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Is it me or is it him
April 29, 2001
10:27 pm
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JenM
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It took me forever just to come up with a name for this thread. I've reached this point again in my life where I can't even make the simplest of decisions. I hate it when this happens to me...or I let it happen, or I create it....

I seem to have spent most of my married life trying to decide IF I should stay, am I crazy, is it me, is it him, am I expecting too much, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with him???????????????????

We've been married a long time, one child each from a previous marriage, one from our own marriage. I told you guys a week ago that he is now on Zoloft and I don't like the side effects it is having on him, he doesn't like them either. I had hoped that with the antidepressant he would be easier to get along with. ..hasn't really done much for that.

Husband had a very cold upbringing. I had a very loving childhood. I married him probably for some of the wrong reasons. I had a year old child, divorced from an abusive husband, he was so different I thought and what was most important to me was that someone would be the good father to my son that my father was to me. Couldn't depend on ex-husband, irresponsible, into drugs and messed up. Anyway, I made some hasty choices and I thought this one was a good one.

I have never felt that this husband ever really accepted my son. He adopted him years ago as a baby, ex was agreeable. This husband is the only father my son has ever known and my son loves him. But I see so much of a different attitude towards him from other son's treatment, it just doesn't stop eating at me. I know he has always been jealous of my closeness and protectiveness I have always had with my son. My son is in his twenties now and married and I still am feeling so much guilt for divorcing his bio-father and marrying someone else. What is wrong with me??? Husband and I have fought over this for all of our married lives and he is right, I DO love my son more than I love him. Since the day I found out I was pregnant I've felt such responsibility and fierce loyalty to him, he is and always has been the brightest star in my life. I have another son whom I love so dearly, the only difference is that he HAS his father, everything my husband does with him just seems so normal. My husband says I'm crazy and guilt ridden and that he and my son are just fine. But I see how he doesn't laugh the same with this one, he just seems rigid and colder to him.
I know you all probably think I'm crazy or looking for problems but this is killing me. Sometimes I think I can't stand the guilt I feel for not standing up to this husband and leaving him because I've seen this all these years. Sometimes I just want to walk away from all of this and even the ones I love who are not involved, because I just cant stand to stay and do this anymore, and I just cant figure out how to leave. About 10 years ago I took a huge overdose because I couldn't figure out how to cope with our problems, spent 3 years in therapy, thought I was messed up from a rape that I kept to myself. Today I feel like I can't hurt my son, my husband probably doesn't deserve the harsh scrutiny of which I've put him under, or does he??? He IS cold, sometimes I think he has no heart, but then I blame it on his parents and then I say, wait a minute, he should be different by now after all these years. My son is the dearest young man, he is the most successful of the 3 kids, the least trouble growing up, the one who has maintained the closest relationship with us and he is still the one I'm ready to defend at the drop of a hat.

I know I must be crazy. I know you're probably all diagnosing me as codependent or nuts or something, I don't know. I've been reading you guys for a while now, not knowing how to put down what my life is like without sounding mental. I'm sorry this is so long....

I wish I could just get up tomorrow morning and walk about 1000 miles away and never look back. But I think it's me I'm trying to run away from.

April 30, 2001
12:28 am
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gingerleigh
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No one is going to "diagnose" you here, and if they do, ignore it. They haven't met you and only know what you post! But I have much more faith in the people on this board, and I think that they are just going to try to offer you some comfort or perspective on some of the points that you make.

One thing that I identify with is where you say that your husband is upset that you love your son more than him. Men will never understand the love that a mother has for a child. It is a protective love, at times even more animal and primitive than the love that we feel for our partner. We're biologically programmed that way, to defend and protect our young so that they may survive and carry on the line. So you may not technically love your son "more" than your husband, but you do love your son in a very different and more primal way. That's natural.

On a different note...
You talk about your husband a lot. How are YOU doing? Are you taking care of your physical self? Eating well and staying physically active? Are you taking care of your mental self, pursuing interests that make your brain work? Are you taking care of your spirit and soul? Ensuring that you have the right focus on yourself will help you answer the question of your post title.

I think that ALL women (and perhaps even men) have tendencies to be codependent. I don't think it's a bad thing, honestly. (Who would want to be in a relationship where partners only worry about themselves and not the other person? What's the use in being married then, why not just stay single?) We just need to be aware of the negative effects that codependency can have on us if it progresses too far and we forget to stop caring about ourselves.

