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Is it ok to meet for coffee?
September 25, 2009
1:31 am
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cpt1212
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I am in out-oupatient treatment for alcohol addiction - better known as rehab.

I am female, in my early 30s and due to things that happened in my childhood haven't dated much in my adult life and have never felt comfortable around men. There is a man in rehab that I text quite a bit, because we are encouraged to have peer contact. He is married. Recently he has asked me to meet him for coffee 2x and I have made up excuses. Tonight he invited me to his house because I was feeling down. I said no, because it was late and I have work early. He laughs at what I say and even though, I am uncomfortable around him, it is less so than with other men. I am not attracted to him and think I would like to maintain a friendship because he is easy to talk to and maybe it would be good practice to be around a male I feel relatively safe with. I am sure he is not attracted to me, but I am not sure that it is appropriate to have a friendship with a married man.

Any input would be appreciated.

September 25, 2009
2:02 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I myself have trust issues, so take what I'm about to say with this in mind. I would advise building a relationship with this man as a threesome, with his wife. You are fragile as it is, and vulnerable because you aren't used to dealing with males. I would hate to see you get caught up in a triangle where you develop feelings for a married man, even if he does not reciprocate. It gets complicated, and isn't fair to you.

Watch out for yourself.

September 25, 2009
2:35 am
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truthBtold
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cpt1212,

Trust your gut on this one!

Deep, deep down honey, you aleady know what time it is already- right?

Trust it. Trust your gut sweetie!

Else, or else, if you are like me, you will give him the benefit of the doubt over and over again only to get really burned in the end - you know?

Save yourself years and years of anguish.

I know.

Bottom line again: Trust your gut, sweetie!

You alredy know what is best for you.........heed it.

September 25, 2009
6:41 am
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fantas
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Congratulations on making it to recovery! Way to go. I wish you all the best. Work the program and it will work for you..

In a word, NO. He is married and that's it. You deserve to be with someone who respects and honors his commitments. Not the man for you. This maybe self-sabotage on your progress in recovery. Addiction is a cunning and baffling. Beware of focusing on anything or anyone other than you and your recovery. Any man who knows you are in recovery and asks you for dates can't be a compassionate individual. You deserve better and no you do not need him to talk about what is going on.

From what I know, people are encouraged to wait at least a year before dating once they begin the recovery process.

If he asks again, I would ask him to bring his wife to tea if he wants to have tea with me.

September 25, 2009
8:01 am
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cpt1212
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Thanks all for your input. I didn't really think it was a date, but I may just be naïve. I really have a difficult time saying no, so I have been making excuses.

Fantas, you used some of the recovery jargon - are you in recovery? If you are I would love to talk with you more.

September 25, 2009
8:10 am
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learning2luvme
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I see where you are coming from if your in treatment and he has the same things in common and right now you are probably easier to talk to than his wife. I see why he would want to have coffee as a friend but that is how it starts. Innocent till someone has a problem then the hugs and the next thing you know your in something you dont want no part of. If there is a ???? in your mind than perhaps it is not right for you!!!! I say go with your Gut too!! Good luck with that. Congradulations on your recovery!!!1

September 25, 2009
8:21 am
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cpt1212
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Thanks - although, I don't think it would be any more than friendship because I am not very attractive.

September 25, 2009
8:30 am
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learning2luvme
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You really dont have to think your attractive for someone else to think so. Plus beauty is really in your heart cause physical beauty can fade. I'm sure you are a great person you should think higher of yourself I think that is a big part of our healing. Learing to LOVE Ourselves!!! You have to like something about yourself!!!

September 25, 2009
9:50 am
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atalose
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Cpt1212,

It sounds innocent enough – yet – see how it’s already taking away the focus of your recovery.

You have enough on your plate right now don’t add a new relationship of any sort with a man to it right now.

I’m sure you can find PEER contact with some of the woman there that will be much more beneficial.

Codependency and alcoholism go hand n hand.

Relationships are triggers for us codies especially relationships with the opposite sex.

Keep your focus and as truth said, go with your gut, because for you to come here and ask about this something about it must not be feeling quite right for you. I think the only trust issue you need to worry about today is with trusting yourself not to drink today. Put some sober time under your belt and build a strong foundation so that when the time is right you can deal with other issues.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 25, 2009
10:12 am
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StronginHim77
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He's married. End of story. Step back.

