought about it and its not just a spur of the moment thing,
Luv always Julie xoxox

thanks to everyone who actually read all of this i know its long sorry guys

January 12, 2007
10:54 am
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ju,

I think it is great. Your parents need to know if you want them to be part of your support system. I think it is a good move.

January 12, 2007
11:12 am
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gracenotes
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ju,

This is a great, honest letter. It really says what needs to be said and you have also assured them that you are taking care of yourself financially and have a safe place to live.

I am wondering if part of all this fear and anxiety you feel is also because you are in this horrible situation where someone is trying to control so many aspects of your being, and you are asserting yourself in a way that runs against the grain of all the dynamics that are happening, something that of course he disapproves of and could hurt you a lot about.

I have felt that way at times in abusive situations. It was really scarey for me to assert myself and do what I needed to do. It likes the other person had controlled a part of my thinking and part of me doubted myself. But, I always go out. I moved past the fear and anxiety because I guess there was a voice of health speaking to me too. And, yes it was uncomfortable telling my mother some details of what happened.

I hope you are planning on sending it today. My only suggestion is to put in paragraphs to better sort out what you are saying. Its really good.

January 12, 2007
12:14 pm
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search4peace
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ju,
It takes a lot to courage to leave someone who you thinks loves you. Please remember that love doesn't hurt.

When I met my husband I was 19 also. He didn't start hitting me until 9 yrs later, before we were married. I thought it would get better and he would stop. I been with him for more than 25 yrs and it has only gotten worse. Now he beats me the hammers, he cut my leg and I had to get 16 stitches. I remember him calling me stupid before we were married.
Take this from someone who is living in hell don't believe what he says. Yes, everyone likes him and thinks he is wonderful. Nobody knows what he is really like.
God bless you.

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