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Is it normal?
April 2, 2003
7:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Is it normal after being married a little less than a year to wonder things like - Am I the type of person who should be married? Do I love this person? sigh, I know that there are worse problems in marriages than in mine...but I guess I'm just tired of it and I'm not sure of what part. Maybe I get annoyed to easy, but I just don't want to be around him lately. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either...When two people get married aren't they suppose to bring out the best in each other...we bring out the worst.

April 2, 2003
9:57 pm
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How long were the two of you together before you got married? Did you have these feelings before you tied the knot? Wanna talk more about it?

April 2, 2003
10:17 pm
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Marriage definitely takes a lot of work. The best advice that I can give you is to keep communicating with each other. Don't let yourselves get to the point where you shut each other out of what is going on in your lives. I think sometimes the honeymoon period of the marriage wears off and reality hits. You have to ask yourself whether you are both committed to this marriage and making it work- good times and bad. So to answer your question - I think it is very normal to question things. Just don't be quick to give up on your marriage. It does take a lot of work but it can definitely be worth your effort.

April 3, 2003
10:22 am
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Hi Katrien~

I agree with TS (tooscared), that the initial bonding, infatuation stage if you will, it starting to wear off.

You haven't had a lot of experience of living with anyone other that your family, so this adjustment point could feel strange.

You certainly need to make sure that the lines of communication are not only open, but can expand to handle uncomfortable feelings and working on compromises. Compromises on how your hopes and dreams can mesh with his - on a long term basis.

Also, make sure that you do not sacrifice your identity and think that you and he 'become one'. In fact, you retaining your separate-ness allows you both to come together better. Do not sacrifice what you want out of life to the point that you do not know who you are anymore. The same goes for your husband. Because in your 40s or 50s one or both of you could decide you want a whole new life. If you stay on your 'true path' and love your life, you two could keep together and have a wonderfully long relationship.

I wish you luck!

Jenny

April 3, 2003
1:19 pm
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Katy,

Been through two and looking ahead to the third - and last marriage in my life. First and foremost, it takes a mental committment. You have to have decided in your mind that this is it. Your heart of course must been a part of this committment too, but that goes unsaid.

My first two were spurred on by romance, and not much introspect. La dee dah, long story, well known: romance faded, saw the person for who he was, saw myself as inequipped, and fled after nine years of trying on the second one.

Now, after a couple of marriage tests, and personality tests, counseling from therapist and priest, I feel sure this is the rest of my life with this man and his son. The tests did not convince - only restated my beliefs and feelings that were already there.

Don't know if that helps, but to ease your burden and angst... try to stop the questioning and stay in the marriage. Work yourself around the acceptance of the situation.

Divorce can be a challenge to your self-esteem in that you might feel guilt, failure, or you might see it as a chance to start fresh. But be careful, those self feelings are hard to deal with.

Good luck.

April 4, 2003
10:33 am
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I didn't respond the last couple of days because I've been extremely busy.
gingerleigh,
We were together for about 4 months before we got engaged and then had an engagement period of about a year married. I had those feelings on and off before we got married. I thought that it was normal to question what I was doing every now and then. My friends said that it was normal, but none of them were married either. I did question "do I REALLY love this person?", he is a wonderful person and I didn't see any reason not to love him and today there still is no reason not to love him. I guess I made more of a decision to love him and didn't put much weight to what my insides were telling me "you might get bored with this person, he is more of a friend etc." I guess you The honey moom period does wear off but I never felt like I was in it...I guess you guys are right I need to continue to decide to love my husband, the feelings are not always going to be there and we need to talk more to really know each other. I get too busy (I'm writing my thesis right now) and I forget to look at him and ask who are you...thanks, I am going to stick with it, never know what the future may hold... I think that one of my problems is that I have difficulty FEELING love because of my past and I make decisions based on logic instead...I need to do some more healing, I think, so that I can discover what love really is.

April 4, 2003
10:53 am
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Katrien.

Wow. What you wrote hit me square in the forehead. You wrote part of my life story! I too questioned getting married at times beforehand but everyone said "oh he's a sweetheart, he really loves you, you just have cold feet" and I kept thinking "yeah, he's like family, he's so dear to me but why do I feel bored already?" and I guess at 19 you just believe what you're told. And I did/do care so much also, he's like the other half of me but sometimes it's like he's my brother, I sympathize. Deeply.

What are you going to do? Take it from me, at least in my experience, I've been married six and a half years and with him eight, and the feelings haven't changed. I'm at a loss.

April 7, 2003
9:44 am
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SIXFOOTBLOND,

Yeah, I too feel like my husband is like a brother to me. I never had a brother or any close guy friends so I didn't know the difference between a good buddy and someone who could be my husband and lover...so it hasn't changed for you in 8 years. I guess I've been thinking that it may change because I contribute the problem to myself, that I'm the one who just has a problem feeling passion or deep love...but I know that I have felt it before with a past boyfriend so...I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I sometimes think "if we had a baby together I may feel more love" (not more loved, because I know and feel that he loves me the problem is on my side)but I know that, that would not fix it only confound it.
I know that I'm not going to leave him, but I guess my biggest fear is that one day a man that I will have more than brotherly feelings for will come along and I will be faced with a delima...I want to fix this problem before that happens, because...well I see it starting to happen.
I truly believe a person can make marriage work without the passion and the deep feelings, but how satisfactory would it be? I feel as though there is always something missing. Does it get harder as the years build? I wonder if counseling would help?

April 7, 2003
9:58 am
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Is the problem that you're bored with sex?

April 7, 2003
3:02 pm
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I don't think that I'm bored with sex. We waited to have sex until we were married. But sex is included in the problem...I wouldn't say that I'm completely uninterested, but that I don't feel passion, desire etc. Maybe because I'm not really physically attracted to him...maybe because of my past...I don't know. We have talked about it and I would love to feel passion...anyway. I just always hope that desire will somehow just appear, but it never does. I know I'm capable of it because I've felt it before...but with someone else.

April 7, 2003
3:17 pm
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Well, I will share with you one of the things that came up in a recent counseling session for me. Purely by accident, I blurted out "Ya know, I loved my ex with every fiber of my being, it was amazing, the best feeling in the world. And when that relationship ended in flames, something died in me, that piece of me that was capable of feeling such intense love, it died, or perhaps just got frozen, but either way, I don't feel it any more." It was a defense mechanism for me, so that I don't feel that awful gut-wrenching pain any more, but the flip side of that is that I also don't fully experience joy anymore either.

I'm not sure what the "fix" is, or how I go about doing the unfreezing or waking of the dead, but I think it is possible. Honestly, I really don't think that loving someone is about the other person. It is about the capacity to love that is within you. I think you can decide to love someone, just depends if you are ready. Imprinting maybe... like the first bird a baby duck sees, it thinks that's his mommy. And when your heart is ready to love, fully, wholly, passionately, you "pick" the person to love. It might not feel like a logical or conscious choice, but it is a choice, deep down. But if your heart isn't ready, no matter how many wonderful choices you put in front of you, you won't be able to make a selection.

So let me ask you something... how satisfied are you with the rest of your life, outside of the marriage?

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