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Is it my imagination, or was I EVER really happy?
August 13, 2005
2:33 am
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BelovedBeliever
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"tried every which way to communicate with him but the harder I tried the more resistent he became to any conversation"

(extracted from Caleb's thread: Hello)

Kathygy, this is sooo true. His answers to me were "get the f*** over it" and "this conversation is over", and many other put downs.
For years whenever I wanted to discuss anything with him that was uncomfortable, he would just keep watching TV while I was talking to him, and many times I actually waited for a commercial, can you believe that?! Fortunatly, I did wise up later in our years together.
But he was always sooo disrespectful when he did not want to talk things over with me.

Sometimes I look back now, he's been gone since Mothers Day this year, and think was I EVER truly happy???? I don't really know. I sort of think that I am wishing I had something back that I never really had at all, except in my head.
S
o many, many things that he said to me over the years were so very hurtful, but I never, ever stood up for myself back then. Four years ago, he wanted a separation, so we did for a year and a half. After that when we decided that we would get back together, I had changed so much, and he did not like the new me. But I did not know how to go back. I had learned how to support myself, handle life alone, eat, sleep, read, hang on the phone, etc.whatever i wanted, whenever I wanted and I could tell he was very uncomfortable with the more assertive me. I was so much less codependant than previously. I felt free-er, even with him.

I wanted him to like the new me, but it upset the equilibrium of our relationship too much. But I am beginning to see that I gave and gave and gave, while he took, took, took.
And then he decided that after 30 years together he was going to begin a sexual relationship with a girl at work. What else really hurts is that I got him the job there! I worked there for 5 years before he came on board, so I had many friends. Then I got a promotion of sorts and moved to a different facility. Less than a year later he was messing around with her, and all of my friends were calling and giving me play by play until I asked them to stop. I had had a very prominent position there, and so many, almost all employees knew me, and knew what he was doing behind my back. It hurt so bad, and still does.

That I know of he was never, ever unfaithful to me before. He also never lied to me before. I think something in him just snapped and he made the decision to make his move. Of course, I still love him. I think about him every single day. I have to force myself to think of other things. Because I am trying to romanticize something that never was. But in my mind, at least there was the potential to be. Does that make any sense to anyone?

August 13, 2005
9:01 am
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bonni
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I think you were happy in some ways, but you've grown beyond the point where what made you happy then could make you happy now. You are healthier now. It hurts sometimes to realize that you wasted time before and then I think we beat ourselves up for not getting healthier earlier. We wouldn't all be so apt to put our happiness in the control of another if there weren't some benefit or satisfaction in it for us. Now that you've discovered a new path to happiness, it changes how you look at the past. But also, i think we let ourselves down too. I think about the petal story I read in someone else's post. You could say I love me, I love me not and not have enough petals sometimes. Maybe toward God is a better direction to seek? I don't know yet for myself. I think we all have to make peace with our past to move on, well, I am trying. I know I have to accept that that's what I did and this is now and I can make different choices now. and I don't have to have hated everything about the past for it to still be best for me to have changed or grown.

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