Peace.

April 30, 2001
10:44 am
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JenM
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My head is just reeling again. I'm trying to fight that feeling of going back to bed and pulling the covers up over my head. I hate it when I get like this. It'll pass....again..it always does.

I agree with you wholeheartedly about my love for my husband and my son. I can't seem to put anything down or in any kind of words that explain my feelings right. This is why I don't talk too much to my husband when I feel this way. I go on day after day just eating the stuff he says and does because after 20 years I've learned to get along. I don't like to argue, I get all tongue-tied, I'm not good at it. Then if I say something to hurt his feelings (and everything does) he gets mad and we don't talk and then I feel bad for hurting his feelings and thinking, okay, it's my fault, I'm making problems,......which is why I think I should just go for a long walk and not come back. Thankfully,, I havent reached the overdose stage of thought, I swore I never would again.

I do what I can do for myself, but really, it isn't much. I do some daily exercise, walking, I can 't seem to concentrate enough to read like I used to, I always loved to read but it takes me forever to finish a book now.

I'm not real comfortable talking about me. I just noticed that again. I have always been a roll with the punches type person and I still do, but this thing with my son is one thing I cannot accept from my husband. When he acts like a jerk with my son, (and he says he doesn't), I just don't LIKE him. And I keep wondering how long I have to live with someone I don't like alot of the times. And now this Rx he's on makes me feel sorry for him and I can't abandon him when he's not himself. I don't know. I just don't know.

I appreciate your helpful words Gingerleigh, and your taking the time to respond. I hate it when I get this way. I'm not a crier. I always try to look at what I have and not at what I don't have, but I feel like I'm not being true to myself by living with someone who is , what, I don't even know what the word is for what he is, which is why I can always say, maybe it's me who's wrong....He's good (?) to me, sort of, most of the time, but what is it that he holds against my son, and it's what makes me want to leave him and find some peace. That's what I was looking for when I took the pills all those years ago. Peace. Sometimes I could just scream for it.

April 30, 2001
2:29 pm
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Molly
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Hey, mental one, you have lots and lots of company!!!! Might be to soon, but perhaps I should invite you to our tribe. Most of us have been just as stuck as you are at one point or another, and most likely will again. Opps are you thinking that you are or might be ok, yet??? Gotta laugh sooner or later, this insanity doesn't serve us to well.
I have found that no matter how loving we are to our men, they are who they are. Read Men are from Mars, it was insightful, and after working with men in therapy, they are different creatures, duh. We love different, we are different. I have observed my husband with his son's they both have different mother's, and although they are both his flesh and blood, he treats them different, one is the prince, and the other, who constantly strives for attention, and affection, who by the way is 28, can never ever do as good as the prince, or get the same quality of attention as the prince. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. They work it out. My daughters, who lived with us for over 12 years, never really got the time of day, unless it was an urgent thing, like a dead battery, but in his mind he was father knows best, and their relationship is great, he is a legend in his own mind. My guy is just now after all these years, starting to show me the things I need tosee. It is inconsistant, but I now really know it is just his way, I can fight it, or accept, HIM, the way he is. Also, he has been a science project with his md, trying to stabilize blood pressure, and diabetes, which has often made him close to comatose, and sorta a Dr jeckle mr hyde. But I started to focuse on me, vs him, and that is what has changed the dynamics of our relationship the most. Try Phil McGraw's Relationship Rescue. After all these years, trust, you don't want to surrender now. Still we women often think of taking that journey,the 1000 mile walk, but when you get down to it, we would just end up with sore feet. So just go to the spa, and pretend that you took the walk. I am sure that your husband does love you, and does love all your children. We often click with one child more than another, and if you were the mother hen, that I was with my daughters, there might just be some old anger issues, hurt feelings, and stuff, that you don't really need to go back over, because men, don't process like we do, and ultimately what is the point ? Your mate and you did the best you could at the time, and it sounds like all has worked out. We women get so deep sometimes, and have so many mountains to climb, and opportunities to choose where we want to make war, or not. Like PMS, we never wanted to admit we had it, after fighting years, to get md's to recognize it, but could this be the beginning of ugh ugh menopause, could your hormones be making you less tolorant, and more crazy???????? Might want to get a check up to be sure. Sometimes I feel so sorry for the young ones that write, wanting to stay under the covers like we want to, maybe there should be age restrictions? You should at least have one child over the age of 20 before you start to ask is this all there is? Now laugh. Don't ever give up your sense of humor, its all we have even if it edges on the insane. focus more on you, look for the good, get your glasses out it is easier, and make some new dreams reality, this is a good place to vent, and we all know where your comming from. Well sorta:)I think we all get to the point of not liking them, but we still love them, strange huh. I just don't have the energy to break another one in, who might be worse than the one I have, they all are such big babies,but at least we know these ones put up with us!!!! Well most of the time.

