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is it me?
October 15, 2000
1:51 pm
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fallen
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September 27, 2010
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Four years go I went through some health problems. First a misscarraige, which my husband did nottake time off work for. Then I was off work for 2 years because of my back. He did not help me around the house at all. I was angry, when he came near me I only thought he wanted sex, my anger and pain pushed him away. Six months ago I asked if he wanted to keep living the way we were, and he said no, he wanted to try and make things better. I thought there was someone else, he would come home late, but he says there isn't, and I believe him. We made love one night, and everything seemed great. I tried to get close to him, he even said he loved me a couple of times. I bought this stupid book about romance, and he turned away. He says all I care about is sex, the book was about romance, I wanted to open myself up to him, and him to me. I want the love, affection that we had. He says he can't show it, maybe that isn't how he is, but he used to be. He will not kiss or hug me. But, he did get horny and we fooled around, and the next day it was like nothing had happened. He said I thought that was what you wanted. I said no, I want you to show me you love me. He will not make love to me. I've told him to leave, packed his stuff, and then he hugs me, and tells me to go to sleep. His answers were always I don't know. Now he says maybe he needs to leave to see if we really want to be together. But he is worried what if he does and realizes he's made a big mistake. He is not the biological father of my daughter, but the only one she has known. I told him don't stay for her. He keeps saying he will leave, but he doesn't. I think about this constantly, I don't sleep and I cry all the time. I want a resolution. He says he doesn't even think about it. I've told him I'm going crazy, and please leave. I don't want him to go, I want to make it work, but he isn't making any attempt. He will not go to counselling. I want another child, I want to be in love again, be appreciated, and I would like it to be him, but he will not leave. I've told him he is forcing me to leave, he says he will go. It is so hard living here wanting to touch him, knowing he doesn't want me to. I've asked him to sleep on the couch, he says yes, and then doesn't. My sister and friend say ignore him, let him stay. I wouldn't have such a problem with that if he would show me something. Am I asking for too much too soon? It's been months. He's said maybe he has to go, so he isn't going to try while he is still living here. I've asked him if he just wants to live hereand I will go on with my life, find someone that will love me. That is what I feel like doing.
thanks for reading

October 15, 2000
2:24 pm
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Cutie14
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September 24, 2010
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Hello, I have read your story and I don't think it is just you...I mean to make a marriage work it takes 2 people...actually that goes for any relationship...I say that because my boyfriend and I are having some problems too, and I am only 14 and the problems are not as life changing as yours are of couse since we arent' married or having sex or anything, but in my little world, they are still big problems. I don't really know what else to say, except that I am sure the people that are here will help you and give you some real advice better than I ever could, hang in there.
Cutie14

October 16, 2000
6:05 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Men show their affection and love different from women,for one thing and then in marriage the rut, and cycles get going, and are difficult to stop. women start to put pressure on men when men don't jump the way we want them to, then there is a new cycle of stuff, and the arguments that get to the point of you leave no you leave. Give it some space look into some marriage counseling, or counseling on your own, sounds like you have been through allot. I have found that rather than expecting the guy to get what it is that we want it is easier to give detailed instructions, ie., because of my back I need you to .... I learned through my second husband who's wife had a miscarriage, that he was so emotionally traumatized by the loss, and his feelings of helpless ness that he avoided her because his needs were as deep as hers, and he felt worse because of his inability to help himself far less her. he knows that caused problems in their relationship. Men process different, and shut down, try reading men are from mars don't toss in the towel to quick.

October 17, 2000
8:19 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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fallen,
you are looking to HIM to make you feel all these things and evenif inan idfeal world he sSHOULD mae yo feel that way, it is not the way to fel happy.
you need to feel okay in yoruself and not rely on HIM to make you feel good. that way you will be able to either make or break the relationship and go on to find some one who gives you what you want.
you should be able to ENJOY those love feelings as the icing on the cake, not depende on them in order to survive.
aks people here for some good books onco-dependency and then take THEM to bed and read THEm for a while. I bet if you learna little ablout that you will be able to get back in control of relying on yourself to feel okay and just ejoying other peoples love and a beautiful EXTRA not the be all of your life.
Peace
Hazza

October 17, 2000
12:59 pm
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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I agree with Molly and Hazza.

First of all it is a very important thing to realize that regardless of equality of the sexes men and women are very different. We express ourselves differently and comprehend things differently.

I think that your husband probably doesn't want to leave. And I don't think you should make him leave, either. Marriage counseling is good, but why not try counseling for yourself? You've been through a lot. The better you feel about yourself, the better your marriage will be.

You should never depend on someone else to make yourself happy.

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