September 25, 2009
10:37 am
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Newstart
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Hey

I would advice you not to involve yourself with this man. You say that he laughs at you. Real peers don't laugh at you, but with you. I have never been to rehab myself, so I'm not an expert on this subject. However I'm pretty sure that that's not the kind of peers they meant.

Best of luck to you!

September 25, 2009
10:47 am
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cpt1212
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No I meant he laughs at me like he laughs at my jokes. Like I said I am pretty naïve so I added it because I'm not sure it is just friendly or flirty. But he does not laugh AT me.

September 25, 2009
11:33 am
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risingfromtheashes
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trust your gut - you still have some discomfort with the situation - which has some basis, tho you may not understand it.

Go to AA meetings when you need support and understanding - not a married man's home.

Tho you may think there is no attraction on his part or yours - when you are feeling down, it's easy to fall prey to someone who may not good intentions.

He may have good intentions - but he may not - and I tho I understand having someone who "understands" - it may be best to have peer relationships OUTSIDE of rehab - as people in rehab often don't understand boundaries....being married and inviting you to coffee and his home is a red flag, from where I sit.

Follow your gut - don't make excuses to get involved in a messy situation or rationalize why you should do it...if you are uncomfortable - then pay attention to that little voice. And if still in doubt - talk to your sponsor or therapist.

September 25, 2009
12:16 pm
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Newstart
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Cpt1212:

My apologies for misunderstanding.
The situation is a bit tricky. I am one of those people who believe that a man and a woman can just be friends.

I wouldn't start of a friendship by going to his house. I would however consider grabbing a cup of coffee with him, and see where things go from there.

September 25, 2009
8:50 pm
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Lanigirl
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Cpt1212:

Please follow your instinct on this one. Any married person will involve their spouse and it's a big flashing light that he invited you to his house too soon.

I must say, "having coffee" was the way my affair started. I convinced myself that it was "just a cup of coffe" when in my heart I knew better.

September 26, 2009
12:43 am
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cpt1212
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I'm a dummy. He cried. We met for coffee. That's it. Sober support. I lied to my sponsor.

September 26, 2009
8:57 am
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cpt1212
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Why is lying easier than saying no.

September 26, 2009
9:38 am
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Lanigirl
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You're not a dummy but the crying is a big clue = manipulation. Another big clue is lying.

Why do you think you had to lie? Do you really think that coffee is it and that he or you won't be calling again? What's your payoff in this?

For myself, I have lied my whole life. Childhood abuse taught me that lying put off the abuse some, helped me to escape from the pain, made myself feel better.

My affair is an addiction, an escape, a way to feel better even though many times I feel worse when I see him and then feel the need to see him again to get my fix. I know seeing him is risky behavior and could have my life crash around me.

September 26, 2009
9:40 am
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Lanigirl
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You may want to check out the Magical Thinking...Reality thread. Alatose always has good stuff to think about.

September 26, 2009
3:50 pm
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bonni
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its not the coffee part. we use filters for protection. peel gingerly.

September 26, 2009
4:01 pm
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atalose
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What did you lie to your sponsor about?

I believe codies are afraid of the consequences of saying “no” people might not like us then!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 26, 2009
4:06 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Why can't you just say, I don't think that is a good idea, you know, since I am in my first year of recovery and all. No hurt feelings and you didn't lie. Sometimes it is better to take all the blame.

Bitsy

September 26, 2009
7:18 pm
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bonni
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bump

September 27, 2009
8:38 am
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cpt1212
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I don't plan to see him again, and feel tremendous agnst about this. My natural inclination is to avoid all this and start avoiding him, but I know I need to be more proactive. I wonder if it is sufficient to text it?

September 27, 2009
12:29 pm
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atalose
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Another thought might be wait until you do see him face to face and simple explain with the I.

I need to focus on MY recovery.

I don’t feel beginning any new kind of relationship today is in the best interest of MY recovery.

I thank you for being my friend and talking to you after meetings would be nice.

Texting might open up a new form of communication that you don’t need or want.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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