April 30, 2001
4:10 pm
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JenM
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Thank you Molly, words of wisdom..... funny how these understanding letters in print can make me feel like I AM under the covers.

I already am on HRT because of surgery I had to have quite a few years ago. Yesterday and today have been just awful days for me, I'm feeling so actually physically and mentally weak inside. I've been so mentally healthy since the surgery and today and yesterday I feel like I just can't take another minute of his moods, his jealousy, .....just him. We've had alot of other stuff going on with family members....as most people deal with daily, but here I am most of the time referreeing (sp?) between him and the rest of the world since his Zoloft therapy, he gets so critical of my slightest mistake, ...so many times I wish I could just leave and not say a single word. Not a goodbye, not a conversation, just see ya,....don't try to reach me. Leave me be.

thanks for reminding me about my sense of humor. Being the peacemaker in my entire, extended family, I try real hard not to forget it. Since I was a little girl I would sit at the dinner table and make sure the conversations never got heated by making people laugh, or changing the subject that I saw taking off into the wrong direction.

It's good to know about your situation with your husband's sons and your daughters. My son is happily married now, and he and I are okay, but when his dad acts like this, I feel like I'm not being the friend to him that I should be. I know he would defend me to the death,...
God, I am so weepie today....what a wreck. You're right, no sense going back into the past....it's not a good trip.

Thank you for the welcome..you are a wonderful group of women....I wish I actually had some friends as caring as you all. I'll be okay with this I think. I try to keep an optimistic attitude. It's just been lately I can't seem to hold it together.

April 30, 2001
5:38 pm
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Molly
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I think you are tired, or maybe it is time for a new HRT Rx. Seriously, I had it all removed in 94, went on the premarin and whoppee, then the weight , then the depression, worse and worse, and he was a science project at the same time. I quit takeing it, and then felt better, I also did what you want to do, left with out good bye, it was a marvelous moment. Buttttttt back to HRT, slowly some of the weight came off, but I was weepy, seemed like I couldn't move so tired all the time, the memory, the mood, then started catching everything that came in my direction, and always with allergy like symptoms. I tried to work out knowing it would help with moods and energy makes energy, but got no where. I broke down and went to a MD that I got a referral to through the internet. I get to go Wed, for the results, but what I discovered, my almost 2 years off HRT, going through all the stresses, of all the crap we deal with and then some,its all hormone related. They never gave me anything but premarin, and there is so much more that we need, testerone, dhea, and after surgury, I guess cholestrol climbs, and it effects thyroid, and histimine levels, thus the alergy symptoms. So think about it. Or let me be the project for the group, they are supposed to compound a special formula just for me!!
With respect to your son, hey it was my youngest daughter's 21st birthday, and do you think, even after I said i don't want to go with out you, that he would be motivated to go . yea, so i went alone, but ... sure it pissed me off, sure it was just like its always been, sure I felt abandonded with the ex's family there, and his new Heather Locklear look alike that was 10 years younger all over my daughter, it sucked, all that family stuff, that they never got with him, but he is who he is, and will offer to pay for them to join us on vacation, so I could continue to focus on his short commings as a family man, or be greatful for what he can and will do. I should have him on leash, with a muzzle, but I'd get bored. So, I have learned to keep my mouth shut, and vent here, or when I get real frustrated, I trim the roses. The thorns are theraputic, sometimes. Give it some space, ignore him for a couple of days, pray he gets a new rx, and don't be available to mediate his crises for an hour or two. If he gets real pissy, ask him for a few of his pills, and tell him you need them more than he does, dealing with him!!!! Go wander Wall mart

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