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IS IT OVER YET?
June 5, 2000
11:38 pm
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DONNIE
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I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 15 YEARS AND MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO OTHER PEOPLE TO BE SO WONDERFUL. hE HAS SOME GOOD QUALITIES HOWEVER IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT HE COMES AND GOES AS HE PLEASES WITHOUT EXPLAINATION. HE HAS ALWAYS HAD HIS FRIENDS BOTH MALE AND FEMALE NOONE THAT I NECESSARRILY HAVE EVER MET. BOTH SINGLE AND MARRIED. IN THE BEGINNING I JUST CRIED AND BEGGED HIM TO COME HOME AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME TO NO AVAIL. LATER I WAS BUSY WITH CHILDBEARING AND TAKING CARE OF MY TWO CHILDREN. I STAYED AT HOME AND TOOK CARE OF THINGS. BILLS AND WORKED FULL TIME.AS MY CHILDREN GREW WOULD GET LONELY IN THE EVENINGS SO I STARTED HOBBIES AND SIDELING HOME BUSINESSES. NOW I AM ATTENDING COLLEGE. MY CHILDREN LOVE THEIR FATHER BUT HAVE NO REALTIONSHIP WITH HIM. I HAVE RECENTLY STARTED FRIENDS OF MY OWN. FIRST I TRIED TO INCLUDE MY FRIENDS AND THIER FAMILIES WITH HIM FOR 1 YEAR IT WAS GREAT WE SPENT MORE TIME TOGEETHER THAT WE EVER HAD. THEN HE FOUND FAULT WITH MY FRIENDS ONE BY ONE. HE NOW GIVES ME THE THIRD DEGREE ABOUT MY NEW FOUND FREEDOM AND INDEPENDANCE. AND EVEN THOUGH HE CONTINUES HIS FRIENDS WHOM I DON'T KNOW AND COMES AND GOES AS HE PLEASES. I MOST ALWAYS HAVE MY CHILDREN WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GOES. HE SAYS IT HAS TO BE ANOTHER MAN IS THE PROBLEM. HE NOW SAYS THAT IF OUR MARRIAGE ENDS ITS MY FAULT BECAUSE I WOULD COME TO BED EARLIER AT NIGHT AND WANT TO DO MORE THINGS WITH HIM WE WOULDNT BE HAVING THESE PROBLEMS. HE SAYS THAT I AM NOT TRYING. I FEEL I HAVE MADE MANY SACRIFICES FOR THIS MAN, AND TRIED TO DEAL WITH HIS ADOLESENCE. HE HAS GOT PHYSICAL ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION AND MY CHILDREN WORRY ABOUT ME. I WAS THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE WASNT AND NOW I NEED MY FRIENDS FOR SUPPORT AND I DONT WANT TO QUIT MY JOB , HOBBIES OR SCHOOL. PLEASE HELP GIVE YOUR ADVISE!!!!!!

June 6, 2000
2:52 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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Donnie,
Don't quit your friends or hobbies - they are important to you and NO-ONE has any right to make you feel guilty for having a life.

Now the two of you are obviously not in the healthiest of relationships. For years your husband has been selfish and showed you no respect, what is more he is or had physically and certainly emotionally abusing you.

YOu have realised all this yourself, this is why you picked yourself up and made a life for YOU.
WELL DONE! I am hugely proud that you have made this life for yourself.

Now your husband, the scared insecure man that he is, is feeling scared. Scared he will lose you, so he resorts to the only way he knows to keep his perfect situation together - He bullies you.
For all those years he had it all. total freedom and also the love of a wife and family.

This is so often the case in co-dependent relationships.
Now you are living your life for YOU and have stopped being so dependent on him, he will do anything to return to the way things where before.

That is with you at home and him having total freedom.
That is not a healthy relationship.

Read some of the other threads here on co-dependency, and read up on it yourself.

I think that you are moving in a healthy way, you know that you want to have your own life too, but you are suffering the effects of how that makes your husband feel insecure.

Best wishes to you, and please don't allow yourself to be bullied. Youa re having healthy interests - work, kids, friends etc.
Do not allow his insecurities to make you feel you are in the wrong here - you are not. But you need to read up and see why this relationship has been so unhealthy in the past - that will help you undrstand it all alot more.
Peace
Hazza

June 6, 2000
7:32 am
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heartfelt
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Donnie........ditto Hazza.......Donnie, seems as if you have a healthy outlook and a balance within about seeing what is and what is'nt in your relationship....research for the tools you need to re-enforce the reality of your marriage.....Guilt, shame, manipulation, control cannot play a part in healthy relationships....

June 6, 2000
9:02 pm
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junquelady
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I too am in a relationship simular to yours, I have been with the same person for a very long time (25yrs). We at one time were happy, or so I thought, but for the past 3/4 years, I have been very unhappy. And I really don't know what to do, I think all the time of leaving , but the thought of starting over again scares me to death.

June 8, 2000
12:03 am
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DONNIE
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THANKS TO YOU ALL, I FEEL THAT I JUST NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME OF THESE THINGS TO ASSURE MYSELF I'M NOT ABNORMAL. I NEED ALL THE SUPPORT I CAN GET. AND TP YOU JUNQUELADY LEAVING DOES SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO BEFORE IT JUST GETS WORSE OR WE END UP LIVING OUT OUR LIFE FOR THEM. BUT IT IS A VERY HARD DECISION. THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE.

June 8, 2000
10:10 am
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janes
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September 24, 2010
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Yes it is a hard decision. See if these men will go to counseling with you. If they won't go on your own.

That way...when the accusations atart...you have the response of..I asked you to go to counseling with me and you refused.

DO NOT endure any physical abuse..emotional and mental abuse can be as damaging so..if that stuff is involved or starts...kick them out or leave.

You are being incredibly strong and smart Donnie. Take it from us. keep it up!!!!!

Junquelady....life is an adventure...stay and try to turn him around..that could be a wonderful adventure..starting over could be a great adventure too. IT IS YOUR LIFE you are are talking about not what to have for dinner.

When life ends you won't take anything with you..certainly not that other person....make your days here count for yourself and for others too.

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