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Is it normal to feel worse after a therapy session?
October 22, 2005
3:16 am
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balancesekr
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hi ella,

Your question:
Does anyone have a past without physical molestation (or just inappropriate affection) and child-parenting types of things? Did it give you distorted body image, obsession with appearance, self destructive behaviors, bad self esteem all around? etc, etc.

yes, my grandmother told me when I was really young that my father would stare at me and it really bothered her the way he would hover around me. This upset me and made me avoid my father for years. I always thought he was looking at me funny.

Also, my mother would call me a male manipulator and suggested I was trying to steal my father away all because when we would argue I would try to get my reasonable father to take my side.

So, this fucked me up. And I can relate to kathygy, with the adolescent girl hugging her father. Only recently do I allow myself permission to hug my father as long as I want and not worry if my mother will get jealous. I still feel kind of funny around my dad but...

this messed with my self image of who I am, what I am, and... I don't know what else. My mother always focused on how pretty I was and how I should find a husband before losing my looks.

I hope this helps you out, I don't know if it totally relates.

xoxo

October 22, 2005
3:25 am
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sdesigns-

Yeah, my dad did not keep that part of himself a secret either. No posters, mom wouldn't have allowed it. But she did get him the playboy channel. I wonder what changed her mind about that? Maybe back then she didn't feel threatened- she was so beautiful. His abuse and her aging might have done the trick.

ugh. i resent him for that, but i would like to work through it without talking to him about it.

If you are in therapy, talk about your uncle. I talked about my dad with other therapists, i'm just begining to go over it with this one. It does help a bit.

-ella

October 22, 2005
3:32 am
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Wow balance-

My grandmother used to bring this up quite hysterically. Only I was too young and she probably should have just mentioned it to our mother instead of my sister and I. I only hated her for it.

Another weird thing is my sister's traits. She always had this weird sense of what my mother incorrectly labled "false modesty." When we would go to the doctor and had to undress she would resist and screech her head off. This was at not so young an age. I would get so irritated at her. I just thought she was (and truthfully, she is) being a drama queen. But who knows why she was like that.

Then she took a remarkable turn to being an exhibitionist. Not more than a few times did I go into my parents room to put laundry away, etc. and find her completely naked putting make up on. She said "the light was better" in there. Her window faced the same direction. Also when showering (even recently) will walk naked from the bathroom to her room back and forth. We all have run into her, including my father.

This scares me.
Am I reading too much into this stuff?

October 22, 2005
3:40 am
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sdesigns
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When I worked summers at the refinery, at first there were posters of naked women all over the place. Then bring in female college students- gee- guess what happened. Talk about sexual harassment. I can' believe the things that happened there and we were all the daughters of employees. One of my dad's close friends, who was a foremen, asked me out for drinks one night after work. I didn't think anything of it as he was my dad's friend, his son was also working that summer as summer help. We went to a bar where there a bunch of other refinery employees. He tried to kiss me in his truck in the parking lot. A bunch of other people saw it. Since he was a boss I coudn't say anything. He and his wife were at our house once and I wouldn't come out of my bedroom. I felt like taking his wife aside and telling her about it. Another time he brought me a gift on my b'day and made a big production of it in front of some other employees. I felt like I was being made out to be a slut even though I didn't do anything. I want to go see the new Charlize Theron movie on this topic.

I don't feel like this in itself f'd me up but its probably just one of the many things that add up to compile the current me.

I'm not in therapy- I think I would be afraid to find out how screwed up I really am, as if I didn't know.

October 22, 2005
3:59 am
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Sdesigns-

YOU are not screwed up. The men who do this sort of thing are.

hugs.

October 22, 2005
4:04 am
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sdesigns
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But why did I allow it? I wish my parents had taught me that I didn't have to put up with this sort of crap and I wish they had taught me how to stand up for myself. Instead I just cringed, went inside myself and wished it wouldn't happen.

I have such a long way to go and I am too old to just be learning this stuff now. I wish I could go back 30 years and start over, knowing what I know now.

October 22, 2005
5:46 am
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sdesigns
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And yet another thread I have killed. I think I get a prize after so many, don't I? Where is the secret thread that says don't post after SD does?

October 22, 2005
6:54 pm
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balancesekr
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hi sd & ella,

regarding reading too far in.. maybe you are really searching for something there? maybe something happened beyond what you currently remember or you are just really upset about it. Regarding your sister, sometimes people do strange things, her screaming her head off may not mean anything besides she was upset.

I used to hate when my mother would tell me to take a shower when I was like 6 or 7. I would stand in the water and just put soap on my hands cause I knew she's check. Why didn't I want to shower, I have no idea! I didn't want to listen maybe?

sd, yeah, some men are scum bags. If you did let that man's wife know, who knows what would have gone down, it may have been worse and your memories of the situation could have been worse too. I think when stuff like that happens we are just so surprised by what is going on and we feel powerless to stick up for ourselves since our parents used to sell us out, we were worthless, so we didn't stick up for ourselves as f**ked up as that is.

October 22, 2005
8:16 pm
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Sd-

Even if your parents taught you not to put up with that, your father exposed you to behavior that was inappropriate for you to witness (posters, porn, etc.). So whatever he and your mother might have SAID kind of is eclipsed by these actions. How can you feel as if you had any power to defend yourself from a man acting the way your dad's friend/your boss did. You may have also on some level had to accept this as normal since it was representative of the kind of behavior one of your parents seemed to condone.

Please don't blame your young self. It's not fair to you. Even if you think you should have known better, truth is, that's probably not how you felt. And that, sweetie, is no fault of your own. I'm so sad you believe that now. You shouldn't think of it as something you "allowed." You were manipulated by some pretty sick men.

Sorry I signed off last night... I waited a while, took a shower, and the threads didn't seem to be moving.

Hope you are ok.

Hugs,
Ella

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