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Is it love or not.....
December 17, 2002
3:31 am
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I kinda think of this site as a journal to me, I feel safer typing then reading cause no one will ever find this and you don't know who I am. Although some of you do know what's happened in my life and what I have done but you still don't know exactly who I am, I am still just words on a screen.

Basically I just want to get this out of my system. And please don't take this as a childish teenage crush here. I am 30 and have been in a few long term relationships but this one has me baffled!!

I've been dating a guy on and off for the past few years. We have broken up cause of many things, jealousy, trust, me not wanting to drink or do drugs anymore. He promised me alot of things, most of all being sober with me but it failed. This time around, he wants only me wants to try again. And believes that we can make it. I am scared of the friends he chooses being that they party alot and now so does he once again. Not allt the time but he still does. What bothers me is that my friends cannot accept him now after all I've been through with thim. Back and forth. Saying that he is a liar and will only hurt me in the long run. I even hear this from my father who only met him twice. Has this impression of him and the type of guy he is. So these people that I love have this image of him and tell me I cannot see this. Why can't I see this. I do once in awhile but everything else, when he is sweet and loves me just fogs it all out for me.

So I called him tonight and told him how I was feeling and he says that I am the only one that looks into his eyes and feels how he feels. And then I hear it from every which way about the BIG mistake I'll make if I take him back.

So I guess we ended it tonight, he said he doesn't want to be in between wants to move forward and knows how I feel so we said goodbye.

I'm not too good on this love stuff and that is the only thing I want in the world. I want to find someone to share my life with, have children, have a family that is wonderful. I want a great guy that cherishes me and I for him. I just don't know which way is up anymore and if I'll make the right decision......listen to your heart or your head. What is my heart saying....go with him and not care yet my head tells me you will only get hurt.

I always trusted my heart and believe that is the right thing to do yet I am torn cause of all the mistakes I've made in the past, what is the right choice here??

That's it for now, thanks for listening....xo

December 17, 2002
3:34 am
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YOU and me both

December 17, 2002
8:15 am
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First I think your sobriety should be first over any other person, I think you should do what you want and need for you and not your friends are your family. Sure it might in the long run be a mistake to stay are go, how do you know unless you do what you really think is best for you. I personally can't see a person that is trying to stay sober pick another person that is a drinker to be a life long companion and lover with as in your best interest. How important is your sobriety is a question I would ask myself? good luck to you...

December 17, 2002
1:17 pm
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Friends and family tend to know us better and know what we need better than we do ourselves. Strange but true. If you are hearing from family and friends that this guy is giving off "not good for nattie" vibes, you would be smart to give it consideration. Keep journaling. Write down everything that happens, try to do this each night or each morning, even if you have nothing to report. Write down when he makes you feel special. Write down when he parties. Write down when you feel loved or neglected. Do this for a period of time, maybe a month, and then go back, and reread your entries. I think then you'll have a better picture of what's happening. Humans suffer from the "primacy and recency" effect. In a list of items, we tend to remember the first items and the last items. Having a journal that shows you the entire list I think can give you a better understanding of the total picture, perhaps the picture that your friends and family see that you do not.

December 18, 2002
12:48 am
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Thanks, that makes ALOT of sense. xo

December 21, 2002
9:21 pm
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Well, it's been a almost a week now and we haven't spoken. Just trying to get him out of my head, why can't I get him out of my head?? Everything reminds me of him. I was always the one who left and moved on. I could always just forget and find someone. But I don't want to do this anymore.

Everytime I've been in a relationship, it's been long and always thought this is the one forever but something always happens and I start all over again. New friends, new life, new person.
It's as if I'm running away but this time I don't want to. I never have, even if people think he's not the greatest. I don't care. There are times when I wish he was a little more sweet and took me to special places. But ultimately I still loved being with him and missed him as soon as I left. Even if he hurt me, we would work it out and be ok for awhile.

I guess I have to let go of all this and am having a hard time cause I keep looking back and what could have been. I wonder what he's doing or where he is and wish I was there.

I went on a date with another guy and it was fun, he's very sweet and a great person so I guess I'm suppose to let this go and move on. Date this new guy and just have fun There's no way I could be sexually involved right now, just dating.

I am so torn with all of this and am so scared of me and my decisions, I feel like I don't know what I want anymore.

Can anyone relate, please share stories if you can of how you may have dealt with something like this.

xo

December 24, 2002
1:07 pm
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Hi Nattie,

I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes it is easy to hold on to something or someone, not because that is the thing we need but because letting go is just hard. It leaves you in a place of starting over again, and that is a scary place to be sometimes. I can really relate to what you are saying, I have been there before too.

I've been divorced for 2 years after a 15 year marriage. The marriage was terrible, but the fear of being on my own, or not being able to make it on my own kept me bound in that terrible marriage.

It's been 2 years now, and I still have moments when I feel lonely, or when one of my four teenagers are giving me heck and I have a hard time with the "going at it alone" thing.

I will say this though, I have become a completely different person. I have found out alot about who I am, what I can do, and where I want to go. I wouldn't trade these days for the world, even though there are times when I lay in bed with tears in my eyes wondering what the heck I'm doing, there are more days when I'm just out there kicking the world in the ass and having fun being me.

Love and embrace yourself nattie, change your mind, be who and what you want to be. Use the time to find something new about yourself and just embrace it. When you are lonely, turn to friends and family and keep on turning to them until the lonliness subsides.

Every day is a new day, every day look for something good, best wishes and Merry Christmas to you.

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