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Is it possible to rebuild trust?
September 11, 2005
10:07 pm
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star eyed
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About 5 months ago, my gf and i broke up-- i found out that she had been cheating on me-- she started counseling and has learned a lot about herself-- i too have been in counseling and have made significant improvements in my life, including actually being able to open myself up to the dating world... My ex has ended her relationship with this other person and is assuring me it's over... she has apologized and seems to be making lots of changes in her life-- she knows and says that she should not be in any relationship at all right now because of the work she needs to do for herself in therapy, which I agree with.. so the hope she has is that she wants us to start working on re-building trust, which she knows can take a long time...

Do you think that's possible?

September 11, 2005
10:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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Give it a couple of years.

September 11, 2005
10:12 pm
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22haha
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star eyed - gosh I wish I knew. I am going through this right now. Don't trust him but he is seeing a therapist. Wondering if I'll ever trust him again. I wish I had some advise to offer you other thatn go with whatever your gut tells you. I think, however, we need to heal ourselves before any good relationship can take place.

September 12, 2005
11:26 am
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jack122064
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It'sosible, but highly im[proale. I would cut her loose for good.

Jack

September 12, 2005
11:42 am
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revelation
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I think it is possible of course to rebuild on trust or to "re-trust" but really its up to the individual.

Trust is placing your feelings and emotional well-being into someone elses hands...well, anyone can do that, but if there are any niggling doubts, the engine won't start...the trust won't build.

September 12, 2005
11:43 am
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Anonymous
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depends.

I don't subrscibe to the theory of "once a cheater, always a cheater".

You would have to evaluate the circumstances involved in the cheating - figure out the dynamics - what drove your partner to doing it.

Then look at if the partner is capable of changing the patterns of behaviour that drove them to cheating.

They have to be open to proving their trust to you - offering alot of reassuring in their ACTIONS - just saying "trust me" is often not enough - at least not in my case.

There are some good books out there on infidelity and how to rebuild trust after it.

My BF cheated on me - and tho we have looked at the situation, discussed it and are sure that he won't cheat again - the cheating left holes in our relationship - and other areas suffer too - I don't trust that he is always where he says he is, I panic when I can't reach him, he continues to have habits that make me uncomfortable. He has not opened up his life as an open book so I can work on rebuilding the trust.

joint counseling would probably be a good idea - so you can talk to eachother with a mediator who can teach you better communication and help you decide how to go about rebuilding the trust.

Alot of times the one who cheated promises not to do it again and wants to put the whole thing behind them once they apologize, while the partner who was cheated on carries alot of post traumatic stress with it and has trouble moving forward so easily - the mediator can help resolve some of this - and help your partner realize how hard they have to work to reassure you.

I am going to explore joint counseling myself - only cuz I don't know how to move forward and my BF seems to want to bury it and have me trust him just cuz he says so.

communication and knowledge of what happened and how to keep it from happening is key.

just remember - if they want to cheat they will - and no amount of chaperoning them, watching them and hunting them down will prevent it and will cause anxiety and relationship failure in the end - so don't think that **you** can change it - only they can - and you have to be willing to trust they will - which is the hard part.

September 13, 2005
2:22 pm
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kathygy
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I do think it is possible to re-build trust depending on the person. My exhusband cheated on me twice before we were married but in time I forgave him and trusted him completely. He never cheated on me again. Open and honest communication is a good way to build safety and trust.

September 13, 2005
2:31 pm
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star eyed
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This is helpful-- i really think my ex is being open and honest. it seems to be me who is holding back-- waiting for her to hurt me-- even though I do care for her-- and yet, she doesn't seem to be doing that...

kathy, why did your exhusband say he cheated? was that the reason why you got divorced?

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